You asked for it, you got it! This is the premier edition of Sage, Uncensored. Here, you will find my innermost thoughts and opinions about ABC soaps and life in general. This page is not for the light of heart or faint of breath. It is definitely not for those on the verge of or already well into a white hot hatred or even mild dislike of Sage. You aren't going to dig it most likely unless you are an avid fan. It's sure to shock, sure to offend and definitely...uncensored. This particular segment is about Sage's view and does not necessary reflect the opinion of Eye on Soaps, its staff, yourself or other rational, sane folks. Not much gossip here, just ranting and raving. If you accidentally stumbled onto this looking for the other side of Sage that is far more civilized and focused on gossip, click here. Proceed at your own risk (of being offended!!) This column will be updated on an as-inspired basis.
GUZA'S BIG FRICKIN PROBLEM
OK, I did a bit of research and managed to track down the midwife who delivered GH Co-Head Writer, Bob Guza (she's about 120 now and could only communicate through table tapping and nodding). After she remembered who I was talking about, she dug out this startling photograph and confirmed the sad truth: Bob Guza's mother had a stone teet and could not breastfeed him. Try as he might, he couldn't eek out a drop and was forced to survive on the vinegar and cornmeal solution she was able to put together. Her heart was also made of stone and she was a cold rock to her infant son, seemingly impervious to the emotional needs of her demanding baby. Thusly, his impression of women and, more specifically, mothers, was set in stone (so to speak) at an early age.
Now, Guza creates the worst mothers on earth to parade across our screen, acting as though it is perfectly natural that they behave like guppies, swimming away from their children and their needs as soon as they squeeze them out, fawning over them in an exaggerated fashion when they do happen, by chance, to cross paths with them.
This week has solidified the BAD MOM BRIGADE in trumps. First is Felicia The Fearless. Alcazar basically threatens her daughters right in her face and rather than doing the SMART thing that Roy suggested and beating feet out of Port Charles and getting her bairn out of danger, she defiantly and stubbornly insists on staying right in the thick of things so SHE can help Roy defeat Alcazar, an international drug and arms dealer. Forget her kids, who are in obvious danger. Forget that she's putting herself in critical danger by getting involved in such drama in the FIRST place, now she insists on STAYING in the middle of it. I didn't buy that bullshit about Alcazar's "connections" for a second. If she's so damned slick that she can take Alcazar out, she's slick enough to evade him and take the guuurrrrrrls and get the hell out of Dodge. As I have said, BULLSHIT. She is terrified that something's going to happen and she's not going to be right in the middle of it. God forbid we don't have Flea in Port Charles to unravel every mystery and bust down every jaywalker or mass murderer in town. Oh yeah! She's the great crime fighter and master sleuth...the one who missed that whole business of people being killed in her damned attic and digging up skeletons in her back yard. Which reminds me, why did they only get Theresa Carter's skull?? And why did Rick and Scott dig her up in the first place? Didn't that just provide more incriminating evidence? Wouldn't it be better to just let sleeping psychotic whores lie? She blew off finding out how Laura's wedding dress was destroyed (which we still don't know), "Pfft. I dunno!" when that could have been a kick ass mystery for her to solve. Evidently, she only wants to play when the stakes are high enough to die, as with Faison.
The situation is made worse when it's considered that she's a single parent. It's bad enough that they have one deadbeat parent who is never, ever criticized. She let Frisco run off to follow his bliss and never look back, no matter what was going on back home. Of all people, MAC had to go drag his ass back from Cairo or where ever he was when his daughter was DYING and even then, he just knocked up Felicia and left again because he just couldn't handle how *sigh* boring being a father and a responsible human was compared to being a freaking spy. Oh Jeez, by all means, let's not have Frisco sacrifice a moment of his exciting life to be a presence in his daughters' lives and teach them that they are worthy of a minute of his time or even a thought in his mind. How in the hell this man can sleep in his own skin is beyond me and how Felicia could encourage him to be a selfish bastard is more than I can imagine. If anyone should be putting the smack down and making him walk his talk instead of playing Indiana Jones, it's the mother of his children!
But no, she's way too busy with her own adventures to be saddled down with the needs of daughters in a critical time of their lives. She abandoned them for a whole year (under Guza's poison pen) to follow Luke around all over creation, leaving them with a surrogate parent, much as Frisco dumped her to go have fun. No wonder Maxi is such a bitch and no telling what problems NuGeorgie is going to have. She is ALL they have now that Mac is busted down to recurring character status and she's willing to put herself in jeopardy to "take out Alcazar" rather than err on the side of caution and get her children out of danger. If *I* were Felicia, as soon as I knew Roy was in the business of pissing off Sonny Corinthos just for the fun of it, I'd be asking for my damned $500,000 back (and exactly WHY was it that Felicia got any of that money?? *sheesh* I want a pal like Roy...I find a mill in your closet and you just give me half?) and use it to buy a hacienda in the Texas outback and hide out forever. My ears would perk up, my lupine nostrils would flare out sniffing danger and the next thing anyone would see would be roadrunner zing marks in the shape of me and my gurrrrllls. Alcazar would never even have a chance to see me as a threat. But no. Felicia is Brave! Felicia is Stalwart! Felicia is Stupid and has to be right in the thick of things to feel alive and children be damned, she's going to take down Alcazar!!!
Next bad mom is, of course, Carly. Oh, just WAY to piss me off, girl! I could almost follow the bouncing ball on all of the men who got to be Michael's father. I definitely can't get behind all the people who call Carly a whore because I don't think she's a whore or a slut at all. I mean, the girl has been in town since 1996 and in those 6 years, she's only slept with Jason, AJ, Tony and Sonny. That's damned near virginal by soap standards! Sure, she did some sleazy things, but a whore? I don't think so at all. A bad mom...absolutely.
I'm beyond pissed that the show so blatantly glosses over the inherent danger she (casting Sonny aside for a bit) puts Michael in just by being involved with Sonny. Anyone who has ever watched a soap or a mob movie knows that when a rival wants to hit a mobster, they make a move on their family. But no, because Carly is so in love with Sonny, it makes it OK that Michael is in constant danger. To take it a step further, AJ is made to look like an ass whenever he brings it up. Sure, to live in the Quartermaine mansion, Michael runs the very real threat of turning into a total asshole, but in the Cortinthos penthouse, he runs the very real threat of being blown to bits. Sonny has come right out and admitted that Alexis is right; he can't protect the people around him. He's had his wife and unborn child blown apart before his eyes. Brenda was cut down in a hail of bullets in the shower. Nikolas was caught in a crossfire. Alexis and Emily were caught in another bulletstorm outside the police station. Sonny has been shot at and blown up more times than anyone can count. Kristina just died in a warehouse explosion that could very easily have happened with Michael inside. It makes me sick to hear people saying that it's "not Sonny's fault" that all of these terrible things happen around him; that other people do them *to* him. *insert petulant, defensive whine here* Ah, ah, ah, ah (sneeze coming) ah, ah BULLSSSSHIT!!! Sonny, as he freely admits, chose the life, so he chose the strife. Every time Carly looks into his eyes and massages his neck with her forearms and says, "I don't care about the danger...I love you and I want to be with you," she is sentencing her dependent son to a life of danger. Today she was dumb and selfish again. I cannot believe they actually said the words that Carly is staying because Sonny is in danger. So if the heat comes down hard, Michael gets to lose both parents?? Wait. He still has his real and constant parent: Leticia. Whether that poor kid was housed with Jason or AJ or Carly or Sonny and Carly, Leticia has always been there for him. Now THAT'S a parent.
So now, Carly is putting herself in even more danger than usual, having also gone on board a plane to explain to a frightened little boy who just learned that his father is a killer that she has to stay behind while he is (obviously) being shuttled out of harm's way. For shame. She should be putting Michael first and be safely stowed beside him on that plane, nervously waiting until the coast is clear. A spoiler says that Carly wants to become something like the "best mob wife ever." Pfft. Maybe she should work on being the best mom ever. What a novel concept.
Laura is no peach either under Guza's hand. She abandoned her newborn son with people she did not trust to go looking for a husband she thought was dead, knowing she could never go back and retrieve him, knowing she would break Stefan's heart and his anger would be shared with the son she abandoned. She disappeared over and over, leaving Lucky for months at a time. Now, it's revealed that she can become a headcase in a matter of a few weeks.
Luke is definitely getting a bad parent award because while his intentions toward Laura might be honorable, his actions are leaving LuLu totally orphaned. Mom will be in a looney bin and Dad will be serving a life sentence in prison. Lesley is no spring chicken, so what happens if she isn't able to raise a young girl to adulthood? Of course, Luke has never once been accused of being a doting parent, but to be totally oblivious to the future of his own child is unforgivable. OH! I forgot!! A while back, Luke shared with us (also under Guza's writing) that he just doesn't feel the same about LuLu now that she has Cassadine blood in her from the bone marrow transplant from Nikolas that saved her life. I guess he meant it when he said it.
It doesn't even pay to go into the parents who just never mention their kids...Bobbie, Scott, Ned...God knows Lucas has been with Mary Ann so long, we probably won't even recognize him the next time we see him (wink), he will have shot up a foot and aged about 10 years.
So far, the most attentive parent I've seen on the show has been...Alexis, the parent most attacked and belittled and ripped apart by fans. At least she talks to peanut and is separating her out from danger, but even that is coming under threat with the constant, "You're doing too much, Alexis...You're taking on too much, Alexis...You're working too hard, Alexis..." and the ominous words floating around, "test results." Of course, it's her MSAFP (Maternal Serum Alpha-Fetoprotein - thank God Katrina was a Lamaze teacher for 17 years and can tell me all this mumbo jumbo) and of course, it's going to tell her that she has some kind of over work-induced spinal bifida or Down's syndrome or some other malady that cannot possibly be caused by over work. Heaven forbid she have good old high blood pressure or something that makes sense.
I guess because I lucked out and got a really great mom, I am sensitive to those who don't have really great moms and yeah, I've got a bit of a complex about abandoning parents and parents who die. Sure, my dad didn't choose to have cancer and die before I was even born, but that doesn't keep me from getting pissed off at parents who are portrayed as putting themselves in situations voluntarily to take themselves out of their kids' lives. Pfft. Guza should be listening to the maternal people on his staff and let them write about the parenting because he just sucks at it. Leave his talent for the rockets red glare and Jason's steely stare.
God help this man's children if he has any. He'll have them wet-nursed to a rock.
Rant off. Write and defend any of these people and just pretend I wrote you back and said, "Pfft."