You asked for it, you got it! This is the premier edition of Sage, Uncensored. Here, you will find my innermost thoughts and opinions about ABC soaps and life in general. This page is not for the light of heart or faint of breath. It is definitely not for those on the verge of or already well into a white hot hatred or even mild dislike of Sage. You aren't going to dig it most likely unless you are an avid fan. It's sure to shock, sure to offend and definitely...uncensored. This particular segment is about Sage's view and does not necessary reflect the opinion of Eye on Soaps, its staff, yourself or other rational, sane folks. Not much gossip here, just ranting and raving. If you accidentally stumbled onto this looking for the other side of Sage that is far more civilized and focused on gossip, click here. Proceed at your own risk (of being offended!!) This column will be updated on an as-inspired basis.
Why Is This Guy Messin With My Soaps?? That's right, I've got a problem and I want some answers. I've always had a very nice relationship with Jesus. I honor him as an ascended master. I think that the words documented that he supposedly spoke are some of the most insightful and holy guidance in any books on our planet. If the New Testament gospels are even 50% accurate in their portrayal of the life of Jesus, I am in awe. Those words are in part why I majored in World Religion in college. If this person, who is considered by millions to be a Master and a Messiah and moved me like this, what else could be out there? Historically speaking, we know that the ones who knew Jesus and wrote the Gospels did so years after the fact, working from memory. Even considering allowances for natural fuzziness over time, the stories are astounding. I can completely see how an entire spiritual path could be built around the life and mission of this man. I can't get behind the persecution of others in the name of God or Jesus. I don't agree with the guilt manipulations (which I never read of Jesus employing, incidentally) employed in his name. I don't agree with his words being used to support governmental and political platforms that would make Jesus' hair stand on end. I do fully appreciate, enjoy and am moved by the lessons he gave, the example he set and the message he delivered. That's why my car has a sticker that says, "Lord, save me from your followers."
But now, Jesus is screwing up my soaps. I can handle the automatic predisposition to Christianity and Catholicism in the soaps. I cringe (ironically, this is how Katrina and I met when she was with another site and I wrote a fan letter to her regarding a column she'd written on the subject) when an evil or manipulative woman is referred to as a "witch" on the soaps because that is a slam on every wonderful, earthy, kind and loving Witch I've ever met. It hurts me and it hurts them and I love them so dearly. But that's not how Jesus is screwing up my soaps. In truth, it's not even Jesus that's screwing up my soaps. As usual, it's those who have taken the words of people who lived after him who dictated particular behaviors that are mucking things up in my soap world.
Right now, it's Steve Burton. Steve came back in a hail of fanfare as a true hero returneth. We were cheering, popping champaign and forming geriatric mosh pits when the camera panned up from his boots, caressed its way up his front and fell on his lovely face. We "eek'd" a bit when we saw his nasty hair, but the next day, she showed up at Kelly's combed and kempt. All was well and we hit the countdown clock, waiting for that sacred moment. No, not the countdown until he and Liz proclaimed their love and locked lips in a fit of passion. We were waiting for the guy to take off his shirt. A reasonable expectation? I think so. Rivaled only by the likes of Ty Treadway and Cameron Mathison, Steve Burton reigned supreme as the easiest and most pleasing taste of beefcake General Hospital had to offer. One had to imagine (and yes I did) that Steve's clothes had breakaway velcro tabs that would render him shirtless in a matter of nanoseconds. He did for skin, leather and towels what Farrah did for hair and teeth.
So he returns...and we wait...and wait...and wait. Now the rumblings have begun and even though this is only rumor at this point, even though I don't even have more than rabid speculations at this point (OK, I can also base it on the results of what I'm seeing on my screen), I can say that I don't like what I'm hearing. Word is that Steve and his wife Sheree are born again and they are not just whistling "Bringing In the Sheeves" about it. Purely rumor says that Steve is vowing not to take off his shirt and in fact, maintains that The Lord has dictated that no one's skin can touch his nipples except his wife's. Evidently, no one can even peep at his nipples unless it's Sheree. Again, this is only rumor, but it's bugging me. Is this in his contract? That's what I want to know. How did the negotiations go? "Hey, Steve, this is Bob Guza, whassup, dude?" "Not much, Bob, how are you?" "I'm good, Steve, I'm good. I've gotcha on speaker phone here with Jill." "Hi Steve!" "Hi Jill." "So Steve, we want to know if you're interested in bringing Jason back to the canvas. Carly's missing and it only stands to reason that Sonny would send for his right hand man." "I'm listening, Bob." "Are you into it?" "I dunno, Bob, it would depend on the conditions of return." "Length of contract? Vacation? Pay per day? Dressing room? All negotiable." "Mmm hmm. What about nipples, Bob?" "I'm sorry, Steve, nickles? You want it down to dollars and cents?" "Not nickles, NIPPLES. If I come back, things are going to have to change. I'm not going to be your pinup boy any more. No more hanging your car keys off the nips. No more flashing of skin. No more towel scenes." Furtive glances between Jill and Bob. Jill shakes her head frantically. "Um, Steve, I'm not sure that will wash, what's brought this on?" "It's the Lord, Bob. The Lord doesn't want me showing my nipples to the world any more." "Pasties?" Jill mouths to Bob. "What about pasties, Steve? Just little nipple covers that don't let anyone see'em. That a go?" He gives Jill a thumbs up, but it limps out quickly. "No, Bob. No covered nipples. No chest hairs. Nothing even close to cleavage. In fact, I'm wearing the leather jacket as much as possible." "Just a minute, Steve." Bob hits mute on the speaker phone and he and Jill whisper and gesture and look like they are going to come to blows. Bob bats at her and hisses, then hits the button to unmute. "It's a go, Steve," (Jill's mouth drops and her eyes shoot flames). "You're in!" "Put it in writing, Bob." "You know it, Steve, my man." Jill holds up a sign that says, "Recast, you idiot, recast!!" "I'll have my people get with you to iron it out, Steve. Get out your pen, boy." Bob hits the hang up button and Jill slaps him in his head. "You IDIOT! I've got a few million slack-jawed, bon-bon eating, dim-eyed housewives, not to mention a few thousand light in the sneakers fairies just waiting for Jason to show his pecs and you've just promised Burton he's a monk in the script!!" Guza looks at her slyly... "But only three of us know that, Cara Mia." He kisses her hand and begins to work his way up her arm. She catches his drift. "We can bait them...act like the shirt is going to fly off at any minute. How...devilish." She looks at him coyly and he breathes, "Bravissimo!" "Guza...you spoke French." Bob reaches her neck and whispers, "It's Italian, mi amore." Fade to black.
Yeah. I think that's how it happened.
No, I'm not saying that Jason and Liz won't be together in November as expected. I'm sure they will. I'm just saying if rumors are true, and again, I have no evidence other than his current and frustratingly consistent clothedness, then rather than Rebecca Herbst's curvaceous breastfeeding boobies in a flesh tube pressing up against Steve's bare chest, we might get little more than a blanket or sheet between them or Jason doing it in his Red Ryder jammies. Further rumors insist that Steve WON'T EVEN DO A LOVE SCENE. We've seen him do a passionate kiss or two, the "Jason pull" [that mega-erotic moment Jason hooked Elizabeth across the lower back and raked her in for an embrace, pelvis to pelvis] and doggone it, just the sweetest hug ever. This could all be nonsensical rumor and gossip with no basis in fact. Jason could strip down nekkie in the last 45 seconds of tomorrow's Friday show. It could happen. Right now, I'm looking at a full glass of Captain Morgan (don't worry, it's only #3) and an empty glass of shirtless Jason. What are we on now? Well, we're looking at almost our 4th month of Jason's return (May 24th) and not a sign of forbidden flesh yet. Could it be for real? I'm not taking my chances. Here's my story: