July 2003
(Contains a few spoilers)

I don’t really know what to say about “General Hospital” these days.  I used to have so much to say.  Whether the show was good or bad, I was always inspired to write about it, but lately, a show ends and I just draw a blank.  It doesn’t matter if I thought the show was fine or not, it’s not inspiring me much anymore. 

I think part of it is that the show has become so inept, and not in a fun, corny way.  It’s a flat and bland sort of stupidity that seeps in just as things hold promise for being good again. 

 “Carly In The Panic Room” started out as that wonderfully soapy “good/bad/corny” sort of story, but it never amused me like I hoped it would.  Liz seeing Carly was pretty good, but this was too much to go through to get that one moment.  It’s always good to watch Ric, even if he is a psycho, but that still isn’t enough.  This story has been a waste of my time. 

“A waste of my time.”  Now how is that for witty commentary? 

As you can see, someone has stomped all over my muse, crushed my groove and bored me to tears.  The show is so flat and clichéd, all I can do is say flat and clichéd things about it. 

I loved NuEmily when she first arrived.  I thought she was great and seemed so appropriately grown up, with a classy air of gentleness to her, much like I would imagine a young Lila to have.  I was thrilled over the recast. 

Now I hate her guts.  Maybe that’s too strong.  Maybe “hate” is over the top.  “Hate” implies I have some form of emotional investment in this character.  I think I’m more disgusted with her than anything else.  First I was thrilled about her, then just happy, then concerned, then tentative, then disappointed, then annoyed and now I’ve arrived at “disgusted.” 

Emily’s “big reveal” to Zander about having breast cancer was one of the biggest non-events I’ve ever seen on a soap opera.  That only served to make Emily look incredibly stupid and spoiled.  Zander didn’t go into hysterics, blow his brains out, collapse at the idea of her pain or anything else “bad for him.”  He hugged her, comforted her and pledged to stand by her.  Did any viewers ever think he’d react any other way?  I didn’t, so why did Emily?  What a brat. 

The only times I’ve liked her lately were in her scenes with Stefan.  She is so mouthy with him and there is definitely chemistry there, in my opinion, and the age difference just makes it all delicious.  Stefan certainly has a weakness for the female “pure of heart,” so she could be his undoing (in an interesting way, not a boring way) if someone with a clue could write for this show. 

She has chemistry with Nik, but I don’t want her with him.  She doesn’t deserve him.  She’s manipulative, deceitful, selfish and spoiled, so yes, Stefan should be her man.  Plus, he’s tried to kill her, so there you go:  a match made in heaven.  We could call them “Stem.” 

Emily would have to work on her vocabulary.  I just can’t picture Stefan hanging with someone who uses the words, “puke” and “barf” all the time. 

I loved “OldLydia” and I am very disappointed that she has been recast.  I’ve only seen “NuLydia” twice at this writing, but so far, uh, I think I want OldLydia back.  I know that’s not completely fair to be judging this new lady yet, but it’s how I feel.  I just keep telling myself that the first few days OldLydia was on, I didn’t like her either, then suddenly she won me over.  NuLydia definitely has some big stilettos to fill and I will try to be patient. 

Be patient…….be patient…….it seems that’s all I ever do anymore is “be patient.”  Be patient waiting for Stefan to DO something of interest now that he has returned.  Be patient for Lucky to develop a personality that is the same from one week to the next.  Be patient for someone to get some kind of rise out of Nikolas so I can be assured that the man does have a pulse.  Be patient for Zander to finally get an actual story instead of his portrayer, Chad Brannon, always getting the shaft.  Ditto for Lane Davies who plays Cameron.  Be patient for this God-awful torture known as “Dobson” to finally end already.  Be patient for Ned to stop talking to Skye like she’s in kindergarten.  Be patient for Skye to stop trying to steal Alexis’s baby. 

Meanwhile I just stare at the men’s butts.  Butts are getting me by. 

I felt offended by the writers when Lucky was reading Lydia the riot act on Friday, telling her she’s no better than a whore because she’s marrying for money.  Nikolas was standing there, too, so why didn’t Lucky tell him he’s a whore?  He’s marrying for money the same as Lydia.  A good example of sexist writing for a character who, traditionally, is NOT sexist. 

And why didn’t Nikolas say a damn thing in Lydia’s defense?  He should have taken offense since he’s in this agreement with her, too.  So he insists that neither one of them can have extra-marital affairs, which is decent, but he can’t be bothered to defend his own fiancée while she’s verbally attacked? 

As much as I adore lusting after NuNuLucky, it is grossing me out the way he keeps grabbing Lydia and sucking her face every chance he gets.  It also doesn’t help that he does this weird, leering sort of grin afterwards saying, “You know you want it.”  Maybe this is what the writers are putting out there as “romance?”  

I think one way to insure that I have something to write about each week would be to start a “Sexist Moments Of The Week” column.  There would always be something to say. 

Besides Lucky determining that only a woman is a whore if she marries for money, we also have Faith, a character who was so obviously developed in the mind of a male writer that I have a hard time believing female viewers can identify with her on any real personal level.  I wasn’t as shocked as I should have been when Sonny ripped Carly-And-The-Baby’s dress off of Faith because I knew something disgusting was about to happen.  I could feel it.  At least Sonny didn’t spit on her again. 

I am really tired of hearing Sonny call her a “bitch” and a “whore” and a “slut” and a “tramp.”  I get it already.  I don’t think anyone in the audience has been enlightened as to what Faith is about by hearing those names thrown around. 

I would love to hear Faith call Sonny a “prick.”  Or an “asshole.”   It would be nice to hear a man be demeaned in that way (for a change) and it would be completely fair to me because, just like I know Faith is a slut, I also figured out a long time ago that Sonny is nothing if not an asshole and a prick. 

I am not understanding what Carly-And-The Baby’s plan has been by trying to play Lorenzo and Ric off of each other, telling each one that he’s so much better than the evil, cold-eyed, “other one.”  At first this seemed like it could be intelligent when Carly-And-The Baby cried to Ric this past week about how scared she is of Alcazar.  Ric was obviously moved by her fear and lament.  Then Alcazar shows up later while no one’s home, with the intention of removing Carly-And-The-Baby from the Panic Room.  There’s Carly-And-The-Baby, watching him on the monitors, rooting for him to get her out so he can make a deal with Sonny and get her home, but then Lorenzo can’t open the door because Ric changed the settings for the remote.  Maybe I’m reading too much into this, but it seems to me that Carly-And-The-Baby’s plan just backfired.  If she hadn’t made such a big deal to Ric about being so terrified of Alcazar, then she’d probably be out of that room now. 

Carly’s just another stupid woman on a show full of stupid women these days.  I don’t know how smart The Baby is. 

Speaking of “stupid women,” Liz deserves a mention in this category.  I thought we were going to have to wait until Monday for Liz to finally open the Panic Room door because she seemed like she was going to camp out all night staring at that button on the bookcase. 

“Yes, Liz.  That’s a button.  Yes, Liz, just PUSH THE DAMN BUTTON!”  Sheesh. 

I mean if you found a button on your bookcase, would you stare at it for five minutes before you pushed it?  I wouldn’t.  I would just figure it’s for a light or something mundane like that. 

I do feel bad for Little Lizzie Webber.  She has been so royally mind-screwed by her husband that it’s almost too much to comprehend, even for a soap opera.  The look of absolute shock on her face when she saw Carly-And-The-Baby was great.  I can hardly wait to see how things play out for Liz.  I find the only thing I’m really excited about right now is seeing what Ric’s excuse is going to be and how Liz will react. 

I hope Liz looks on the bright side because, hey, more storage space. 

Interestingly, I don’t really care how Sonny will react.  I don’t care when he and Carly-And-The- Baby will reunite, or if they’re going to tongue each other when they do or if he’s going to rub her belly or pinch her ass or whatever.  As long as I know what oh, so touching, romantic, special song for Sonny & Carly-And-The-Baby is playing, then I’ll be happy. 

Yeah, I’m lying. 

I also don’t care about Jason’s reaction.  “Jason will know he was right.”  Like that doesn’t happen all the damn time.  Is Jason supposed to be psychic since his accident and I just missed that development somewhere along the way?  How can he be so smart as to “know” Ric took Carly but he can’t be intelligent enough to make sure there’s a guard outside the door at the church so that, oh, I don’t know, Carly doesn’t get kidnapped in the first place?  And don’t say it’s because Jason was “caught up in the wedding arrangements” because, puh-lease.  Jason?  Wedding arrangements?  Those two things so do NOT go together. 

Psychic or not, I will be enjoying Jason’s butt during all of his scenes, I’m sure.  If he could flash a nipple our way, that would be good, too. 

This show needs some fun.  Somebody needs to lighten up.  I’ve read spoilers saying Alcazar will succeed in getting Carly (and The Baby), finally, and will stow her away on his yacht.  I’ve also read that Jason is supposed to lock Ric up in the Panic Room. 

Now see, this would be a great chance for some light-hearted entertainment.  I think we need to throw a few guest stars into the mix and just have a good time with it. 

We could do “Trading Spaces-GH Style!” 

Carly and Ric could switch spaces and decorate each other’s “room of captivity” with the help of the actual designers from the popular cable show, “Trading Spaces.”  Each could partner up with their captor (Lorenzo with Carly and Jason with Ric) and we could watch them paint, sew drapery, spray paint wicker and stuff pillows.  They’d get to wear those cute smocks and everything! 

No?  Too much? 

Oh!  How about this then? 

The writers could make GH more like “The Sopranos” and center all their stories around the mob.  Now I’ll bet THAT would be just great. 

Or better, I’ll just keep being patient and keep my eyes on the butts.