March 12, 2004

This officer has been experiencing serious and severe technical issues so you'll note the lack of visual aids in this column.  After an expensive revamping of the squad room computers, I realized that I no longer have an office pack that includes the invaluable MS Word.  The very cheesy WordPad available on the aforementioned revamp software pretty much sucks and won't allow pictures to be inserted.  Be assured that I'm on the case and will be acquiring the much needed programs as soon as the department's budget allows for such expenditures... 

The Fashion Police have tried valiantly to reserve commentary on Carly's new hair color.  Thinking that I might get used to it and considering that I was just a little annoyed with her character joining the lofty ranks of redheads everywhere (wink), I didn't want to rail against her too quickly.  Now, I can rail.  Carly is *not* a redhead.  Nope, she's not.  Not a one of us anywhere would be caught dead acting like such a simpering nincompoop on the witness stand, not to mention appearing in court with that stupid white belt dress.  And I don't need to hear it from you blondes...I'm not saying that you *would* be a nincompoop or wear that ridiculous's just that y'all had her first and we'd prefer that you keep her.. in the interest of character consistency, hehe.  If anything, Carly should have gone with a coppery red a la Bobbie instead of auburn, which only manages to confuse me when I'm across the room and think she might be Elizabeth or Skye (Goodness knows I wouldn't confuse her with Bobbie, as if she's ever on) which would make me interested in what's being said.  When it comes to Carly, I'm just not. Interested, that is.  It's always the same old Sonny worship and volatile theatrics, and even when Sonny tries to take her children from her, she breaks down and can't say a word against him.  Uh, yeah.  Next... 

Courtney's rich.  A week of Cataclysmic stoogery (is that a word?) in the burning hotel and this is what comes of it... Courtney gets a slightly more flattering haircut and now wears a jacket with her pastel sweaters and hiphuggers.  And she picked up a few more nice coats at the end of season sales.  She needed those.  What else came of the Cataclysmic Event?  The hospital is evidently downwind of the hotel and the entire staff suffered enough smoke inhalation to confuse the body of Zander with that of Mac.   Honestly, there's Felicia sitting at the bedside staring into the bandaged face of "Mac" and can't at least tell that those aren't his eyebrows?  Nuts.  Speaking of Felicia, I really am glad that she's back because her presence accounts for some glaring (really glaring) holes in the story.  Kristina Wagner looks fabulous and since I haven't seen her in so long and the memory of her nose scrunching after Luke is fading, I am excited for her to be around.  I loved when she scrunched at Tracy and declined her "blood money" and I'd love to see her scrunching at...hmm, let's say Lucky.  Anything to get Greg Vaughn (and doesn't his hair look much improved?) some uniform-free screen time.  The writers like that whole son/father/blonde thing anyway so why can't Lucky get a little Maxie's mama action???  (Well, maybe never mind now that I put it that way..)  Maybe Felicia could be a December to Nikolas' May and scrunch Emily under her cute little boot.  "Dayna, you have your own agenda here", I know.. 

And then there's Emily.  Good new haircut, weird new clothes.  I'm guessing that the pirate storyline (snick) was not well-received by the public and the objective is to remove the fuzzy pink soft-focus aura of Emily.  She got some layers in her hair (I like it!) and she's wearing lace paneled shirts (?) with white trousers that I can see the pockets through.  That looks lousy on television, especially during really boring fakeweddings that remind me how devoid of love the afternoon has actually become.  What happened to cool Emily?  I don't just mean Amber Tamblyn...I mean, what happened to the Emily who came back from Arizona or wherever and was wearing jeans and turquoise jewelry?  She had a little desert chic thing happening, was looking into alternative cancer therapy and had a history of being a drug addict. In other words, a little personality. I liked that girl a lot more than the prissy princess who looks so concerned and ruins all my Tyler gazing.  I also feel like I write this same paragraph every time I manage to eek out a Fashion Police column, but really...does anyone out there like Emily as she is?  I say we give her a drug relapse and take her down a few notches.  I could have just gagged when she was wringing her hands over daring to ask Jason to lie for Elizabeth.  "It's such a huge thing to ask, Jason..I know".  Oh puh-leeze.  Jason murders people for a living but his sister dare not ask him to tarnish his integrity with testimony against a dead guy to save her best friend/his ex.  Whatever; the whole thing is as dumb as dirt, and I really think it was the look on her face that made me snort and rant about Jason worship.  Well, that and the fact that there's so much rampant Jason worship.  I decline to talk about the Zander non-murder story because it's nearly as asinine as the Sonny/Carly custody battle.  The only thing worthwhile about the entire situation was Rick delivering the "We all hate each other, but do it anyway" speech to Jason as he convinced him to sign the paper testifying against Capelli. His words seemed sincere and passionate while Jason stared, Emily perplexed and Nikolas looked like "What am I doing here with this gaggle of idiots?"  Some actors manage to hide their disdain for idiotic writing and others kinda don't.. 

The extraneous character paragraph starts here.  Sage has gotten to the point where I'm no longer wondering where the other Sage is.  I'm used to this girl and her dye job doesn't look so unnatural now that I can hardly recall her as the blonde teenager who was pretending to sleep with Ned.  However, just because I'm used to her doesn't mean I have any idea what her purpose is.  She's a somewhat pathetic figure who bounces up and down and grins from ear to ear when Dillon comes around to look for Georgie.  She wears really skanky teenager clothes.  She's basically a foil for the Georgie/Dillon relationship that never seems to go anywhere anyway.  If I'm forced to live with Sage, I'd much prefer to see her interacting with her uncle.  Anyone but Tom/Travis who comes in as extraneous character # 2.  Acting lessons, anyone?  I understand that Tom/Travis is supposed to be a dumb jock but boy, does he take it to an all new level.  Nearly as much as extraneous character # 3 takes her stereotypical behavior to a level of never before known whoredom. know who I mean.  Sam doesn't want to love Sonny, she'd run from him if she thought that's what he was in it for, she was wounded when her solicitation charge came into play in the courtroom, she's leaving town because..of course, there's nothing to keep her there.  Oh boy, do I feel a huge yawn coming on.  Sadly, if the writers had maybe waited three months to embroil Sonny in a torrid "no love" affair, I might be on board with the Kelly Monaco/Maurice Benard dynamic.  As it stands, it's practical adultery and she is a totally unsympathetic slut (as is he, if we're being completely honest).  Even more yawn inducing is her gimmick wardrobe because we already have our lady in black (Faith) and I'd much rather watch her, although she's usually teetering on the edge of extraneous too.  She just looks crazy enough to keep me interested.  Leading us to our final extraneous character for the day, and that is...Justus.  Maybe he's not actually extraneous (since he's lawyering and all)  and instead just really poorly conceived.  What's his story anyway?  Wait, I'm not sure that I care.  He's mired in some kind of muck with Faith and he's working for Sonny and Jason.  Eh, I was right..I don't care.  At least he looks good in a suit! 

Sonny has been dressing well for the trial.  Nice suits and dark tone on tone ties and shirts. Like Regis!  A noticeable lack of mandarin collars.  I admit to laughing aloud at his overcoat with the fur collar though.  A fur collar?  For Sonny?  It's almost as funny as Alcazar's overcoat with the leather collar.  Next, will Jax appear with a collar of sackcloth?  He might as well, for all the sacrifices required of him over the years.   

Now that I've been critical of (nearly) everyone who deserves it, let's move on to the folks who keep me interested.  Shall we start with Alcazar and his new haircut?  Can you tell that I'm watching way too much American Idol if I say, "DAWG! That is a'ight!!"  Ted King could probably dip his head in hair removing hot wax and I'd still drool, but he went ahead and got one of those slightly long in front do's that make me just *sigh*.  Give me a wayward bang over the eye and I'm just about done. It very much works for him, as does the tailored suit.  Wednesday's show had me yelling at the television, "She doesn't deserve you!!" and I'm hoping that when the inevitable Sonny/Carly reunion happens (aw, y'all know it's coming eventually), Alcazar gets a storyline that doesn't include him slinking out of town to nurse his Carly luuv wounds.  I wouldn't be adverse to a little Alcazar/Alexis somethin' somethin' that would surely shake up Carly, Sonny (pending the Kristina paternity reveal) and certainly little Miss Sage.  Ms. Alexis has certainly gotten some of her game back as she faces off in court on Carly's behalf.  It occurs to me that the scene was probably written to make her seem over the top with a need for revenge against Sonny (and yes, I do realize how cynical I've become, but this is GH and they are Guza/Pratt) but I thought her line of questioning was exactly what a lawyer and woman in her position would do in order to secure victory for her client.  Too bad the client is such a putz... And well, yeah..Alexis does have her own agenda but what the heck did Carly expect, for her to take the chance of Sonny waltzing away the winner with Carly's only ace in the sleeve remaining being that which sacrificed Kristina?  Carly may have appeased Jason with learning to shut up about Sonny (I SO would have fried him on his nuttiness after all the crap he's pulled...aargh, it's so infuriating), but she sure hasn't touched on the concept of thinking things through.  Back to Alexis who looks positively divine in her slim pantsuits again.  Brown pinstripes, ooh la la.  I especially loved when she came upon Sonny and Sam on the docks wearing her long brown trench and carrying her leather attache case.  Standing beside Sam, I couldn't help but think that Sonny had really fallen far since the last time he decided to take an extramarital luvah.  Anyway, Hip Hip Hoooray for the gorgeous, professional (and I don't mean that kind of professional...) woman being represented on GH once again!   

Tracy Quartermaine is delicious.  I can't think of a better haircut on daytime.  She should take Dillon to visit her stylist.  Aw, actually I like Dillon's campy little hairdo and his punky/trendy clothes.  I'm overall annoyed by the trend which calls for sleeves to be long enough to suit an orangutan but other than that, he's one hip cat.  Everything Georgie wears has those sleeves too and I have an overwhelming motherly urge to jump into the Kelly's set and roll those darn things up so they don't slop themselves all over with latte.  And why are these kids drinking latte anyway?  I'm still not sophisticated enough for coffee and Georgie and Dillon are seeking out La Boheme tickets and joking about the need for caffeine drips.  Sheesh.  Kids. 

The Skye/Luke/Edward caper is..a caper.  I've never been a big huge fan of such capers but eh, Skye and Luke work for me.  I'm continuously entertained by the many ways in which pregnant Robin Christopher's belly must be camouflaged and I love the gleam in Luke's eye when he's with her.  Much better than dark and brooding Luke who wears on my nerves after about a week of brooding.   I confess that my jury is still out on NuEdward.  I really, really miss my friend John Ingle, *sniff*.  It's hard to get past the new guy looking so darn young and spry when I loved the curmudgeonly, grandfatherly aspect of the character.   

In the past I enjoyed the challenge of writing the top 10 reasons why I'm still watching GH.  Honestly though, at this point I really can't think of 10 reasons.  As much as I'm grateful that we are actually seeing a few other stories take shape, the stories are pretty dull, dumb and otherwise insulting.  In no particular order, I'll offer a modified attempt at the list in saying that I watch because of Tracy Quartermaine, Skye (who is sufficiently Cher), Rick Hearst, Scott Clifton (Dillon) and Ted King.  If it weren't for these actors and characters, I don't think I could take much more without dashing for the proverbial olive fork.  Something's gotta give (it does, doesn't it??) and I sincerely hope that it happens soon. And I hope that it is named Guza...  

Thanks for reading and as always, I'd love to hear your opinions of our fashionable friends in the Port! 


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