Wonder Woman, The Invisible Man And Gilligan Versus The Legion Of Doom! 

This past week on “General Hospital” was kind of a strange one for me.  Basically, I loved every day for the oddest reasons.  As anyone who reads my column regularly, or even not so regularly, knows, I think GH has been pretty bad for a long time now.  So for me to say I loved an entire week’s worth of shows is very unlike me.  I’m sure everyone’s expecting a bunch of sarcastic, backhanded compliments and direct insults. 

Everyone would be correct to expect that. 

I’m not here to gush about how great the quality of the writing has been this week or any other, because I think that still tanks, with few exceptions.  I did however find many things to be legitimately entertaining and humorous.  The problem is that I don’t think any of the things I laughed out loud at were actually supposed to be funny.  In fact, I’m sure they weren’t supposed to be.  Also, I found myself, several times, on the edge of my seat waiting to see what would happen next.  It was true suspense and I could hardly believe it.  Once again, I don’t think I was in suspense for any of the reasons the writers would have intended.  There’s no way because, as you’ll see, my world is truly warped. 

For starters, Courtney running around beating up professional thugs by kicking them into oblivion was just too much.  While I do enjoy seeing a female show some backbone and the ability to take care of herself, this was definitely over the top.  I kept hearing the lyrics from the old show, “Wonder Woman,” going through my head. 

Wonder Woman, 

All the world is waiting for you, 

And the power you possess 

In your satin tights, 

Fighting for your rights, 

And the old, red, white and blue-hoo-ooh! 

Wonder Woman!

Get us out from under, Wonder Woman! 

All our hopes are pinned upon you, 

And the magic that you do. 

Stop a bullet cold, 

Make the axis fold 

Change their minds and change the world. 

Wonder Woman!

You’re a wonder, Wonder Woman! 

Being a big “Wonder Woman”/Lynda Carter fan, I kept wanting to see Courtney twirl around and really turn into her.  I was let down later when she arrived in South America.  She took Sonny’s private jet down there instead of an invisible plane, which would have been a lot more cool, then she just stood there, cowering, when she was all alone with Alcazar.  She could have spun around, turned into Wonder Woman and rammed her tiara up his butt or at least kicked that smirk off his face, but I guess she was back to playing “The Perils of Pauline” for a while. 

Then there were the thrilling adventures of Sonny, Jason and Ric.  Or should I call them “antics.”  They were truly wacky this week.  On one message board, I saw them compared to “The Three Stooges” for all their continuous bickering, along with the contemplation that Sonny would have to be “Mo.”  I thought that was hilarious, but that wasn’t my take on them.  For some reason, and I have no idea why, I kept thinking of those old, black-and-white, monster movies.  You know, the goofy ones like, “Abbot And Costello Meet The Wolfman/Frankenstein/The Mummy.”  With his heavy facial hair, Ric is The Wolfman; Sonny is Frankenstein, ("Ugh!  Me wants Car-lee now!"), and Jason is The Mummy. 

I guess that makes Carly the Bride of Frankenstein! 

Sadly, I didn’t feel any excitement during Carly’s big rescue.  I was too distracted by how strange the whole scene was set up.  Why were Alcazar’s guards hiding?  What would be the point of that?  Shouldn’t they have been standing outside Carly’s door, you know, actually guarding it? 

So, for whatever reason the guards were hiding for, they watched the bickering, monster Stooges approach Carly’s room using all the “Starsky & Hutch” techniques they could muster.  You know, leaping around the corners with their guns drawn and “covering” each other.  Then the guards continued to secretly watch as the boys hung out in Carly’s room for a while before they took her out in the hall where they stood looking this way, very seriously, then that way, also very seriously.  I just know I completely enjoyed the comedic content of it all. 

I was especially moved to chuckle when we, the audience, saw Jason from a hidden guard’s point of view.  Jason was standing in Carly’s room, or in the hall, I’m not sure which, and a guard had him right in his sights.  He could have shot Jason dead right then, but for some mysterious reason, chose not to.  I guess Alcazar’s instructions, “If they give you any trouble, kill them,” weren’t specific enough. 

I also loved when Jason carried Carly out into the hall where Sonny and Ric were doing their serious looking around and the guards, finally, started shooting.  The shooting came from Jason’s right side and the way he was holding Carly put her back facing in that direction, too.  I thought he would turn the other way to protect her, but he appeared to kind of pull her closer, like he was cowering behind her.  Maybe he was trying to guard her more effectively by hiding?  Hmmmm.   

Perhaps hidden guards are some odd mob technique that laypersons, such as myself, don’t see the logic in.  That’s probably how half of Port Charles is able to barge into Sonny’s penthouse whenever they damn well feel like it and the guards are suspiciously out of sight.  They’re hiding! 

Mafia Chieftains, take note:  Hiding your guards does not work.  Place them in front of the actual door that you don’t want people to walk through.  I mean, duh!  Even a two year old understands that they have to hold onto the toy they don’t want another kid to play with. 

In my column last week, I called Carly a whore.  In my column this week, I am calling Carly a whore again.  She proved me right.  She can’t walk because she almost lost her baby, as well as her own life, had to be carried out of the hospital and onto the plane, but as soon as she was alone with Sonny, what the hell did she start talking about?  Wanting to have sex.  Good grief.  This is a woman in desperate need of a vibrator if I ever saw one.  They better watch it or they’re going to poke that baby’s eyes out. 

There was another strange incident with the monster Stooges, before they rescued Carly, which had me smiling.  It was when they went to the wrong clinic first.  They were in an empty hospital room when a hospital employee was seen outside of their room, pointing the local police in their direction.  Sonny quietly closed the door and we went to a commercial.  They were trapped!  When we came back, the guys were returning breathlessly, so as to imply excitement, to their hotel room.  I was impressed.  Not only does Sonny apparently have secret, underground tunnels beneath various warehouses in Port Charles, lest he needs to make a quick getaway, he has also, apparently, invested in underground escape routes in South America as well.  Or maybe they had to give the police “special favors” in order to get away unscathed?  I’m sure they’ve learned a trick or two from being around Faith so much.   

I’m leaning towards the “special favors” theory myself.  It’s more realistic.  I also think only Sonny and Jason were putting their money where their mouths are, so to speak.  Ric’s heavy whiskers would just be too abrasive to really do anyone any favors.  Well, to do any men favors, I mean.  I’m sure a woman could find some benefit in his stubble and be totally down with dat! 

Ric Lansing, French Tickler At Large.   


Best of all, Carly is no longer kidnapped.  Thank God!  I thought this would never end.  I would say the Dobson storyline was worse, but at least I didn’t have to see Dobson every damned day.  In hindsight, I did truly enjoy Sonny’s various ideas to get Carly back.  Not just this week, but ever since Ric first kidnapped her.  He was always telling Jason all these theories and plots, leaving Jason to look at Sonny the same way The Skipper looks whenever Gilligan announces he’s found a way off the island.  Too bad Jason doesn’t wear a hat because it would have been great to see him hit his “little buddy” with it.  Then Courtney could have gone to the kitchen to whip up a banana cream pie. 

I’m sure it’s easy to see how I was so entertained this week.  It’s just been so “Saturday Morning Cartoons/TV Land.”  Aside from the wacky antics of the “The Fantastic Four,” we had the rest of the town to deal with.  A.J., “The Invisible Man,” actually made an appearance this week.  He was at that “Running For Breast Cancer” thing, or whatever it was called.  I hope it wasn’t called “Running For Breast Cancer” because, I don’t know about anyone else, but I wouldn’t want to run, or walk, if breast cancer was being advertised as the end result.  Maybe it was called “Walking Against Breast Cancer” or something? 

Sorry.  I’m just rambling now.  I’m so excited about actually seeing A.J., I can’t help it.  I’m still giddy.  That man is so good-looking and talented, so of course he’s being squandered by “The Powers That Be.”  (In Saturday Morning Cartoon terms, “The Powers That Be” would be called “The Legion Of Doom,” by the way.)  I guess, except for Lila, all of the Adam’s Family, er, I mean the Quartermaines, turned out to support Emily at the fundraiser.  Zander even got a round-about compliment from Mr. Howell, or Edward, or whoever that man is that I only get to see once ever couple of weeks now.  You know, the old dude with the white hair and all the money.  Him. 

I am truly tired of this pathetic love triangle.  “The Prince, The Deviant and The Pain In The Ass” just aren’t interesting to me.  I was truly surprised that I was able to eke some fun out of it this week.  Listening to Emily piss and moan is kind of like going to see “The Rocky Horror Picture Show,” in that I know exactly what she’s going to say, since she’s said the same lines hundreds of times now, so I can say them along with her! 

“I love you.” 

“I can’t be with you.” 

“I’m sorry.” 

“I’m so sorry.” 

“I choose you.” 

I love that last one:  “I choose you.”  Like that’s some big prize or something. 

“Zander Smith!  Come on down!  You are the first contestant on ‘Be A Doormat And All-Around-Dumbass!’  Emily has chosen YOU!”  

Normally I am touched by the deeply sexy and soulful looks that Nikolas can conjure up without any apparent effort.  I think he has overused that ability lately because every time he did that “look” this week, I just laughed at him.  Don’t ask me why.  Maybe there’s some kind of slow gas leak in my home that I don’t know about and I’m actually watching GH while I’m stoned. 

I see Zander and I think:  Sucker. 

I see Nikolas and I think:  Loser. 

I see Emily and I actually say out loud:  Bitch. 

I guess GH has become a very interactive show for me.  Maybe, also like going to see “Rocky Horror,” I should start having props on hand? 

I could have a pregnancy pillow to wear, and rub constantly, whenever Carly is on.  Oh, and for Courtney now, too. 

The pillow could double as a weapon should there be anymore pillow fights or attempted “smotherings” on GH. 

I could get a little “My Buddy/Chucky” doll and call it Little Michael.  Well, I wouldn’t actually have to buy one.  I could just pretend that I own one, but that he’s off with Leticia somewhere and that damn, aren’t I a great mom! 

I could have a jar of “Dippity-Doo” for the Sonny scenes. 

I could borrow my nephew’s Mickey Mouse boxing gloves for the Courtney scenes.  That would be ultra appropriate since Disney owns ABC. 

I would, of course, have a toy gun.  I could get one for my husband, too.  He watches GH with me and I’m sure he’d love hopping all over the living room, darting around corners saying, “Cover me!”  I wonder if Disney has a line of Mickey Mouse Sub-Machine Guns? 

I could dress all in black for Faith.  Yeah.  I bet my husband could get into that, too.  Just a chair, some plastic sheeting and some duct tape and we could be on our way to a second honeymoon! 

I’d also need some sort of financial ledger book.  I could pace around the room with it open in my hands, pretending that I’m looking at important figures whenever Stefan has a scene. 

Speaking of Stefan, and important figures, I almost fell over when he showed up beyond Wyndamere, first outside of Kelly’s, and then at the park!  And in the daylight, too!  So much for my “Dracula” theory.  It was just so good to see him interacting with Alexis.  I love Stefan.  I hope the writers can figure out something better to do with our resident “Batman” than what he’s done up to this point. 

Monica looked so nice in her jeans and T-shirt.  She has a lovely, trim figure.  I wish we could see her more often.  ( I was going to say it would be nice “to see more of her,” but since I just commented on her clothing I was afraid that would sound like I want to see her naked, which I don’t.) 

I DO want to see Mac naked.  I also know that probably isn’t going to happen anytime soon.  I sincerely enjoyed his scene with Georgie when he spoke about Robin, AIDS and safe sex.  I almost cried.  Not because the scene was “cry-worthy” but because I miss seeing characters acknowledge true history and interacting with each other from the heart.  For me, that was the best scene all week.  That was good quality acting AND writing. 

I have been enjoying every moment with Georgie and Dillon.  They are one of the few teen couples I have ever cared for on GH or any other soap.  I think the only other GH teen couple to ever hold my interest was Lucky and Liz.  Most people seem to like them, so I don’t get why their story hasn’t been featured more prominently.  It is the summer, after all.  Did I mention that I think “The Legion Of Doom” is also stupid?  Well, consider it mentioned. 

I loved seeing Lorenzo Alcazar in his black tank top, but what is the deal with that big gold chain that he wears?  I was trying to focus on the man’s physique but that thing kept distracting me.  I was also concerned for a moment when he was daring Carly to slit his throat as she shaved him.  I figure if anyone would have the gumption to do that, it would be Carly, so I was hoping he wouldn’t tempt fate too much. 

I adore the chemistry between Carly and Lorenzo.  There is something extra special between the two of them that she doesn’t have with Sonny.  Maybe it’s just because Lorenzo is someone different and I am sick of Carly/Sonny stories. 

I thought it was hilarious that Friday was the big Sonny and Carly reunion, but it was Liz and Ric who got the romantic, musical montage.  I think they had more chemistry in that montage than Sonny and Carly had as they smashed their lips together on the plane.  I know some would disagree, but that’s okay.  I sense the whole debate of who’s better, Sonny or Ric, is going to be a classic one along the lines of who’s more beautiful, Mary Ann or Ginger? 

I was afraid from the spoilers that I would be totally grossed out when Faith tried to seduce Dillon.  I was wrong.  I absolutely loved that whole bit.  Dillon was so obviously intrigued, turned on and terrified when Faith knelt down in front of him as he sat in that chair.  When she unbuttoned his shirt, the look on his face was classic!  Then I loved when Georgie showed up and gave Faith the money she was about to seduce Dillon for.  Faith became so instantly bored with Dillon when she had what she wanted.  I was relieved.  I would prefer to think that Faith isn’t really turned on by teenage boys.  Of course, had she heard HIS last name instead of just Georgie’s, she might have taken great delight in the idea that she almost sexed up Ned’s brother. 

Something else great this week was Alan being the one to keep happening upon the youth of Port Charles as they were messing with the hospital drug cart.  If anyone can figure out what’s going on, it should be Alan, the former drug addict and stealer of hospital meds. 

I liked seeing Cameron.  Though he and Zander didn’t have much to say to each other, I was just happy to hear Cameron’s deep, booming voice.  Lane Davies is such a gifted actor, it’s a shame he’s been so wasted by The Legion Of Doom. 

I was lucky enough to catch a rerun of “The Adventures Of Lois And Clark” on cable this past Friday.  For anyone unfamiliar with it, “Lois And Clark” was a Superman series ABC carried for three or four years in the nineties.  Lane Davies was in the episode I saw Friday playing the part of a devious villain from the future named “Tempus.”  It was great to see him actually do stuff and have a lot of witty dialogue, you know, unlike on GH.  The thought of that injustice really irked me. 

Why can’t the President of ABC Daytime, Brian “The Penguin” Frons see that GH is becoming crappier by the week?  This can’t be a good thing can it? 

And why can’t the Co-Head Writers, Robert “The Joker” Guza and Charles “The Riddler” Pratt write the show better?  Why are they so focused on so few characters?  Riddle me that! 

It’s getting desperate for me.  I really don’t want GH to become a show I constantly have to lampoon in order to enjoy it.  I mean it’s one thing to poke some fun once a week in a column.  I could probably still do that to some extent if the show was absolutely wonderful.  I just don’t like having to lampoon it while I’m watching it.  That’s sad. 

I just read someone’s opinion, on a message board, about why The Legion Of Doom sees no need, apparently, to change anything about GH.  The opinion was that GH is the third rated soap overall, the number one soap on ABC and everybody’s talking about it.  Even if most of the talk is bad, bad publicity is better than none at all, so that’s why no one in charge feels the need to make improvements.  I have a sick sort of feeling that there is something to this opinion.  It wouldn’t surprise me in the least to find out it was true and I hope it isn’t.   

I prefer to think The Legion Of Doom believes the product they’re giving us customers is good quality.  While that still puts them in a bad light when it comes to talent and good taste, it still leaves their hearts in the right place.  To think they know they’re churning out defective goods is to say they don’t give a damn about any of us viewers and that truly makes them the bad guys.  I just wish I knew what the truth was and I’m sure they’ll never tell. Maybe I could borrow Courtney’s magic lasso and find out? 

On second thought, I don’t want to know.  I think I’ll just keep hanging in there, ever hopeful that a change for the better is right around the corner, no matter how many times I have to keep circling the block. 

“Cover me!”