“The Shot Heard ‘Round Port Charles!”

Well, folks, I don’t know what to say.  It’s been two months since I’ve written a column and there’s a good reason for that.  I haven’t watched the show regularly for two months.  There are some whole weeks I’ve watched, but then there are just as many that I only caught bits and pieces of here and there.  I have sat down to write a column every week and every week I am speechless.  This show is so bad to me right now that I am just amazed.  It seems to be on an upswing, but I’m not even sure why I think that. 

I think I got my hopes up too much when I read the spoilers about Sonny shooting Carly in the head.  I just knew that would be the beginning of the end for them and, since the show primarily focuses on them, their separation would have to change the show in some way, right?  It would be the shot heard ‘round Port Charles. 

When Sonny fired that shot, I did a dance of joy.  Yeah, that’s sick, but I was all set and ready for the Sonny/Carly breakup.  I was ecstatic.  When Carly started dreaming of Lorenzo in her alternate reality, I was glued to the screen.  I think those two characters have great chemistry together and I could hardly wait until she woke up and dumped Sonny’s ass.  Then her alternate reality started focusing on Sonny.  Why?  Like I needed more of that.  I fast-forwarded through the whole last part of that drivel. 

Then she woke up.  She had all of her memories, but she had no feelings for her loved ones for like two whole weeks (Pfft!).  Sonny, her husband who shot her in the head, gave her some candy.  Carly should have shoved those chocolates up his ass one by one, but I guess it’d be kind of hard to show that on network television so, hey, whatever. 

From the time Carly was shot, I was expecting three things: for S&C to break up, to see some really awesome dramatic acting from Maurice Benard and Tamara Braun and for all of this to play out fairly quickly, the way every other story has been rushed through on GH in the past two years (with the exception of the “Carly’s kidnapped” story). 

I think I’m only getting one out of the three. 

This has definitely not been fast.  I do think S&C are breaking up, but I am still waiting and the wait is excruciating.  As far as the awesome dramatic acting, sorry, I just don’t think it’s been there.  I’m still waiting for Sonny to clasp his hands to his face and scream in absolute horror over shooting his own wife in the head.  I don’t guess that’s really Maurice Benard’s fault, the writers apparently didn’t write that, but I still think he could have acted, you know, upset and horrified. 

As for Tamara Braun, I thought she did a really good job that first day or two when she came out of her coma.  Carly looked very confused and scared, which was just how she needed to look.  By about the third day, it was starting to be too much.  You know how on a wacky comedy show like “Gilligan’s Island” when Gilligan would look surprised, the actor, Bob Denver, would really overdo the “Uh-Duh” look and sometimes there’d be a funny “Boing” kind of noise?  Well, I think Tamara’s over-emoting could have used a few good “Boings.”  When Sonny, Courtney, Jason, Little Michael and Baby Morgan invaded Carly’s hospital room, Carly kept doing her “Uh-Duh/Boing” look so obviously, it was hilarious.  Then we get shots of Jason watching her, brows furrowing in deep thought, concern and suspicion that, “Gee.  Something’s not quite right with Carly.”  Boing!  Do ya think?  Meanwhile, no one else notices!  Only Jason is clever enough to “sense” the Boing. 

I don’t know if that should be blamed on bad acting, bad directing, bad writing or just my bad attitude (Yeah, probably that last one), but it definitely had an element of bad.  It was funny to me though, so I was still watching.   

In the few weeks that followed, it was “Sonny and Carly this” and “Sonny and Carly that,” always talking about “their love,” making me want to tear my hair out and I was gradually skipping more of each show.  When I read about all the “Sonny and Carly celebrate the holidays” spoilers for the week before and during Christmas, I didn’t watch them at all.  If I hadn’t read spoilers about Luke’s Christmas episode, I would have missed that entirely, too.  That episode was absolutely marvelous, by the way.  I watched it twice.  There wasn’t a Fab Four in sight. 

Then there is Jason and Courtney or “Journey” as they are called on the Internet, the other half of the Fab Four.  I actually really liked their wedding.  It was sweet and as I mentioned in some columns at that time, nobody died, got shot and nothing exploded and it’s always better for those things not to happen during a wedding.  However, they bored me before the wedding and they have bored me after the wedding. 

I am really not minding Courtney too much anymore.  I was very happy when this woman, who once made A.J. return a stolen plate to the Quartermaine household, finally decided that she had issues with her husband being a murderer.  I do not care that she knew that about him before she married him.  She has the right to change her mind any damned time she wants to and I am proud of her.  I do not see anything wrong with being against murder, regardless of who is being murdered.   

What I am disappointed in is Courtney’s lack of anger towards Jason.  She should be offended and completely pissed off.  The fact that she isn’t tells me she must have serious self-esteem issues.  Case in point, in August Courtney was kidnapped by Lorenzo Alcazar and held captive on his yacht.  She jumped off the boat and had a miscarriage in the process.  While Lorenzo isn’t responsible in so far as picking her up and throwing her overboard, he did kidnap her so, yes, I would say it’s logical to blame him for the death of Courtney and Jason’s unborn child. 

What is Jason’s reaction?  He was saddened by the loss of his child and saddened for Courtney’s sake, and he realized that she was in pain.  He even took her to The Island where he ended up helping her kick her two-day addiction to pain pills that, if gone unchecked, might have developed into a more serious three-day addiction.   

Meanwhile, Lorenzo’s walking around free because Jason decides to just “leave him to Sonny” to take care of.  Hello?  Leave him to Sonny?  So, Jason, the badass, hitman murderer felt no need whatsoever to kill the man who kidnapped his pregnant wife and ultimately caused her to miscarry.  

Well, alrighty then. 

Now, let’s fast forward through Journey to this past week (which I actually kind of did) and you find Carly being drawn to Lorenzo.  She goes for a walk through the park and runs into him, and then we see Jason’s disembodied head floating in the nearby trees watching them.  He realizes that Carly’s got the hots for Lorenzo.  Jason can’t have that so he kidnaps Lorenzo and sticks him in Ric’s old panic room where he proceeds to do nothing to Lorenzo of any consequence.  Is he leaving Lorenzo to Sonny like a late Christmas gift?  Does anyone really believe Sonny is going to kill Lorenzo?  Does anyone really believe Jason is going to kill Lorenzo?  Maybe Jason thinks the Tooth Fairy or Santa Claus will show up and take care of the problem for him?  What pisses me off, and should piss off Courtney when she finds out, is why, WHY, is it only now that Jason feels compelled to do anything to Lorenzo?  Courtney being kidnapped wasn’t enough and her miscarriage wasn’t enough.  Why is the idea of Carly having sex with Lorenzo the thing that sends Jason over the edge? 

Why didn’t Jason kill Lorenzo months ago? 

My husband is a mechanic (i.e., “ASE Certified Master Technician,” as they’re called nowadays) and when one of our vehicles breaks down, diagnosis and repair is really not that much of an issue because, hey, we’ve got a mechanic on the premises, in the family.  It’s the same thing with Jason.  His job is to kill Sonny’s enemies.  Did it take him this long to diagnose that Lorenzo is an enemy, not only of Sonny’s, but of Jason’s, too?  You would think this problem known as Lorenzo Alcazar would be incredibly easy to solve.  Mortal enemy arrives, needs to be killed and hey, how convenient, you just happen to be a hitman!  What’s the big deal?  Jason already has plenty of guns, ammo, plastic sheeting and duct tape in stock and I’m sure he knows all the best places to dump bodies, so what is holding him back? 

On behalf of Courtney, I am pissed and offended that Jason just really doesn’t seem to care for her that much and it doesn’t matter how many conversations they have about “their love,” I will not believe any differently.  Since I’ve endured over a year of these conversations, I feel pretty confident saying I will never be swayed on that issue. 

Speaking of Journey conversations, has anyone ever noticed that sometimes they don’t even look at each other?  It is just weird.  There was a scene back when Courtney was telling Jason she wanted to take the kids out of town (or sometime around then, at the penthouse) and out of danger while Carly was in a coma.  Normally, I would have fast-forwarded, but Courtney was making such sense, I was riveted.  Not once during that scene did Steve Burton and Alicia Leigh Willis make eye contact.  I have no idea what that means, but it’s probably not a good thing if you’re playing husband and wife. 

I think that stood out because that entire scene was done unedited, with no “cuts” to reaction shots or close-ups.  I just laughed and thought, “Yeah, get a load of that chemistry.”  Since then, I’ve noticed most of their scenes play like they aren’t even in the same room with each other.  We see Courtney, Jason arrives, then we see a close-up of her as she speaks, then we see a close-up of Jason as he speaks, etc.  I have truly wondered with some scenes if they even taped their dialogue together or just the shots of Jason arriving and then leaving.  Needless to say, I didn’t wonder this for long because to do so meant I had to watch Journey scenes and I…..just…..can’t. 

One thing I am thrilled about is I think some things are finally going to start going MY way about this show.  Maybe all those death threats I sent to The Powers That Be are finally paying off.  Er, I meant, “gentle letters of suggestion.”  Anyway, I think they might finally be taking notice.  Here are some of the things I am happy about: 

Sonny and Carly are breaking up!  Woo-hoo! 

Okay, I don’t know for sure that they are, but it sure is looking that way to me.  I am all for anything that does these two in as a couple, such as Carly and Lorenzo having sex and/or Sonny and Sam having sex.  I am not emotionally invested in either one of these couples yet, but Sonny or Carly committing adultery has just got to be a good thing.  I don’t care what they do as long as their D-I-V-O-R-C-E becomes final as soon as possible.     

I love the Skye and Luke scenes.  I don’t know what I’d think of them as a romantic couple, but I love them as friends.                                              

I love Tracy.

I love Jax and Tracy.  As with Skye and Luke, I don’t know if I’d go for a romantic Jax/Tracy pairing, but I love them as business partner/friends. 

I love Ric and I love Lorenzo.  I don’t care that they are psychos.  I just adore the actors in these roles.  They are both powerhouses and they always deliver in every scene.  I hope I get to see more and more of them, and I mean that in every conceivable way. 

I like Brian, but I mainly just like him because he’s not Jason.  What I’d really like to see would be Courtney getting involved with Lucky.  They live next door to each other above Kelly’s so that would be a fairly easy relationship to develop. 

I did get some laughs from a few things in the past couple of months.  They probably weren’t things I was really supposed to find funny, but I do what I can to find enjoyment.  There were also a lot of moments when I really truly wondered if the writers are smoking crack as they write this show. 

First of all, why is Sam nearly naked and wet every week?  Is the target audience for GH now fourteen-year-old boys?  I don’t think so.  I’m pretty sure the target audience is still just women, so why the hell do they think we all want to look at wet, naked Kelly Monaco?  I don’t get it.  Why aren’t Ric, Jax, Lorenzo, Lucky and Nikolas wet and naked all the time?  We could average at least one wet, naked man a day.  The people who write this show are truly stupid if they can’t get this basic concept. 

I did NOT watch most of Sonny’s trial.  I planned to.  I had the television on one day while I was taping it.  I usually do that and see little parts of the show as I go in and out of the room, carrying laundry or whatever.  I happened to walk in while Justus was questioning a witness.  Suddenly, Scotty the District Attorney just jumped up out of his seat, interrupted Justus and yelled out, “That’s enough of that.  I’ll take it from here.”  Then Scotty proceeded to start questioning the person on the stand.  Justus just kind of shrugged and sat back down, the judge said nothing and I was absolutely dumbstruck for a moment.   

When the defense is questioning someone, the prosecution can NOT just interrupt him or her and take over, or vice versa if the prosecution is doing the questioning.  It is just unheard of.  It is also incredibly stupid.  I sat staring at the screen for a moment with my mouth hanging open.  I already knew Sonny was not going to be convicted even though he shot an unarmed man four times in the chest at close range in front of police officers then kidnapped a woman at gunpoint, also in front of the police. 

Let’s look at that last sentence again, just for giggles: 

“I already knew Sonny was not going to be convicted even though he shot an unarmed man four times in the chest at close range in front of police officers then kidnapped a woman at gunpoint, also in front of the police.” 

After getting a glimpse at how the trial was being written, I knew I couldn’t watch it.  I knew it’d be better to pretend that it didn’t even happen.  In the past two months, GH has sunk to such low levels, I have found it better to take the show in small doses.  I can laugh at it more easily that way. 

So there you have it, a few things I’m loving, hating and hoping for about GH right now.  Yes, I am fast-forwarding through the majority of Sonny/Carly, Jason/Courtney, Courtney/Brian, Dillon/Sage, Nikolas/Emily and Jax/Sam scenes, but that still leaves about five minutes per show that I am regularly watching.  Shoot, last week, I think I watched almost three shows without fast-forwarding through more than half of each one.  That’s a good sign, though it does kind of leave me feeling scared and confused, like I’m awakening from some strange, alternate reality.