By Katrina Rasbold
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|July 30, 2002|
What a week. I thought last
week was what a week. As I read
over the last NonSoapy entry, all of the things seem so minor.
Since the past week could make the entry week pale in significance, Iím
terrified to know whatís coming! Right
now, I know that my husband and children are safe and sound.
Beyond that, itís anybodyís guess.
I have found in my life that
if I monitor patterns and find myself in some kind of downward spiral, itís
usually one thing or both. Iím
either totally off course in some part of my life and the Universe is beating
the crap out of me to get me into re-evaluation mode until I find the glitch or
else, itís some karmic crap thatís coming up to balance out the scales a
bit. [Note: Donít
ever believe that anything in your past is dead and buried and wonít be coming
back at the worst possible moment to bite you right on your ass. Itís NOT carrying over to the next life...itís all going
to come back and balance in this one, one way or another. This I have learned.] Or
itís both making the best possible use of the situation and opportunity.
For whatever reason, this was the moment that I needed to be slapped into
shape on...something. The degree of
things going wonky has definitely been beyond the ďjust lifeĒ level and has
fallen neatly into ďwow!Ē
Does anyone recall when I laid my wrath upon MCI Worldcom for laying off
my poor husband with no notice the day after assuring him his job was safe?
And where is Worldcom now...I rest my case.
I now lay forth my wrath upon SBI Pacific Bell (sorry Jeff, hope it
doesnít flow to you). Check this
Iíve been getting obscene
phone calls. This young guy started
calling about 3 weeks ago, talking trash and wanting me to talk back. The first time, I just hung up.
I was in the middle of a column I was writing and the kids were busy
playing in the back room. The phone
rang again about fifteen minutes later and it was him again.
He started talking trash just as Eric was walking into the room, so I
motioned to him to ďsshhĒ and handed him the phone.
He listened for a minute, started to crack up, then said, ďOh, dude,
you are getting my panties all wetĒ in his very masculine voice.
The guy hung up and I figured that was that.
He called back a couple of
days later. Feeling peckish, as I
sometimes do, I started talking to this guy...stopped him dead and told him that
I really wanted to know how a person gets to the point that they take their
penis in their hand and start dialing random numbers until a female answers.
I wanted to know if he was able to meet real women or if he was just too
shy or fugly or something. I wanted
to know if he thought about how it made the other person feel when he called, if
he really thought they enjoyed it or if he got off on their shock or if he
thought about the child that might be on their lap or the 11-year-old with a
more mature voice who might answer. Every
now and then, heíd start to talk trash again and Iíd tell him if he was
going to do that, I was going to hang up.
Most times, he did, so I did.
A couple of weeks went by
with no contact, so I figured it was done.
Just an interesting little blip on the radar screen.
Then today, he called again. I
asked him why I should talk to him when he ignored me for two weeks. He laughed and said he thought my husband was onto us.
He started trying to talk his trash, so I told him if he wanted to talk,
Iíd talk, if he was going to flog, I was going to hang up.
He started talking some real trash, so I hung up and figured enough was
definitely enough here. I tried to block him using our selective call
blocking. The recording said that
the feature could not be used on this call.
I called my phone company, through whom I have the service, SBI Pacific
Bell, so they could give me other options for stopping the calls.
They routed me through to a credit and collections department and I told
them that I needed to speak to someone in the department that handles nuisance
calls. She then informed me that
she couldnít help me with the call situation until I made payment arrangements
on my bill. I told her Iíd
received a shut off notice (got a whole stack of those) and had called and made
arrangements on the overdue amount to be paid on the first.
She told me that I had to make arrangements on the rest of the bill
before I could proceed. I was
shocked. ďYou mean that I cannot get my phone companyís help in
stopping filth from coming through my phone lines that my daughter could answer
until I whip out my checkbook and promise them more money??Ē I have no clue when I can pay the remaining amount due.
That is far into the future and right now, my objectives are to have food
in the house, utilities not shut off (cable went out today, the first casualty)
and a roof over our heads. She
absolutely refused service to me until I promised I could pay the rest of my
bill by a certain date. I felt...
helpless and abandoned. Fired out
an e-mail to Pac Bell and laid my curse upon them.
Iíll take the curse back if I get some help on the situation.
Dumping the phone company and going with cell phone only is sounding
better and better all the time. Then
they can really wait for their money, dammit.
My curse upon thee, Pac Bell.
Around Saturday, I could
start to feel the energy turning around, mostly after I made the decision to let
go of the site and let Sage take it. I
think that was just one aspect of representation of the off-balance way Iíve
been living for a while.
I havenít gone into all
the ways that the past month or so has been screwed up, mostly because itís
been pretty personal and also because I didnít want my whole July journal to
be a shitload of whining.
I know part of it is the
menopause thing. About the time I
started having the hellstorm hit, I went onto the Weight Watcherís Point
System again and being off the low carb just isnít working for me.
The hot flashes are back and just feeling generally contaminated by any
carbs, so Iím in food plan re-evaluation right now. Also indicative that Iím going through a wicked body
chemistry shift is that I took a Therma-Pro last week and the ephedra spazzed me
out for about 15 hours and it usually doesnít have that effect at all.
Iím having two major
issues in the uterine area: Josh
leaving (on Sunday) and Dyl going to school.
Neither is setting well with me and I know Iím going to have to buck it
up or Iím going to fuck it up. They
deserve a better send off than me blubbering and acting like an idiot.
Iíve been able to bury the reactions for the most part, but I know that
Josh is going to be gone for a long time and that is sad and I know that Dylan
is likely to have a great time at school (or else theyíre going to destroy
him). How can I trust a total
stranger to take care of his beautiful little spirit??
Heís so dear and so sweet and has always been too good for this world
since the second he popped out silently looked around with this blissful,
ďAhh. Iím here...and Iím so
glad to be hereĒ look. He is such
a gentle, joyous child and heís going to go to school and every day be
subjected to evil, ill-trained, foul-mouthed, hateful little brats who are going
to torture him and try to turn him to the dark side.
When I look at Josh, I see a
whole chapter of my life that is closing. While
Iím proud of the wonderful men my first three children have turned out to be,
I still am haunted by the guilt of what a terrible mother I was to them. I tell myself that I in all ways was a different person back
then. Then I tell myself that
regardless of that, *I* was their mother and I really let those beautiful little
boys down in so many ways. I would
give absolutely anything to have fifteen minutes with each of those little boys,
those trusting, beautiful little boys, to just hold them on my lap and rub their
hair and tell them how much I love them and how very precious they are to me and
to the world. Fifteen minutes
wouldnít change all thatís happened, but I could feel it again and go back
and reclaim that time of my life with some modicum of pride and dignity.
There is such a feeling of helplessness at having nothing more I can do
to heal the past than to try to be a good mom to them now and to the little
children I have now. I look at these fine young men and still just want to scoop
them into my arms and run from the Bad that I let happen to them for so long
while I wallowed in my own pain and acting out.
They had an absentee mom who didnít know what to do in a really bad
situation, so she did nothing. I
was there, but I wasnít *there* and I definitely wasnít there for them.
So now the last of them are
going into the world and Iím behind, waving and trying not to let the tears
flow. Heíll do well. It
will be really hard for him to get used to a full workday, but heíll do well.
Dylan Iím not so sure
about. The poor kid has his sun, moon and rising sign all in Cancer,
so heís a little sponge filled with love and feels everything, every slight,
every ache so deeply. Yes, I feel
helpless there as well.
That helplessness has
radiated out into the world and put me in a fairly unfamiliar victim role.
That has attracted tons of sadistic shit from the Universe to beat me
down. When youíre a victim, there
will never be a lack of situations, people or organizations to victimize you.
Itís like a vampire...invite it in and you canít get rid of it.
On Saturday, I think I was
at my lowest Iíd ever been. Eric
wasnít reacting well to the garbage that had been going on for a couple of
weeks, just one bad break after another, the most incredible run of bad luck
anyone seemed to have ever found, no help, no solace, no soft place to land
anywhere. It was as though anything
that could go wrong other than losing someone in our family or having them
harmed in some way had happened. We
were at the lowest point of our marriage and for the first time, we just
couldnít connect. Neither of us had anything to give the other one or anyone
else. For the first time, we were
just both utterly depleted at once. Denied
even that respite, I was totally bereft.
I went out to get some air
and just felt done in. I was
surprised by the thoughts I had. I
walked to a nearby park and sat down under a tree and as I sat there, in touch
with the Earth for the first time in a long time, feeling Nature for the first
time in a long time, I felt at peace. In
fact, I felt so at peace that I couldnít even think about going back home
again. Home was where The Bad Stuff
was. I thought that if I died right
then, Iíd be OK. I didnít want
to kill myself or anything, but I thought that if I finally had that Fat Woman
Heart Attack or a car careened off the nearby road and slammed into the tree,
Iíd be OK. I felt complete...I
felt finished. I felt as though I
didnít have anything else to offer in this life and I was ready to move into
the next (which is an odd thought for me because even as a Pagan, Iím totally
unconvinced of reincarnation). I
sat there feeling Nature, breathing deeply in the clean air and feeling it move
through my body. I waited, at total
Of course, nothing happened. Well, to say nothing happened is rather trite...I didnít
die, letís put it like that. Not
physically, anyway. As I sat there,
soaking it all in, I felt a good connection to nature and my mind started to
wander. I thought about how long it
had been since Iíd felt that connection.
I thought about how long it had been since Iíd been outside unless it
was en route to the car or leaving the car to go into a grocery store. When Eric was on the road all week for work, heíd have the
car so we couldnít leave the house unless we walked and itís such a hassle
to coordinate walking 3 kids anywhere that we didnít even try. I didnít even try. It
was just too formidable a thought. So
I seldom left the house at all. Iíd
go out to the grocery store or out to lunch with Eric on the weekend and
otherwise, I was in the house with the kids.
Our house is not currently set up for the kids to play well outside.
We live on the corner of a very busy street and Nathan is still given to
running out into the street at breakneck speed.
The only door into our back yard is through Joshís room, which isnít
very convenient. Granted, when he
leaves, the entire family room will open up to use and we can easily go out back
to play. The kids can even go out
on their own because they will be easily monitored from the house, visually and
otherwise. Most days, the only way
I knew if it was hot or cold outside was by looking at the weatherbug in the
computer systems tray or by noticing how often the heater or AC turned on in the
house. I was in a totally
controlled environment with little or no contact with the outside world unless
it came through the computer.
I thought about how I run my
house and my life from my computer chair, scurrying around for an hour or so
before Eric got home to clean whatever caught my eye in the house, cuddling the
kids around the keyboard for 6 or so hours a day.
I thought about how like so
many other things in my life, something I viewed as a success (the site) was
really horribly out of balance. I
was letting it be my life to the exclusion of so many other things that I really
wanted to do. My ďBooks To Be
ReadĒ pile was growing taller and taller and never getting a dent beyond a
single prologue here and there. I
wasnít writing the books I want to write, just thinking about ideas for them. I was again being an absentee parent, with the only real
improvements being that I was actually in the house (taking away any excuse) and
that my kids arenít being abused by my spouse this time while I look away
crying because I donít know what to do. Itís
better, but itís still not good.
I love the site and Iím
very proud of the entity it has become.
Itís like watching a child you have raised go successfully into the
world and be more than you ever thought it could be (how about if I live by
proxy through my site, eh?). As I
sat under the tree, I knew I wasnít going to die physically; I was going to
die on the internet. That was the
A white car drove by and it
looked like ours, so I figured Eric had shaken himself out of his funk and
figured out Iíd been gone a while. Then
I saw the moon roof and realized it wasnít him.
Being one to read the signs, I thought maybe I should head on home.
I was enjoying the quiet and the revelations and didnít really want to
leave just yet, so I made an offer. If
I was supposed to go home, two more white cars would drive by within 5 minutes.
Four drove by. OK, on my way
Got home and Eric was in
better spirits. I told him I had
decided to quite the site and regain my life.
He was stunned and a little worried that I wouldnít have a life outside
of the kids and house. I sent a
letter out to the staff and posted the notice before I could change my mind or
lose my nerve.
Within an hour, Sage called. He was hurt I hadnít told him what was going on and I
explained that it was just too new. After
a long talk, the arrangements were made. He
would run EOS, scale it back some, Iíd do my writing as usual, scaling it back
a bit. As a writer, Iíd still
have another world to go to, but it would be in better balance with my life.
As soon as I started that
balance, it spread to other areas of my life.
I saw how my eating was out of balance, my spending budget was
outrageously out of balance for our income, my emotions were out of balance and
so thatís what Iíve been working on...achieving balance in all of those
Iíve been seeing the
effects pretty quickly. Helping
Sage has required more computer time than Iíll normally have (Iím shooting
for no more than 2-3 hours a day, cumulatively), but thatís OK because itís
already done in my head, so it feels good.
I can write and have that outlet, plus still have a contact with my dear
netpals. Balance in all things.
I havenít been as hungry
as usual, so thatís helped. I think part of that is the heat. I kept the
thermostat at 72 degrees because the hot flashes have been so bad.
I wear very light house dresses and still get really warm, but 72 keeps
me comfortable. Unfortunately, that
comfort cost $300 last month, so Iím not using the AC now and I work with fans
only. Itís horrible. Itís sweltering, but it will help balance the budget.
No more eating out. No more
thrift shop. No more anything we
donít absolutely need. The
spartan life is mine. I can deal
One of my favorite guruís,
Gary Zukav, says that when we are at our lowest point, when we are as far down
as we can go, we are in our holist moment and are closer to God than at any
other time. That is because the less we have to lose, the less there is
to get between you and God. Sometimes, I think Goddess just keeps taking
away the distractions until you are finally willing not only to listen, but to hear.
I think that I have been putting a lot of imbalance and clutter and noise
and distraction between myself and my spirit; myself and God/dess.
I think all of this
imbalance has medicated me against the real world, against myself and against
Spirit and Iím hoping to use the time to figure out who I really am, not just
as mommy or as Katrina From Eye on Soaps, but as me.
I can still be all those other wonderful things (both of which make me
feel very happy and proud) while exploring my other facets.
This Spring, I planted my own spiritual path to be harvested in the Fall.
Interestingly enough, the first harvest is Lammas, which falls on August 1st...Day
after tomorrow. Second harvest is
at Autumn Equinox when we give thanks for all weíve received...September 21st.
I have a feeling Iím going to have a lot to give thanks for this year.
Thank you for all of your wonderful letters of love and support. They mean the world to me. Iíll still be here almost as much as usual. The only real difference is that the weekly recaps will be slightly shorter. Meanwhile, I know Sage also appreciates all your love and support and he is just going to do a totally fabu job, Darlings!!
|July 19, 2002|
Sorry Iíve been an
absentee again. Real life has been just absolute madness and, as usual,
Iíve been trying to make sense of it all.
Josh is getting
ready to leave for California Conservation Corp to be a firefighter on
August 4th. Heís
tremendously excited about it and I am overriding the searing uterine
pain this produces to be happy for him. Iíve always been really tightly tied to my kiddos and
itís a big MommyTrauma when the go away.
Mostly, I keep it to myself because the last thing then need when
going off on their Big Adventure is to have mom sobbing and hanging onto
their ankles and pulling out her hair (not an easy thing to do both at
once). I was steely strong when Joe (now 24) moved to Victoria,
Canada to set up house with his soon-to-be wife, Sandra. I was strong when in the same month (what
were they trying to do to me?) David moved out (heís 22 now) and into
his own apartment in our town. Josh
is 20 now and so ready to break free.
Because of how things are set up in CCC, I donít expect that
Iíll hear from him much for quite a while.
Thereís not much leave or free time and heís not a letter
writer. Sounds like Mama
needs to buy some phone cards. Iíve
been gearing up for 2 years for him to leave.
This is the one in the bunch who put me through juvenile court a
number of times, took me through teens and drunks and underage drinking
and acting out and being an idiot.
That kept him from getting into any branch of the service (he
tried 3...or was it 4?) and it took him a year to find out he couldnít
do any of them. So now heís ready to break out on his own and it will be so
good for him, but still, it hurts.
Two things donít get any easier no matter how many kids you
have: First day of school
and flying from the nest. Ow...ow,
THEN my little dog
that is 17-years-old and blind in both eyes disappeared.
She hasnít left the house in a couple of years and even goes
into the garage to pee and poop since she lost her sight.
Delena let her into the garage to pee and when I came into the
office to write a few minutes later, I noticed that she wasnít on her
pillow under my desk (from which she doesnít much move).
I remembered hearing Eric telling Delena to put the dog out, so I
went to the garage and called her.
No go. Saw that the
front door of the garage was opened about 6-9 inches, so I went outside
(all of this happened in about a 20 minutes window) and didnít see her
out there either. It was
dusk, so I figured she had A) stumbled out of the garage, gotten clipped
by a car and gone somewhere to die
B) been stumbling around the neighborhood and someone took her in C) ew, crawled behind a box in the garage and died or D)
stumbled along the sidewalk and someone called the county to pick her
up. We put up signs about
her and within an hour, a lady came to the door to say sheís called
the county to pick her up. Eric
went to get her (the address that was listed as where she had been
picked up was ours...god forbid someone knock on the damned door) and we
had to pay $56 in fines, partly because we didnít know we had to bring
her rabies certificate when we picked her up (itís about an hour away
with traffic). Grrr.
But at least she was back home.
THEN, my bird
(cockatiel named Simon) that weíve had for 10 years who was about 12
died. A couple of times in
the week prior, Iíd be typing and hear a thunk from his cage behind me
and turn to see him straightening his feathers at the bottom of his cage
as if to say, ďI meant to do that!Ē
He was fine, we went outside for 15 minutes, came back in and he
was on the bottom of the cage. I
asked him what he was doing down there and he didnít answer.
Eric buried him in the herb garden for me.
:( That bird hated
me with every breath he drew, but he was MINE, dammit!
Then, I got up on
Tuesday morning to find that someone had broken the driverís window to
Ericís truck (a 69 Ford pickup), rolled it down the street and
stripped it of some of its vital organs, like a battery, the carburetor,
the radiator cap (left the 2 radios??), taken the air filter off and
threw it in someoneís yard and took one of the headlights and the
little rim things that go around them.
We figured someone had cased the truck because it had been find
when Eric left at 5am (he had to get something out of it), but when I
got up at 6:15, it was gone and glass was everywhere.
Josh found it about 15 minutes later.
Our thought was someone needed parts for their similar truck and
decided to take ours. That
was proven wrong today when we woke up to find the passenger window on
our new Dodge (a year old) shattered.
Nothing was taken. The car was not even entered.
There was a full CD book on the seat that was untouched.
That makes it feel personal.
The car has full coverage insurance, so it can be repaired (poor
Eric had to get in the glassmobile and drive to work), but the truck
only has liability insurance (as do our other two vehicles, a 69 VW bus
and a 72 Maverick). We were
preparing to sell the truck to get Eric a cheap motorcycle to drive to
and from work and to pay bills this month.
Now it will cost several hundred dollars to get it able to be
Eric loves his new
job (this week), but it pays about half of what his other one did and we
are scraping by on faith. I
refuse to accept that we are going to crash and burn.
I told Eric I wanted to get a job to bring in extra money and he
was insistent that he wanted me to wait until he takes his final for the
bartending certification (he finished the school) and sees what their
placement service can do for him on some part time work.
He is really eager to put his new skills to work and thinks
heíll like it (I know heíll be good at it) and since Iíd be
working just for the money, heíd rather take the second job.
Meanwhile, the finances are requiring some severe creativity.
Itís hard not to get depressed about it, but what can you do?
Getting upset isnít going to fix anything at all.
I did find a good
store to buy groceries and managed to stock us up last night.
Everyone is really excited to have so much food in the house! Nothing looks good to me right now (thank goodness!), so
Iím just letting them go for it and metering it out a bit at a time so
that it lasts. Meanwhile,
in the last 3 weeks of his time here, found a girlfriend, who leaves for
the Army on Monday. Good
Lord, everyone light a candle to the Birth Control Gods.
Those are the
highpoints of a really hectic life right now.
Iíve managed to keep up with my 3-4 columns on the site per
week and regular site upkeep, but it has really been close!
Some days, I feel like Iím cracking a whip from the computer
chair all day.
So now itís time
to pretend to clean the house and maybe get in some affirmations and
meditations before Eric gets home later on.
Gotta keep the old head on straight!
That which does not
make us stronger, kills us!
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April - May 2002
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