December 6, 2004
When it's damp out, the fire always gives me crap, which is the worst time it should give me crap because it's the best time to have a fire. I guess the moisture settles into the wood or something.
Why do we even bother to predict the weather when we do such an all around shitty job of it? This snow storm has been harped about for a week now, supposed to hit on Saturday night, but all we have are heavy grey skies and misty rains. It's hanging around 35 degrees (but weather.com assures me it feels like 26 and I tend to agree.
It smells so fresh and clean outside. I'm using the energy and power of that smell to fuel my own quest to clean myself out and get a fresh start.
It's going very well. This is day two of operation life change. I'm on seriously reduced carbs, almost Atkins induction worthy (actually, it probably is) and the cravings have already left. This time last week, hell, on Friday even, I had my head buried in a bag of Lays (I have the brand new zits to prove it) and was power eating everything in sight. It was compulsive and actually a little scary.
Today and yesterday have been deceptively easy. I woke up ready to do it, no regrets, no longings and really, no cravings. I'm taking the B-12 every day, the Remifemin and the Ultimate Cleanse. I have been doing the "Walk Away the Pounds" DVD every day (well, for 2 days). Yesterday, I did the one mile work out and didn't really feel much, despite the cans of green beans I employed as hand weights (seeings as how I didn't have their little Walk Away the Pounds blue ball weights). Today, I did the two mile walk and got a lot more out of it. I have a problem with video workouts because I get so tired of hearing the same comments over and over every day. I hope I can stick with it. I may need to mix it up with the treadmill and the Suzanne Deason "Yoga For Weight Loss" video.
I feel very good, very present, very grounded. I need to remember that I feel this good and do the things it takes to stay here. One day at a time, right? One choice and one bite and one step at a time.
I had such an amazing surprise on Thanksgiving when I was doing Tarot readings for the couple who were visiting for the day. I'd never met them, although Eric knows them quite well. He works with Bill and knows Liz well from visiting their home several times.
As we were moving through the readings, somehow, it came up between the two of them and Delena, who was also in on the readings, that I am intimidating. WTF???
I was aghast. I consider myself to be many things, but intimidating isn't really one of them. I kind of got a rush from it, sort of like a person who doesn't consider themselves to be sexy who are suddenly told they are. Intimidating? I always saw myself as this gentle, welcoming, approachable Earth Mother who was all loving... kind of a soft place to fall. it was oddly exhilarating that someone considered me to be intimidating, but it was also uncomfortable because of it being the complete opposite of how I see myself. I also always prided myself with knowing ME well and being in tune with how I am perceived.
I asked Delena in the moment and she said, "Pfft, YEAH!" I asked my coven the next night and they fumbled around and talked a good bit and basically said, "well, yeah, sort of." I asked Sherry Mercurio and she was very sweet, talking about different definitions of "intimidating" and how sometimes people who are self-assured are intimidating to those who aren't. Intimidating? I'm still agog.
Is this not the coolest, oddest picture? I'm kinda diggin on it. I found it here. ["I myself am the strange and unusual." ...Lydia Deets, Beetlejuice]
UPDATE YOUR JOURNALS, DAMMIT! All of my friends have lives and we both know they have more to do than entertain me. I'm feeling the isolation on this mountain top today. Nap? Clean house? Laundry?
Laundry still looms and I guess wins that lottery of energy and time, so I should abandon my escapism on the net and *do the right thing.* I've written away most of the day...
Peace, Love & Joy,
December 5, 2004
Up late, late being almost 9:30. It's been forever since I stayed up this late on a non-coven night. By 8:30, I'm starting to get tired, so I stumble upstairs and watch a little TV before going to sleep around 9 or so. On nights like tonight, if I'm up until 10 and beyond, I tend to ripen and rot on the vine. There are very few mornings when I don't get up at 5:30. For some reason, Nathan's internal alarm is set to 5:30 and he's open for business. He's still not old enough to be left to his own devices and since I am by nature more of a morning person than Eric, I tend to slip out bed without him even stirring.
Sometimes, I drowse on the couch for a while, staying available in case Nathan needs anything, but kind of half in and half out. Since the time I was first a single mom from 1991-1994, I can go from sleep to awake in the blink of an eye if I need to. Once the sun comes up, around 7am here, I am awake for the day.
Eric threw his back out yesterday. I was in town, hurrying through groceries and he moved the cast iron wood burning stove out into the yard to clean it and the chimney. In the process, he pulled a place on his back that he originally hurt right after he got out of the military. He has to baby it, he didn't and so he was on a heating pad yesterday and today. I haven't seen much of him. Mostly, I cleaned house, did laundry, and watched kids while he recovered. He seems better tonight and has already turned in for sleep. I am down to one more load to go into the washer and about 10 total to fold and put away when all is said and done. That's the part I hate most, the folding, putting away and putting on hangers. This one is going to be a particular bear because I have to go through my closet and pack a bunch of stuff away for the winter. I also have to pull out some of my sweaters from storage to hang up.
I am watching a movie on ABC called, "The Five People You Meet in Heaven" and it is just wonderful. I love good entertainment. I just don't and likely can't get enough of it. This particular offering is perfect. I earned it. Today I sat through two showings of "Scary Movie 3," which was quite funny the first time, which was in a theater in Sacramento with Joe last year. The second and third times it is pretty much done. Delena loved it though, having seen all the movies it spoofed, but not it. Also got the last half of "Peter Pan," which inspired me to create a column (some day) where I discuss children's stories like Peter Pan and The Cat in the Hat as psychological allegory.
Today is my last day as a fat person. Tomorrow, I might still look fat, but I'll actually be a slender, healthy person (not thin, I'll never be thin and have no desire to be thin, just someone who isn't immediately perceived as fat) in the making. It snuck up on me, this whole process of being ready. At first, as I mentioned in my last entry, it was just the thought that I should do it, but as I wore that idea for a while, it really took on a life of its own and became more and more right. At my request, Joe sent me a copy of "Walk Away the Pounds," which I have heard from many sources is fun and effective. I have the other tools too, the treadmill, the exercise bike, exercise ball and resistance tubes. The Insulin Resistance diet is what seems to work best for me, using a protein base with balanced complex carbohydrates. It keeps me from feeling deprived, but also gets rid of the cravings for the foods I really don't need in my life.
Tonight, I was thinking about what I wanted my last night of eating as a fat person to involve. I had a big salad for dinner (go figure), then tonight after Eric went out to bed, I noticed a giant bag of tortilla chips from our favorite Mexican restaurant (we had gift certificates - the last time we ordered carry out from them, poor Eric ordered fajitas, got alll the way up the mountain only to find they forgot the tortillas! He called them up, informing him that he was 40 minutes from the nearest tortillas, invited them to fax him some and they sent him gift certificates instead) and a little styrofoam container of their refried beans. There sat my indulgence. I put the chips in the microwave for a while, heated up the beans and they were lovely together with a glass of Diet Rite on ice.
When I went to the grocery store on Saturday, I stocked up on good foods, so I am ready to get this project underway. I picked up some B-12 (got tired of waiting on the ones coming in the mail) to give me a little more pep. Tomorrow will likely be hard and maybe for a couple of days after that, but this time, instead of balking, I have to just keep going. I don't know why I tend to turn around and run back to the safety and comfort of food. I have been through all of the psychological analysis of it and the best thing I can come up with is that it's easier than the alternative. I think I just get tired of the effort and figure that when the choice comes, I might as well choose what's easiest and most fun. Now, I've determined that rather than letting me stay the same (which was almost a "no harm, no foul" situation), this behavior is actually making me fatter, which just isn't going to work. I need for this to be my peak for a lot of reasons. From here on out, it has to get better and better instead of worse and worse.
I've already changed my life inside. Now I have to do the work outside to reflect that change.
Look at what a good movie can do. It's almost 10:30 and I am still awake. I'm tired, but I am awake. I hope it's finished at 11pm. I don't think I can make it past that. I have it recording on TiVo just in case I miss it. I'd also like for Eric to be able to watch it.
Our incredible snow storm never did manifest (which you know is fine with me). It's still supposedly on the way, but for now, we have a reprieve.
I do believe it is time for me to hunker down onto the couch, watch the rest of this movie, then sleep for the night.
I hope you have a wonderful week, filled with magical moments, miracles, love and joy. I'm in the home stretch of two weeks until Winter Solstice, so I'm focusing on manifesting Christmas for my kids. If you normally get presents from me and I didn't give birth to you, please know that I love you and I am thinking of you, even if I can't show it materially this year. It's a terrible tight time and I'm having to triage quite a bit. Who knows? You might see a Christmas present in February or some other time when you least expect it.
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