1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta
primavera at Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a
day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your
ass.
2) Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Bodie, Ovine, Luther Ray, Tammy
Lynn, Darla Beth, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.), or we will just HAVE
to kick your ass.
3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here it's
called Coke. Nobody gives a flying damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper,
7-Up or whatever-it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an
ass kicking.
4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g.,Welty,
Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer.
Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies, or we'll kick your ass.
5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of FedEx,Turner
Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do, sometimes, have
small lapses in judgment (e.g., Carter, Edwards, Duke, Barnes, Clinton). We
don't care if you think we are dumb. We are not dumb enough to let someone
move to our state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that,
we would kick their ass.
6) Don't laugh at our Civil War
monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg
instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond
instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the
carving, we'll kick
your ass.
7) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up. Just
spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we'll kick your ass.
8) Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know
that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended-with gravy. And
don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass.
9) Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get
your ass kicked.
10) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know
better. Many of us have visited Northern shit holes like Detroit, Chicago, and
DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is
ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it gets kicked.
11) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we
don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we
are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's
all that matters. Now, go away and leave us alone, or we'll kick your ass.
12) Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes or
rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we'll
kick your ass all the way
back to Boston Harbor.
13) Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold doors
open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are
expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little grey-haired
grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your ass just like they did
ours.
14) So you think we're quaint or losers because most of us live in the
countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy,
smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or Newark. Make fun of our
fresh air, and we'll kick your ass.
15) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and tell us how to cook
barbecue. This will get your ass shot (right after it is kicked). You're
lucky we let you come down here at all. Criticize our barbeque, and you will
go home in a pine box-minus your ass.