You asked for it, you got it!  This is the premier edition of Sage, Uncensored.  Here, you will find my innermost thoughts and opinions about ABC soaps and life in general.  This page is not for the light of heart or faint of breath.  It is definitely not for those on the verge of or already well into a white hot hatred or even mild dislike of Sage.  You aren't going to dig it most likely unless you are an avid fan.  It's sure to shock, sure to offend and definitely...uncensored.  This particular segment is about Sage's view and does not necessary reflect the opinion of Eye on Soaps, its staff, yourself or other rational, sane folks.  Not much gossip here, just ranting and raving.  If you accidentally stumbled onto this looking for the other side of Sage that is far more civilized and focused on gossip, click here.  Proceed at your own risk (of being offended!!)  This column will be updated on an as-inspired basis.

STAND BACK, I'M PISSED!!

August 29, 2002
11pm

No wonder they closed off the set!  One of our pals who toured the ABC studios last weekend sent us this picture of the back lot, also known as Guza's Killing Fields.  It is here that the grotesque open air graveyard of all of the characters that Bob Guza has assassinated over the years is on display for all to see and smell.  Our pain knows no bounds and is almost as intense as theirs as one beloved character after another is laid bare, beaten mercilessly and tortured to death.  I am so disgusted by what I've seen on my TV (Although by no fault to the actors!  They've been great!) and for the first time in, well, forever, I am seriously thinking of giving up the show.  If it wasn't for my net buddies, I would.  So what's the death toll so far in the character killing?  Lessee, left to right (and there' s more beyond the scope of the picture):

Laura...no longer a confused, hurt teen who killed her perverted lover, David Hamilton in self-defense, is now a serial killer.  I think it's official now.  We have Hamilton, now Theresa Carter, the hit man in her living room that she took out with a shot gun and now her own father.  I wonder who all else will turn up dead at her hand?  Like one of my beloved readers remarked, she's a regular Serial Mom.  Now, we get to see the vibrant, exciting woman we used to know romping in a field of total madness, reduced to insanity and shipped away to a "facility."  Oh, did I mention she is also chronically crazy by the new character description?

Beside her is Luke, our fearless Rogue with a fabulous Superman complex, who is now left cuddling a babbling woman and saying things like, "Rick should have told you the truth" to lamely justify Laura bashing him in the head with a candlestick.  I'm sure that in his grief over Laura, Guza will soon have Luke right back where he likes him...lurking in the dark shadows, bitter, angry, drinking too much and skulking.  Run, Tony, run!!

There should be a separate cross for Luke and Laura as a composite because Guza has destroyed the couple from the word go, breaking them apart, killing their son, creating a phantom son that Laura lied about over and over and over again, converting Luke to an unforgiving, monstrous oaf at one point and now slapping all Luke and Laura fans in the face with a fallacy of the wedding we were promised with Laura wearing her dirty, destroyed wedding dress and looking in the mirror, seeing herself as beautiful.  Way to make fun of devotion, dick.  Talk about the final "screw you guys" to the L&L fans.

Lucky, our sweet and intrepid worm farmer and devoted beau of Elizabeth, sporting a crooked smile and a loving heart...has now been sacrificed on the altar of horrible acting, intense shouting, hideous miscasting, dark glowering, tattooed, lascivious, horndoggedness.  Another great character bites the dust.

Felicia, devoted mother and loving wife who just, well, didn't mind at all abandoning her family to gallivant all over the world with another man because "he needed" her.  A character who was fun and feisty, but mom all the way, has a year of irresponsibility that was so far off base that she might never come back from it.

Hey, Steve Hardy's in there.  Far from being the competent and respected doctor we thought he was, it turns out he's not even able to handle the hospital budget and managed to drive it into bankruptcy, leaving it in the savage hands of the Cassadines.

But they don't escape either!  Wealth and power don't save you in this game.  Only Nik and Alexis remain standing on the show.  Stefan's goodness and badness shifted with his hair color and went well beyond the intrinsic duplicity of his character, duped repeatedly by Laura and languishing for YEARS without a decent story.  Blessedly, Helena was allowed a good "gotcha" after Guza's predecessors (and, ironically, the same people are his antecessors) cartoonized her and the fabulous Stavros in the vomitous "Endgame" to the point of almost no redemption.  Yeah, a few of these crosses still stand from the McTavish era, it seems.  So go ahead and jam three big ol' opulent Cassadine crosses right in there.

Alexis lost all respect during the painful-to-watch swan dive into the jagged, unforgiving chasm of Sexis, which rendered to her little more than a simpering, pathetic and desperate puppy dog who begged for attention from an unrepentantly ambivalent and ultimately extremely fickle master. 

Kristina, who had potential to be an interesting and enjoyable character in the beginning, became totally intolerable so quickly you could see the countdown to pink slip start ticking the second Guza came on duty. 

AJ isn't just a pathetic drunk any longer!  He's now a pathetic drunk who drove his wife to stripping, set yet another building on fire, terrified his son and (can we hear it for the 500th time at least?) killed Carly's baby.  That's right.  Baby Killer Quartermaine.

Roy, who was a man of honor that went straight to Sonny and told him the he was sent to rat him out and then worked with the mobster to put away a crooked cop, who did the right thing and ratted out Bobbie's almost husband even though he knew Bobbie would hate him for it, is now a patsy puppet for a much lamer mobster AND managed to convince a very reluctant Carly to betray Sonny to the feds (Wha'?).  

Lesley, a respected physician, devoted wife and strong, glowing, confident woman is now a babysitter who blithely tolerated a philandering husband, because, well, that's what you do.  Bringing us to...

Rick himself, we knew as a brilliant doctor, a good man, a devoted and loving husband who suffered from a bad case of unsynchronized passion.  The woman he'd burned for over a couple of decades, whose memory kept him alive in a POW camp until he could return to her, was forever married to another man.  First, his own brother, Jeff, had been his adversary, involved in a marriage of love born over the grief of a brother/fiancÚ thought dead in Vietnam.  Later, the volatile and homicidal Alan Quartermaine captured the heart of Monica as Rick found secure love with Lesley.  When a tragedy threw Monica and Rick together, a moment of weakness temporarily united them once more in a coupling that would change their lives forever.  Rick moved heaven and earth to win back the love of Lesley and regain her trust until her tragic "death" devastated him beyond belief.  Oh...wait...never mind.  He was a serial adulterer who always had women on the side.  My bad.  From what we hear, he was also almost a child molester or perhaps a killer himself.  At least we (and he) were spared that.

Robin, who was a loving, wise, open and generous-heart young woman became a scowling, vindictive, pious shrew.

Emily (McTavish again) dumped the love of her life for another guy based solely on weak information provided to her by AJ The Baby Killer.

Jason doesn't take his shirt off any more.

Sonny now puts out a hit on someone about every 12 minutes, sometimes even taking the hit off which I don't think real mobsters much do.

Tony, a brilliant neurosurgeon, now works in the ER nonstop, being reduced to GH's own Dr Larry.

Scott, who was always a bit of bad, is now mostly just stupid and for some reason runs the PCPD even though he's the DA.

Mac, the same wonderful guy whose brother pulled him from the water after he was nearly blown up in a boat explosion, only to recognize his presumed dead brother, punch him in the face and throw him back in the water (you see, Mac was a rogue and a mercenary and a really, really cool character once and Robert blamed him for the death of their parents in the Australian outback desert), only to reunite with him in time to leave his young daughter for Mac to raise as he quickly became the coolest bartender and adopted dad on the planet (remember when Katherine came in for her 3 olive martini wearing nothing but a raincoat??), is now, let's face it, a stooge...a deliciously handsome stooge.

I could go on, but the bottle is empty and I'm getting depressed.

The next Sage Uncensored will not likely be as grim, but damn, this is just...grim.

 

Note:  Sage gets a fat ton of mail every day and regrets he can't answer everyone personally.  He loves ya, he just might not get a chance to write to ya!  Besides!!  He writes to you every week in a column whether you write to him or not!  So there!