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If you are
unfamiliar with the story of The Head or need a review, here is the
trail of links that tells the tale of The Head:
Start here
then here
then here
And lastly, here.
OK, now
that you are well versed in how things work with The Head (and yes,
I finally found an apt depiction of "The Head," which is what you
see above, except that mine has been cut to pieces and glued back
together and has some chunks missing (it's made of a kind of latex
foam stuff). So I got the head back again in March when Kurt
buried it in my garden.
I waited.
 I
could tell he was getting antsy and was expecting something to
happen, so I decided to get him going for a while. In April, I
ordered this Care Bear for him from Amazon.com and had it delivered
to his house. It was only about $15 with shipping and I knew I
was going to get it back. Worst case scenario is they get a
Care Bear and I'm out a few dollars. Sure enough, within two
weeks, it was credited back to my account as a return. Heh heh
heh. He thought I'd sealed up that box with the head inside,
that paranoid dog, just as I thought he would.
I went over
to visit a lot. One day, I brought over a giant carpet bag
with me and never addressed the fact that I had it at all. I
just carried it around with me where ever I went, including
the bathroom. Twice. I took it with me when I left.
I never said a word about the bag and neither did he.
The
beginning of May, his car stalled out and he called me to come and
give him a jump start. Of course, I went, but even then, when
I hadn't even thought of nabbing him on The Head, he was looking at
me all suspicious and wary and I realized he thought I was going to put
it under his hood or something like that. (The seed is
planted.)
May 16th,
Kurt's birthday. I made a huge layer cake for him, 4 layers
with lots of frosting. He refused to cut it, thinking I'd
hollowed out the inside and dumped in The Head (I thought about it).
Yes, he was going to make it difficult this time.
But it
wasn't. In fact, it was frighteningly easy. . . or so I
thought. May 22nd. My friend, Bing, works bagging
groceries at a store where both Kurt and I buy groceries. It's
really the closest grocery store around and the prices are good, so
we go there 98% of the time when we shop. I waited for my
moment and as soon as Kurt said in conversation that he and
Max were going to go get the oil changed out in the car, then go to
the store to get a hoard of groceries, I knew I had bingo on my
card. As normally happens, my plan immediately begin to click
in my head like the well-greased wheels of a train.
click.click.click.click.click. I smiled and told them we
really should get together for a BBQ afterwards. Heh heh heh.
Poetry!!!
Bing was working that day. I slipped down to the store while I
knew they were getting the oil change and pulled Bing in on my plan.
The real wild card in the plan was that Bing and Kurt don't know one
another very well. Max always does the shopping and Bing and
Kurt just don't travel in the same circles. Kurt is corporate
and Bing is 30 years old and bags groceries for a living. No
problem. I left a photo of Max and Kurt with Bing and we put
The Head into a paper bag. I described what both Max and Kurt
were wearing and told him that I was positive that they would want
paper bags because Max has some kind of girlly notion about plastic
bags choking fish in the rivers or something. Pfft.
Whatever. We looked around for something to conceal The Head
with in the bag and settled on something fairly benign: large
package of napkins (dinner, not sanitary). I went home,
read a magazine upside down and waited for the call. Heh heh
heh.
>:<
The call came. It was from Bing, not from Kurt and it came
about TWO HOURS later. It came after Maxine and Kurt were
already at my house for the BBQ!! When Kurt tooled into my
house, I had set up the grill out back and figured that rather than
call, he had decided to concede his defeat at dinner. Then he
didn't say anything. WTF? After about 20 minutes, I was
starting to get puzzled when the phone rang and Bing said he needed
me down at the store right away. I left the house for a while
to find out what was going on and it turns out Bing gave The Head
to the wrong people!!!! I guess there was some kind of
massive upheaval when they got home and found the head amongst their
groceries, phoned the store all freaked out, talked about bringing
charges and calling police and all kinds of crap. I smoothed
things over by saying that I had been in the store earlier to
PURCHASE SOME NAPKINS, amongst other things, and had been carrying
my head around, found it was disturbing people and so I put it in
the bag, then accidentally left it there when I was paying for my
purchase. A bagger must have seen MY bag and thought it went
with the groceries of the poor victims. I made a big fuss
about my head being safe and told them that it HADN'T BEEN BROKEN
BEFORE!!!! Indignant, I took my head and left and Bing was in
the clear, so it wasn't a big deal. Except that I STILL HAD
THE DAMNED HEAD. I wonder what they thought about the note
pinned to The Head that said, "Take me home, Daddy. EAT ME!!"
Went back
home with The Head in the trunk, had a nice cookout and then drank
and licked my wounds. >:<
I thought
about putting The Head in a baby buggy with a tape recorder playing
a loop of a baby crying, then just push it into their yard and wait,
but then I remembered that Maxine has had 2-3 miscarriages and
figured that could backfire in a not so nice way and vetoed the
idea. I *do* have scruples, even in the Giving Head game.
I wish I
could say I ended up doing something glorious to get The Head back
to him, but sometimes, the simplest solutions are the best.
Memorial Day weekend, I just got fed up, snuck over to his house in
the middle of the night, popped his hood, pulled the wires on his
distributor cap so that the car wouldn't start and put the head in
some free space in the front left of the under-hood area, looking
up. Note said, "Let's motorvate, baby." All Kurt had to
say was, "You're slipping." I figured, "Who's slipping, you've
got The Head, Dude."
So that's
how that happened. Sorry for the anti-climax. If I could
have thought up a better ending to give you instead of what really
happened, I would have, but of course, if I could have thought up a
better ending, I would have done it in the first place!
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