February 4, 2005

It's a lazy, lovely day.  I woke up with a headache (I honestly think it's too many diet sodas and not enough water or else a chiropractic situation), but it cleared out quickly.  I napped for about an hour or so and have otherwise been answering e-mails and cleaning up a bit. 

The weekend looks mellow.  Eric may or may not work tomorrow.  David may or may not drive up tomorrow.  I may go to town with Nathan tonight, tomorrow or Sunday, depending on all of the above coupled with the factor of how early Eric gets home tonight.  It's all up in the air.

Next weekend, Josh, Valerie and the grandkids are coming up, so that will be nice.  We haven't seen them since Christmas. 

Kids are due home shortly, so these are my last few moments of solitude before Monday.  There is minor cleaning to do, but nothing extreme.  I've been meditating, relaxing and trying to find my passion, my flow again.  I'm still off kilter from changes, but adapting in a good bit.

I did treat the cat's butt with Solarcaine rather than peroxide.  I remembered that we used to use Solarcaine for our ladies after they had babies to reduce swelling, prevent infection and minimize irritation.  Kitty is looking much better today, but wow, he's not into the jolt of cold spray on his delicate netherlands.

I wrote out the last of the checks for bills yesterday, so everyone should be paid and happy.  There were two credit cards (both from the same company) I hadn't paid on in about a year and when I called them up to negotiate, they were willing to settle for 60% of the total amount owed.  That worked out well because 40% of the recent balance was service charges and late fees and such.  As it was, I ended up paying the principle balance; the amount I'd actually charged.  That helped tremendously and I am very grateful that they were so cooperative. 

Now, the goal is to move forward with just the utilities and (hefty) mortgage to pay and refinance again in 18 months at a better rate with our credit report in considerably nicer shape.  Eric didn't get the really great job he was up for. He was seriously crippled by the fact that the last four companies he's worked for no longer exist and he has no phone number for anyone who worked there.  He gets laid off at the last minute when the company is failing, then it dies after the last wave of layoffs.  So far, he's closed out Integra Communications, Nortel, Cable Express and MCI Worldcom.  That leaves him with no trackable employment since the military, which he left in 2000.  We're still hopeful and he will continue to apply for better jobs with good benefits packages.  He currently has a very decent job with no benefits package.

Time to go clean!  Have an absolutely stellar weekend!

Oh, to hold you over in the culinary weirdness department, here's some Twinkie Sushi. I think I'll do OK without it.  The recipe is linked to the picture. Just click it.


February 3, 2005

Eric and I had a wonderful Candlemas ritual last night, welcoming the changes and feeling the anticipation of what this year brings.  I was so tired, but I did realize that the reason I've been feeling so out of sorts is that I don't really know what to do with myself or how to process the changes we've experienced and all that has happened.

We've been stressing over the refi and stressing over Christmas and stressing over the wood:snow ratio and stressing over Eric's work situation and stressing over the car situation and stressing over the mess with Eric's failed business and stressing over getting the original home loan for this place and stressing over our rental house being sold and stressing over Eric's many lay offs before that and so on and so on further back forever... It seems like even when I thought I wasn't stressing and was giving everything up to faith, there was still tension surrounding the very real threats that were there. 

Now that there is no longer a threat, at least for a while, I find that I don't quite know what to do with myself.  I've been praying for things to work out for so long that it's very, very different for everything to actually be worked out.  Now that it's all over for the time being, I feel more tense than when I was going through the crises. 

Yesterday, I was looking for a particular website for a long, long time before I realized it was an Incredimail letter.  Duh!  In fact, it was an Incredimail from before the last Windows XP installation, so not only do I not have it any more, but I can't find it anywhere on the net.  It was a blue fairy leaning over a bubble of animated butterflies.  I believe it was by Amy Brown, but I'm not sure.  She recently pulled permissions on a lot of her work being used.  I wasn't able to find it, but in the process, while I still believed it to be a webset, I ended up going through every one of my Nonsoapy Journal Archives.  How many is that?  Just over 300 and that doesn't count the ones that have more than one entry on them.  I found a lot of favorite websets, so that's nice.  Just not the one I wanted.

As I was looking over the entries, it was like a life review.  I have determined:

1) It has been a stressful few years.

2) I have way too many stress-related headaches

3) I have incredible dreams that I love

4) My kids are cool.  I was especially loving the entry where Dylan said, "When I poop, I sometimes feel older than I am."  That kid is the bomb.

A friend of mine reminded me today of a dream I had back in June:

I was sitting in a restaurant, waiting to be seated.  Eric was in the bathroom and I was next to an older man and woman that I knew in the dream, but I had not arrived with them and didn't know them in real life.  They were very excited to tell me that "their Kathy" would be arriving on December 5th.  I was remarking, "That's wonderful!  Just in time for Christmas!" as Eric walked up.  He was also excited to see the couple and that Kathy was coming back.  I have no clue who the old couple is, who Kathy is or why I was so glad she was coming back. I just know that it's the first dream in ages I've remembered.  It was very clear.  I didn't recognize the restaurant, but I can clearly see the cracked vinyl bench seats were were sitting on as we waited.  I also know that my name used to be Kathy. I never used Katrina (my legal name) until about 1993.  If I die on December 5th, the old people did it.

Wow!  This was before I knew that Dylan would be going back to school just after December and I'd be on my own with no kids!  When I last had no children of my own, my name was Kathy.  The kids all in school, the money problems resolved, me free to write and endlessly explore my spirituality... Yep, I've arrived and not long after that date.  In fact, looking at my date book, I can see that ironically, December 5th was the day we first contacted Erica about starting the refinancing of the house.  I guess I'm reborn in a way.

While we were in LA, Joe and Sandra lent us the money to take the kids to Disneyland.  They had a really wonderful time.  One thing I learned, if you are ever doing Diz on a shoestring is to NOT take cash into the park.  We put the money they lent to us in the back and used a debit card.  That way, you don't make any purchases without it being a process. Helped my diet as well.  We fed the kids before and after leaving the park as well, which helped considerably.

Pictures are here.

Time for me to put away clothes (they were sorted yesterday... it's a process for me) and clean house.  A nap might even be in order if all goes well. I'm thinking spaghetti and meatballs for dinner.  :)

Hope you have a wonderful evening. I'm going to be busy working on adjusting into my new, stress-free self and getting all balanced again after the madness.

Thanks for being there,