Sage's Archives:  

August-Sept 2001


September 23, 2001

Darlings, my sources are as dry as dem little dry bones, dem bones, dem bones, dem dry bones.  There are only a few little tidbits to hash about (few potatoes, almost no meat in dis hash), so we’ll have to just play around some with what is coming down the pike and what is showing on the screen. 

Thanks for everyone who has written with concern for Mom.  She’s doing much better now, is eating solids again and sleeping through the night with only her regular nap through the day.   Marji and Sally know some people who are missing now, but other than that, everyone is calming down and not as shaken as they were.  I tend to judge things (this is what a tremendous introverted self-centered little mite Sage really is) by how my immediate world is affected then work outward from there, so as long as Edgar Cayce/Nostradamus woman is sleeping normally and back to her old self, I’m going to label everything as “better” and move on.  *sheesh*  Normal does feel like it will ever really happen again.  God knows I’m never flying anywhere AGAIN and since Amtrack crashes about every third train it puts on the tracks, I might end up just holing up in my little corner of the world forever.  I plan to sneak up to Sac next week if I can get Ma to go hang out at Kye’s for a few days.  My Katrina needs some Sage cuddles and I want to get a few laughs in with her before Husband La Handsome dons the AF uniform again and whisks her away to nastily isolated parts unknown, ne’er to be seen except in computer land.  I'm pretty worried about my beloved webmistress (How I love that's sooo, spidery) with their recent run of bad luck and her talk of maybe needing to shut down EOS!  Where will I GO?  What will I DO? *sniff*  You'd better know my EOS donation is going right up to Sac with me to help her out!  For more info, click on the tithing box at or on any of the front pages for the soaps. 

Yesterday was Autumn Equinox, which is when I normally pull in the first batch of Sage (not me, silly, the HERB – but would it not have been hilariously tragic if Mom had gotten wild and named me Herbert Sage?  Herb Sage would have been disastrous) for drying.  We’ll get another pull before the year is out.  The butterflies are taking over the lavender and rosemary, those drunken little flyboys. 

Anyway, soaps…we were talking soaps, were we not? 

I KNEW IT!  Ryan is leaving and I shall see my Cam no more.  *sigh*  SUCH a pity.  I guess that means that a reunion is inevitable between Liza and Adam, but I saw that coming too.  Mia is, of course, going to turn out to be Liza’s real sister and they will kiss and make up and Mia’s angst at being the rejected daughter will be small-cinematically hung out to blow in the breeze in front of all of us.  I don’t think I’ll need to invest in more Puffs for that one.   

I got seven different kinds of piqued that the spoilers said Laura and Leo would come to blows and was emotionally beaten myself when it was only LOW blows like Leo saying, “You might as well be dead.”  Well, my sentiments exactly, don’t get me wrong, but I never expected to hear HIM say it.  (Lifting my tiny crystal glass of Hazelnut liqueur to him for venting his attractive little spleen)  My boy Leo is definitely at the breaking point and I’m reading that Brooke is going to threaten Leo with bad stuff if she breaks Sweet Laura’s brand new heart.  I almost hope Leo tells her to stick it and walks into the sunset.  This boy needs a new game.  Noble just isn’t working for him.  As soon as Laura narrows her beady little rat eyes, I want to inflict damage upon her. 

My poor Opal is so sad about Palmer that I have to wonder where they are taking this.  It was funny as hell when she was talking to Erica about Palmer and Erica thought she was talking about her and Chris.  Again, it’s so good to see the most palatable Jack Scalia back on the tube again.  He’s really eating up the role of Chris Stamp and I love it.  Good thing he turned out to be a fed instead of  a janitor or Erica would never have given him the time of day. 

Name that kid already, people.  Good God, it’s not like you haven’t had MONTHS to think about it!  Most people I know have named their first kind by their third date!  Name it Salsa Santos and move on.  Do I have to do everything around here?  When Prince Harry was born, I was the one demanding the kid be named Up so that their family would be Up, Chuck and Di and no one would listen to me then either.  When will they all learn? 

Julian…not digging it, but it was most refreshing to see Ryan whomping on him. 

Moving right along: 



Not much good going on there, just lots of wasted talent and way too much time spent on brand new actors that we are not bonded to and don’t give a crap about, even if they are playing old characters (Carly).   

Will someone PLEASE give AJ some bones so the boy can stand up for himself?  Right now, drunk and arsonist or not, he IS the better parent for Michael, even though Michael would freak out because he doesn’t know it.  Safety speaking, the Q’s are in a far better bartering position. 

Nikolas is going to pretend to kill Slizard the water-retaining lizard?  Sounds like a poisoning to me, then Lucky is going to jump in and save the day?  We were doing great until Liz and Lucky came onto the scene.  Almost anything with Nik is a worthy watch anymore.  As soon as the other scoobies are involved, it gets icky. 

Kristina I can handle better than Angel or Carly. 

Well slap me to sleep then slap me for sleeping, looks like the powers that be might JUST be getting rid of Angel!  We’ll see!  I might have spoken too soon last week!




Why is Ben more attractive as Dave than as Ben?   

Why is Troy better looking than Colin was? 

Why is NuBo (since the face) dumber than OldBo? 

Why does John suddenly have a million grey hairs? 

Why is Finola Hutchinson and even worse actress than she was before?  Take that drama to your mama  or that big stage, girlfriend!  We’re on a LEEEETTTLE screen here and you’ve got to stop eating the scenery and biting the heads off your co-stars for Sage to want to watch you! 

New actor to play Al?  Maybe those cuts on his face are going to require totally plastic surgery make over!  That hasn’t been done in waaaaaaay too long and would be funny since the last one I remember was actually Max. 

Seth?  Natalie?  Town.  Rail.  Exit thataway.  Enter, NuWill (ew). 

Melanie?  Plotting with Lindsay to win their men (which men?) back by faking Melanie’s impending death?  Whatever.  I wanted her to go mui loco and start wearing her wedding gown around town like Lindsay, then be carted away to a mental ward much more industrious and electrically managed than St Anne’s!   

Troy?  Rrrroowwwllll.  Nora better open her eyeballs for the choice between him and NuSam.  Whhoooooo’s acting like a violent, intrusive idiot now?  That’d be Sammy. 

OK, so Rachel is back.  Where was she this week, my little buttercup? 

I’ll give you the rumors as I hear them!  It’s deathly quiet now! 

Next week…me…you…here.  It’s a date!


September 16, 2001


It has been FOREVER!  How I have MISSED YOU!  Thanks so much for your letters.  I love them all, even if it takes me years to reply.  Please be patient with Sage!  Life has just been a roller coaster lately, as I’m sure it has been for everyone else in the country.   Mother started getting strange the end of last week (Lord, all my days are running together.  That’d be the 6th or 7th, I guess)  and we were sure she was in for another bout with her heart right when she'd been doing so well.  She was pacing back and forth, muttering all the time about “those poor people, those poor people” and having severe crying jags.  She was just inconsolable.  She wouldn’t tell us what was going on and the docs had told us that after her last heart attack, she might have times of disorientation and dissociation ("Asa!  She has Asa Buchanan Syndrome," I thought!).  Secretly, I think with her age we were all afraid of Alzheimer’s.  She didn’t sleep at all Monday night and I sat up with her and tried to do what I could for her.  Tuesday morning, when “it” happened (we know in retrospect it was when “it” happened although we didn’t have the TV on at the time) she sat bolt upright in bed and was screaming, “Get out of there!  Get out of there!” and crying her eyes out. It was really, really horrible.  Then, a little bit later, Sal (My sister Marj's husband) managed to finally get a call through from the East Coast, about 7:30 our time, and told us what happened.  Then we knew what it had all been about.  She’s doing better now that it’s past us, but it was a pretty hairy two weeks.  The whole time, she flat out refused to go to the hospital and the docs couldn’t be much help over the phone and pretty much said we could sign commitment papers to have her cared for or we could just try and keep her from hurting herself.  We chose the latter.  Since then, she’s done little but sleep.  She’ll wake up, take some soup or herb tea, ask if there’s any new information, then fall asleep again.  She doesn’t seem to be losing any weight, so we’re just waiting her out. 

This isn’t the first time something like this has happened, but it was definitely the most intense and severe.  She has always known when the girls were pregnant, where they’d been when they stayed out too late, when to run out of the house in the middle of the night to run the critters out of the herb gardens, where Rosemary was even when no one else did and when she’d be home again.  The girls tell me that she knew early on that Dad was going to get lung cancer and begged him to stop smoking (he didn’t stop until he was in an Oxygen tent).  I wasn’t born yet when he got sick and was only a few months old when he died, so I don’t remember that.  In fact, the story is that the first night they met, she walked right up to him and told him that they’d be married within a month and they were.  On the evening of the big earthquake (I think it was in 89, but I don’t remember for sure and I’m too godawful tired to look it up) in Oakland, just practically down the road from us, we were eating dinner and she stopped in mid bite and said, “You know, I think we’re going to have a shaker!” and within ten minutes we were standing in the door jams, watching the pictures fall off the walls and dodging falling crockery.  The Oklahoma City bombing really threw her for a loop because she didn’t even get a nudge about it.  I guess you can’t be “on” all the time.  She was sure “on” this time and I thought it was going to kill her.  She’s sleeping a lot more fitfully tonight than the last few nights, so I’m starting to get a little nervous.  But I don’t want to talk about depressing things, which makes starting with General Hospital a little bit of an irony, but hey, let’s go for it. Oh and by the way: 



I was SO thrilled with our last week of GH, not because of the stupid writing, although I guess they did the best they could at building a Kristina story, but because of the break from shitty acting.  Seeing Stephen Nichols, Wally Kurth, Nancy Lee Grahn, Constance Towers and Robert Kelker Kelly getting the majority of the air time was a real gift and yes, Jaime Ray Newman was, in my opinion, wonderful in the role of Kristina.  Taken on her own, a couple of years ago, I would have dismissed her with a wave of my hand, but in light of some of the acting we’ve been seeing this year, she’s freakin’ Meryl Streep.  Bravisimo, bravisimo.   

Seeing Angel come out in red was extremely anticlimactic, in my view at least.  “In an emotional moment,” as promised by Head Writer Megan McTavish, was definitely a whimper rather than a roar.  Zzzzzzzz. 

I sincerely hope that there are plans for a storyline for Jax rather than just bringing him back because Ingo was willing to return, only to figure out what to do with him later.  So far, all he has done is usher in Kristina.  He stands precariously perched at the crossroads between interesting and front burner versus back-burner and prop-status. 

Darlings, to the gossip part, let me tell you that there are two very distinct camps on the Robert Scorpio issue.  Two of my contacts are saying that it’s still a go and to watch out for November sweeps.  One that is actually closer to the set says it’s not going to happen and that the info was released simply to give hope to those who were denouncing JFP so soundly.  Ow!  If that’s true, we were manipulated yet again!  

The rumors are now coming from a more reliable source that JFP’s days are numbered and that when May sweeps hit, we’ll finally get a SWEEP instead of a SLEEP.  

In contrast, rumors that either Angel Boris or Tamara Braun is up for the axe are totally untrue. 

Look, Sweeties, I’m not trying to be a booger about this, but once and for all, at this point, Vanessa Marcil is NOT coming back.  Kimberly McCullough is NOT coming back.  Steve Burton is NOT coming back.  Finola Hughes does NOT want to leave AMC.  

Oh, Drama Queens, stop it, already.  Despite continuing denials from her official website, people are still insisting that “something” is wrong with Rebecca Herbst and Michael Saucedo’s baby.  She’s fine.  Baby is fine.  Let it go.  


My eyes are bleeding from having to watch this clumsy, cumbersome nontriangle between Laura, Leo and Greenlee.  I know that I have to suspend reality.  I have to ignore Rebecca Herbst’s (GH) giant belly and chipmunk cheeks because hey, the woman is 10 months pregnant and the writers chose not to write it in.  No problem.  It comes with the territory.  I have to pretend that I’m not afraid that Giant Tad is going to crush Dixie the Skeleton when they have sex.  I have to ignore the sudden growth syndrome in children as they go off to camp as a child and return as a teen, not to mention the ones who go to the attic and never return (yikes!).  Yes, we overlook a lot, but to believe that Laura is totally back to normal (other than developing SEVERE pain whenever Leo or Greenlee says something she doesn’t like) this soon after having her ribs flailed open and her heart ripped out kind of blows my mind.  Her grasping, clawing, begging and whining would definitely push me away if I was Leo, Greenlee notwithstanding!  She’s so clinging that he wears her like a wetsuit 24/7. 

I”d rather see Ryan, as much as I love him, leave than have a relationship with Mia.  When she kissed him, I was reminded of a Stephen King story called “The Library Policemen” where a librarian sucked the life out of victims through a giant proboscis that protruded from her face.  I shrieked and recoiled in horror, the image burned into my retina for all time.  

AMC will resumed taping on Sept 13th, having paused in light of Tuesday’s events. 

Still no word on the leading AMC guy that’s leaving, but as we know, Gillian is going to be gone for good as of September 26th.  Jessie evidently sticks around for a while, however. 


Although OLTL was going full boat for a while there, it has stalled out in the road and the engine isn’t turning over as far as I am concerned.  There are so many lame stories I could be a harpie about, but I’m wanting to stay positive, so I’m going to talk about the things I've liked and ignore (tra la, tra la) the things I’ve hated.   

The scene where Sam threw Lindsay out into the rain was beyond powerful.  I loved it.  I especially want to see her hit the wall for that smug smile of satisfaction when she drove that hypodermic home that erased Nora’s memory.  HA!  “In the mud, Scum Queen!” (Reference to the movie, “The Man With Two Brains.”) 

The scene where Ben was faking being mentally compromised (see?  Sage can be PC when it’s called for) was very well done.  Now I hear he’s actually going to be checked into St Anne’s to further his checking up on Alison.  

The incredible acting and chemistry between Ellen Bethea and Hillary B. Smith again impress me.  They have always clicked and their dynamics and time has only improved that connection.  Plus, as Rachel, Ellen Bethea is just so doggoned cute.  The cutest little baseball bat killer I’ve ever seen is she.  

There are no reports of anyone affiliated with either AMC or OLTL being injured in the New York tragedy. 

Sounds like recasts may be in the works for both Will (?!) and Al.  Rumors are flying that Michael Tipps has been replaced out and that a new Will may return before long.  Gary Tomlin (Executive Producer of OLTL) states that there will be no recast of the roles of Roseanne or Kelly. 

Rumors are still around that Tonja Walker (ex-Alex) may be returning to exact her vengeance on Asa for exacting his vengeance on her. 

STILL there are rumors of Dorian and Cassie returning, although both actresses who last played the roles claim to have not been approached about a comeback.  *sigh*  More’s the pity.  Silly, silly powers that be.   

Clint Ritchie told Gary Tomlin not only no but HELL no if he was only bringing Clint back as a gratuitous character.  Hats off to Clint for standing up for the character and insisting on an all or nothing deal.  In his own words, he would NOT return in a Dr Larry position.  A Clint return is being considered with a new Clint in the role.  To me, that equals No Clint Return as there is and will always be only ONE Clint Buchanan.  Thusly, Sage has spoken, lovebugs.

Florencia Lozano is TOTALLY disinterested in a return to OLTL, GH (as rumored) or the soap genre at all.  She should become a nun or something.  Wouldn’t she make the cutest little nun ever?  Sister Florencia Theresa or something like that, maybe. 

OK, I tried, I can’t do it.  I’d be a blight upon the entire hair dressing industry and a shame to everyone to ever pick up a comb.  Pssst.  Antonio.  FIX THAT NAPPY HAIR, BOY! 

Till next time, darlings!


September 4, 2001

Loveys!  What a marvelous outpouring of love and welcome I got after the latest column about my familial apprehension  to the land of Health, Peace, Tranquility and No TV.  I’ll answer a few questions first, then get on with the GOSSIP!!!! 

Alice, Amelia and Cam are all doing great.  Baby is growing like a weed and Alice started back to college, so Cam is getting her grammysitting underway.  It’s working well for everyone concerned.  

Mom is defying the doctors at every turn and has made a remarkable recovery.  They did another pictogram or whatever to assess the damage (they were under the impression from the monitor she was wearing full time for a couple of weeks that she’d had a series of smaller heart attacks after returning home) and they were astounded that by all appearances, some of the damage to hear heart had actually reversed.  Since that’s totally impossible by medical standards, they came to the conclusion that the first few sets of X-rays or whatever they used must be faulty and that since they were using their new machine, it was simply giving a better reading.  Mom harrumphed them into the closet and insisted that it was because she refused her medication and took her herbs instead.  They flew all up and down that she wasn’t medicating and she came right back at them and I thought I was going to have to throw cold water on all of them.  Regardless, she has a much better bill of health than when she first left the hospital.  She’s still pretty weak, but she can probably kick my butt if she puts her mind to it.  She keeps trying to get out into the herb garden with me (it’s harvesting time) and I have to whip her back into her chair.  She was finally content to put on a bonnet and sit at the edge of the garden in one of our old metal porch chairs and bark out instructions to me as if I haven’t done this for the post twenty or so years.  She’s still drinking her coffee and iced tea even though the docs tell her the caffeine is bad for her.  She and Ginger got along fine for a change and were glad to have a good visit.  I think Ginger snuck liquor to Mom, which is a big no no.  Mom tends to ripen and rot on the vine when she drinks.  So chalk Mom up to doing great. 


It’s true, it’s true!  No more Gillian. Yes, campers, I’m doing my little happy dance.  If you ever saw, then you know what it looks like.  They should have a sagedance with me boogying in all different directions. 

Sorry.  I really tried the adorable princess routine and I just hate it.  I honor all you devotees who were oozing over the Ryan and Gillian romance, but I didn’t like the insulin injections I had to suffer through in order to watch it.  I’m glad, after weeks of death throes, that it’s finally going to be laid to rest.  Does this have anything to do with the rumor that a major male star is going to leave AMC?  My head says, “Yes, yes, yes” and my heart and eyes beg, “No, no, no.”  I’ll keep you posted. 

This Laura-Leo thing is really just irritating the heck out of me.  She is so pathetic and needy and insecure and Leo is doing his best to give her everything he’s got.  On the other hand, I pretty much want to deck Greenlee for not leaving Leo alone no matter how many times he asks her.  If Leo has any sense, HE will be the one to leave (also sad) just to get out of the mess he’s in!  Greenlee needs to up the ante with Doc Jake and live on the salary of a doctor’s wife.  He’s getting some good aim going with that crutch, so he might be able to make some money building those robotic arms that make your reach hella long like in “Dave” (“I once caught a fish – this big-”)  This whole deal of Laura gasping and wheezing like a bellows and clutching her otherwise miraculously healed chest every time Leo or anyone else starts to say anything she doesn’t like was old about two weeks ago.  If she’s well enough to dance both upright and horizontally, she’s well enough to face the music.  Dancing.  That’s my health-o-meter and she’s dinging the top bell.  (You will note that *I* am dancing – reference above paragraph – therefore, I am healthy – insert giant, toothy smile with one star-shaped sparkle on my right incisor – ping!) 

I haven’t caught up on all of my watching after a week off and somehow managed to get some of the tapes mixed, so bear with me.  I got onto one scene and I couldn’t figure out if I was more riveted by Dixie’s heaving bosoms or Tad’s coconut ones.  I think Tad won out because my mind was telling me that it was interesting that if he had to have breast, they were brown, hairy manbreasts (i.e., the coconuts).  This set me off on the idea of Tad needing a (skip this if you are not a Seinfeld fan) “Manzier” or a “Bro.”  Good to see the two of them cuddly again and wow, what a punch Dixie has!  David Hayward can’t get a break in a china shop with a tiger strapped to his ass!  Ka-POW! 

I was very moved by the scenes between Liza and Adam today and even though the visitation by grown up Colby was hokey and sappy, I ate it right up and sniffed up a tear for Adam.  I was struck yet again by the contrast between Adam and Stuart and realized with some self-trepidation that I seldom think of them as the same actor ever.  

Another one to hate!  Why, I’m not sure, but Mia just gets on my last nerve.  I guess I should admire spunk and a strong, young woman (as opposed to that defenseless petite le fleur that I hate, Rosa), but something about Mia just hits me the wrong way.  I don’t know if it’s those squared off teeth, which I’ve always thought indicated some foul character trait in a woman (sorry for all those truly nice squared off-toothed women out there.  I’m only going by my own experience) or those bushbrows that make me want to rip them out with duct tape and paint new ones on like Divine, but I just can’t look at her one the screen without feeling my bile rise.  I think the first time she REALLY hit me wrong was when she insinuated herself into Liza and Ryan’s private conversation and started grilling Ryan about whether or not he’d slept with Liza when it was none of her beeswax.  It made me even angrier that he started dolling out information like he was on sodium pentathol or something.  

Love that Opal!  “Yew have a burr under yer seddle about my suuun.”  She’s still my favorite.  

Wheerrrrrre’s my Chris and Erica??  I know he’s been busy with Tad and all, but I’m sure La Lucci needs to be driven SOMEWHERE!  Bring’em on!


One Life to SLEEP!!  There have only been two things to wake me up for this show so far.  One is any scene in which Troy takes off his shirt.  Why in heaven’s name he went to the police station with a SHIRT on is beyond me.  There should be a town ordinance that says that as punishment for being Colin’s twin, Troy is never allowed to wear a shirt on the show.  Lovin that Troy!  

I have, however, flushed all the high suited cards in my hands flat into the discard pile where NuSam is concerned.  What the heck is up his butt about Troy?  I just don’t get it!  It’s been proven that he’s NOT Colin.  He even say the little boy pictures, but he still can’t get past the idea that someone else is after his Nora!  I think he needs to go on a lonnnnng vacation and think things through.  He’s seriously in need of some Prozac or something.  

It was a pleasure to see Ellen Bethea as Rachel again.  She always lights up my screen. 

Gimme more Todd, please!  

Katrina told me her theory about Jessica and I’m sure she’ll put it in her column, but she said I could debut it here first.  Remember she was right about Nora killing Colin.  She says that the babies were never mixed up, that Jessica really is Jessica, but Alison Perkins is in cahoots with Natalie, whoever she is and I’m betting she could be Alison’s daughter and Seth, who is rumored to be Mitch Laurence’s son, to get Viki to believe there was a baby switch, getting Natalie into the Lord/Buchanan Web and in line for all the Lord/Buchanan Benefits.  I think it’s all going to be a fraud that Viki falls for, at least for a little while, then Ben will (of course) find out differently and clue her in.  Meanwhile, the alters come out to play (LOVIN that Niki!).  I’m also betting that Asa is going to come through for Ben in a big way with this and they will bond a bit. 

Speaking of Asa, gimme some Nigel, please! 

If you put goofy yellow hair on a brick, it would be smarter than Jessica.  

If Lindsay doesn’t get some serious comeuppance seriously soon, I’m going to fly to New York just to eat the scenery of One Life to Live. 

Tina is coming back?  Um, why?  If she’s not Andrea Evans, then she totally dumb Tina, which I hated.  SPEAKING of returns, if rumors are true and OLTL is courting Ava Haddad, who played Cassie from 1983-86 and again briefly in 1990 to revive the role, I’m going to be in the floor, having uncontrolled seizures.  To paraphrase the Comic Book Guy on The Simpsons:

comicbookguy.jpg (36695 bytes)
Click me, Baby

If she don’t come back as Laura Koffman, the woman who was totally screwed into a two-by-four with a spoon by OLTL, she don’t come back at all! 

SPEAKING of returns (still), DON’T TEASE SAGE with those pesky, persistent rumors of a Robin Strasser return unless you mean it!!  One does NOT tease about something so serious as the Goddess of Daytime coming back to the role that she was born to play!  It’s just…uncivilized. 


OK, I’m interested.  OK, I’m intrigued.  Let’s face it, I’m totally glued to the screen whenever Stavros, Helena and Stefan are on in any configuration.  I am totally absorbed by the Cassadines!  I’m worried since it appears Stephen Nichols is being seriously courted by ATWT for a reunion with his favorite leading lady, Mary Beth Evans and since The Idiots In Charge at GH don’t have a CLUE what good talent is, they are going to be stupid and let this guy get away.  I totally HATE how all of the GH greats are now being used as supporting staff to the lame-assed models that have been hired to play in the now “lead” roles.  GONE are the days that characters were slowly integrated into the fray with them joining the cast instead of the cast joining them.  A recast or a newcomer could blend into the background, catching a few scenes here and there until they found their feet in the role instead of having to be perfect right in front of us and make both us and them suffer through their inevitable ineptitude.  WHY these little newbies who can’t act their way out of a paper bag and were selected from the roles of Models, Inc are being thrust into these major stories has me totally baffled and insulted as a viewer.  I spit upon those who have started this trend (spit, spit, ptthhtt, ptthhtt).  Bedamned they all to the depths of a special hell where they must watch Jessie, Dr Steve, Robert Scorpio, V, Sean, Mary Mae, the first Justus, Damian Smith and Tiffany acting their little hearts out, over and over, until the FINALLY GET WHAT WE’RE ALL TALKING ABOUT!!  TALENT!  That’s all we want!  TALENT!  Not looks!  We don’t give a DAMN if they would be rented a condo in Melrose Place!  Just give us some people who can ACT and hold their own in a scene with their “supporting cast,” the talented VETS! 

You know what, the more I think about it, the more I realize that that’s all I have to say about GH, except that I am still choking back sobs from the death of my Chloe.  I really, really liked her, but of course, if there is someone who is a truly good person on the show who isn’t in a wheel chair or MELISSA, then they must be done away with in a truly brutal and heartless manner.  This show is really starting to piss me off.  >:< 

On a happier note, the rumors persist that by next spring, we may have a whole new top floor, so let’s just hold on and see what happens! 

Mac, you’ve just got to change out of that nappy little turtle neck.


September 4, 2001

DARLINGS!!  I have been kidnapped away from my keyboard for a WEEK!!  Can you believe it!  I was in for the shock of my LIFE. 

So here’s what happened!  On Sunday afternoon, I’m guessing that would be the 26th and can’t see my little Anne Geddes calendar from her without pulling a muscle or something, I was hanging out at home doing some work in the garden and Kye comes over and tell me that she wants me to shower and dress up, we’re going out to lunch.  I had already worked up an appetite putzing around in the dirt, so I figured that sounded pretty good, so I washed all the special bits, raked my head, slammed on my hat and checked in with ma.  She was in really good spirits and seemed to think she could handle an hour or so on her own, plus she had all over her little panic buttons and such, so it would be fairly safe.  I was still a bit apprehensive about leaving her, but everyone was pretty gung ho on it, so I took a chance (fool!).  I’m figuring we’re going to my fave in town, Applebee’s, over on Nut Tree, but NOOOOO, she just keeps on driving and grinning like a baboon.  As it turns out, she took me to a HEALTH SPA just up north of San Francisco!  I was…agog.  I mean, here I was with dirt under my fingernails still (I know, but I really wanted that Applebee’s grilled chicken sammy) and my hair all greasy under my hat and I’m in the lap of luxury!  When I said something, she kind of sniped at me, “I TOLD you to shower, stinkmage,” so I stuck my tongue out at her and asked her what I was supposed to do for CLOTHES since I was wearing my denim shorts and my Pearl Jam concert tee and that wasn’t exactly frou frou clothes for schlepping with the rich folks.  I figured, oh well, we’d be back that night, all relaxed from massages or seaweed wraps or whatever she had planned beyond lunching on birdseed and drinking wheat grass juice (yech!).  Kye popped open the trunk and there was my big, black Duckhead bag, packed to popping with my clothes.  (??!!)  She then went in and checked me in to the spa and I spent the whole week there!  It was beyond belief.  As it turns out (get your “awwwwwww” buttons revved up for the pushin’, Sweet Peas), all the girls and mom chipped in on a little vacation for me for taking care of mom, something I would have done anyway.  Isn’t it so great when you’re doing something you love doing and get perks as well?  Kye had told the other girls that I was getting “an edge to my voice” (what?) and that I needed a break from momsitting, so Ginger took leave from her job and came over to be with mom and Kye monitored them during the week to make sure Ginger didn’t get all uppity about it.  ANYway, enough about those guys, back to ME!  : Þ   

I spent from Sunday afternoon until Friday afternoon being massaged, seaweed wrapped, aromatherapied, steamed, smudged, blessed, fed (They actually had a gourmet chef on staff who knew what she was doing!  Yowzer!), music’ed (lots of Ravi Shenkar-type sitar jam),  chakra cleared, meditated, tea’d, tweezed, trimmed, paraffined, colonic’d and, believe it or not, CHASTISED!!  That’s right, I was SMITED by this horrid, health spa Gestapo woman.  There were three things missing from this place that I wanted desperately to have:  Internet, Phone and TV.  It’s supposed to be some great escape for business freaks, but for me, it was torture, this part anyway.  Along about day 4, I was losing my mind for SOME form of media contact.  I was going for a walk on one of the nature trails to try and distract myself from wondering if Alexis had found out about Kristina yet or if Angel had blown the lid off on why she wears white, when, as walking around the aviary, I saw a familiar, reflective glow in one corner of the bird house.  I went in and poked around to find a hippie looking girl huddled over a tiny, personal-type TV!!!  I practically snatched it from her!  “Please,” I gasped.  “Please let me see.”  She looked at me with tears welling up in her eyes and tilted it so that I could see too.  It was an episode of The View that I had seen months before, but it was manna from heaven.  We watched gleefully, never minding the bird plops that were tinkling down around us.  I was so excited to see the Swifter Wet commercial where the business man cleans the restaurant floor.  We smiled at one another through our tears.  The View went off and local news was coming on (They caught the guy who knifed his family!  Awesome!).  “WHAT is THAT?”  We heard this shriek behind us and turned to see one of the Health Spa Matrons of the Brunhilde variety standing just over our shoulders, so close that we could feel the fire of her breath and splatter of her spittle on our necks.  We’d been so distracted by the tiny screen that we hadn’t heard her come in and CERTAINLY we, or at least *I*, had not been indoctrinated upon arrival that such luxuries were forbidden, just not easily accessible.  This woman or shemale or whatever she was (I couldn’t kept the Kenny Rogers line out of my head, “Her big hands were calloused, she looked like a mountain, for a minute I thought I was dead.”) was SEETHING at us.  She snatched the TV away like we’d been caught smoking behind the woodshed and growled, “WHERE did you get THIS??”  She was working like mad to knock the batteries out of it, not being particularly mindful of the idea that she might, I dunno, BREAK IT???  My little waif TV friend was starting to cry and I said, “It’s hers.  Do you have a PROBLEM with that?”  I was feeling peckish after days with no TV, only to have it snatched away by Nurse LargeWoman here.  She started raging about how the radiation from the TV would upset the birds in the aviary and that the sound of the TV was carrying to the “Greet the Day” meditation over on the knoll.  I was surprised first that they were still greeting the day so late in the morning and secondly, that the sound had carried when I couldn’t even hear it outside the aviary when I’d been walking.  I only had seen the glow.  Mack Truck Woman wasn’t hearing ANY of that and hustled us out of the Aviary and BANNED US FROM THE BIRDS!  She said we had not shown respect for the birds by bringing the irritating TV waves into their home and therefore, could NOT return for the duration of our stay!  Hippie Girl and I gave up and slunk back to our rooms and I didn’t come out for the rest of the day.  I ordered my meals in and sulked, especially from 12-3.  I ordered extra food and pigged out, then got into the Jacuzzi tub until I was pruney. 

Speaking of the food, it was like a cruise, if you’ve ever been on one, where all of your massages and food and niceties are included with your price.  I don’t want to THINK about what the girls paid for this because I caught a glimpse of the TWO DAY prices and about threw up my spleen.  Regardless, I was grateful.  Despite my day of pout, I had a wonderful time and Kye showed up on Friday evening to haul me home.  I wondered all the way home what I would be coming home TO and it was a mixed bag.  It was great to see home again, especially considering what a hermit I am, but something had gone wacky with cable and it had been out for a few days.  Mom and Ginger hadn’t pooled their IQ’s to call the cable company and it turned out that the cable box just needed to be reset.  Mom said she’d dropped it over the back at one point and it had gone out after that (Thank GOD our wonderful cable company has 24 hour customer service for desperate people like myself.  I would have DIED to have gone the weekend without TV!)  Cablewoman just did some remote adjusting and it was a go.  Of course, this meant that NOTHING HAD BEEN RECORDED FOR ME, but fortunately, one of my clients had recorded the week’s shows and I spent the long weekend trying without success to get caught up enough to write a civil column.  I’m having to reconnect on my contacts to get any degree of gossip for you guys (it’s dead as a doornail out there, but there are a few goodies!).  That should be up by tomorrow if all goes well. 

Anyway, I just wanted to stop in long enough to tell you where I’d gotten off to cause I know how my sweeties worry about me.  The good stuff will be up shortly.  Mom is being kind of clingy after me being gone all week and I’m a week backed up on getting my clients all purdy again.  A week without Sage and suddenly they all look like Bride of Frankenstein.  If all is well and the planets are aligned correctly, you’ll hear from me soon!

August 24, 2001  9pm


HA!  I’m cracking up!  A glorious woman wrote to let me know about a rumor floating around out there that I simply had to address.  She wrote to ask if it was true that Jacob Young and Coltin Scott were having and affair.  She also mentioned something I’d not heard before about JY having a fling with someone on B&B when he was there.  OK, needless to say, I’m not in a direct position to know WHAT these guys are up to in the inbetweens, but I must say, that there are two things at which I am absolutely infallible.  One is knowing what haircut goes on what head (and no, no, no, Ingo, the gladiator look is so very NOT you, darling) AND my flawless gay-dar, bi-dar and homophobidar.  These two are not even registering on the METER for me.  Of course, there are a few on our shows who ARE and I’m not in the business of being Mr run-‘em-outta-the-closet-before-they-scare-the-mice, so I won’t say who, but I will say it ain’t CS and JY.  This is all aside from how JY tried to grab our Abbie’s ass at the GH Fan Event and CS was totally checking her out AND had a fab girlfriend (I have all of these on authority from a variety of sources).  So ixnay on the aygay umorrays for CS and JY! 

Might Constance Towers just get her wish after all and end up with Helena asking Stefan for help in controlling Stavros?  Looks like it’s a real possibility. 

Word from Wendy over at is that Elton has been taping again and will have a few scenes coming up!  His moments with Stavros were the best thing I’ve seen on GH in forever! 

No, let’s move on to another topic.  Vanessa Marcil is NOT coming back as Brenda.  Not, not, not.  Well, probably not.  Never say never.  She’s happy working on nonsoap venues and plans to keep it up. 

Many have written to ask about Tristan Rogers’ return and as far as I can sift through, it’s still on for the last few moments of the November sweeps, so stay tuned!  Finola Hughes is making noises about staying with AMC, so Anna’s stint with the show might not be for very long, throwing a big wet blanket on the reunion, but if AMC speculation is true, Ryan LAVERY may actually be related to DUKE Lavery who may be the Duke mentioned in the mysterious phone call that took Alex and Dimitri away.  The story could possibly play out that Anna learns Duke is alive and ends up with him (ANYthing to see Ian Buchanan again!).  Foul!!  That would ONLY be fair if Holly is also alive and can come back with Robert.  

Genie Francis is back the first week of September, so Tony Geary shouldn’t be far behind! 

Someone mentioned the idea that Bobbie has actually gone to get Michael and Leticia and bring them back, heralding their return next week in new actors’ form.  No doubt the new Michael will make a wonderful peer for cousin Lucas. 

To my knowledge, the rumors about Jackie Zeman refusing to work until JFP is gone are rubbish.  More like JFP refuses to work her until JFP is gone.  JZ has seen many honchos come and go and is more than flexible about riding out the storm, but it HAS to hurt to go from front and center to not even back burner, but more of leftovers cooling and turning green in the fridge.  It’s as though Bobbie’s worst fears about Melissa materialized not only on screen, but in actorville as well as Jensen Buchanan took over every scene on the show.  


As usual, a very blah set of good-byes for Will and Kelly so far.  Does anyone ever get killed off (except Colin) or leave through some tragedy on this show?  Do they ever get an interesting send off? 

Supposedly, a familiar male face is going to be paying a visit to Llanview for the fall sweeps.  What *sigh* I wouldn’t give for it to be John Lopreino as Cord or Clint Richie as Clint!  If it’s as boring and Joey or Kevin, I may pick my eyes out with an olive fork. 

There are STILL rumors flying around about my GODDESS OF DAYTIME, Robin Strasser, returning as Dorian.  PLEASE (picture Sage pulling on pantlegs and dress hems, sobbing and snotting), OH PLEASE let it be so!!  Gary wants it!  Robin wants it!  I want it!  Do it!  OK.  Don’t just stand there…DO IT!! 

If you listen to Brandon Routh who plays Seth, Seth isn’t really bad, he’s just drawn that way.  ANYway. 


Is Leo really finished with Laura?  Rumors of a du Pres break up long before anyone expected are flying about.  

Of course, there is the big rumor about a leading man on his way out.  Ryan? 

Just how WILL Gabriel be written off?  Will Anna send him out of the country for his own protection?  Zzzzzzz 

Yes, it looks like Brooke and Edmund are a done deal.  I never did like those two together. 

Yep, Finola Hughes wants to stay, so the trip to Port Charles to get with husband, Robert, might just be temporary.  Maybe the Duke that Alex and Dimi went to find is the reason she stays. 

Catch all of you later!


August 24, 2001  11:45am

Enough already of that slovenly Live Journal!  I love the format and understand they they are having troubles, but I miss my darlings and have asked Katrina to take me back to my old format that she, the poor sweetheart, has to post for me.  Fortunately, the little precious lives on the computer 24/7, juggling dem babies and cleaning house by remote, so she's pretty quick about posting for me.  I've brought the last post forward to get us started and a new one will be up soon!  

I am going to miss, miss, MISS the comments function that allows all of you to comments on my column  :(  But you'll have to write to me lots to make up for it!



21 Aug 2001, 12:49pm

Just finished watching Liza and Ryan move into yet another kiss after she gave him her mother's angel. Alleged response from Marcy Walker upon hearing reading the script where Ryan and Liza make out, "YESyesyesyesyesyesyesyesYES!!

YES!! (Performed ritual victory dance)

OH YES!! YESyesyesyes YES!! I LOVE THIS JOB!!!"


(*I* love the porn music they played for Liza and Ryan's make out session today!)



Hello my dear net friends and, well, those evil ones of you as well. (harrumph - Sage crosses his arms over his chest and frowns most fiercely). It has been a little while since I brought you up to speed on what's happening in Sageland, so I'm popping in to catch you up. If you're checking in for the soap gossip, I don't have any really right now, unfortunately, but I will be sure and post some soon, along with my take on the shows.

First off, many of you have asked to see more pics of Amelia The Beautiful, so here are a few:  

Click Here to See Amelia!!!

Cam, Alice and the baby have gone back to Texas now and the house is super quiet. Amelia got a little jaundiced, but mom is Ms Holistic and knew to sun her a couple of times a day and get her to nurse bunches and she was pink again in no time. Mom is so well versed in natural healing (which is why all this Western Medicine Pharmaceutical Crap she's taking is really upsetting her) that she never ceases to amaze me. Her recent brush with the other side has really left me wondering what in the world we will all do without her! When Dad died, I was still a baby, so she and the girls are really all I've ever known. I can't imagine a life without her here!

She's doing really, really well, mostly due to her strong constitution. She says she just wasn't ready to go yet and has told us a wonderful story about how she bartered with Death to be able to return and in the end, Death skulked off, shaking a fist and vowing to return. Whether she made it up for our benefit, thinks it happened or it really did happen is irrelevant. It was a great story. ;) She claims that she still has another twenty years left in her and knows exactly how and when she will die. She has said this for years and so it really kind of took us by surprise when we came so close to losing her. Even though her health had been on the fritz a bit lately, it never really dawned on us that she could actually go! I tell you, the dawning comes really fast when you hear that damned machine flatline in midconversation! Go hug your mother! Do it now!!

We keep catching her trying to pare down her meds, so we have to make sure she's taking all she's supposed to. She says it makes her unfocused and shaky. I tell her being in her 70's makes her unfocused and shaky and she just snarls at me and barks and pulls at her chain. (Just kidding about that part, but I DID say the 70's thing - snick). She is still too weak to come downstairs and watch the shows with me in the living room like we used to, so I go up with her and take her lunch and a martini (she's had a martini at lunch every day for as long as I can remember - she started using three olives like Katherine Bell at one point and decided it was dumb because she hates olives and stopped) and we watch them together on her little black and white set. She starts to get pretty tired around General Hospital time, so I usually end up watching the last of it alone while she naps. I'd pay big money for her to wake up some day and find RKK or Stephen Nichols giving her a foot massage (she's probably have another heart attack). Hell, I'd pay big money for ME to wake up to the same thing! ;)

The sisters have been a big help, especially Kye who comes over whenever her hubby is around to take the girls. Ginger kept pushing for me to get out of the house, but really, I don't have anywhere to go! I've cut out almost all of the salon appointments because I don't want hoards of people coming by and waking mom. I only do private clientele, but I have a full schedule most afternoons and nights (Sage does NOT do mornings! No, no, no!) I should be able to go back to work in a week or so if she keeps improving as she is. I'm not a club person and other than the clients, I don't really see many people. I've always been a bit of a hermit and I found it to be even more so as I've gotten older. I get really uncomfortable around the population at large and tend to avoid crowds. The part of California where we live is very green and earthy, so I take long walks to breathe the air and get some negative ions from the stream behind our house. Even as a child, I never went out much. Mom and the girls home schooled me until I was in high school and then I went to public schools, which SUCKED out loud. I was really struck by what bafoons most of the people were and the names they called and the way they acted. Really, no class at all. I found a few friends, most of whom I still have good contact with, and we worked hard to disappear into the walls until we graduated.

The internet was fun because I could socialize without leaving the house. I say WAS fun because I'm a little soured on it as of late. I love all my dear darlings to DEATH, but I was totally unprepared for the dark side of being an ABC soap columnist. I thought what would happen is that I would have a little column where I yakked to my net pals (that'd be you folks) about what's going on with the soaps, who's saying what, who's thinking what, what could happen, what will happen and such and it'd be like girlfriends yammering over liquor and cookies, kind of like me and mom. In fact, I thought of it as being like me and mom times a thousand. It was SOOOO fun hearing from everyone and getting so much e-mail and bantering with all of you, then HE came along. HE being (drum roll please) Evil, evil Maurice Benard. Well, really, I don't know that Maurice Benard is evil, although I wouldn't want to be on his bad side when that bi-polar stuff started kicking in. The situation was evil because I called up my cousin (I won't say who or where, because then some of you will be bugging the crap out of him, plus, he could get fired for telling me what he does) who works on the GH set and said, "Doll, what can you tell me about this whole MB walk out biz?" He checked it out and got back to me and every time he has told me something, it's turned out to be RIGHT. Then Katrina got with her new source that she hooked up with at the luncheon and babam! I put out the MB info. I was TOTALLY unprepared for the wild scrutiny that came out in force! People questioning my reliability, slamming me on message boards (One HAG had the gall to say, "He's fun to read, but I heard not to take him seriously." ??!! Someone ELSE said that I was not RELIABLE!!), and freaking out because my sweet Aida and Laura Gedstern took an opposite stance on the situation!! I was…agog. I had no clue it would ever be brutal. THEN it seemed like it just kept getting deeper. I posted a thingy saying that I knew they had printed something different, but I had other sources and blah blah blah and then I got ANOTHER wave, this one thinking I was discrediting Laura! Whoa! For a little boy who was raised in a Never Never Land of almost zero negativity (except for *that* time of the month around all those wimmin), it was a real shock! Katrina apologized and said she should have better prepared me (damn straight, she should have!!), but I can't blame her. With all the crap I see of people attacking one another on the message boards, I should have figured it would happen. Anyway, I'm just glad that's all in the past and I am going to cringe from now on any time some MB info comes my way. Now he's doing his usual retraction after the fact crap and trying to make us all look like morons. ANYway.

So mom's getting better, the evil and nasty letter writers and posters seem to be temporarily quiet and I'm going to do my best to dig up some dirt during this oddly quiet time. There's not much around on ANY of the three shows I've found!

Also, after a deep conference with Gedstern the other day, I want to tell everyone to be VERY careful of what you take as fact when you are hearing those rumors fly around. Basically, if it sounds like psychotic BS when you read it on a message board or where ever, it probably is, so don't waste your time puzzling whether or not it's true. PLEASE keep your head on straight and remember that everything you hear, until it comes from ABC (read: God's mouth), is gossip, plain and simple. Sometimes it happens, sometimes it doesn't. There is a big wave of negativity out there that WANTS THEIR WAY, dammit and they aren't happy until they have pulled every dirty trick in the book to get it. I can understand wanting things to change, but this whole militia mentality of burning JFP at the stake (that'd be the GH executive producer) is really weirding me out. I love my GH, but lord, it's just a SHOW, for crying out loud! Eat a few valium, get some sleep, comb your hair, lovey, wash your face, put on your eyebrows and whatever else suffices for your make up and CALM DOWN!! Just kick back and relax and talk with me about the shows as though they really are a fictional town with fictional characters. (Sweet pea, obviously if your hair is already nicely coiffed, you have your eyebrows and you are well filled with valium, I'm not talking to you. I'm only advising those out there who have decided that this is a big CAUSE to rule their life and scrutinize every word anyone says about it rather than having some perspective) When we start taking this all so seriously and it suddenly because Life'sWork instead of entertainment, all of the joy goes out of it. I'll always do my best to give you just the good stuff, but honey, if I have to censor and double check and beat my tidbits to death before I give them to the world for fear that I might get some minor part wrong and be crucified for it by the frothing-mouthed, rabid freak fans, then I'm just not having any fun any more! I want to just talk freely, tell you what I've heard and laugh about it. If that makes me unreliable, then so be it. That's why this is a GOSSIP column and not ABC HEADLINE NEWS!

I'm back to myself again after putting on the armor and going to battle and I will tell you flat out, I'm NOT going into those trenches again. As it says on my intro page, Sage is a lover, not a fighter and I, the peaceful warrior, refuse to play those evil little games again.

I've got to go sit and chant about "all is peace and love" for a few hours, so I'll leave you to your evening, whatever that might be.

Once again I'm…

Feelin' the Love,



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