May 12, 2004
Hello and welcome to the “Pathetically Yours, Port Charles” tour! What better way to waste, I mean while, away an afternoon than to spend it watching the “love” letter that is personally addressed to you each afternoon being created? When it’s signed “Pathetically Yours, Port Charles”, you know it’s the genuine article. We here at the Pathetically Yours tours want to ensure that you have an enjoyable and safe trip with us so we have a few rules that are important for you to know:
If you have questions or concerns, or if you just become confused and disoriented during the tour, don’t be alarmed. These seem to be normal reactions. Sit back, relax, and get ready for the “Pathetically Yours, Port Charles” experience! And we’re off!
On your left you’ll see everybody’s favorite quaint little eatery, Kelly’s. That’s Mike (AKA: NuRuby or Ruby-lite, if you will) behind the counter and while we’re not sure when he became head waitress, he seems to have adapted to it nicely. He’s talking to Courtney at the moment about how much better off she’ll be away from the dangerous mob.
Oh look, there’s Emily Quartermaine walking along on your right! Please don’t be alarmed by the way she’s walking. For some reason she insists on carrying huge pill bottles in her teeny purse and the weight of it on her shoulder just throws her gait all off. She’s convinced that she will start a new trend and that soon all the society gals will be trying to shove cans of soda pop into their lipstick cases. You know that Emily, if she wants it to fit, it WILL fit.
As we enter the PC Park, you’ll notice the gazebo up ahead. Normally we would stop here and let you look around a bit, but one of GH’s head writers took the docks set home with him to use for his birthday party; he has this thing about getting his friends together to reenact some of his favorite shootouts and such. In the absence of everyone’s favorite meeting place, characters now meet up, happen upon other characters, get stalked, and make phone calls in the gazebo. Of course, the only reason for people to hang out under the gazebo is rain and we’ve almost used the rain budget for the year in the last few days. An interesting behind the scenes tidbit for you; part of the reason it had to rain so hard during the Courtney/Jason kiss was to drown out Sonny’s yells of protest, “You SAID it was OVER Jaaaasoooooon”. Anyhow, we were all hoping that the docks would come back home soon, but then someone mentioned that when he took it home, our illustrious head writer also said something about being reminded of a great Ned/Faith scene on the docks after seeing Ned’s recent courtroom scene. Now we’re all wondering if we ever want to see the docks again.
As we pass this dark dirty little building here on the left, you’ll probably notice some annoying warbling coming from inside. This is all part of GH’s “Summer Sing Bling” which will be a very important and timely teen story featuring bratty kids dressed like tramps and the drama that ensues when they try to communicate with your typical teenage video director. Good fun, that.
Over yonder you can see the Corinthos’ having a serious conversation. We can’t hear them from here, but yes, it is safe to assume that Carly is telling Sonny all about what a great parent he is.
What? Oh yeah, that is the hospital but we don’t include that on our tour. C’mon people, keep your eyes looking straight ahead…there’s nothing to see here. Moving along.
There’s Kelly’s again on your right this time, and look, Mike’s talking to Courtney again! He’s explaining all of Jason’s wonderful attributes to her and encouraging her to get back with the love of her life. That’s Mike for ya, he really wants what’s best for his girl no matter how many times in a day he comes up with a new “best”.
We’re going to head out to Black Bear Way now. Please hold on tightly because this road is treach-er-ous! General Hospital is considering a satellite ambulance bay out this way, just to handle auto casualties. The most bizarre things happen on this road! Just the other day Emily was just driving along, daydreaming about Nikolas’ all-apparent sense of dignity, and a tourist jumped our trolley driver and aimed this thing straight into a game of chicken with Emily! Thank goodness Nikolas distracted her and she swerved in time to avoid great injury.
I really wanted to be able to show you all the filming of a key Mary/Emily scene but the set was ultimately closed for it after a few mishaps. It seems that the crew and surrounding extra cast members kept laughing out loud as Emily valiantly tried to explain all the reasons why Lorenzo is dangerous. It was mostly sparked by an extra who kept saying “*cough*Jason*cough*” every time Emily started in on Lorenzo’s criminality. I’m so sorry we missed it, but if any of you can come back next week I’ll try to get you in when Sam tells Jax why Sonny will make a better father than he will! That one will be riveting, guaranteed!
The little church in the woods is down that path over there. We aren’t allowed back there because it is a sacred place that’s really just for Emily and Nikolas. You wouldn’t want to go in anyway, trust me. It’s about 500 degrees in there from all the candles that burn night and day, and Emily is always sitting in the first pew blowing hot air and whining; with all that new paint going on we have concerns that the place might spontaneously combust at any moment.
As we pass Kelly’s again on your left, you’ll notice that Courtney has just arrived to have her favorite sandwich for dinner. She and Mike will need to discuss how evil Jason is, so we won’t disturb them.
Oh my! What a treat you all are in for! There’s Sam with a nun and she’s ordering up a Sonny clone to be the father of her baby! I was really hoping you would all get to see the extra special scene where Jason follows Sonny’s orders and determines if Sam’s baby is Sonny’s…but they decided that should be filmed in a more sterile environment.
Uh oh, okay everyone please smile and wave at that group holding the signs outside the west gate there. We don’t want to incite the Soily campaign. They’ve been out there every day for weeks now, and I must tell you I’ve never seen a campaign get such results. Everyone around here is a bit afraid of their power…they managed to get a scene for their couple within days of starting their campaign. That’s almost unheard of! We all tiptoe around and treat them with great respect; they hold the future of GH in their hands. In fact, I keep a Soily Doily in my back pocket so I can wave it when I see them…it’s the only way they’ll let me out of the gate.
As we pass back by Sam and the nun, you should be able to hear the nun tell Sam about how committed a parent Sonny is. We were filming an entire lecture about how truly committed parents stay together for the kids, no matter what, but some chick in customer relations nixed it. Whatever.
If we swing by the Penthouse I’m hoping we can catch something interesting going on out in the hallway. Yep, look to your left everyone and notice the big blonde strapping guy poking at the top of that little dude’s head. Do not be deceived, while it may appear that the little one is jumping up and trying to swat Blondie’s hand away, this little scrapper is actually the one with the upper hand here. Looks can be deceiving. Besides, in the end, everybody knows that the guy with the smarmy grin, standing behind the bodyguard, is the true victor.
Next please notice the pile of rubble directly in front of us. This is the famed PC Hotel! The plan was to rebuild it to its former glory, but certain powers that be became a little sketchy about it when a tourist confirmed the rumors of the wreckage being haunted with some grainy video he shot. It appeared to show Laura wandering amidst the fallen beams wearing her straight-jacket and mumbling about retribution, Stefan, Helena and Stavros pouring over a big map with a bright red star labeled “Head Writer’s House”, and Cameron wandering around wearing a hunting outfit and armed with a rifle, among others. For the moment, it has been decided that this will remain as it is as a shrine to how far we’ve come…though every night *someone* changes the sign to say “How Far We’ve Sunk”.
I’m afraid that concludes our tour for today folks. We hope you’ve enjoyed it because it is, now and forever, Pathetically Yours. ;)
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