As a fan of General Hospital, I
feel I should show my appreciation to the characters by giving them all
something special for Valentine’s Day. I thought for a long time about
what to get the residents of Port Charles, because I wanted to give them
things they really could use. Some gifts are material in nature and some
are acts of kindness on my part because that’s just the great person I am
(and humble, too).
The Spencer Family
For Lucky Spencer: A lock for his room above Kelly’s. Now that he finally
has a girlfriend with boobs, he should be able to enjoy her without
interruption. I’ll just bet that Summer is quite a handful.
For Bobbie Spencer: An affair with a younger man. Of course, GH would have
to get a nice selection of younger men on the show, first. Currently the
only “young man” on the show she’s not related to by blood or previous
marriage is Zander, right? She needs a beefcake buffet!
For Luke Spencer: Laura Spencer. Need I say more?
For Lulu Spencer: Parents.
Lucas Spencer: An existence. Have they even referred to him lately?
The Cassadine Family (the two who are left)
For Nikolas Cassadine: A free membership to the Hair Club For Men and an
attitude adjustment. The guy needs to lighten up. No wonder he’s losing
For Alexis Davis: A “do-over.” Let’s just go back, and pretend the last 4
months did not happen to her.
The Quartermaine Family
For Lila Quartermaine: A dress of precious gems. Maybe then the morons in
charge would understand how precious, and priceless, she is to us.
For Edward Quartermaine: A high colonic. He just seems to need a good
For Alan Quartermaine: A meaningful purpose to his life. He doesn’t really
seem to have one and he seems like the kind of person who could thrive
with one. This would have to begin with what’s known as “a storyline.”
For Monica Quartermaine: A heartfelt connection to family. Has she ever
had one of these? She’s always at odds with everyone. She should join a
New Age cult for a while and turn all hippie chick. Kum-Ba-Ya, Mon-I-Ca!
For Ned Quartermaine: A career in pornography. He could direct pornos.
After his encounters with Faith, I think he might be a natural at this.
For A.J. Quartermaine: A year in The Winner’s Circle. A year, during
which, he can do no wrong, reaches the highest heights, gleams like a
golden boy and is truly happy.
For Skye Quartermaine-Jax: True love. She needs a guy who knows what she’s
all about, wouldn’t change a thing and loves every bit of her, flaws and
all. In other words, not Jax. (Coleman, anyone?)
For All The Quartermaines: Sitting lessons. They never seem to sit and
talk. They always stand and yell. I bet their feet hurt. I’ll throw in
some Dr. Scholl’s Gel Inserts, too, for while they’re in training. I doubt
they’ll be sitting a lot right away. They’ll probably have to build up to
The Corinthos Family (and stray)
For Sonny Corinthos: A night of passion. Not with Carly, though. He gets
plenty of those. I was going to say with me. Although I’m sure he’d
thoroughly enjoy that, I want to give him what he really wants, a night of
passion with Jason. With full nipple access, too!
For Carly Corinthos: Anger management classes. While this might seem more
appropriate a gift for Sonny, at least all he does is break stuff. Carly
devastates her entire life and everyone in it every time she loses it and
goes running off in a tizzy. Oh, and some new whore blouses, too.
For Michael Corinthos: A heavy-duty dust buster. He needs this to use on
the living room couch periodically, so he won’t cut himself on all the
shards of broken glassware that must be down in that thing. Safety first!
Mike Corbin: A winning lottery ticket.
Jason Morgan (the stray): The night of passion with Sonny, of course! And
then, a life of his own.
Courtney Whatever-Her-Last-Name Is: A long term contract on “As The World
Turns,” because I don’t watch that show.
And The Rest
For Felicia Scorpio-Jones: Tony. I always thought they had good chemistry
so, why not?
For Maxie & Mini: A chance to grow on us, slowly, so that we care what
happens to them when they get actual storylines. Also, I’d like them to
have an original storyline, not a recycled Liz/Lucky/Sarah story.
For Mac Scorpio: A case solved, a crook caught, a hot babe and lots of
For Elizabeth Webber: Jason and Ric on a leash. Why choose? Variety is the
spice of life.
For Audrey Webber: An Uzi, a grassy knoll and a clear shot at Bob Guza.
For Scotty Baldwin: A good “non-Laura related” storyline. He needs one and
besides, I already gave away the free membership to the Hair Club For Men.
For Marcus Taggert: A hot front burner storyline with lots of intrigue,
action and lust. I know it’s too late, but I can still dream.
For Gia Campbell: A pack of pocket tissues (with aloe vera), so she can
tend to that permanently sweaty upper lip.
For Cameron Lewis: Cable television. I’m sure he doesn’t have it or he
wouldn’t spend so much time trying to live vicariously through others.
For Zander Smith (Lewis): Self-worth. I don’t think he has any and that is
so sad. On the good side, his character seems to be the only one who has a
story that has been written well and has unfolded well. So far, anyway.
For Elton (Herbert?): A long-term contract and the opportunity to plan a
wedding that actually happens.
For Jasper Jax: Medical attention. For when Skye kicks him to the curb and
for when Coleman kicks his ass.
For Brenda Morgan: Enjoyment of her own company, so she can exist,
happily, without constantly needing a man in her life.
For Leticia and Reginald: A romantic cruise getaway.
For Ric Lansing: A point, already. Besides looking good, that is.
For Coleman: Skye. But not before I “let” him spend a romantic month or so
with me. I’ll even buy a pool table. Hubba-hubba-hubba!
For Everyone Else (Faith, Lesley, Amy, etc,…): A Whitman’s Sampler. Hey, I
can only do so much.
And To My Fellow Fans: A Happy