January 17, 2003
Racing the Clock
to Midnight

I gave myself until today to get my act together and stop feeling sorry for myself for what weasels my kiddos are being lately, so I have exactly 42 minutes to get that all summed up.  I'm very lucky that events have occurred in the past few days to identify some personal, non-kid-related frustrations that I hadn't recognized previously, so that has helped a great deal.  I'm going to spend the minutes until midnight that I'm not writing to you in meditation to put the final buff on what I've deduced.

One thing I've learned over the years is to not fight it when I feel a depression coming on.  Normally, I can brush it away by remembering how great my life really is (and it truly is), but when a slide comes on that just will not be denied, it's usually trying to show me something, so I just go with it.  I spend a little time wigging out, a little time feeling good and sorry for myself, a little time whining about it (one must pace oneself or else we burn out on the depression too quickly and absolutely every nuance of the depression must be savored or else the whole thing is a waste), a good bit of time thinking about all that's flying through my brain and a LOT of energy observing what happens around me while I'm doing this.  I pay close attention to events, people and coincidences that present themselves because they tend to hold messages I need to integrate into the pity party.  The trick to doing this successfully, is to always put a time limit on the process.  Since our full moon hits tomorrow morning at 5:30am (give or take a bit), I figured midnight tonight was fair because I would be asleep by or around that time.

So the time is coming and I've gotten a good amount worked through, most of which is a lot more personal than my usual fare.  It has involved going back and recapturing a part of myself that was lost years ago and another part that I revived in 96, but has been sort of left dormant in the interim.  I've done a lot of integration work and it's working out very well.  When we're down, we really are in our holiest moments and if we just chill out, don't fight it and pay attention, we can learn wondrous things about ourselves.  :)

I will have a lot to celebrate with the Full Moon tomorrow.

I have three more lilies blooming and I know what two of the three miracles are.  I don't know if you recall, but I was a little concerned because when our repossessed car was sold, it auctioned for roughly over the cost of a box of microwave popcorn, leaving us with a huge deficit in the neighborhood of $15,500 to pay for about nothing.  We figured it would be a nasty court situation, but today, Eric talked to the finance company and they are willing to accept payments of $150 (for 1000+ months, LOL).  That saves the wild card from coming in to the tune of the amount of the car payment we couldn't afford in the first place.  So that's one disaster averted *swish*.

The other miracle is that I've been able to reacquaint with a friend from the past and that not only gave me some insight to the personal issues that were coming forth, but also was just a lot of fun.  I'm enjoying the reconnect immensely and even though it is long distance, it's been extremely rewarding and for that, I am very grateful.  Of course, my friend who resurfaced was from a time when I still possessed the qualities I wanted to revive (told you about those coincidences!), so it was great to be reminded of times we shared and experiences that reflected those aspects of me that I want to bring back to life.  I love finding new facets of myself, even those that were there before and slipped out of sight.  It's exciting to find ways to be more of a whole person.

Nathan is still off the grid, but I have a feeling that's how it's going to be for a while, so it's probably best that I adapt around him rather than trying to break him.  He's definitely a high octane kid and so he and I are going to have to explore some parameters to let him express that personality without driving me nuts.  I'm not sure if I can do it without that nanny I was hiring in the past post or an in house masseuse or an incredible selection of narcotics.  Bring on all three and you'll have yourself one happy Eye on Soaps webmaster. 

Another lily is getting ready to bloom and I can't wait to see what it brings!  (Maybe that threesome from the above paragraph!)

Thanks for all of your letters of love and support!   (15 minutes to meditate!!)



Oh Look!  There's More!

Jan 23, 2003
Jan 22, 2003 Jan 17, 2003

Jan 13, 2003

Jan 9, 2002

Jan 3, 2002

Dec 24-25, 2002

Dec 13-18, 2002

Dec 12, 2002

Dec 11, 2002 Dec 10, 2002 Dec 5, 2002 Dec 1, 2002
thru Nov 29, 2002 thru Nov 22, 2002 thru Nov 18, 2002 Nov 8, 2002
Oct 23, 2002 Oct 9, 2002 Oct 4-8. 2002 Oct 2, 2002
Last of Sept 2002 More Sept 2002 Aug - Sept 2002 August 2002
July 2002 June 2002 April - May 2002 Mar 2002
Feb 2002 Jan 2002 Dec 2001 Nov 2001
Oct 2001 Aug-Sept 2001 May-July 2001 Feb-May 2001

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