December 14, 2004
Peacefulness... Yep, that is the goal, isn't it? Whether we are in quiet repose or pleasant excitement, we just want to be peaceful with what is happening in our world.
Right now, even with joyful things happening, I am having trouble finding the peace. There have been some discouraging events since the wonderful flow of last week. The Wheel turns and you have to take the good with the challenging. Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional. Let's add one other platitude to the lot: When it rains, boy does it pour!
First, my book was not only rejected, but was rejected with a form letter that started "Dear Writer" and was kind of old and faded. I know all of the feel good suggestions about sending it to more publishers and how the greatest books were rejected 500 times and blah, blah, blah. The publisher I sent it to is a voracious whore of a company that mass publishes hundreds of books a year, some of which are complete crap. I sent it to them first, thinking I was hedging my bets. Talk about ego, I was actually a little surprised by the rejection. It was definitely an owie, but one from which I will recover. I've been rejected before.
In the same pile of mail, I got a notice from the IRS Disclosure Unit that said they could not help me look for Jeff Fox (Joe's biological dad) because I don't have his social security number. Funny how I didn't remember that after 27 years, not that I ever knew it. I was 15 and collecting someone's vital numerology wasn't a priority of mine.
The broker working our refi told us that our house has to appraise as high over $300,000 (not much for California) as possible for a refi to work. That's not completely impossible, but it will be close since it appraised out at $230,000 in April of this year. Houses in Sacramento are pulling equity at around $10,000 a month. Our neighbor's house gained just over $100,000 since last October, so that isn't too far off. The broker is talking to her appraiser to do some homework before we actually pay for the appraisal. They are going to evaluate the square footage, age of the house and amount of property and try to make an educated guess of how it is going to go before we lay out the money for the appraisal. She was supposed to call me back this morning and I haven't heard from her yet (4:15pm). What seemed like a sure thing is looking shaky and it is really quite cut and dried. If we get the refi, we live, if we don't get the refi, we're screwed (quickly, oh so quickly).
I solved the one thing I could solve quickly and called the broker who hasn't heard back from the appraiser yet. She does, however, need another form filled out and copies of all of the checks sent for the 2nd note on the house. Sounds easy except that we don't get copies of our checks and until about a month ago, didn't have duplicate checks, so that means I have to locate months worth of bank statements which, in theory, should be *around*. I wish I was a more anally retentive Virgo in the sense of keeping shit.
Eric insisted that we pay our house payment on time (perfect sense, I know), which resulted in some intense budget shuffling and left me not able to get Christmas until Friday and Saturday, which would normally be OK except that you must remember that our Christmas D Day is Sunday, the closest weekend to Winter Solstice. That means I have a week less shopping time than you guys do. So I am essentially doing my Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve and the night before. No pressure there, right?
My fire is giving me bullshit because there is moisture in the wood from the recent rains, even though the wood was covered.
My house is just a mess and my motivation is at about zero. The "just do it" premise definitely applies unless one of you good people engages me in stimulating conversation as soon as I finish this column and before I can legitimately get out of this chair.
I need to do my Christmas cooking: divinity, peanut butter fudge, chocolate fudge, potato candy, rice krispie candy and molasses popcorn balls. The kids want to make tree ornaments with their pictures for their family members. I need to put Joe and Sandra's box of goodies together to send to Canada (late there too).
There were other more personal challenges that need not be discussed, but absolutely wore me out emotionally. Today and yesterday, mostly, were just rough.
I feel overwhelmed and there's no real reason I should. Any of these events, singularly, aren't all that significant. Combined, it was like being beaten to shit by a band of rabid spider monkeys. I think I am just not getting enough down time or something. Everywhere I turn, it feels like there is some crisis to solve, some drama to disassemble, some fire to put out. I am just weary as all hell, tired as a one-legged man in a butt kicking contest. Remember those plate spinners on the Ed Sullivan show? That's me. Trying to keep everything in the air.
Sometimes, I just want to step back and let it all crash to the ground.
I am not as depressed as I sound (I don't think). I feel peaceful (the B-12, I think) and able to follow the flow of whatever happens. It would be a lovely blessing to find out now that everything is going to be OK, to have time to relax before the 11th hour, 59th minute. Go to the mailbox, find a check for $10,000 and have it be real. Get the call about the refi and hear excellent news.
As you know, I've had some wonderful news between the weird loan being forgiven and learning Dylan can start school January 3rd. Is it greedy to want more? To want everything to be OK?
I miss my friends. It feels like forever since I have seen any of them. I miss my home and my family, what's left of it. I miss my Mom, who loved Christmas and kept its spirit like no other person ever could.
David found out that his perfect job is only going to last for a couple more weeks rather than 6 months as it was advertised. My daughter-in-law found out that her mother has cancer and is having surgery the week they were going to Disneyland. Changing their flights is going to cost them $420.
Saturday night, my friend, Dena, burned my blender down. The next day, I blew up my pressure pan by not reducing the heat fast enough. It was a sight to behold. The entire kitchen was drenched. Dena felt better knowing I destroyed a kitchen appliance as well. I've been using pressure pans for 30 years and have never had that happen. The toaster scares me a little now.
Eric is working very late tonight. I miss him but thank Goddess for overtime. Plus more time to clean.
I need to get laid in a profound way. I never knew a person could *need* to get laid until I turned 40 and all kinds of hormonal hell broke out. Like the pressure pan, it is a sight to behold (it does not, however, smoke like that burning blender did).
The good news is that this week and last, I have worked out every weekday. This week, I am doing Body Flexing and I can really, really feel it. There's little mystery why it works so well. Lots and lots of oxygen saturation meets some intense isometrics and many, many strong tummy and bottom tucks. I completely believe it in and felt ready to get back into it again. My butt is definitely sore! I still haven't had cravings, which is nice, but I am short on proteins until we get some groceries on Saturday. I've been eating good foods and supplementing with the proteins I have (eggs, mostly). Last night, Eric grilled burgers, so I had mine on one piece of bread, cut in half. For my chicken pot pie, I used real pie crust (frozen) instead of the biscuit top and only used half of what went on one piece, so I got veggies, meat, no-carb gravy and a tiny bit of crust.
The B-12 I take faithfully. It works so well to give me energy and help me feel grounded. I will forever sing its praises. I have been having trouble sleeping and I don't think I'd make it without the B-12. Goooood stuff, Maynard.
Ah, praise the lord and lady. Someone has IM'd me and saved me from cleaning this joint.
Peaceful... I'm getting there. One moment at a time... one challenge at a time.
Shit, my friend signed off. I'm obligated now.
Think good thoughts about the house refinancing, please. We need all the good energy on this that we can get.
Tomorrow certainly is another day. Maybe if I clean like mad today, I can wake up to a brighter world. Energy brings energy. Light brings light. Joy begats joy.
I wish I had some chicken alfredo and bread sticks from Olive Garden or a pollo fundito from Garcia's. Even a big bowl of soup from Black Angus. For better or worse, food still = comfort.
Peace and Love to you,
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