“By Jove, It’s ACTING! 

Since I got my scrumptious TiVo a couple of months ago, I’ve actually been watching GH regularly again.  Some episodes I can zip through in five minutes because fast forwarding seems so much easier when the program is digitally recorded.  Also, I don’t have a sense that I’m wearing the machine into the ground like I did with my VCR, so I can fast forward and rewind to my heart’s content.  There hasn’t been one episode that I’ve made it through without fast forwarding, but I’m still finding things to enjoy.   

Of course I’m going to bitch about some of the stuff I don’t like, that’s what I do best and what I mostly do, but I also feel compelled to write about some of the good stuff, too.  It won’t be all the good stuff and it won’t be all the bad stuff.  I’m going to write what pops into my head as I go along.  First some of the good: 

I am enjoying this Rachel chick.  Not only is the actress gorgeous, her performance has substance to it.  There have actually been several moments when I’ve wondered if she really wants to be picking on Courtney.  I have no doubt that she loathes Steven and has a major grudge with him, but every now and then she gets this faintly desperate and remorseful look in her eyes when dealing with Courtney.  I wonder if Rachel has been blackmailed in some way into messing with Courtney’s life? 

I am glad that Liz finally has her brother on the show.  I wish they had a few more scenes together than what they do, but maybe that’s for the best.  More on Steven later.  Trust me. 

It is great to be seeing more of Liz again.  There was a time when I could barely stand her, though I have no idea why.  I can’t quite put my finger on what it was, but as soon as she all but vanished from the front burner AND the backburner, I found I missed her.  Plus, she’s a gorgeous person to watch. 

I’m happy that Lucky lived.  I was very concerned for a while that he wasn’t going to make it.  I enjoy him and I’ve liked his scenes with Luke, Skye and Liz.  He’s also a gorgeous hunk of man to behold and there’s nothing I’d rather do than “be holding” him. 

Alexis and Ric I like.  Their brains go together well and there’s a smooth, sensuous quality to them I find satisfying.  I’d like to see them have some fun for once.  The storms that surround them start to mean nothing when there’s never a calm sea to contrast them with.  I’m glad the tedious, Kristina kidnapping story is over.  It was okay for a week or two, but then it started to grate on my nerves.  I also adore seeing Kristina.  What cutie pies those twin girls are who play that part. 

I was pleasantly surprised with seeing Dr. Tony Jones several times lately.  I miss him, too.  I’m not sure what he would do at this point if he was given more of a role.  The show has pretty much forsaken the older generations.  Luke’s the only one of the vets who gets any real play and a lot of his routine is old, but it’s Tony Geary and he always jazzes the place up with his energy and apparent love of life.  No matter what Luke is doing, Tony always seems to be having a blast.  I can’t help but love him. 

Skye is always wonderful to watch.  Robin Christopher must be one of the most beautiful women to ever exist, well…ever.  If I could wake up tomorrow looking like anyone, I would choose to look like her.  She’s also a damn good actress and I try to watch every scene she’s in.  As usual, the writers don’t seem to fully appreciate what a wonder she is and that’s a shame. 

So far, I like Reese.  It’s really too early to judge her too much, but I did notice that she seems to have the most chemistry with Lorenzo.  They could be smokin’ hot together and go skippin’ through town in matching leather ensembles.  Okay, maybe not “skipping.”  They’re really not the skipping sort.  Maybe “walking together with serious intent” would be more like it? 

I’m glad Georgie and Dillon are still together, but oddly, I have no interest in actually watching them.  I think they “did it” the other day, but I’m not sure because I was fast forwarding, they went zooming by and I didn’t really care enough to rewind and find out. 

Brooke Lynn is a beautiful young lady and they seem to be dressing her less like a whore on the Sunset Strip and more like a teenager who is simply a bit flashy.  TPTB (“The Powers That Be”) need to learn that “quirky” and “zany” don’t have to equal “slutty” and “cheap.”  They should learn that and then also apply the lesson to Lois. 

Okay, I sense I’m going to start bitching.  I think I’m in “The Zone” now. 

Let’s start with Steven Webber. 

While I’m happy that Liz has a brother, thus possibly indicating some sort of interest in one of the few remaining, original, core families (Or are they the only ones?), I am concerned with his health.  Maybe Steven is so busy at the hospital that he can’t find the time to eat?  Maybe he simply has a weak constitution?  Whatever his problem, the poor man can’t seem to stand on his own strength half the time.  He’s always leaning on something.  He doesn’t do it as much now as he did when he first showed up, but he still does it on occasion and it still bothers me.  He’s leaning on a chair, a wall, a doorframe, the nurses’ station, the person next to him, etc., so often, that I’m expecting him to collapse at any moment now.  Liz needs to bring him a sandwich and some vitamins right away.  Poor guy. 

He also has hair issues.  His hair looks a little flat or something.  I can’t explain it.  He just needs some freshening up in the hair department. 

Speaking of hair, I still cannot get over Dillon’s.  I hope Georgie is very careful while handling Dillon.  I actually think she could slice a major artery open if she accidentally touched one of the spiky tendrils that stick up from that boy’s scalp.  He’s like a talking Chia Pet.  I can’t ever hear what he’s saying, because I’m too busy watching his hair.  It’s like he’s playing two parts.  There’s “Dillon” and then there’s “Dillon’s hair.”  I wonder if Scott Clifton gets paid any extra for that?  Maybe he can list his hair as a dependent on his income taxes? 

Sticking with the whole “hair theme” for another second here, Ric Hearst’s eyebrows sometime scare me.  I think they display independent thought, like maybe aliens are trying to communicate with us via Ric’s eyebrows.  Or maybe the makeup person uses too much brow pencil on some days?  I figure the odds are pretty favorable for either scenario.  What I do know for certain, is I’d like to see him in jeans more often.  Ric looks awesome in anything, but denim contains him exceptionally well. 

I really wish someone would grab a hold of Alicia Leigh Willis (Courtney), sit her down and beg with her to please, please, please stop the sighing.  Stop the rolling of the eyes.  Just stop it.  Stop the madness.  Also, stop seeming so damn bored and tired all the time.  I realize that Courtney’s story lately, with all her Rachel problems and Michael’s kidnapping kind of suit her apparent misery, but she’s been like this since she was with Jason.  It’s as if everything overwhelms her, confuses her, fatigues her and sedates her at the same time.  Jax should never be paired with a woman who reacts to him as if she was just given a sleeping pill.  Not good.  Now she’s even rubbing off on him.  Once, Jax was a spirited, motivated character.  Whenever he showed up, he gave off an air of someone who’d just been somewhere interesting, doing something exciting and who was on his way to do something else energetic and compelling.  Now, he wallows around with Courtney, having an orgy of lethargy with her in her claustrophobia-inducing apartment.  If he hasn’t started sighing and rolling his eyes around already, then I’m sure that it won’t be long. 

Then there is Diego.  Oh my.  The guy in that part is nice looking and also looks at least 25, yet Diego is supposed to be a minor?  All right, I can overlook that as I pretty much looked 30 when I was 15, but at least I could make facial expressions and my eyes had some life, and still do the last time I looked.  Diego’s eyes are kind of dead looking.   I call him “Dead-Eye Diego.”  When he smiles, that helps significantly, but smiles from ole’ “Dead-Eye” are few and far between.  Plus, he needs to take his shirt off.  If he did that, I’ll bet his eyes would look fine!  J 

On the matter of men removing shirts, um, why is this not happening?  Is there some rule behind the scenes which no longer allows the male characters to be anything but dressed?  Seriously, Jason gets shot in the gut, Monica tends to him, Sam tends to him yet he has his shirt on the whole time?  What the hell?  Does Steve Burton have some freaky eyeball in his chest or something?  What’s the man hiding?  Is he afraid showing some chest will cheapen his thespian qualities?  Seriously, if he thinks that, then screw him.  If it’s that he doesn’t take his shirt off because TPTB aren’t asking him to, then screw them!  Morons. 

Lucky’s in the hospital, yet no skin?  Can’t Liz give him a sponge bath?  Ladies, we are being ripped off here, I’m tellin’ ya’. 

Jax might have had his shirt off the other day when he and Courtney sighed, rolled their eyes and had sex, but I was fast forwarding, so I’m not sure.  I was feeling pretty peppy and alert, so I didn’t want to stop to watch them and ruin my mood of, you know, being awake. 

Why is all the beefcake hiding?  I am sure that, come summer, Rachel will be in a bikini and so will Sam.  Seriously, do any of you doubt that?  There will be little Sam in her itsy-bitsy, teeny-weeny bikini, yet there will be Jason in black sneakers, jeans and a T-shirt.  Rachel will be in her skimpy bathing suit with the strategic cut-outs, yet Jax will be standing around fully dressed in a business suit.  It will pretty much be the same set up with Reese and Sonny.  That is seriously brain damaged.  Over on “Days of Our Lives,” which I sometimes watch, there’s a half-naked man almost every single day!  Bless their hearts and pectorals; that show realizes there are women watching. 

Thank goodness Morgan and Kristina have been found.  I was really getting tired of the kidnapping story, though I thought it all kicked off pretty well and at least it did keep holding my interest.  Unfortunately the discovery of the “Dead Mikey” picture seemed to reveal that most of the performers were bored with the story as well.  I haven’t seen so much “ACTING!” in a long time.  Some of the alleged acting, we didn’t even get to see.  When Sonny saw the picture of Dead Mikey, he turned his face to the side, covered half of it with his hand and pushed out an “Oh, God!”  Then he dropped to his knees with his back to us.  You know, “us?”  The audience?  Yeah, that “us,” and we didn’t get to see his reaction.  It was more like Maurice Benard was doing some voice work.  What a jip. 

And of course, his clothes were on. 

Then when he told Carly the news at the police station, I thought that was an odd scene.  It’s like it was kind of good, yet it was really bad at the same time.  I’ve bitched about Carly’s reaction in a different column, but it bears mentioning that during that scene, not one single tear rolled down that woman’s face.  Not one.  I watched it three times looking for one.  I’m talking about during her big freak out.  Everyone else in the room had sniffed the cayenne pepper, but not Tamara Braun.  So, to say there wasn’t a dry eye in the house would be an inaccurate statement.  There were at least two and they belonged to Dead Mikey’s mama.  Plus, though everyone else was gathered around doing their silent “ACTING!” as they watched Sonny tell Carly the bad news, they looked more like they were kind of morbidly embarrassed to be there, especially Lorenzo.  Ted King had more of a, “Man, she sucks” expression on his face.  Reese did pretty good.  She had a pretty good water flow from those eye faucets, so Kari Wuhrer probably actually rolled around in the cayenne pepper.  What a pro!  She actually kind of posed for a moment behind Sonny and Carly, then we saw only a shot of her, chin jutted slightly, eyes a’cryin’.  “See?  I’m crying.  I’m ACTING!” 

If Lorenzo could have removed his clothing, then that might have saved the scene.  But that’s me.  My priorities are obviously skewed, I have no sense of decorum and I don’t give a hoot that Mikey is dead or missing or whatever his actual status is.  I’ve lost track.  Too many people are dead one day, living by whorehouses in Louisiana the next, so who knows?  During the “Death of B.J” story years ago, I don’t recall any brothels being involved at any point, or hit men or lots of cleavage and shooting, etc.  B.J.’s death was so touching, involved family, friends and realistic tragedy.  In other words, elements which are apparently no longer appropriate on GH. 

Speaking of being dead, is Faith actually dead now?  She is, isn’t she?  She’s had so many false alarms in this department; the actual event itself came across as a non-event.  The Grim Reaper merely tip-toed in and out.  What crap that is.  That character had such limitless potential from Day One and the actress was wonderful.  After all the horrific things Faith has done, Cynthia Preston could still play the sympathy card for Faith and make it work.  There was always this sense that she just wanted to be loved and never felt she had been.  Can’t she come back in some other part?  If Luis Alcazar can have a twin then why not Faith?  Or even better, she can be a whole different character, completely unrelated to Faith.  I’ll go along with it.  I just want Cynthia!  I swear, I have actual tears in my eyes now, I’m facing my computer screen (my audience) and I’m not even Faith’s mother!  I deserve an Emmy. 

Steve Burton, as Jason, has sure been able to sustain a good level of teary eyes during all this.  Steve must have his own personal vial of cayenne pepper.  Or maybe he has his own personal Cayenne Pepper Assistant?  When Jason needs to look upset, the director yells out, “Cayenne for Mr. Burton,” and someone runs over and dabs his eyes or shoves some up his nose.  Maybe he goes deep into his mind and imagines that he might be required to remove his shirt someday and pony up for the big bucks he’s making.  Maybe that’s what motivates him to cry.  Or he could be acting, or rather, “ACTING!”  There have been a few scenes when I’ve gotten the feeling that Jason has lost something he cares about, but mostly, eh, not so much.  Like everyone else, the heartbreak seems too forced.  I did like the “remembering Michael in the snow” scene.  That was pretty good, so yeah, maybe I could be wrong.  Yes, even me. 

And what is up with Sam?  She is simply everywhere these days, isn’t she?  She’s breaking the news of Mikey’s death to Alan, then offering to do the memorial service for Carly, holding Jason’s hand and saving puppies and old people from burning buildings,…oh no.  Wait.  Sorry.  That puppy/old people part was Courtney last year.  My bad.  Maybe Sam will get to save kids and cats? 

So, is Reese supposed to be in love with Sonny now?  What was all that business when Ric was talking to her, saying he knew Sonny had “gotten to her?”  How exactly did Sonny do that?  Was it the charming, “I’m a selfish pig” routine?  Was it the ceremonious “breaking of the barware?”  The brooding?  The whining?  The false indignation?  Seriously, what the hell was it?  I know it wasn’t because Sonny took his shirt off.  That would’ve done it for me, but I didn’t see that happen, so that can’t be it.  Why is the show trying to sell us this utter crap time and time again?  As a member of the viewing audience, I need to see why Reese would have feelings for Sonny.  That has not been shown to me.  Sonny has done not a damn thing that would sell me on him if I was Reese or any other woman.  The writers expect us to just accept it.  Sonny is Sonny and irresistible to women.  No need to show it, no need to write it.  Accept it.  Resistance is futile.  The end. 

One thing I kept waiting for never happened.  When Morgan and Michael were kidnapped, I kept waiting for all the other characters to show up to insult Carly for being upset about it.  That’s what they all did to Alexis.  One by one, the other characters ridiculed her and treated her like she was the most horrible, controlling, hysterical person on earth for being upset that her daughter had been kidnapped by a psychopath.  How dare she?  I remember one particularly insulting scene when Alexis, in a wheel chair, was in the hospital elevator with Carly.  Alexis had just found out she was pregnant and her daughter had been missing for a couple of weeks, so she’s crying.  Carly has the absolute gall to say in one of the most hateful, condescending voices I’ve ever heard, something like, “Why are you so upset?  Oh, is it because of Kristina being gone?”  Well, DUH BITCH!  Good lord.  Who writes this shit?  Who actually wrote those words, on a show marketed primarily to women (a lot of them mothers themselves) and thought, “Wow!  That’s some good dialogue there!”  Seriously, would any of you out there, mothers or not, actually say something like that to another woman whose child had been kidnapped? 

Then, Michael and Morgan go missing.  Carly was crying, whining, shrieking and near hysterics every single day.  I kept hoping someone would find her and say, “What the hell’s wrong with you?  Oh.  Is it because both of your children have been kidnapped?  Is that all?  Get a grip and go home.  You’re a fool.  Sheesh.”  But no, it’s okay when Carly reacts that way, which is the appropriate and understandable way to react, but Alexis can’t do it without some big Alexis-Bash-A-Thon going on.  Stupid writers. 

It makes me wonder, if it had been Kristina who showed up dead in a picture instead of Michael, would it have been okay for Alexis to have been upset about that?  Or, would she have been surrounded by people at the police station who were just, you know, rolling their eyes at her silly, hysterical antics? 

Damn.  Now I’m really kind of pissed.  Maybe I should stop now. 

Thinking happy thoughts!  Thinking happy thoughts!   

Ah, yes, Ric!  Ric in denim.   

Ric in tight denim. 

A little “jean therapy” goes a long way. 

Let’s have a moment of silence now while thinking about Ric in his jeans.  (Picturing him out of the jeans works, too.) 

Okay.  All better now.  Thoughts of Ric have touched me in my happy place, and I do mean that in the most pornographic way possible. 

Have a nice day!