First, I want to thank Katrina and Sage for letting me become a part of the EOS Staff. I really appreciate it and I enjoy writing things about “General Hospital,” even when I’m mostly just griping about it. While “GH” has become something of a parody, in my opinion, I am able to extract some pleasure from it through my sarcastic complaining.
I also enjoy the idea of someone reading something I wrote and loving it. Just as much, I enjoy those who have read my words and hate them. Love and hate alike are deeply emotional reactions and I am appreciative of anyone who deems me important enough to invest their most passionate emotions in. Not to sound too ungrateful though, I’m mainly just going for laughs. So, if you fail to feel anything as strong as love or hate, then rest assured, that is fine by me, simply like or dislike, as you wish.
As I went about my week, I found myself feeling superior with my new title of “EOS Staff Writer.” I confess, it had gone to my head, my ego urging me on to go tearing through the city, the phone lines and the World Wide Web screaming, “Do you know who I AM?” I think I’m over all of that, as now, I feel like an idiot. It appears I’ve sat down to write something a gazillion times, which is a whole bunch, mind you, and I haven’t been able to think of anything to say. Being at a loss for words is definitely not conducive to feeling superior.
I am lost in “EOS Land.” I’m thinking there must be some written material Sage or Katrina has forgotten to give me. Some sort of manual that would tell me what to do, like “Writing About Soap Operas, For Dummies.”
I began to realize that I am lacking a muse or some passion to jolt me forth into inspiration. While some aspects of GH have been, well, different lately, there isn’t really any storyline or character I feel strongly about right now. Usually, there are aspects of the show I love and others that I hate. I realize that I’ve become indifferent. Except for the occasional laugh I find in something that wasn’t supposed to be funny, there is little going on at GH that I even care about. There are no sides “to take” and this is my problem, folks:
I have no agenda.
This was news to me, but apparently, if you write about soaps, you must have an agenda. I reached this conclusion after visiting many popular message boards on the Internet. Some of these boards are dedicated to GH in a general sense, so it was hard to get any firm ideas of some subject to write about from those.
The infamous “Fanbase” boards were a goldmine, however. Case in point:
I visited a very, well known board devoted to those who love Sonny and Carly. After perusing their postings I discovered that there are a lot of nice, smart people on that board, just like there are on every board I looked at. Unfortunately there are also a lot who are not nice at all. In fact, they are more like fire-breathing demons turned loose upon the Earth after escaping from the bowels of Hell. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but evil is hardly effective if you’re also going to be ignorant. To be mean AND stupid is simply to make one’s self into an obnoxious buffoon. Their fellow “nice, smart” posters must be highly embarrassed by them.
But I digress. It seems the “obnoxious buffoons” at the Sonny/Carly site, as well as the buffoons at the Sonny/Alexis site (and so on and so forth) all share common enemies. These “Fanbase Enemies” are none other than people who write about soaps! Like me!
I must stop for a moment here and say, “If anyone reading this happens to post at a Sonny/Carly or Sonny/Alexis fan site, please don’t assume that I slithered in among the snakes at your particular site. In fact, for all I know, your site/forum may not have any snakes at all and might be perfectly lovely.” (Singing, “You’re so vain. You prob’ly think this bitchin’s about you.”)
Onward to the good stuff.
Now here’s the really top secret part of what I spied on these boards. You must whisper this next part in your mind, lest anyone hear you or detect your thoughts.
According to the Fanbases, any soap columnist who passes along a spoiler, scoop, rumor or personal opinion that even remotely casts a negative shadow on a Fanbase’s “beloveds,” has a secret agenda to destroy those soap characters AND their fans!
Well, Church say, “Amen,” and can I get a big ole’ “Bwahaha” from the Choir because now we’re cookin’ folks! I get to DESTROY soap characters and fans. Woo-hoo! That is just so very “Cassadine,” don’t you think?
(I am now rubbing my hands together with evil glee and darting my eyes back and forth in twisted anticipation of the destruction to come.)
Now, what agenda do I get? Should Katrina and Sage have assigned an agenda to me? If I have the same agenda as someone else, is that considered impolite? Will they think I’m stepping on their toes? Will I look like a “Destroyer-Of-Soap-Characters-Come-Lately?” I really do think I need some sort of handbook.
I think Sage’s agenda is to destroy Sonny and Carly, oh, and their fans. Or is his agenda to destroy Ric? I’m confused about his agenda, actually.
I’m not sure what Katrina’s agenda is.
I think SoapBoy, at SoaptownUSA has been assigned the task of destroying Jason and Courtney, but I’m not sure.
I’m also not clear on Coggie’s agenda over at SoapZone. ( I think she has disguised her agenda in what’s known as “a vocabulary,” so it’s harder to figure out.)
The buffoon-ish at that Sonny/Carly board are convinced that all of these people (and more) are out to get them and that’s actually what their posts say. I am not exaggerating or making that up. The soap columnists with “agendas to destroy” have been labeled as “antis” by the fans (as in anti-Sonny & Carly, or anti-Liz, etc.). Now, if they’re right about a conspiracy then, have all the “antis” been assigned a Sonny/Carly agenda? Is it okay if I multi-task and destroy more than one Fanbase? If so, where should I begin? This is my big dilemma now.
Who should I destroy?
Maybe, since I’m still a novice, I should start with someone easy, like the character of Audrey. She’s not even on the show anymore, so that should be aces.
Hmmmm. Baby Kristina?
Oooh! I know. How about Carly and Ric’s unborn baby?
(Heh-heh-heh. Do I have a knack to destroy or what? I swear, when I typed that just now, I heard the Sonny and Carly fans take the safeties off their guns. Ahhh, the heady feel of power!)
Maybe I could be a “Fanbase Destroyer For Hire” and prostitute my abilities? After all, I’m indifferent, right? I actually don’t have anything against any soap character, the actors who portray them or any of the fans (at least not the nice ones). I could destroy, but my heart wouldn’t be in it. I guess that means I will suck as a soap columnist. What a shame, yet, what a coincidence since Bob Guza sucks as a soap writer.
Maybe I could have an agenda to destroy “The Powers That Be?” It wouldn’t be as much fun, since they don’t seem to have any fans right now, but imagine the novelty of blaming bad storylines on the people who actually write them, as opposed to the “scoopsters” who just report them?
And to think, I didn’t have anything to say. :-)
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April GH Scoops
Sonny's Dog Day Afternoon
I Must Confess My Guilt
A Purpose For Coleman
Bye Bye Brenda
Carly's Call for Help
What if We'd Always Blended Names?
Griping and Moaning
Ode to My Nipples
A Bedtime Story
Twelve Days of Christmas
Valentine's Day Wishes
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