“Yo-Ho-Ho And A Bottle Of Dumb!”

Ever since Luke and Laura went in search of the Ice Princess twenty-something years ago, GH has had to always have a quest or wacky caper going on, like it’s the show’s destiny, especially when it comes to Luke.  Usually, it’s just Luke and two or three other characters, but now it’s even worse.  Half the damn cast, at least, is in on the whole wacky quest scenario and it is just stupid. 

“The Dead Man’s Hand” story was idiotic beyond words, so I won’t even try to write the words to describe it. 

We make it through that and now here comes The Treasure.  Good grief. It’s bad enough that the writers have made this show all serious, violent, mobster stuff like “The Godfather” or “Goodfellas,” but who in the complete hell thought it was a good idea to do this “Goonies” crap? It’s better than the mob only because it’s not the mob and so far, Sonny’s the only member of the Fab Four to be sucked into it.  Meanwhile, Nikolas and Emily are killing me slowly with all their pirate stories and I’m not even watching that.  I saw the first minute of the Constance and Barnacle Bill story and said, “Oh, hell no.  Fast-forward button, don’t fail me now!”  It is so bad, it just hurts me to know it’s even there as the images go whizzing by at high speed.  

As I mentioned, the only good thing about The Treasure is that it isn’t The Mob.  We are actually getting to see other characters besides the Fab Four during all of this.  Yeah, the Penthouse Posse still hogs about 75 percent of the show, but at least that’s down from 80 percent, huh?  I just wish the rest of the cast could do something that I care about for their 25 percent amount of shared time.  I would love to see some, uh, what are those called?  Oh, yeah, “stories.”  Hey, maybe the ROTC (Rest Of The Cast) could go on a wacky quest for some stories?  Forget this treasure business. 

I do not care about The Treasure.  I didn’t care about the search in Russia last spring for “The Cassadine Coins” and I didn’t care about “The Dead Man’s Hand, either. 

I wonder what’s next?  Maybe the ROTC could go looking for “The Goose That Lays The Golden Eggs?”  Or how about, “The Pot Of Gold At The End Of The Rainbow?”  They could do that for St. Patrick’s Day and Nikolas and Emily could read stories and imagine that they used to be magical leprechauns.  The possibilities for insipid, insulting, unwatchable mediocrity are endless! 

“Luke Finds A Genie In A Bottle!”

They could hire Genie Francis back for this.  She deserves the opportunity to work some magic on Port Charles, and I’d love to see “The Powers That Be” rub Genie, and her fans, the right way for a change.  I wonder what Luke’s three wishes would be? 

“Jax, Sam And The Temple Of Doom!”

Hey, maybe they’d get sacrificed. 

“Port Charles:  The Brotherhood Of The Ring”

I have no idea what this would be about, the writers would just have to write this as they go along, with no real plan in mind, you know, unlike now. 

“Kelly’s Diner:  The Secret Portal to HELL!”

The portal could be used to explain why some characters go missing.  It could be in the bathroom.  Gia, for instance, could have disappeared in there when she went to pee.  At least it’s something. 

“Courtney’s New Car:  Herbie The Love Bug.”

This really does need to happen because, when it comes to driving, Courtney needs all the help she can get.  Then when she’s not driving, Herbie could putter around town, meeting people and helping them with their personal problems. 

“Jason’s Invisible Giant Rabbit Friend, Harvey.”

Now how cute would that be?  Jason would have a friend to stare and blink with. 

“Mikey Goes To Hogwarts.”

Then they kick his ass right back out again. 

“Carly Gets A Whore Blouse—A Haunted Whore Blouse!”

Whenever Carly wears her haunted whore blouse, she could transform into a woman who actually is strong and brave and suddenly has really, big boobs.  Of course that means she can’t stand very close to Bobbie when she speaks to her, at least not straight on, face-to-face.  There would just be too much between them to overcome.  Heh-heh-heh.   

“Damian Lansing – The Apocalypse Begins.”

Liz could have a “Rosemary’s Baby” type of pregnancy and her son would be, you got it, the son of Satan (in a short-term, guest appearance).  What zany fun that would be!  If the show fires about six people, then maybe they could afford to get Jesus, too!  I know, I know, they already have Jason, but it’s just not the same. 

“Lucky And The Really Big One-Eyed Monster.”

Kind of speaks for itself, huh? 

“Alexis Gets A Storyline.”

Wait.  Just forget I even mentioned that.  That is so fantastical and unlikely and OUT THERE, I don’t know what I was thinking.  Silly me!  **snort** 

“Beeeee Gooooood, Dil-lon.”

Dillon finds a really cute, wrinkly extraterrestrial in the Quartermaine’s backyard and he hides it in his closet, names it “Brando” and has a lot of wacky, close calls with stupid grownups who work for the government. 

“Sonny And The Lost Island Of Cannibal, Amazon Women”

Don’t worry, it is Sonny we’re talking about and I’m sure, after the Amazon Women are mesmerized by what’s become known on the Internet as the “Magic Penis,” their cannibalistic natures will change to that of the oral pleasure variety.  Sonny will give them all jewelry, yell at them some and then send them to their rooms.  Each morning he can awake to freshly squeezed orange juice and thousands of females chanting, “You’re a good man, Sonny.  You’re a good man, Sonny.” 

Wow, I hope TPTB read this column.  Based on what the show has been like recently, these are some really good ideas!  I am beaming with pride.  I wonder if this is how the writers feel after they’ve taken all of five minutes to turn turds into words?  Cool.  And they get paid for that, too. 

I hope the writers are given their own wacky quest to go on soon.  They could call it “Forced To Seek Employment Elsewhere.” 

Now that would be a show I’d watch.