You Are Cordially Invited To Attend
(Lots of cussin’ and some spoiler mentions at the end)

Did you all receive your invitation to attend “General Hospital’s Cataclysmic Event?”  I did, a few weeks ago, and I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to make it or not.  Thoughtful person I am though, I did R.S.V.P. that I’d at least try to drop in, even with the instructions to “B.Y.O.F.E” (Bring Your Own Fire Extinguisher) and “G.Y.O.F.T.” (Get Your Own Fucking Treasure). 

I’m not sure who first called the burning of the Port Charles Hotel the “Cataclysmic Event,” or “CE,” as it’s abbreviated on the Internet.  I think it came from a soap magazine, probably from an interview with one of the show’s writers.  What I do know is that, since December, the CE has been all the rage on Internet message boards.  With promises from the show’s co-headwriters, Robert Guza and Charles Pratt, that this was going to “change everything on the canvas,” “nothing would be the same,” and “a bunch of major characters will boogie down with the Grim Reaper,” I was really looking forward to it.  Of course, I’m paraphrasing what Guza and Pratt have said, but I’m sure you all get the gist of it.  It’s the same crap spread on a different cracker. 

Still, what if it was a great party and I missed it?  Why, the Cataclysmic Event could be THE event of the year and how could I possibly miss that? 

Well, I went and even though, technically, it’s not over yet (I left early), I have to say it wasn’t too bad.  I wasn’t disappointed.  That’s probably because I didn’t get my hopes up.  I expected to be disappointed, so I wasn’t disappointed in being disappointed. 

Did that last sentence make sense at all?  If that statement befuddled you, then you’re now in the right frame of mind to discuss the nonsense, laughs and general confusion also known as the “CE.” 

First of all, let’s take a look at how this is going to supposedly “change everything on the canvas.”  During each week, of each month, the show is focused ad nauseum on The Fab Four (Sonny, Carly, Jason and Courtney).  An itsy, bitsy amount of time in comparison is spent on the ROTC (Rest Of The Cast).  Personally, I think that sucks and is the major reason the show is incredibly tedious to watch on any given day.  It’s too predictable since everything is about Sonny and Carly’s screwed up relationship, Jason the hitman is never wrong and always the hero and Courtney is the show’s Power Ranger, always running to the rescue in the most idiotic of circumstances. 

Now, what has changed about that? 

Not a damned thing. 

Based on the CE, everything is still focused on Sonny, Carly and their relationship.  These two were in more danger in that fire than all the other characters put together.  Getting caught in elevators, fighting, having debris fall on them, falling through floors, running through flames and so on.  I guess I should at least be happy that Carly hasn’t fallen down some stairs, but I’ll bet the writers considered it.  Sonny even made the most pathetic excuse for a declaration of love I’ve ever heard when he told Carly, who wasn’t even conscious at the time, that he loved her more than he’s ever loved anyone and that he hates her more than he’s ever hated anyone.  I’d kick my husband’s ass if he ever told me that, but that’s Sonny being all mentally deranged as usual.  So what’s changed here with these two?  Nothing that I can see. 

Jason is running around like Superman, rescuing everybody and yes, apparently hitmen know more about emergency rescue than trained policemen.  Jason is always right.  Jason is the hero.  Brian is just the moronic cop who doesn’t know crap about what to do in a fire and on GH, cops are the bad guys or the stupid guys (or both).  What’s changed about Jason?  Nuttin’, honey. 

Then Courtney, being the reliable little dumbass that she is, hears about the fire on the radio.  Knowing Jason is there, she goes to the hotel and runs into it to save him.  She saves an old person and goes back in to save the old person’s dog.  Later she saves Sonny, too.  I’m surprised she didn’t also save a bunch of nuns or some blind people or, better yet, some blind nuns.  Isn’t she just saintly?  Once again, what has changed here? 

Most everything was about Sonny and Carly running around looking for each other so they could make proclamations of love and hate in the same breath, Jason being better than cops, Jason saving children, Courtney using her superpowers to save the world and about me watching it all and feeling like I’m going to puke. 

Well, okay, I lied.  I didn’t watch it all.  I couldn’t watch it all.  Even some of the ROTC weren’t satisfying me. 

Nikolas and Emily?  Oh, please.  I was rooting for the chandelier to do that little twit in, then I was cheering Helena on in her attempts to assist Emily’s blood in its rapid escape from Emily’s body.   

Luke and Skye are great together as friends, but all this energetic overacting in regards to “The Treasure” is just getting on my nerves.  But kudos to both of the actors for basically acting out a live action cartoon on a daily basis.  Scooby Snack anyone? 

I am very disappointed that Alexis spilled her Baby Kristina secret to Carly.  I just don’t think that is in character for Alexis to do.  I think Alexis would rather have died than told Carly anything.  It also pissed me off that there was all that, “Sonny is a great dad” talk.  Since when?  Oh, I know.  This is just the writers beating me over the head with the same old, “Sonny is a good man” bullshit, but I’m not buying it.  I would really love to see the Baby Kristina paternity story happen, but I’m already bracing myself because, did you see it?  In that elevator, the writers just handed Alexis’s story over to Carly on a silver platter.  It will be all about Sonny.  It will be all about Carly.  Alexis will be lucky to be anything more than a supporting player if this story actually happens.  I guess we just can’t have one Emmy winning lady, who gets no screen time, showing up another, who gets all the screen time and still can’t decorate her own mantle with a similar piece of golden accolade.  It just wouldn’t be fittin’! 

Besides, Alexis is over 40, so fuck her. 

I did love seeing Tracy and Helena interact for 20 seconds at a time here and there.  Now that’s one hell of a story there just waiting to happen, but one actress is over 50 and the other is over 60, so fuck them, too.  Who needs a good story anyway? 

I really wasn’t intending to say “fuck” in this column, but the Muse Of Fuck has struck and there’s no turning back now.  Fuck it.  Hey, that was a little poem there!  “The Muse of Fuck has struck!”  What luck. 

Speaking of luck, I can’t believe Lucky actually got scenes with Sonny!  Damn.  He must be moving up in the world.  I wish Lucky could’ve beat the ever-lovin’ shit out of Sonny, but I guess I can’t have everything.  Still, I dare to dream.  I just love the handsome Lucky and I hope he actually gets some sort of story.  How will we ever know if the man can act if he never gets a chance to? 

I didn’t see all of those trapped in the Versailles Room draw their numbers to get on the helicopter.  What I was confused about when I did tune back in, was how there is apparently little chivalry left in Port Charles.  What the hell ever happened to women and children first?  What about the injured?  One day, Emily is on the verge of bleeding to death and the next day she’s on the last helicopter off the roof?  Really now, shouldn’t she have been on the first helicopter?  If Ric and Liz had both been up there and Ric had a lower number than his pregnant wife, would we have been subjected to hearing Ric tell her, “I’m sorry honey, but my number is lower so I have to do what I have to do and leave this burning inferno of death ahead of you and your unborn child.  Good luck.”  I wouldn’t have been surprised, so thank goodness Liz wasn’t up there.  At least Nik let Emily go when there was only one seat left due to Capelli elbowing his way in with his “my number is better than yours and I’m a cop” routine. 

I am pretty ticked off at Capelli.  Why didn’t he just kill Jason when he had the chance?  Why did he have to handcuff Jesus, I mean Jason, to the hand railing of a stairwell?  See, I would have handcuffed Jason to restrain him, but then I would have hit him in the head with a blunt object to knock him out.  Then I would have removed the handcuffs and thrown Jesus out the window.  I mean, Jason.  He’d have been all splattered and who would know I’d done anything to him?  Capelli should be ashamed of himself, embarrassing bad cops everywhere with his anorexic intellectual amenities. 

Hmmm.  It’s kind of disturbing that I’ve put this much thought into Jason’s death, isn’t it? 

Now, there really was a lot about the CE that I just loved.  I know it doesn’t seem like it, but it’s true.  I just love the way soap operas do disasters.  They are always so Swiss.  You know, cheesy and full of holes.  I love that.  Here are some Swiss elements I enjoyed: 

How people could just enter the burning building at will, without firemen and/or policemen stopping them was a wonderful element.  I think this had a deeper meaning to it though.  I think people being able to run in and out of the fire also represented viewers like myself who just kept tuning in and out to watch.  Watch a little GH, turn to CNN for a while, go pee, turn back to GH, etc. 

How some people seemed to have no problem going up and down the stairs, but others were supposedly trapped was also something I liked.  I laughed so hard when Sonny made his way to Jax’s penthouse to warn him to get out of the fire.  First, I found it amusing that Sonny apparently knew Jax was just stupid enough to still be there, then Sonny leaves and Jax and Sam are both talking about how trapped they are.  Jax and Sam eat, have sex, dance around and sit on the couch looking bored as hell.  It was just very weird.  Did they play Monopoly, too, or did I miss that part?  Maybe they were the surreal, artsy-fartsy portion of the CE?  Maybe they represent the bored viewer who is “trapped” watching GH? 

I loved how everyone kept going from, “Oh, my God!  I’m gonna die!” to “Oh, no I’m not,” then back to, “Oh, I’m gonna die!” again.  That was amusing. 

Getting to see most of the Quartermaines all in one place for a change was good, as it always is. 

It’s nice to see that Ned is at least still in town and has maintained the ability to speak. 

That glimpse of Mac was nice before he got blown to kingdom come.  The show should have sent him to me.  He’d have still got blown, but it would have been different somehow.  Heh-heh-heh. 

Seeing Cameron actually give a damn about his son was a nice touch to add right before they killed off the character who, incidentally, was played by a marvelous actor.  I say “incidentally” because the writers never took advantage of Lane Davies.  Never.  It was nice to see him out act the majority of the cast in just a few, touching scenes. 

Lorenzo is always wonderful to see, but I predict his association with Carly will ruin him.  His Carly love has already done considerable damage to my interest in him. 

I also enjoyed the remarkable performance turned in by “The Wind.”  Once immortalized in a painting by our own little Lizzie Webber, The Wind outdid itself as it foiled the escape attempts of those trapped in the fire as they waited for helicopters to arrive.  You just gotta love that zany, unpredictable Wind!  (I also suspect that The Wind is a Cassadine.) 

I kind of enjoyed the interaction between Sonny and Courtney.  I think they work really well together as brother and sister, but the context was just not right.  As they were chatting it up about Sonny’s oh-so-boring childhood demons while fire raged around them, I just kept thinking, “Shut the fuck up and get the hell out, you morons!” 

The absolute best part of the CE, the shining moment, was when the mystery fireman who stole the treasure was revealed to be Scott Baldwin!  I clapped my hands and shouted the good news to my husband.  Woo-hoo!  Scotty’s alive!!! 

I got a good chuckle when the press interviewed Ric on the street outside the hotel.  A reporter asked him if the cause of the fire was known yet and Ric responded that “the investigation was still pending.”  Considering that the fire wasn’t even out yet and not everyone had been rescued, I would say that was an understatement.  Yeah.  That was some damn fine writing there. 

I smiled every time there was a scene outside of the hotel, and I mean right outside the hotel, and we would see Liz, Alexis, Ned, Lucky, Ric, etc., all staring straight up at the fire directly above them.  Fear not the falling debris and shards of glass, Port Charles! 

I loved the part where Jason made it to the Versailles Room and was told that Courtney was in the building looking for him.  The look on his face said, so clearly, “What the hell?  That fucking idiot.”  For that one moment, I felt a kindred spirit in Jason. 

There were other things I loved and hated, but the list is too incredibly long to go into.  What I’m semi-interested in now is whether or not Guza and Pratt were telling the truth about this being some big, changing event for everyone on the show.  They’ve already lied about one thing, as far as I can tell, and that is that no one really important has died.  They acted like major characters were going to be kicking the bucket, but I haven’t seen that.  Zander is supposed to not really be dead.  We know Scotty’s not dead.  Cameron IS dead, but who gives a shit since the show didn’t use him anyway.  Brian is going to die in a day or two, which is exactly what I expected the moment I first laid eyes on him back when Courtney met him in Petticoat Junction/Mayberry/Green Acres.  I knew he’d be a bad cop, an idiot or dead very soon since Jason, our resident Jesus, didn’t like him.  He kind of turned out to be a combination of all those things. 

Now, let me make a few psychic predictions about what is going to happen on this show in the next couple of months. 

It will all still be centered around The Fab Four. 

Jason, the murderer, will still be portrayed as a hero. 

Courtney will NEVER have to pay for shooting a police officer in the back, but she might still feel really bad about it, like, for another day or two. 

Carly will scream, cry, squint her eyes and threaten people. 

Sonny will break stuff and feel all pooey. 

Alexis will be friendly with Ned again and maybe they’ll even kiss or something because, lets face it, who is left for either one of them?   

For the first week or two after the CE is officially over, we will see a fairly decent amount of the ROTC.  Then, they’ll start fading into the background again. 

The cops will still be stupid. 

Faith will still be a one-note, undeveloped character despite all this “history with Justus” crap. 

Sam will get wet and showcase her huge breasts because we all know that’s what stay-at-home mothers really want to see. 

Helena will have some interesting scenes while she schemes and plots, then that will all go to hell in a hand basket and be forgotten when Tony Geary takes off on his summer long vacation. 

Any returning characters will be destroyed.  Think “Rick Webber” and “Stefan Cassadine” here. 

Around May sweeps, Guza and Pratt will promote the upcoming stories as ones that will “change the canvas of the entire show” and I won’t believe a damn word either of those little fuckers say, because fool me once, shame on you, but fool me a thousand times and I might get smart someday. 

As mentioned previously, the Baby Kristina’s Paternity story will be all about Sonny and Carly.  However, we will get at least one, really good, well-written scene between Maurice Benard (Sonny) and Nancy Lee Grahn (Alexis).  That way, Maurice Benard will have more than a snowball’s chance in hell of winning another Emmy next year.  (See, it helps to submit scenes with other actors who can actually act well, too.)

 And last, but not least, I will drop to my knees one day after watching GH and I will shake my fist at the television saying, “I have never loved a soap more than I love you right now and I have never hated a soap more than I hate you right now!  Damn you, GH!” 

All in all, the CE wasn’t a total waste, yet it was also a total waste.  Interesting accomplishment on the part of the writers, huh?  Also, I did manage to stumble into Lucky before I left so that I could cop a feel.  Or should I say, so I could feel a cop? 

And one last thing, that dead body in the basement, the one they thought was Zander’s and then said was Scotty’s, had better NOT BE COLEMAN! 

Maybe it’s Ida?