and his name shall be... Ryan Lavery!

Introducing the guest writers who sing for us "when the Muse strikes"

September 10, 2005
By Emeraldax

Choose your own caption! 
(a) I’ll never look at baked goods quite the same again. 
(b) I’m so glad Greenlee didn’t mention creamy white filling. 
(c) So which do you think is more representative of Zach? 

Greenlee is such a mini-megalomaniac.  Her abilities to reduce everything to being solely about her are quite powerful.  When she is using her powers for good, it can be entertaining, even if exasperating.  When she is using it for evil, it is not a pretty sight.  I chose to see her rigid rule-setting for Kendall as entertaining because Kendall is a big girl and will tell Greenlee to shove it if she doesn’t agree with it.  Which, to my glee, she did.  It was funny when Kendall tried to explain to Greenlee the whole “safeguard against love” rationale for marrying Zach that she had used with Erica.  It worked better when she was selling it to Erica – she had just been hurt by Ethan, and clearly needed that sanctuary.  This time it seemed very half-hearted indeed. 

I think Greenlee and Kendall must be tired of Sonny and Jason (from GH) holding the reigning title of Ambiguously Gay Duo.  The ladies are giving them a run for their money.  The scene where Greenlee sings to Kendall about having her baby was so tender and romantic.  Nah, it’s more like the movie Flash Gordon (the one with the kickass theme song by Queen).  It is so incredibly cheesy.  It is really quite embarrassing.  And yet you find yourself enjoying it anyway.  When scenes like this are on, I always wonder what might be going on inside the mind of someone who happened to turn the channel to ABC, right at that moment. 

A lot of Zendall fans are biting their nails to the quick about what the fallout will be once Kendall finds out for sure that Zach knows that Ryan is alive.  I think I might see where the writers could be going with it. On the previous Friday, Kendall was pissed when she walked out of BJ’s, but it didn't look like she changed her mind about Ryan being alive. Then on Monday she was spouting Zach’s words to Greenlee. Did Zach really convince her, or is she just saying all this to Greenlee so that Greens won’t be hurt? If it is the latter, then Kendall is now in the same position as Zach – feeding Greens a lie so that her asshat of a husband can’t hurt her anymore. If that is the case, then Kendall is now in a position to understand Zach’s motives.  Under the circumstance, she might be more likely to forgive him when it all comes out.  I could be wrong – she could actually believe what she was saying to Greenlee. I just seriously doubt it. 

This week Zach continued working his way through the townfolk to get at the truth.  The exchange between Zach and Mimi was quite charged.  More on that later. Then we got to see Zach and Babe.  Carey the Younger apparently cracks more quickly than her mama.  Later, there was quite an interesting exchange between Zach and Tad.  Zach was yanking Tad’s chain because he knew that Di was Dixie.  Tad was yanking Zach’s chain because Tad has Julia stashed in his attic. 

The Glare Mimi gave Zach was only Glare Lite compared to the one I mentioned in a previous column.  I guarantee you when she finds out about the skeevy stuff going on between Dani and Garrett, The Glare will be in full force. Garrett will start bleeding out of every orifice on his body. 

I am officially creeped out by Garrett.  When he walked into the dressing room I didn’t know whether to giggle hysterically or puke my guts out.  It didn’t help that the dressing room was apparently very cold.  It was all very strange to see Dani discussing all this with Josh, Ethan and Simone while they were on some pseudo-double date.  Suddenly she’s hanging out with the big kids.  I miss Reggie.  I hope they aren’t going to reduce him to popping in every so often to glare at Dani and Josh and Lily and Sam, then pop out again.  

Amanda is fascinating to watch.  No, really.  One minute she is all snark and snarl, the next minute she seems normal, then the next minute she has her hands down someone’s pants.  It’s the normal moments that intrigue me.  The jury is still out on her, but at least she isn’t one-note anymore.  But she really needs to go hang out with Aidan more.  He doesn’t like her very much, but as far as I recall, he hasn’t treated her like dirt that he still likes to get dirty with, regardless.  Jamie must look up to his big brother more than he realizes.  He is certainly trying hard to follow in JR’s footsteps with his treatment of women. 

JR gives great snark, and it was funny to see Babe having to grit her teeth and be charming.  I do say that I just loved the look on JR’s face when Babe went out to her car and he mumbled sarcastically about Little Adam being the love of her life.  It is hard for me to watch a high drama scene with a young child in it, because I keep worrying about the little tyke.  I find myself analyzing how the scene was directed to least freak out the kid, rather than focusing on the action.  The pool scare seemed designed by the writers to create a sympathetic view to JR and Babe together as parents – which is fine by me since I want to see them as a couple.  It was also designed to make Babe’s halo glow even brighter.  The writers really need to read the online message boards and see that it is just more likely to piss people off than win them over to whatever character is up for sainthood at the moment.   

Did Maria and Edmund really fall in love while she had food poisoning?  I’m really trying to like Julia, so I am always glad when I’m given something to work with.  I think there was a collective “huh?” when she seemed to be referring to herself and Noah when she was going on about love turning sour.  I was guessing that maybe she meant that Noah was so restless in the WPP, that not even their great love for each other helped him to stay put.  I know one thing, I really hope Julia goes back to wearing strange black dresses, because that shirt was hideous to behold.  

Wow, I didn’t know the feds were such assholes.  They were so horribly cruel to Julia.  Sam needs to write a letter to his Congressman about this.  Not to belittle Julia’s trauma – what she went through was the pits.  But her tone implied that the feds have such methods because they have sticks up their asses or because they have Machiavellian tendencies.  The feds have such methods because they want people to be able to testify against powerful and ruthless scum and not have to fear for their lives.  I think it is possible, Julia, to lament your tribulations (over and over and over and over) without acting like the people who reconditioned you were getting off on it. 

On the flip side, I hope Julia rips Di a new one.  I think Di finally skeeved me out on Friday.  Instead of giving up the charade, she desperately tried to wiggle out of telling the truth.  I think it was the first time since she’s been on that I didn’t like her.  She was making an utter fool out of Tad.  I was glad when he took her home and revealed that he still thinks she’s hiding something.  There was something that confused me. Sam doesn’t know DiDixie?  He’s been spending the summer with Tad, and hasn’t yet seen them together? 

Tad just cannot seem to keep from falling hard for women with secrets.  He is such a sucker!  Di should hear the story about how quickly he forgave Krystal for all her lies, then maybe she would be more likely to spill.  On the other hand, JR is about as forgiving as a steel beam, so she won’t get any yield in that quarter. 

Every time they meet, Adam and Krystal get more and more sexual in their barbs.  I’m waiting for some bystander to tell them to just jump each other already and get it over with.  I’m looking forward to their visit to West Virginia.  That should be pretty funny.  I loved it when Adam mentioned Piggly Wiggly.  For those of you who didn’t see “Win a Date With Tad Hamilton,” starring the very charming Josh Duhamel -  two of the characters worked in a Piggly Wiggly in a West Virginian town.  That could not have been a coincidence. 

The writers are on a roll this week.  Day after day we got some hilarious banter.  The one liners have been flying all over the place.  Another Myrtle sighting!  It’s like Christmas.  Does she own a dress shop or is she a seamstress? 

In Elmo in Grouchland, the evil Huxley (played by the divine Mandy Patinkin) says to his not-so-evil sidekick, “You really know how to ruin a villainous moment.  Now get back into the cartoonishly evil vehicle, and drive!” 

Thanks for reading!

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