September 7, 2001
OK, Fat Journal Pals.
YOU are the very select few who will get this, so you get to be the
target of the foul bile Iím about to spew forth. I would suggest donning any protective gear you happen to
have lying around, preferably with those triple triangles that protect you from
I will get better. Right now
Iím mad. So check this out.
I started feeling, well, worried, so I weighed myself on
For further reference, everything I wrote about redirecting attention OFF
of weight loss and controlling other parts of your life and not weighing because
you get obsessed with the numbers is total and utter CRAP and I fully recommend
that you ignore it fully. I GAINED
17 POUNDS AND IíM UP TO 226!!! That
is my old, familiar set point that I tend to return to when unchecked.
The real pisser is that I didnít even eat all that I wanted to in the
past two months that I took off!! I
passed on a BUNCH of things that I was craving.
Armed with that pain info, I decided to go back onto the
watching all I eat, drinking the water, exercising routine and get it done with.
I felt that I was pushing myself into it, not because I was interested in
actually doing anything Iíd have to do or denying myself anything Iíd have
to deny, but because I donít want to gain any more weight (yikes!) or even
stay at 226. We went out to family
brunch a bit after I weighed and I was careful about what I selected (buffet).
While we were eating, the kids were LAYING on me, hanging on my arms,
that kind of thing. I remarked that
I didnít think I actually weighed 226, that I just had 70 pounds of kids
hanging on me. Eric practically
dropped his fork. He was sitting
across from me. ďTWO HUNDRED
TWENTY SIX POUNDS?????Ē ďyes.Ē
ÖpauseÖ ďI didnít know thatĒ Öbig frownÖlook of disgust and
repulsion. OK, so that was a fun
moment. Felt like gum on the bottom
of a shoe thatís been walking through the sewer.
My lowest was 209 in this Fatastic Journey and my highest since weíve
been married is 230. My all time
highest NOT pregnant is 240. I want
to be 140-150.
So there was that happy little event.
THEN there was my birthday, number 40, yes I have big crone issues, on
Wednesday. My husband, who is our
sole income with me as a stay at home mom, was laid off with no warning on
August 24th. He has been
diligently looking for a job, including seeing a recruiter about going back into
the Air Force (yuck, I did a total of 22 years as an AF wife and Iím DONE) and
a job that takes him away from us for 2 months (we vowed we would never cash in
our time together like that no matter what).
He is a telecommuncations engineer, WICKEDLY well trained and does start
to finish telecom. He can plan and
write a telecom system, install it, cable it, run it, whatever.
He went from making $80,000 a year (with overtime) to nothing in a
second. We had savings, but that is
almost all gone after paying rent. We
were pretty savings low after the trip to LA.
Stocks have been sold as well. So
while we have total faith that this will all work out, itís scary and gets
more so as time passes. The telecom
field was hit hard with the death of all the dotcom companies.
They all had accounts and now those accounts are gone.
ANYWAY, that set the stage for tension (though we try to
keep it to a minimum with continual pep talks) and penny pinching.
Back to my birthday. No
presents from us this year, but I got wonderful gifts from friends.
Eric and I went a movie Iíd been wanting to go to badly (Jay and Silent
Bob Strike Back) and it did NOT disappoint!!
Itís easily Kevin Smithís very best movie.
Caught a cheap matinee, got tiny popcorn and a diet soda.
That was our big splurge, followed by soup at Black Angus.
Very nice time. I wanted to get 39 cent burgers from McDonalds for dinner (I
LOVE McDonalds), but decided against it, thinking we should save the $5-6 it
would end up costing with fries for the kids.
I made low fat chicken at home (neither cooking nor low fat goes with my
Jump to: Next
Delena had ďtorture the parents,Ē I mean, ďBack to SchoolĒ night
from 6-7pm. I was all set to make a
lasagna and had looked forward to it and planned, calorie wise, for it all
through the day. Had a tiny bowl of
cereal for breakfast and some of the low fat chicken for lunch; practically neg
calories and READY for that LASAGNA!! I started putting the lasagna together (and mine is most
excellent), got the ground beef browned and found *gasp* that Josh had eaten all
of the marinara sauce for spaghetti. (??!!)
Grrrrr. I was going to make
it, cook it while we were at the school, have Josh monitor it, then come home
and eat it. Two whole jars of
sauceÖgone. So we went to the
school (walking) and on the way home, I mentioned to Eric that we needed bread
and Iíd need him to get some more sauce so that I could make the lasagna. It was about 7:10 then.
ďWhat??? You still think
you should make lasagna?Ē He then
went off on this little mini rant about how inconsiderate that was to the kids
because it wouldnít be done until 8:30, theyíd be late going to bed (OH
NO!!!) and how could I BE so selfish and self centered?
I told him that I wanted lasagna, that it meant a lot to me and that
Iíd planned for it through the day. Then
he says, ďWELL, maybe you should LOOK INTO TO why a LASAGNA means so much to
you! I think thereís really
something wrong with that.Ē My
head was reeling, not just with disappointment, but with anger and shame and so
many other things. (I will *NOT*
cry as I write this. I wonít!)
I just wanted my freaking lasagna. So
I went home and used the last few scraps of bread to make grilled cheese
sandwiches for the kids while he went out for more breadÖbread, ice, coke and
a big bottle of Captain Morganís for himself.
I wasÖagog. I
wasÖfurious. I could not believe what I was seeing. After I denied my birthday dinner for the greatest good of
the familyÖthe CHEAP birthday dinner it would have been, after I went without
picking any gifts for myself, after I didnít buy ANY gifts for my 2-year-old
son, whose birthday is TODAY, he spends $15 on liquor.
My head immediately factored 30 loaves of bread, 7 gallons of milk, TWO
trips to McDonalds for 39 cent burgers, LOTS of gifts for Nathan at the thrift
store. All of the fear and anger
and disappointment of the lay off, of the weight gain, of the sudden poverty, of
the cruel remarks just flew out of me and I did NOT carry myself well AT ALL.
I was a raving, screaming lunatic. He
never knew what hit him. He claimed
we had talked about it earlier, he not knowing sarcasm when he hears it.
The conversation went like this:
Eric: ďIím feeling a little, um, thirsty. I wouldnít mind getting some Captain Morganís tonight.Ē
(Looking up from my keyboard) ďOh,
yeah. Thatíd be a smart move.
Josh would love it. Go for
it.Ē (My son Josh steals our
liquor) My tongue was so far in my
cheek it was putting my eye out, but I guess that was all the permission he
needed. (stupid, stupid, STUPID Ė
ME, not him!)
So he got it and looked at me blankly, ďBut you said,
ĎGo for it.íĒ Grrrrr.
So who is the idiot here, really? My first thought was that it was the guy who blew $15 on rum.
But he had what he wanted. Where
were my burgers? Nowhere.
What did I have for dinner instead of lasagna? Hot nothing with a side of nothing. Sure, the calories did me no harm, but my spirit is
destroyed. I justÖwent to bed.
He stayed up and had a nice night with the Captain.
Again, who is the idiot here?
I AM going to go to the thrift shop and get some little
presents for Nathan for today. I
canít in good consciousness spend money to make myself feel better because it
just seems so stupid. Even if he
was called back to work tomorrow, it would be 2 weeks before we see a paycheck
and with the pittance we have left there are utilities to pay. I have faith that it will all work out. We have always been provided for in the past and Iím not
really worried, more in my head than in my gut.
I just am tired of being deprived and doing without and (seemingly) for
OK, rant off. I feel better for purging. Thanks for being there.
Interim posts can be found here.
June 1, 2001
Happy Friday! I
didnít get the results I wanted from my Friday weights and measures, but I got
the results I expected. Overall, I
was up 1.5Ē and down one pound, so Iím at 214, closing in on 209, my all
time low in the past 4-5 years. I
can feel that Iím retaining a good amount of water from my period being due
next week and from nor drinking the water this week.
Iím back on water today, big time, and Iím going to get the fluid
retention down, then weigh and measure again in a day or so.
It has been a good exercise week. I did intense Body Flexing all week long.
By intense, I mean that I not only did my usual 5 reps of each of the 12
postures, but continued on to do as many reps as I could, sometimes up to double
the amount. Iíd just keep going
until my muscles were noodly and I couldnít do any more.
I worked up quite a sweat! Also,
I found on the Seiko and the back leg extensions that if I didnít rest my leg
back down onto the floor between reps, it really ups the ante.
With the Seiko, instead of lowering to the floor between each hold of 5,
I instead bring my leg in to my chest, then stretch back on the inhale, then go
into the Seiko position again. It
REALLY puts the burn into the position. (sorry
to bore you nonBody Flexerís) Another
point to make is that you are really working at a disadvantage if you only use
Greerís video or book. Both have
wonderful benefits and I highly recommend hitting up a library for whichever you
donít have. I definitely
benefited from watching the video after a friend sent it to me when I had only
been working from the book and there were things in the book that were quite
valuable and were not included in the video.
So I Body Flexed every day and walked at night.
Yesterday, I didnít do the night walk.
After my trek with the kids in 100+
degree weather, I figured Iíd burned enough calories.
My arms are wicked sore from carrying Nathan. Iíll go back to walking tonight.
See ya next week! Hopefully
May 29th, 2001
Been wanting to write,
but real life keeps getting in the way. Iím
just grateful to HAVE a life to get in the way.
I have to admit that as much as I miss writing when a muse is beating me
across the head, Iíd be pretty damned depressed if I had nothing to do but
write. The little boys have been
SUPER *busy* (that is the word we use when they have been especially
rambunctious to avoid negative type casting) lately and it has taken all my
waking hours just to keep them corralled and safe.
More on that in the NonSoapy Journal entry that I am hoping will be on
the way tomorrow.
For today in the
Fatastic Journal, I want to say that my progress has slowed down, which is OK.
Iím willing to wait (but not too long).
I lost one inch (that was an average of + an inch here and Ė a couple
of inches there) and one pound provided it perched on the scale just so.
That takes me down to 215 for the first time in about 3 years. The
smallest Iíve been since Dylan was born in 1997 is 209 and the smallest Iíve
been since Delena was born in 1992 is 197.
I am praying to see those numbers come and go in the near future.
Again, as with the beginning of every week, Iím even more dedicated to
getting out of this fat suit. I had
a really interesting insight while we were out to brunch on Sunday that gave me
yet another window into the box that holds the answer to why I compulsively eat
(more on that coming) and why I need my food comfort even when my life around me
is sooo good. I am so grateful for
all these little sparks of insight about myself that seem to crop up, usually,
I started back into the
Body Flexing again and it feels wonderful.
The biggest challenge is not being able to eat in the morning until I can
do it and it sometimes being HOURS before the boys give me the 15-18 minutes
undisturbed that I need to do it. It
feels really good and I work up a good sweat.
I was really surprised that I hadnít lost more ground with it having
not done it to speak of for 2-3 weeks. It
is such a great program and as annoying as I find the woman who promotes it, I
do have to say that it really, really works.
I know Iím holding big
fluid because Iím going to start my period any second now.
I miss my nightly walks with Dr Phil and Iíll be starting those up with
him chattering on in my ear, reminding me to ďstay realĒ starting tomorrow.
A person victory is that
when I went to my favorite thrift shop yesterday (if anyone lives in the
Sacramento area, drop a line to get direction to the coolest thrift shop in the
area with a huge rack of fat people clothes!), I picked up some jeans (yep,
reallll jeans) and tried them on and after much huffing and puffing and sucking
in of the gut, I managed to zip into a size 18 (yaaaaaaayyy Ė the crowd goes
wild). This is the first time
Iíve bought a size that didnít start with a 2 in forever. Granted, once I got them home, put them on for brunch and
went out and ATE, they were mercilessly uncomfortable and riding up my
Netherlands like nobodyís business, but they were on and zipped.
In a few pounds, theyíll be comfy, then Iím going to start weeding
out stretch pants.
The insight I was
talking about happened when we were at Hometown Buffet having brunch with the
kids like we do every Sunday morning. I
was having a good time, making good choices, nibbling away and suddenly I felt
really overwhelmed with sadness as I looked at all the people who happened to be
there with their mothers. I really,
really missed my mom then. I
hadnít really stopped to think about it in a long, long time, but I didnít
really miss MY mom, as in the person she is now, but I miss the mom that I feel
like I deserved for so long. I
desperately missed having an older, wiser woman that I could come to and cry in
her apron and have her rub my hair (thatís it!
I want Lesley Webber!) and tell me itís going to be OK and kick me in
the ass when I need it and be a guiding light.
I miss having not had that for the past 30 years or so and I am really
getting tired of having to forge my own way through the wildernesses of life.
There have been a couple of times when Iíve had surrogate mothers who
have come and gone and that was wonderful.
Lives inevitably took up to different places and we lost contact, but it
was nice for a while and gave me a feeling of groundedness.
I know that one will come to me, in real life, because I have wished it,
so Iím on the lookout for my new mom. J
I have lots of friends on the net and
Iím grateful for them, but this has to be a hands-on, in person person.
Iím not really looking for a peer, but for an elder who has been around
more roads than me (and Iíve walked an atlas), is smarter than me (and Iím a
tough act to follow) and is loving, caring and wise.
Imagine that this is the set of Mary Poppins and those paper pieces are
reassembling and flying up into the clouds as we speak.
Iíll letcha know when she gets here!
May 22, 2001
The absence of posting
isnít an aversion. Just wanted to
check in and let you know that all is well.
I decided not to weigh and measure on Friday (even though Iíd been
faithful) because I could tell I was holding some fluid and I didnít want to
read depressing results. Iíll
catch it this week. I chose to eat
stuff I shouldnít over the weekend (real soda, several cookies) and it made me
really sick by Sunday night. I just
canít do it like I used to. My
body has become accustomed to the reduced levels of refined sugar and while it
can have fun with it from time to time, a huge onslaught spikes out the sugar
levels too high and makes me physically sick.
Thatís a good thing to know. The
very thing that got me this fat and made me thrive and feel fulfilled before is
now something that my body rejects. I
guess I really am on the road to health. I
want to try and walk today (yesterday was a garage cleaning aerobics day),
Friday was gardening aerobics and Sunday was housecleaning.
I miss my walks with Dr Phil.
I was just watching The View while I type and they had a commercial for
Senakot laxative with people singing, ďI Feel GoodĒ (the James Brown song).
Iím not sure what was so funny about it to me, but a bunch of yuppies
thrusting their fists in the air saying, ďI feel good (I knew that I would
now) cause I was finally able to take a shitĒ just cracked me up. Hey, Iím an easy laugh sometimes.
A month or so ago when
the made for TV show ďWhen Billie Beat BobbieĒ aired, Billie Jean King was
on The View with Holly Hunter, who played her in the movie.
Billie Jean King, who was one of the foremost female athletes of the
seventies, was FAT. I mean, she was a little plumpins. It was weird. Kathleen
Turner, who is soooo beautiful, used to be a stick, but now sheís considerably
rounder. Jane Fonda, the icon of
exercise videos, has now said that the body she had when she was pimping all
those videos was unhealthy. Do my
eyes deceive me, or are even the super models starting to have rounder hips,
fuller faces and a healthier appearance? Dr
Christiane Northrup says that only approximately 3% of women can achieve
physically (not just lack of will power) the body of a model.
Are the fat girls winning? Is
our standard of beauty shifting away from anorexic waif boylook to the round,
voluptuous woman shape that we can actually achieve? We can only hope.
May 16, 2001
As I was walking the kids to the park to play, I was flipping through my mental rolodex looking for a thought to meditate upon and what floated to the surface of my Magic 8 Ball was the signature block of my pal, Abbie:
"If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!"
Isn't that just the truth? Every day that we open our eyes to another morning, we have a new day, filled with hours, each one ripe and bursting with the potential to change our lives. It's an opportunity right any number of wrongs that we have inflicted on ourselves or others. Each day, regardless of how we ate the day before or the week before or the year before, we have a new opportunity to turn around our lives and our eating and exercise habits and go after that new body we want. There is a secret that we have to remember, however. We can want it and we can go after it, but at no time is that next day or next minute or next chance guaranteed. This may be all we ever have. That is why when we are living as a fat person, whether it's fat going toward thin or fat staying fat or fat getting fatter, we have to LIVE. A friend of mine was one concerned about the depth of my depression over being fat. She said, "Do you want your kids to remember you fat, happy and sitting in the floor licking the beaters from the cake you just made or tense, angry, scared, hungry, grumpy and depressed because all you've eaten is a salad and you only lost 2 pounds that week?" Of course, we have to work to lose the weight. It didn't go on overnight and it's going to probably take about twice as long to take it off as it did to put it on. It's a long, hard journey, but it's one we have to make with pride and dignity and joy, not deprivation, anger, depression and daily defeat, obsessing over every pound's fluctuation. Our life is too precious to waste freaking out over our hips or our tummies. Life is to be lived and savored and basked in every minute of every day. How can we do that if we are focused on where our next cupcake will come from or whether our son is going to get to that last scoop of mashed potatoes before we can? Likewise, how can be relish every moment of we are self-flagellating over a big ice cream cone or a sloppy cheeseburger that we ordered? If you are going to fall off the wagon, do it on purpose and with great dignity. Like Buzz Lightyear, "Falling with Style." Let it happen, lap up every drop of hot fudge on that ice cream and be glad you did. Run an extra mile, walk around the block one more time, do an extra set of Body Flex and call it a day. Enjoy life, every moment of it, whether you are fat or thin. Don't waste time feeling guilty if you made a choice that didn't fit in to your diet plan. MAKE it fit. Say, "I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it and I'm going to love it. I'm not going to hide. I'm not going to be embarrassed or ashamed. I'm not going to deprive myself today, at this moment. I'm going to savor every bite, just like I do every other part of my life and I'm not going to beat myself up over it." Then take responsibility for it and do a little more exercise. Life is so, so good and if it's not, make it that way!
May 16, 2001
Man, I am starving today. I've been eating like Pac-Man all day. It's cool with me. I've learned to be gentle with myself and just go with the flow and not let the guilt monster get me. I did three hours of gardening yesterday and got my back and side yards cleaned, as well as a lot of the front flower gardens weeded. Tonight is walking with Dr Phil, so I'm looking forward to that. :) I've listened to his books on tape so many times it's a wonder they still play, but I still focus on something new every time I hear them. That guy is such an inspiration. I'll never forget the first time I read Life Strategies. I had just married Eric and didn't know what to do with my life now that I was starting to get to where I wanted to be. The dark and scary past of being a single parent, handling everything alone, often feeling very unloved and unworthy, was suddenly behind me. There was now love, there was financial relief (somewhat) and there was companionship and assistance. Now that the crisis was over and I was in a safe place, I was falling apart. I watched an episode of Oprah where Dr Phil was speaking and he made so much sense that I bought the book. I started reading it and one minute I was reading about Oprah's battle with the Texas cattlemen and the next minute, I was in tears because my life was such a wreck. I went through the book, did the exercises he suggested and learned more about myself in that week than I had in the previous 36 years I'd lived. It was a long haul, but I was able to get a grip on what I wanted in my life, what was working and what was not. I'm so grateful that I had a loving and caring husband who midwifed me through my new birth and helped me exorcise my old demons. I had been on autopilot for 25 years, just going through the motions of life, being an effect, terrified of ever being a cause. As Phil would put it, I wasn't one of the ones who "got it." When I suddenly "got it" as a result of his book, I was simultaneously thrilled, terrified and overwhelmed. I was suddenly living in the world, in the moment, in my life and was awake and aware for the first time in forever. Since then, I've bought the book for and recommended it to about a million people. Relationship Rescue is just as good, even if your relationship doesn't need rescuing. Now, I listen to Life Strategies about every 6 months or so just to stay sharp and Relationship Rescue about as often just to stay clear on the bonding strategies he recommends.
So back to today, I'm eating up a storm and I'm not really sure why. I've been all over it objectively. I'm not bored or feeling insecure or inconvenienced or frustrated or any of my usual triggers. Eric and I are in a good place right now, the kids are being great, I'm doing site work, my house is decently clean and I'm not overly tired. I'm just overly hungry. I just ate some leftovers from last night's dinner: stir-fried chicken and veggies with a little Hawaiian roll. This morning, I had 4 (count'em - 4) chocolate-chip M&M cookies (and they was gooooood). I've had three big glasses of Diet Dr Pepper and not a drop of water. >:< I'm feeling full now and that's the good news. It's almost noon now, so I can at least make the rest of the day full of better choices and walk my ass off (literally) later today. I feel bigger, probably from retaining fluid from the diet soda. I'm starting to wonder if I should wait a week before measuring on Friday.
Spirits are still good and if I have a day that isn't a stellar weight loss day, I'm not going to panic. Life is still very good. :)
May 12, 2001
I had a very telling situation come up today that I
wanted to share with all of you. I
have written before in my journal about how my husband feels about my weight.
He is 15 years younger than I am and always dated Barbie dolls before we
married. Before and after our
marriage, he made no bones (ow, sorry for the pun) about the fact that he likes
his women lean, strong, healthy and athletic, but soft in all the right places.
My weight was a thorn in our collective side since we married. I always knew that he hated my body and that has made me
uncomfortable being naked in front of him.
I cringe if we are cuddling and he pulls me on top of him or if he
reaches around me to cuddle me from the back and loses his hand in the flesh of
my tummy. For the first two years
or so we were married, he was very verbal about his disappointment that I just
couldnít seem to lose the weight or make any significant progress.
When I became pregnant with Nathan in December of 1998, I had just lost
20 pounds and he had been so happy. His
joy over the pregnancy was eclipsed by his disappointment that, being very sick
at first and then having a hard pregnancy, I was not able to continue the weight
loss. The pregnancy put a hold on
everything he was looking forward to having and saw within his reach.
I finally got his head straightened out on that, with the help of a
sympathetic midwife. After I had
the baby, he was so excited that I was smaller from the pregnancy being gone,
that it stayed him over for a while. A
few months later, he was ready for
me to start putting some effort into it again.
He would be fine about my weight for a few weeks, but then he would see a
woman the size he wanted me to be or see a dress he wanted me to wear and it
would strike a chord and heíd be fussing about it again.
He really started curbing his tongue on it when I got him to see how much
it really hurt me for him to lash out about his disappointment.
Our last big issue about it was back in February.
He saw some woman at work that really impressed him and his anger over my
Unweight loss hit full blossom in nothing flat.
For two days, he was inconsolable and begged me to tell him what he had
done wrong that made me want to punish him by staying fat.
It was a very teary and painful time and it was really difficult to
convince him that the fat was not about HIM in any particular way,
that it was about ME. We
made it through and about a week later, he told me that he loved me and didnít
really care if I ever lost the weight any more.
He said that the most recent upheaval over my weight had put it into prospective
for him and that he would focus on the wonderful things about me rather than
this one thing I did not seem able to give him, at least not right now. He
sounded so defeated that I determined to lose it to never have him feel that way
again. Somewhere around there, the
fat journal was born.
Today, Eric and I got into an argument about something stupid and I fussed at him for his seeming inability to totally quit smoking. He's been working on this for about two years. The advice I had given him all along was to decided whether he was going to be a smoker or not be a smoker and to be at peace with that rather than feeling guilty about it when he strayed. I did ask that he not smoke in front of the kids. He normally now has 1-2 cigarettes a day at work and never smokes at home. Normally, our dynamics are such that we will not play judge and jury for one another. We took that element out back in February at the last fight and said that we would always be advocate for the other and not think so critically as to make the other accountable to us. Neither of us is a ďbossĒ of the other one and we should just love and not critique, while understanding that the other will be doing the best they can and what they feel is right. It was going really well until this morning when I lugged my ass out of bed, sleepy as hell from being up through the night with Nathan, at 5am and let him sleep in until 10am. As soon as he was out of the bed and dressed, he started griping about the fact that I had not kept the house clean while watching the kids when he was sleeping. There were toys around and about and the cushions were off the couch where Dylan and Nathan had been playing "jump." I actually HAD cleaned the house twice, including the kids' room where two toy boxes had been dumped TWICE. I had also risked waking him by vacuuming when Nathan squashed a package of crackers he absconded with from the kitchen. In my tired, bleary-eyed, emotional state, his bitching about the house before 'good morning' crossed his lips hit me wrong and I went off on him. Somehow the smoking came up. I think that because he was being judgmental about the house, I whipped out my trump card and slammed it on the table. Bu-BAM! He looked really hurt and asked why I was throwing that in his face when I knew he was really trying. I shot back that it was like my weight, that he knew how hard I was working on it, but he didnít hesitate to bring it up. He then reminded me that he had not ONCE brought up my weight, mentioned anything I was eating or done anything but praise my successes since February. I stopped to think about it and realized he was right. He told me that heíd said he didnít care if I was fat forever, that he loved me anyway, and he meant it. I felt really bad about it, not just because it took all the wind out of my argumentís sails (*BUSTED*), but because Iíd been so driven in losing weight FOR Eric that I had put false pretenses onto him. Now mind you, I want to lose it for me as well, mostly for me, in fact, but his disappointment and defeatedness when he told me back in February that he had basically given up was what motivated me during the times that I didnít want it for myself as much as I wanted the cookie or the Dr Pepper. My friend, Mystic, asked me during my time off recently if I was sure I was doing this for myself and not for Eric and I gave it consideration and said that I was. Eric's stuff was definitely in there, but the prime interests were my own. So this was actually recently evaluated, but now I had a new facet to the situation.
I had to go out and run some errands not long after our
argument and that gave me time to think. I
knew he was sincere about it really being OK if I didnít lose the weight and
that was the first time IN MY LIFE I had ever thought that if I wanted to, I
could eat cookies, mashed potatoes, drink REAL soda, eat all the Krispy Kreme
donuts I wanted and not lose my husband or feel like I had failed anyone.
I had the total freedom to do what I wanted, eat what I wanted, be what I
wanted and weigh what I wanted. I
drove right to the donut shop and ordered up a couple.
Our psychic connection being totally on, he called me up as I drove into
the drive through. ["Hi Honey. I'm sorry we were uncuddly."
"I'm sorry too, sweetie. But you're right, you have been really good
about my weight and it was wrong of me to not honor how great you've been about
coming to terms with my fat." "It's OK. I know it's
hard. Where are you? It doesn't sound like you're
driving." "I'm driving. I'm just driving very
slowly." "(laugh) Are you stuck in traffic?"
"Well, kind of. Just a second, hon - (muffled) I'd like two
glazed and a regular Mountain Dew please." "What was
that?" "That was Mr Krispy Kreme Drive Through Man."
"(laugh) Well, hon, enjoy them! Bring one home to
me!" "I will, Sweetie. Love you." "Love
you too. Bye!"] So I
ordered up a coupla hot glazed and a soda.
I was so eager to eat them without the guilt.
I had one and it was soooo yummy. I
went for the second one and couldnít do it.
I was in sugar overload and while it had really tasted good, I was done.
I didnít need or even want any more.
I dumped the soda and sucked on the ice and saved the donut to give to
Josh. It was then that I realized
that Iím fully not doing this for Eric any more.
I really, really am doing it for me.
I want to be a regular sized person again.
I want to feel proud of how I look and what I have accomplished.
For the first time in years and years, if ever, I can see myself in the
future feeling satisfied with how I look and what I am able to wear.
I know that itís going to happen this time and that donut told me that
itís already happening. It has its own momentum and THAT is what will now carry me
through the more difficult times. As Eric says, "the future has take
root in the seed of today."
When I was in the grocery store waiting for the slowest
deli worker in the world to shave my pound of honey ham, I thought about choices
and how long Iíve been saying, ďItís so hard!
Itís sooo hard to make the right food choices and make myself do the
exercisinggggg.Ē Then I thought
about the part of myself that wants to pig out on the junk and screw off instead
of exercising and I realized how childish it sounded. ďBut I want to eat TWO donuts!!
Címon, mom, lemme have TWO DONUTS or IíM GOING TO MAKE YOU FEEL
BAD!!Ē ďBut I doní WANNA walk
tonight!! Itís chilly out!
Itís dark and Iím scared! Iím
tired!Ē I sound just like a
whining little kid. ďI doní
wannaĒ ďGimme gimme gimme.Ē
I thought of how *I* am in control and not that little kid any more.
I can tell that child self, ďNo, not before dinnerĒ or ďNo, you
canít eat the whole cakeĒ and have that be all there is to it.
ďYouíve already had your dessert, but you can have something good for
you if you are still really hungry.Ē
ďYou may not like to exercise/go to school/clean your room, but itís
something that you have to do even if there are times you donít want to.Ē
ďI know you want the soda instead of the water, but your body needs
water to be healthy and soda makes it sad.Ē
Iím a mom. I can do this. I took my half pound of honey ham from the clerk (I have
cookie sheets and underwear older than that clerk), noting that it was a half
pound instead of the pound I requested and didnít dare to ask for the other
half and spend another twenty introspective minutes at the deli, so I cut my
losses and split.
I guess what Iím saying is that through an argument
with my husband, I was catalyzed into realizing a number of things.
One is that even though heíd long ago (well, not that long) let go of
his demands and fervent hopes in regard to my weight loss, I had continued to
hold those for him and had put that between us rather than take him at his word
when he said he was finished feeling bad that I am fat.
I should have accepted that and noticed that he had made peace with my
body. It also showed me that I am
definitely not doing this for him, although his pride in me and my new body is
going to be a fantastic reward when we get there and as we get there.
I know heís afraid to hope for fear of being disappointed again.
I know how that feels because until this week, that is where I lived.
This week, I really began to believe that this is going to happen and to
allow myself to eagerly anticipate it. Honestly,
I can practically feel the pounds falling off of me most of the time.
It feels like itís happening on itís own and that the good food
choices are now the norm. I never
thought Iíd get to a place where my son would offer me Milk Duds and Iíd
take 4-5, say thanks and be glad for it without wanting the whole box.
(This coming from a woman who has
literally pulled out couch cushions looking for M&M's or other goodies that
may have fallen there at some past time) That doesnít feel normal
to me now, thank goodness. I miss
the fruits and veggies now when I donít have them and my taste for meat is
even backing off significantly (not a word, Karen Ė these things must be
done delicately or the spell will be broken).
I miss the water and crave it when I donít drink it, even though I
still don't care for its taste. So
itís all working out and Iím happy that this is all carrying itself along
now. In my 23 years of enforced
weight loss, Iíve never been ďhereĒ before and it feels pretty good.
It has always been a struggle before and I donít feel like Iím
fighting now. Iím just living. J
May 11th, 2001
I rule! I rule! I totally, utterly rule. There is no doubt at all about the fact I rule.
You must sing the above line to the tune of "Hi Ho" by the Seven Dwarves for the full effect.
Ahhhh. Bassssssking in success! Number, NUMBERS, you cry! OK, here's where it sits:
Weight: 216 Down 4 POUNDS since last week
Measurements: Down 5.5 inches from last week!! That's only 1 inch away from my smallest since I started the Fatastic Journal!! Granted, it's all a bit redistributed, but it's still overall loss. I only Body Flexed about 3 times last week, but I did the walks and the manual labor and got that period out of the way, so I guess that helped! The weight is the lowest I've been in months and months. The lowest I've been in the past three years is 209, so we're going to barrel through that little wall like it's a knife through butter (mmmm butter). Crash the gate doing 98, well, 198 anyway. I'm going to be below 200 in nothing flat! (Well, maybe my tummy flat!! No, not really. After 6 kids, I expect miracles, but not ones of those caliber!) I'm going to go drink some waa-waa! Thanks for all those letters of support!
May 10th, 2001
Tomorrow is the big day of the week:
weigh and measure day. Iím
feeling pretty optimistic, but Iíve been let down before!
I know Iím still retaining a bit of fluid, but Iíve been drinking
decent amounts of water (although not 110 ounces like I should Ė somewhere
over about 80 ounces I start to float). I
wasnít able to do any exercise tonight because I have some kind of bug or
something making me feel crappy. By
the time Eric got home from work at 5:30, I was in my nightgown and in bed with
Nathan crawling all over me. Iíve
enjoyed doing the manual labor in lieu of more formal exercise, plus I have
something to show for it at the end of the time.
My eating was not all that great today because feeling sick, nothing
really tasted good and I kept trying. I
didnít have any dinner, so I guess that trades it off.
Iíve pretty much decided that Iím just going to do
one day at a time, working to live healthily and slowly integrate the good
changes into my life. I told Karen
that this is the last year, one way or another, that the weight figures
prominently into my focus. Itís
been a top priority and sense of failure for more than 20 years and Iím either
going to have incorporated enough positive changes into my lifestyle that I find
a healthy weight or Iím going to be comfortable being fat. Iím tired of battling this and making it a big issue.
Iím exercising, Iím drinking water where I never did before and Iím
eating better, so this can never be a bad thing.
Iíll let you know how the number stack up tomorrow!
May 8, 2001
Hi All. Just
a quick check in. After a visit
from Aunt Flo, ahem, I knocked off those other two pounds, so Iím fortunately
back down to my 220 starting point. I
will NEVER go over that again. Iíve
been making good choices in eats still. Most
nights I skip dinner or eat really lightly, then eat bigger meals toward the top
of the day. That seems to work out
for me OK. Been drinking the water,
but canít get over that 64 oz point, it seems, without feeling like Iím
going to float away. Exercise has
been great. I didnít Body Flex
since Friday, but yesterday I went out for a really long, energetic walk just as
the sun was going down. That was
wonderful. I walked for a solid 50
minutes, smelling the flowers that are heavily in bloom in CA right now.
I live in such a nice neighborhood.
I really love Sacramento. I
got a good sweat going and was a bit sore today, so thatís good.
I had Dr Phil talking to me about Life Strategies via my headphones and
that was extremely motivational. Tonight,
I was all excited about walking again and *busted*, I forgot Eric had to take
Josh to visit his girlfriend, so I couldnít leave the house. Damn! I had
really been looking forward to it. Dylan
was asleep, but Nathan was definitely open for business, so I asked Eric to take
him with him, which he did, and I got all set to do some treadmillling.
Got the damned thing out and set up and realized my heart just wasnít
in it, so I went outside and gardened AGGRESSIVELY for an hour.
I was hula hoing, pulling weeds, bagging weeds, moving dirt, etc.
It was great and I was covered with sweat and really felt the work out,
plus, it was actually productive time!
Oh, something funny happened while I was out on my walk
last night. I was on the last
little bit and the one side of my Dr Phil tape had already run out, so I had it
off. I came upon this little old
woman who had a perfectly immaculate yard, standing at the end of her driveway,
squirting stuff into the cracks of the pavement.
Iím figuring weed killer since her lawn was so nice (and her house was
pretty elegant as well). What was
funny is that this well groomed little old white-haired lady in her well groomed
lawn in front of her well groomed house, smiled briefly when I greeted her, then
scowled like a Mad Ball and said, ďF*cking ants.Ē I about ate off the inside of my face to keep from laughing
and we talked about what vile creatures they are when they get into your house. It was great. I
give thanks again to Eric who made me not afraid to talk to people.
I am again eager for weights and measures on Friday! Keep on trucking, dahlings!
May 4, 2001
Well, sort of.
I had some progress, but not as much as I had hoped.
I tried this week a lot more than the previous ones.
I did my Body Flex really intensely every day, with extra sets and giving
it my all. I walked the kids to the
park every day, which gives me a good mile of pushing a stroller filled with
about 80 pounds of kids, plus chasing them around, lifting them to monkey bars,
etc. It may not sound like much,
but itís more active than sitting at the computer.
Iíve gotten much better with my food choices. Iíve cut my consumption of candy and cookies (which used to
be considerable), down to once or twice a week and fried food is almost
nonexistent. I eat tons more fruit
and vegetables and drink more water than I did two months ago.
When I have soda, itís diet. The
good thing is that this way of eating now feels normal to me.
The thing is, Iím not
progressing as fast as I would like, so Iím going to have to up the ante a
bit, put out a little more on the exercise and say no a little more to the
tension eating. Itís gotten much
better, but it could be even better than it is.
I can see that it will
happen. I will look much different
in a year. But I also know that I
have to do this gradually and integrate the healthy changes in a few at a time.
If I start running 2-3 miles a day now, I will definitely lose faster,
but I have no interest in doing that for the rest of my life, so as soon as I
stop doing it, the weight will come back on.
I need to do things that I can continue doing for life.
If I walk that distance every day, I can live with that.
Maybe Iíll work up for a run, but although I can do that now, I really
donít enjoy it. So for now, Iím
adding the walking. I said I would
do it last week, but it didnít happen, so I have to get more assertive and
Today was weight and
measures day. I lost one pound,
taking me back down to 222. On my
measurements, I went down 4Ē, giving me an overall loss of 12 inches in 2
months. At one time, before my jump
from the wagon, I was down 15.5 inches. Iím
sure that will be off in the next couple of weeks.
So Iím still on the
path! Oh, I wanted to tell you all
that I tried Dexatrim Natural, the Green Tree formula that is ephedrine-free.
It worked GREAT. I didnít have any speedy feelings, just good energy.
My fill button was very sensitive and I ate about half what I would
normally eat. I was able to go a
lot longer without eating. I
really, really felt good. Itís
cheap, comparatively speaking, and very effective.
Iíll check in next
Friday when I weigh and measure!
April 26, 2001
My boys have been SO
BUSY this week that sitting down to the computer has been a real luxury, so here
I am at 11:00 at night, blindly pecking away through drop dead tired eyelids
that just want to cloooooose. Five
a.m. is going to come mighty early when Nathan is open for business.
I know that there are things I need to journal about and try to work out
and this seems to be my only chance to do it.
I only hope Iím cognizant enough to make sense of it.
Just bear with me, scroll past whatever you choose and drop it entirely
if I get too rambly or nonsensical.
My first thought is to
write, ďI am failing,Ē but I know that is too negative to start out a
healing session. Regardless, that
is the feeling that I canít seem to shake.
ďI am biggerĒ is a definite fact.
Took my measurements today, a day early, because I wanted to play with a
toy on www.landsend.com. They have a virtual model there and you can program in your
measurements, see what your body shape looks like (warning:
do not under any circumstances turn the model around to look at her
backside unless you are sitting on yours and wearing protective eye gear.
Laws, what an ass that girl had!), try on their different clothes (lousy
selection) and see how they look before you buy them.
I couldnít figure out how to get the clothes on the model, but I will
give it another try later. I have
to admit that I was surprised to find that I had gained another 3 inches in a
week, so that makes a total of 6.5 inches Iíve put back on my overall
midsection. I did lose a half inch
on each thigh this week or else it would have been 7.5 inches.
Discouraged, I figured that I had probably lost a little weight if I had
dropped the tightness of the muscles that was holding me in before. Put the
scale on the shower floor (no more carpet weighing for me!) and found Iíd
gained another 3 pounds, boosting me up to 223.
The highest Iíve been in 5 years is 226.
Iím almost there.
I have not been able to
Body Flex and the reason is not motivation because I really do want this to
happen. It is because there are
kids on me 24/7 and I just canít seem to do those tummy crunches with kids
sitting on me. It just got to be
not worth the effort. Eric is very
understanding and supportive and has offered to watch the kids while I work out,
but he just started a different job with MCI and is having to work late hours.
By the time I get him home, Iím in the process of feeding kids, then he
eats, then we get the kids to bed, then I collapse with no motivation to do
ANYTHING after 13-15 hours of kids. I
need to go away to a spa or a retreat and spend time in total tranquility,
looking at the big old ďYou are HereĒ map of my life and doing some serious
evaluation. Iím at a point where
I believe Iíve purged all the old voices of my parents and my ex and I
seriously donít think there are any more monsters in there undermining my
efforts. But something is.
Overall, I have made very positive changes.
I now drink diet soda instead of regular and damned little of that.
I normally drink water and lots of it, but for the past few days it just
hasnít been grabbing me and Iíve had to work hard to force down even half of
what Iím supposed to (110 oz). I
very seldom eat candy any more and that is a major accomplishment.
I still have a soft spot for cookies and nurture foods.
Tonight, I went out to eat with my sweetie and had a nice big side salad,
a bowl of baked potato soup, about a cup of garlic mashed potatoes, a couple of
pieces of brown bread and maybe an ounce of steak, the rest of which I wrapped
for tomorrow. Normally, I would
have had a second bowl of soup (easily, itís so yummy), a lot more bread,
polished off that steak and had desert. I
was comfortable and satisfied, so I know there is some progress.
Iíve been doing a lot
of thinking since my vacation about how Iíve been fighting this battle for
over 20 years now. I have spent so
much of my life tying up my self worth (or lack thereof) in my weight.
Iíve taught myself that I will be able to be happy when Iíve lost 80
pounds. Happiness is always
pending, I guess because I feel as if I donít deserve happiness if I canít
be a success and lose this weight. It
bothers me that if I died tomorrow, I would have spent half of my life waiting
for the weight to be gone so I could get on with life.
I donít even know HOW to be happy; how to even start.
I feel good. I love where my
husband and I are in our lives and the only real challenge I have is keeping up
the site around two very active and creative little boys on a daily basis.
I love them to pieces and have a lot of fun with them, but itís also
very mentally and emotionally strenuous work.
There is a really good reason why stay-at-home moms have the highest
suicide rate in occupational demographics.
Itís very hard, thankless and mind-numbing work.
I love it, I love them and I wouldnít do it any differently, but damn!
Itís a toughie! I know
from my grown kids that if you believe your kids are ever going to understand
why you did the things you did the way you did them or thank you for taking the
smaller piece of chicken, for deciding you werenít hungry after all because
thereís not enough Kraft Mac and Cheese, for wearing underwear held together
by the elastic band connecting the holes together so someone could have the new
Pokemon folder, it ainít going to happen.
Thatís why itís thankless. There
are wonderful, cuddly benefits to the mom thing, but you have to soak those up
for yourself and absorb the beauty of it rather than expecting that you are ever
going to be thanked in the Valedictorian speech. When the kids are tough, I go get some nurture food and then
I fill (ful)filled enough to nurture them some more. I donít have a clue how to get that fulfillment anywhere
else. I know itís not good for my
focus to be so strongly on losing the weight to solve the issues, but
unfortunately, a lot of the issues I have WILL be solved when the weight is off.
Sex really will be better. The
kids really wonít be ashamed of my fat any more.
Eric really will be proud of how I look.
I really will be able to wear pretty clothes for a change.
I really will feel and look better.
That canít be denied. So
what I tripping up my progress and motivation.
A friend of mine
speculated that I was doing this more for Eric than for myself and I seriously
mulled that idea over and determined that I really do want it more for me than
for him. If he were gone, Iíd
still do it because Iím just done with this shape and size. I want more in my
life than what I can do weighing 223 pounds.
I want to lose and not gain. I
just canít seem to find my go button to do it and Iím really scared now that
itís going up instead of down. Iíve
got to try and get back on the system, some system and just do it. I want it, but I canít find it.
I know there are wisdoms working themselves out in my head, but itís
almost impossible to find the stillness to hear them any more.
I think I have my
answer. I think what Iím going to
have to do to accomplish both tasks is to go back to running outside again.
I used to before we moved off base, but havenít since we have lived
civilian. I have always loved
listening to books on cassette while I run and I just ordered 3 that Iíve been
eager to get into. If I start
running after Eric gets home and force everyone to wait on dinner (poor lambs),
I can get in a good two miles a night, listen to my tapes, try and think through
my issues, get some time alone and maybe knock off this weight once and for all.
I want to lose 70-80 pounds. I
donít need to get down to 120 or 110, especially since I have a large body
frame. Getting down to 140 or so would give me a healthy size and
shape. I might even be able to work
in some Body Flexing as well. It
just isnít working for me to try and exercise at home any more, so I have to
try a different strategy. I keep
forgetting those stupid Chromium Picolinates.
You have to take them four times a day and Iím lucky to remember 1
multivitamin. Maybe if I can come
up with a system for them, it will help with some of the eating.
Iíd love to try the Xenedrine or Metabolife that people are having such
great luck with, but I canít take them while nursing, so that kind of trashes
that idea. The next day or so is
grocery day, so maybe I can start buying different foods.
I want foods that taste good and will do a minimum of damage.
Well, I think the epiphany of running at night again has blown my brain cell for the night, so Iím going to go crash. All of you hang in there and find the path that works for you. I have total faith that you are all going to be right where you want to go.
April 18th, 2001
Happy Measuring Day!
I guess that should read "moderately content" measuring day or "grumblingly understanding" measuring day. Did I really think I'd get through a vacation from dieting and exercising only to find that, miracle of miracles! I've dropped another 6 inches and lost 5 pounds (well, yes I did). The damage was not as bad as I could have been, but my dream didn't exactly come true either. I'm up 2 pounds (and I thought the scale was STUCK at 220! silly me!) and 3.5" overall. That puts me at a gain of 2 pounds since I started the Fatastic Journal and down a total of 12 inches.
I'm Body Flexing once a day, occasionally twice, and drinking about a gallon of water a day. I'm being careful, but not frantic about what I eat and I'm starting to strongly suspect that I'm going to have to go to some other exercise activity at night and cut back more on calories if I'm going to get past this hump (the one on my ass). I've been trying to get to "something" in the evening, yoga, Callanetics, running, whatever, for the past month and can never seem to make it. The nights are so busy with Eric wanting to eat as soon as he gets home, then getting the kids squared away for be and the house under control for the night. It always seems like that I want to do it, but fall into bed around 11pm having not done it. I'll try again to reshift my priorities and get something going on.
I know I'm just tired and grumpy today and hoping for a miracle that didn't quite make it. Maybe next time!
April 18th, 2001
You didnít really think Iíd stay away for long did you? *WHEW*
What a great vacation that was!! I
took roughly a week and a half off of the health and fitness wagon and went into
the land of do as you please. The
good news is that I didnít binge and didnít totally go off exercising, even
when I had my choice of things to do. I
did a lot of introspection work during those 7 free minutes I had during that
time when my kids werenít going ballistic.
I realized that what I really want is to be lean, strong and healthy and
that itís the trip there that Iím resenting so much. I want it enough to take the trip, even if itís not fun all
the time. I may take breaks now and
then, but Iím finding that my tastes have changed enough that the bad stuff
doesnít have as much appeal as it once did.
Sure, itís good, but itís not worth buying clothes that are two
digits and start with a ď2Ē. So
Iím back in the limelight with my fantastic journal again.
Iíve had 70 ounces of water today and itís just past 3pm, so Iíve
got a nice 6-7 hours left and Iím more than half way there. No sodas all day, which was my real vice during the days off.
It was nice to not feel guilty or worry about what I wanted to eat or do
during that time, but Iím back to being a grown up now and understanding that
if you want to dance the dance, you have to pay the piper.
I did my Body Flexing this morning and it felt really, really good.
I had done it about 4-5 times during the vacation because I thought it
might feel good at the time and it did. I
can also feel that Iíve gotten a bit bigger from not regularly doing it twice
Iím still following
the same plan that I did before the vacation.
Itís outlined at www.eyeonsoaps.com/AMC/kflex.htm.
Itís very excited to feel motivated again instead of locked into a
cycle of deprivation and depression. Now
I feel excited about losing again and maybe even going so far as to broach a
swimsuit before end of the year. I
donít swim, mind you, but I just want to get into a swimsuit AND a pair of
jeans. Whoo Hooo!
Iím very ready to do it again. This
vacation did exactly what I wanted it to do and Iím grateful for the time. (Eric was very kind during this time and bit his lip back on
his disappointment that I was putting off or canceling out my plans to give him
a thin wife. It was all over his
face BUT his words and actions were very supportive.)
Iím really, really
excited to report that two of my on-line friends have had INCREDIBLE success
since I talked to you last. My pal
Karen has lost a total of 16 pounds since January (you GO GIRL!) and is busily
cleaning out her closet in preparation of buying those new skinny clothes.
Another friend just started Body Flexing (I mean to tell you, that system
ROCKS) and lost (sit down, take a breath, get ready) NINETEEN INCHES in just
eight days!!! ANOTHER of my online
pals just navigated the treacherous waters of her birthday dinner at Red Lobster
and made wonderful choices and STILL felt satisfied.
Iím so proud! Ahhhh. I am
surrounded by such cool people.
Anyway, wanted to let
any of you who are interested know that The Fatastic Journal is back and will be
updated as kids allow. Iím so
happy to be back on the path again and eagerly look forward to snapping those
size 12 jeans over my flat tummy!!
Hello Dear Ones,
I want to start by saying how much I especially appreciate, above and beyond all of my Eye On Soaps readers, those of you who take the time to check into my Fatastic Journal to share this walk with me. (You are my favorites, you dedicated, wonderful people) I regret that this will probably be my last Fatastic Journal entry for a while or maybe forever. I'm not sure how this will flow, but I'm opening to where the Universe takes me. I woke up this morning at 6am and just knew it was done, not just the journal, but the journey as well. I'm not saying I won't lose weight and get fit, but I'm saying that I can't focus on that any more. The message was loud and clear. What's funny is that it's 9am and I still haven't eaten anything because I'm just not hungry, so it's not just a license to binge because I have no desire to do that. I'm not even sure what it is, I just know that, at least for now, it's done. I've developed a taste for some of the healthy foods I was eating and I do want to be more active, but I've decided to not continue the focus (which was penetrating every aspect of my life) on weight loss that I've had since I started this journal and even way before. After exploring so many diets, so many exercises, so many programs, so many hopes, so many motivational tools, so many pep talks, I woke up this morning just feeling empty and sad about the whole thing.
Please, do not let this reflect on your own journey in any way. Who knows? Maybe my role is all of this was to give you guys a bit of info here and there, turn you onto a book or video or somehow throw a light on where you are going. I applaud your efforts and have total faith that you will be successful. I'm not seeing my abort of the trip to the body of a Goddess as anti-success. It's just going to take a different route or maybe go to a different place (it won't be up, I'm sure of that). Don't be afraid to e-mail me (email@example.com) and ask how I'm doing or bring it up. It's not a taboo subject or anything. I just need to work on other areas of my life exclusive of the weight loss and I'm finding it difficult to do that when it feels like everything I'm doing has to be boiled down to whether or not it's going to help or hurt my body. I need to be more than that and I'm making myself, well, not.
Please keep in touch. Keep up with the NonSoapy Journal if you want to hear how things are going in my life and please, please know that I adore you all.
Hi! Remember me? The lady who used to write in this journal? :) Sorry it's been so long, but I've had REALLY busy little boys and getting any computer time has been impossible. I think about journaling all the time, but never can get seated long enough to actually do it.
Checking in: weight is the same, but I lost another 5 inches!!! That's a total of 15.5 inches in about a month. This time it was 1 inch off of upper abs, 2 inches off of lower abs and an inch off each thigh! That was, admittedly, with a 3-day eating binge in the middle and missing a couple of Body Flexing days!! I have two more days until my next measure. I'm considering only measuring only every two weeks because I love seeing the big losses.
I have put together a pamphlet of some of the best dieting advice I've gotten, along with my own hints on Body Flexing. If anyone is interested, just e-mail me and I'll send it out. I really can't say enough great things about BF, but don't want the fatastic journal to sound like an infomercial.
I've been having struggles with the food and every day seems to be a new battle. I've had a lot of emotional challenges lately and it's so easy to want to anesthetize myself with the food. I've been trying to substitute good choices for my not-so-healthy cravings and keep the water going, but the water has definitely not been optimal lately. I bought bigger bottles, which helps.
I'll try to keep you posted (no pun
As an FYI, after doing three weeks of no exercise except Body Flex and the last week of walks, I did some running on the treadmill just now and had not lost any stamina or strength. The running felt exactly the same, so BF really works!
So many people have written to ask were they can order the books and videos I've referenced in my journal that I have created a Fatastic Book and Video Store that you can access through the link above. Hope this helps? If you are looking for my own hints on Body Flexing and nutrition, just write me that the "E-mail Katrina" link above.
Forgive Me Father, For
I Have Sinned
Ah, the things I do for
you guys! Sorry itís been so long
since I last wrote, but my boys have been on a TEAR, quite the rampage.
The energy is off in the house for a few reasons and they are picking up
on it and going nuts. (More coming
in the NonSoapy Journal later on that one)
That is severely limited my computer time and the time Iíve spent on
necessary site work has been done among Nathan scratching and crawling and
climbing and clicking buttons all over the computer.
Itís been quite a battle to get to even crank out a page of work.
The thing is, Iíve
written about 50 entries to the Fat Journal in my head, so Iíve been thinking
about you guys a lot. What did I do
for you? I didnít just fall off
the wagon, I jumped while it was barreling along at about 90 miles an hour.
My last day to Body Flex and do anything to even resemble watching what I
eat was Friday. On Saturday, the
shee-at really hit the fan and Iíd had enough.
I worked spiritually and mentally Saturday night on the weight loss, but
all day Sunday and yesterday was a disaster.
Eric was fighting with Katrina, Joshís girlfriend who lives with us (on
top it was about her telling him, ďNoĒ when he told her to turn down her
music, underneath it was about him wanting everyone of age that he was not
married to OUT of his house), the boys were pinging off the walls from the
negativity, Josh and I had a misunderstanding that got pretty intense, Eric
spent all weekend working outside on his motorcycle, so I had the brunt of the
Eveile kids and was getting more and more frazzled by the minute.
Yesterday was the worst day, some kind of delayed reaction.
I ate a package of soft chocolate chip cookies from the Albertsonsí
bakery, I ate vanilla ice cream with Nestles Quick on it, I ate spice cake, I
ate popcorn, I ate boiled chicken with macaroni, I drank a two liter bottle of
Dr Pepper, for lunch I had a jumbo, 8oz burger with fat fries and then for
dinner, I ate a turkey sandwich on wheat (because Iím on a diet). I drank 4 ounces of water in the three days until last night.
Now, I can tell you why
it was for you, or why Iím pretending it was.
I can tell you how this really affects your body, or at least mine.
I now have very little energy and Iím really sluggish.
The verve Iíd had from the Body Flex is gone and Iím dragging around
like slug. I am totally, utterly constipated and may need more than a
fiber pills and a few gallons of water to fix that one. I found myself (gulp) craving water last night.
My body really wanted it, so I snagged a bottle.
My insides feel jittery, greasy and yucky.
I feel like Iím going to fall over in a sugar coma at any second.
I ate totally out of control, on a rampage.
I did my Body Flex this morning and I could really feel how much weaker I
was since I was out of practice. I
donít like how this feels and I do like how I felt when I was eating right,
drinking my water and exercising.
Every day last week, I
walked the kids to the park and played with them and when I mapped it out, I
found that the distance was exactly a mile, so taking them can give me a good
brisk walk, pushing kids and playing at the park as well.
Iíve decided to Body Flex every morning and then Iíll do something
else, Body Flex, Yoga or running, in the evenings.
My body is wanting to do something else for variety, but I want to keep
the oxygenation going and the isometrics. After
another month or so, Iím hoping to give the Callanetics Demon another shot.
It feels pretty good, so Iím running to catch up to the wagon and
jumping on again.
Sorry I havenít
written. Believe me, it was lack of
opportunity that got in the way and not lack of motivation.
Night before last, Eric
actually, off-handedly, said that he thought my ass looked smaller.
(score!) Iíve been doing
the Body Flex faithfully and have gone to 5 reps of each exercise position and
doing the skipped breath routine. I
also hold the exhale for a count of 10. Tried 12, but couldnít make it. Ran
out of air. I do it twice a day and now that I know the techniques, it
takes me about 12 minutes a time. Iíd
been lurking on the Body Flex support board, reading some really great results
from other people. Lots of inches
were being lost. I did my
techniques and didnít watch what I was eating as closely as I should. I had ice cream. I
had cookies. I even had some real
soda (not much, just a glass). Joe
called today and said they received the box, so I got my old measurements from
10 days ago and took some new ones. I
was disappointed that I only lost a Ĺ inch on my waist, NOTHING on my upper
abs, lower abs and things BUT (butt?) I lost (better sit down, kids) TEN INCHES
around my hips and lower belly (my lower belly is nowhere near my lower abs).
YOWZER!! Thatís in ten
days!! I KNOW the measurements are
right because I measured twice today and remember being freaked when I measured
my hips last time (biggest part of me) and noting that my tape measure only went
to 60Ē and my hips and lower belly measured 59Ē.
Another box of cookies and Iíd be off the tape!
Shit! But today, the same
area was only 40Ē. I am here to
tell ya that this stuff works! NOW Iím going to do it WITH the running every day or two
and WITH the careful eating and get this knocked out.
Because my waist is still the same, my clothes all still fit and because
they are stretchy, they are loose in the butt and upper thighs, but snap back
pretty well. My night gowns are
longer than they were before, however. I
also noticed when I was going out about 3-4 nights ago that the long denim
jacket I grabbed wrapped really far around me where it had a few months ago only
been a little big. Wow.
It really feels good. If
youíre going for the fast results, give it a try.
Another thing I have
found for those people interested in the prescription drug, Xenical.
[Xenical is a fat binding drug. How
is works is that when you eat a food that is high in fat, it only allows your
body to absorb a certain amount of it, then flushes the rest out of your body
via VERY loose stools Ė Eric calls it the ďshit your pants dietĒ because
the propaganda says, well, Iíll just quote it, ďSince
XENICAL blocks about one third of the fat in the food you eat, you may
experience gas with oily discharge, increased bowel movements, an urgent need to
have them and an inability to control them, particularly after meals containing
more fat than recommendedĒ Give me more of that!] Anyway,
I found from a recommendation in the EXCELLENT book ďWomenís Bodies,
Womenís WisdomĒ by Dr Christiane Northrup, a supplement called Chitosan.
It is derived from shell fish and is a fiber supplement that dose the
same thing as Xenical but at a much lower price and naturally without chemical
supplementation. I took it for a
week, thought it wasnít doing anything, then Saturday night, at a huge plate
of Lasagna. I was up all through
the night with diarrhea and cramps and gas.
Then, the next day, we took the kids to Pizza Hut and I had about 4
pieces of pepperoni with extra cheese and about 3 really good cheesy bread
sticks and within just a couple of hours, I had the same problem again.
THATís when I realized the Chitosan (shitosan?) was doing its job.
Itís quite distasteful, I suppose, but itís great incentive to watch
what you eat! During the week, when
I was watching the fat content of my food even half-heartedly, I was fine.
As soon as I went nuts, it kicked in.
March 15th, 2001
Some great sites:
I found a decent support group site if anyone decides to give the Body Flex system a try. It's at Body Flex Support
There is also an advanced form of Body Flex available on this site: The Skipped Breath
A really great personal journal to visit is WitchyMom's Weight Loss Journal. It is a very enlightening and motivating from an educationally sound point of view. Her candid and intelligent insight into the world of weight loss will spark instant identification for those on the same path.
Another cool site is Fit Day.com. There you can chart your weight loss, calculate your calories burned, calories eaten and see where you stand nutritionally on a daily basis compared to the USDA recommendations.
Hope you enjoy some of these!
March 15th, 2001
I was thinking lately
about how many of my memories are dictated by the food involved.
I can remember very nearly every birthday in terms of the cake or ice
cream that was there. I remember my
first cookie dough ice cream was at my thirtieth birthday.
My first ice cream cake from Dairy Queen was my 28th birthday.
My mom ALWAYS made spice cake for my birthday until I left home and it
was and is my favorite cake ever. Ice
cream was always vanilla/chocolate ripple, until the cookie dough discovery.
Many formal buffets are in my memory with steamship round, baked chicken,
a wonderful green bean/almond/onion dish from the George AFB NCO Club.
That takes me to a joke
that clearly provides the hallmark for my life. ďHow does a fat person give a lost driver directions?Ē
ďOK, you go down to Burger King and make a left.
Keep driving past Wendyís, Pizza Hut and Dennyís and youíll see a
Dairy Queen on the right. Turn
The best Italian
restaurant is Roboís, a second floor tiny hole in the wall on Guam.
The most expensive restaurant Iíve ever eaten at is The Saltzburg
Chalet, also on Guam. The best pizza Iíve ever had was from the roach infested
NCO Club take out on Guam. That
club also had the best Mongolian BBQ known to man BUT a little place called
North China on Bear Valley Road in Hesperia, California has the best fried
biscuits to go with their Mongolian. The
second best pizza in the world is from a little Pizza Hut in Beaver Dam,
Kentucky, just past the Middle School and High School.
Next to the High School is the best hamburger youíll ever have, which
is a true Dairy Queen brazier burger. The
second best burger is at a little dive in Alamogordo, New Mexico called (get
ready) ďBeaverís Hidee HoĒ and the burger is the size of a dinner place.
Alamo also has the best steak ever, being the T-bone at K-Bobís (I want
to say 10th street, but I could be wrong).
As you walk into K-Bobís, make a left and the third booth on the left
is where I had my first taste, oh so reluctantly, of medium rare steak, having
been a committed medium well person. At
the insistence of some guy named Scott, I took a bite and never went back. The best fish and chips is a little van that went around town
on Bentwaters Air Base in England. The
best sourdough bread is at a now dead restaurant on Bear Valley Road
(back to Bear Valley) in Apple Valley, California (as you go down Bear
Valley, one side of the road is the town of Apple Valley and the other is
Hesperia Ė In fact, I read that Hesperia is the town that inspired the hit U-2
song, ďWhere the Streets Have No NameĒ because the development of it was so
long that there werenít street signs for a long time) called Jack Williams,
which was a buffet. The best ham steak on earth is at a little family run
restaurant called ďAndrewsí Family DiningĒ on Palmdale in Victorville.
The best fries (sorry, McDís) on at Richieís on Bear Valley Road
(again). The best chicken pot pie
is at a place called ďElmerísĒ on Fairview in Boise, Idaho.
It comes in a cute little crock with a croissant crust that is to
absolutely die for. The best Mexican food is a chain called Chapalla in Boise,
Idaho. The worst soft freeze ice
cream is on Air Base Road just outside of Mountain Home, Idaho at a Dairy Queen
where the ice cream seems to ALWAYS taste spoiled.
The best BBQ chicken is at a tiny shack called The Black Kettle in
Owensboro, Kentucky. The best fudge
Iíve ever had came from Circus, Circus in Las Vegas. The best Polynesian chicken comes from the Tigerís
something right outside of The Enchanted Tiki Room in Disneyland.
The best soup in the world is the baked potato soup at Black Angus.
I could go on like this
for hours, but you get the picture.
By the way, the attractive woman who was working with my husband quit after one day. Funny how that works, isnít it? ;)
Dr Phil's Life Law #4:
"You cannot change what
you do not acknowledge." I weigh exactly 220 pounds off the carpet on
a hard surface and 216 on the carpet. I did it! Enough with the fear
already! I will not be intimidated by my own weight!
I finished up the Body
Flex book. I disagree with her
eating plan and feel it would be way too restrictive for the average weight loss
seeking person. She documents an
incredible weight and inch loss, but also says that she had started severely
restricting calories as well, so I donít believe that her loss can be
attributed to Body Flexing alone. Given
that, I think itís wrong of her to tell people that they can have the same
results without changing their eating habits.
HOWEVER, I feel the methods she demonstrates are wonderful. Not only does the increased oxygen make one feel MUCH better,
but the stretches and isometrics are definitely doing something for my body.
I stopped running and yogaíing for the two weeks I was trying the Body
Flex program because I wanted to test out the Body Flex on its own.
Itís much more time efficient for me to do fifteen minutes in the
morning and fifteen at night than the 30+ minutes it took me to run or do the
I measured last Friday,
which means that I compare measurements tomorrow to see how many Iíve lost.
My fat belly beard seems smaller and some pants (stretchy ones even!) are
fitting more loosely. Iíve not
been a food nazi about what I eat, so thatís really good news.
Iíve been making wise food choices, but Iíve also had times that I
wanted ice cream so I had a small bowl of ice creams, wanted a cookie so I had a
cookie. Granted, that was not every
minute of every day like before, but Susan Powter I was not.
I can feel my food wants changing, which is good.
Last night, Eric and I had a bit of a tiff and after lying in bed and
fuming until 10pm, I finally realized sleep was not cominí a courtiní, so I
got up and did a GH Journal entry and a few surveys.
Instead of a bag of chips, I had air popped popcorn.
Instead of cookies, I had a fat apple (I guess that would be a nonfat
apple). I felt satisfied and nondeprived. In fact, the choices came pretty automatically.
Our tiff was about a way that I felt he had slighted me (he sort of did,
but I blew it out of proportion, blah, blah, blah) and that is my FAVORITE time
to eat. Not only to I get to
fulfill the ďpoor me, Iím so empty inside, I need to nurture with foodĒ
demon, but I get to dance with the ďyouíre going to be mean to me, check out
who deserves a fat wifeĒ vengeance imp. Itís
a dysfunctional hoedown. The cool
thing is that I didnít fall over into that during or after the tiff.
It didnít even cross my mind to eat and I call that progress.
(homicide was there, but not eating!!)
Progress is good.
I also started filling
up the little almost 17 oz Sparklettís sports bottles with water and putting
them through the house where I know Iíll be.
One is on my desk, one in the kitchen, one by my bed on the nightstand
and that has SERIOUSLY increased my water intake. I can just squirt a huge gulp into my mouth without thinking
about it or taking time to taste it even. Iím
going through 4-5 of those bad boys a day like that!
Also started back on my chromium picolinate, garcinia cambogia and
chitosan yesterday, full boat. I was half-assing the doses, kind of catch as catch can, and
wasnít feeling the good effects as much.
But back to the Body
Flex book. As I mentioned in a
previous entry, I think it is the absolute obligation of anyone who holds
themselves out as a weight loss guru to include before and after pictures of
themselves in their propaganda. She
didnít and lost points for that. But
again, so far, I advocate the system. I
just thing SHEíS a ditz. She
seems like typical snooty yuppie fare.
So I measured last
Friday, wrote down the measurements in the book on the nice little chart she
provided and tried to forget the numbers so as not to be overly depressed about
it. I finished the book, offered to
a friend who didnít seem very into it (but was wonderfully pleased that it
worked for me cause sheís my bud) and didnít reply to the part of the e-mail
where I offered it to her. I
figured it just wasnít her deal, so I tossed the book into a box I was sending
to my son in Canada. I thought
Sandra, my daughter-in-law, would really be into something that works with such
a minimal time investment since she is working overtime these days to pay off
bills from the wedding, etc. (Plus,
the friend I offered it to is local, so if I misread or she changes her mind, I
can show her the techniques, save her Greer Childersí condescending diatribe
and have an excuse to get together and have out quarterly chick-talk meeting
: ř ) I taped up that
sucker with a few other things and promptly was raped by the US Postal Service
to send that bad boy to Canada. Needless
to say, my long forgotten measurements are somewhere between here and the Maple
Leaf, hence the ďDoh!Ē that started the entry.
Thank God I paid the extra 4 bucks to put the faster heave ho on it
getting there. So it looks like I
wonít know my progress until Monday or so (intense frown). Dammit.
Kids are going mad with
grief that I am not within six inches of their personal space, so Iíd better
cut this short. I have been mulling
over an idea for another entry that you will no doubt see later, probably at
their nap time. Meanwhile, cover
me, Iím going into the Mommy trenches.
Sorry I havenít
journaled in a while. If you read
my NonSoapy Journal, youíll know that Iíve been everything from sick to poor
to under water. I think about you
guys all day, but havenít had a chance to sit down in the quiet and write for
a long while.
Iíve been doing very
well. I got a book called ďBe a
LoserĒ on Body Flex
and have been body flexing twice a day since last Monday. I can feel the endurance building, which is nice.
Itís a fairly easy work out that promises big results.
Weíll see. Iíve been
combing the net for positive and negative input on it.
The only negative Iíve found is from people who were already fit (no
troubles there for me!) on the book reviews on Amazon.com and from people who
hadnít tried the techniques and were only criticizing and taking info out of
context. One complaint that I have
to endorse is that there are no before and after pictures for the Linda Evans
look alike who developed this technique and claims she went from a whopping size
16 (Iíd pay fat cash to be a size 16) to a 4 in something like ten minutes
using these techniques. She on HSN
touting this stuff all the time and people are swearing by it, so I figured
Iíd be no worse off for it if I gave it a try for a couple of weeks.
This is starting week #2, but I didnít measure until Friday, so Iím
going to see where things stand (or fall) on this Friday.
Bad things about the book besides the no before pictures include the way
she talks about people who are size 12-14 as though they are mountains and acts
like being a size 3-4 is a natural state. I
think I WAS 3-4 the last time I was a 3-4.
When I was a size 9-10, I was totally anorexic looking.
I donít remember seeing any testimonials from people who were over a
16-18. Another thing that is rather
annoying is that while she maintains that you do NOT have to change your diet to
get great results, she was already on a killer low calorie diet when she started
doing her thing. Sheís big on
totally eliminating red meat and dairy and getting down to only veggies and
chicken. I donít mind cleaning up
my act a bit on my food choices, taking down the refined sugar and flour to
practically nothing, switching to diet sodas, drinking the water, eating the
veggies, etc, but Iím not ready to go totally monkish like she recommends.
Iíll be sure and let you know what the measurements show on
Friday. It was most disconcerting
to see how far that tape measure can go. Needless
to say, the numbers were higher and not lower than I expected.
One thing she does say
that is of interest is that you should throw out your scale and that it is a
device of the devil, that itís how big you are in inches and how you look that
is the important thing, not how much you weigh. I must agree with that (this has nothing to do with my
continued refusal to weigh off of carpet and know how big I really am, so stop
thinking that it does). If I am
running and the muscle is building in my legs and I see that I have made no
progress in pounds loss after a couple of weeks (because I traded in fat for
heavier muscle tissue), then I will be the first to get discouraged and drown
myself in ice cream. Iím just
going to keep doing the best I can, making those baby step changes and trying to
live healthier, hoping that will take me to where I need to go.
Maybe Iíll weigh in a month or so and see where I am.
Right now, Iím sticking with Mr Tape Measure.
Hang in there, everyone!
March 5th, 2001
Hey. I just wanted to tell you guys that I'm doing well, feeling smaller and healthy and hanging with the diet and exercise. My computer time has been minimal and technical duty at EOS has eaten it to the point that I haven't had much journal time. I hope to remedy that soon, tomorrow if all goes well. Everything is good. All of you hang in there!
March 1st, 2001
Things are still really great. I had a wonderful running day yesterday and again, got past the 3.5. In fact, I started out at 3.5mph and got up to 4.3 mph in my intervals! I'm starting my period for the first time since I had my tubal ligation in December of 99 (I'm a nursing mom, so no periods until he's old) and was feeling yuck, so I didn't eat any dinner. Around 9pm, I got a HARD craving for french bread and a *real* Dr Pepper. I scrounged around in the kitchen to make a salad and then a thought, you know? Screw it! And I went and got the DP and French Bread. It was sooooo good and I was still within my calorie range. I woke up with a migraine, probably from the sugar and caffeine, but it went away pretty quickly. Eric and I both woke up late, so he had to scurry out the door without watching the kids while I ran, so I will be sure and do the yoga video tonight. That will be kinder on my menstruating body any way. The first one after so long is usually a beast, but this one has been very kind. I plan to return the favor. I am convinced that the exercising has made my body healthier so that the period isn't hard. Granted, it's only been 4 days in a row, but I feel a lot healthier and my endurance is building so fast!
My friend, Mystic, sent me this wonderful piece that I wanted to share with you. Mystic is a great source of inspiration with me as she works through her own fatastic journey and she always sends me cool stuff:
you have such a pretty face; if only you would lose the weight."
"You just have a large bone structure, dear; some people are born thin, some are born fat."
"Wow, you have lost so much weight; you seem so different, so much happier now."
"I'll love you whether you are fat or thin, but it would be sort of nice if you lost the weight."
People say things all the time because they mean well. Sometimes we take what they say at face value and sometimes we read between the lines, but when we hear judgments or characterizations of WHO we are, it is natural to feel either hopelessness and lethargy, or anger and rebellion.
If someone characterizes us or judges us by our weight, our natural response, unconscious or not, might be to feel hurt and angry and want to `show them' that we are significant and whole whether we are fat or thin, so we stay fat just to "show" them. We may not consciously say to ourselves, "Oh, yah, you can't tell me what to be or who I am inside, I'll show you!", but we may very well feel it on subconscious level and manifest it by staying fat or by regaining weight we have lost.
If someone we care about tells us they will love us no matter what, yet we are not truly happy with ourselves or where we are in life, our response might be to make sure they are telling us the truth, and that we are in fact worthy of love whether we are fat or thin. We might unconsciously say, "Then I'll keep on the extra weight and see if you really mean what you say." By keeping on the extra weight, we can make sure that they stay with us or love us because of who we are, not what we look like, and therefore prove our true value as a person. If someone we care about leaves us, we can also prove that we were right, that the extra weight did in fact make us unworthy.
So by proving others right (or wrong for that matter), who are you hurting? How is it serving you? I was talking to a woman recently in my town who said she was so mad at her co-workers because when she lost weight on a diet, all her co-workers suddenly listened to her ideas, and she was furious with them that they had a different view of her as thin, somehow smarter and more authoritative (her perception). So, she gained the weight back in order to prove that they were wrong since she was just as smart when she was overweight. Then someone else commented to her, "Maybe you exuded a confidence you didn't have before; maybe you felt good about being thin, and that is what they saw." And look who she hurt by gaining the weight back. Did it hurt her co-workers? No. Not really. They still had the same smart woman they worked with who contributed good ideas. Did it hurt her? Yes. She was unhappy with herself, and how she felt about herself ≠ still.
So, don't cut off your nose to spite your face. You don't need to prove anything to anyone. When you decide you want to do this, you are doing it for yourself, and you alone. People are going to say things no matter what. It is part of life. My parents' friends knew me as an overweight teenager and when I return home for visits and I run into one of their friends, it is a given that one of them will say, "My, you have lost so much weight!" It is hilarious to me now, because they say this every single time I see them, pretty much for about 15 years (and I have been the same weight every time with the exception of pregnancy). At first I wasn't sure how to take it, thinking they had this fat image of me in their head they could not shake. Then I realized that it really didn't matter what they thought. What mattered was that I was happy inside, I was the weight I wanted to be, I was happy with my family and friends and my life, and that the choices I make have nothing to do with what people expect of me, they have to do with what I want for me. This is not selfishness ≠ it is being true to yourself. If you want to be thin, then choose thin. Ignore the comments, forgive people for saying things that hurt you, communicate your feelings as you need to, but you are in charge of YOU.
Here are some affirmations that may be helpful to some of you:
"I, _____, choose to be thin for me, and me alone."
"The joy of being happy with who I, ____, am inside emanates from my body and touches all those around me."
"I, _____, no longer have to prove others right or wrong about my weight since I am in charge of my own body."
"It is easy for me, _____, to forgive others for well-meaning and non-well-meaning comments."
"I, _____, am the me I want to be right now ≠ whole, loveable, loving, and capable."
Very nice stuff, folks!