May 4, 2004 

Since I get just as bored writing the same things every week as you do reading them, letís try something new.  Iím going to talk both GH and OLTL and Iím going to mix and mingle them in an effort to either spark interest or confuse the heck out of all of us.  If you hate it donít worry, my attention span is short as you well know and by next week Iíll have probably forgotten all about it and moved on to attempting to write the column backwards or something!   

ChildÖCare? 

I am about 90% One Life to Live spoiler free.  Itís a feat sometimes, staying that way, but I manage.  So you can imagine that when Starr was wandering the streets of New York, alone, I was seriously fighting with the knots in my stomach!  I have two daughters who are thankfully barely old enough to even spell ďrun awayĒ yet, but I really felt a little sick over poor Starr.  It wasnít just the wandering of the streets either, I was sure, positive in fact, that they were going to do a child predator story.  From the moment Starr started typing with ďFrodo87Ē (or whatever it was), I had this sick feeling in my gut.  I was slightly angered that OLTL was going trying to put me through watching that and to be quite honest; I mostly fast-forwarded her computer scenes.  The sight of Miss Manning smoking a cigarette at thirteen was enough to just about do me in!  Then she made it to NY, and I watched with pure dread when she went to meet up with her ďfriendĒ.  I fully expected to see a 45-year-old psychopath standing there waiting for her.  I was astounded to see the young boy (And even entertained thoughts that he was a decoy for goodness sakes!  Thatís what no spoilers get you I guess, lol.) and have since found myself really riveted to this story.   

Itís one of those that really wouldnít sound all that great on paper (or in spoilers I suspect) but somehow works on several levels.  Itís been easy for me to see Starr as an overly self-sufficient child given her family and past.  Itís really working to see her vulnerable again, and in over her head for real.  Child characters run the risk of becoming annoying little brats if they arenít knocked down a peg or two once in awhile.  Itís a big balancing act, because if the character isnít allowed more leeway than real-life children (at least my real-life children) are, they basically serve little purpose storyline wiseÖtheyíre usually at their most important in utero in fact.  They have to be a bit more flamboyantly misbehaved, and they have to get themselves into scrapes most kids couldnít conceive of even on the highest of sugar highs.  Running away has made Starr a bit more vulnerable, a bit more understandable even.  If they use it to set her back to a baseline and then allow her to start the process all over again, we might again be able to enjoy watching her make her parents squirm.  Of late, she had become a bit over the top and hard for any parent to watch, frankly.   

Speaking of hard to watch, how about that Michael Corinthos?  Let me be up front here and say Iím not in the habit of picking on little kids (Iíve been gifted with some of the most beautiful pipe cleaner ankle bracelets ever made from my own kids in fact!) and I have absolutely nothing against Dylan Cash.  Heís been just fine as little Michael.  GH doesnít really give their actors (any actors) much to work with these days and DC is no exception.  Michael is a wholly annoying child these days.  Thereís just no reason I can find to sit and watch Michael scenes.  Whereas Starrís parents are wringing their hands and NOT talking about whether they should be apart or not while their daughterís running the streets, Michaelís parents sit around reminiscing about old times over tea and crumpets while their son dives into a well.  Todd and Blair are not good parents really, in fact most soap parents arenít actually good at the job, but at least they occasionally act like a real parent might.  Sonny and Carly almost never act like a real parent would.  How can I watch them, or their kid, with any interest whatsoever?  Sure, they got teary eyed over his possible impending demise, and that was good.  Unfortunately, Sonny naturally assumes that Godís ticked at him for ending his mutually abusive relationship with Michaelís mom (Like yeah, thatís what Godís upset about Sonny!) and weíre all supposed to be amazed that God cured Michael because he wants Sonny and Carly to live together again?  This story would be more interesting if one or the other of them secretly wanted to get back together and used Mikey to do it.  The idea that they both are dumb enough to think that *this* makes any sense whatsoever is insulting.   

Thereís also the fact that Michael has yet to be brought down a peg or two or eight.  Heís gotten much too cocky, annoying, bratty, annoying, snotty and, well, annoying.  My hope is that when Starr finds her way back to her family, sheíll have learned a lesson or two.  Sheís already seeing the error of her ways, at least temporarily.  Michael almost died, but he was sedated through most of it and obviously was largely unaffected.  He flat out admitted that he got what he wanted and heís already revving up his next campaign for Uncle Jason and Aunt Courtney.  Itís not cute, itís not smart, and itís not interesting.  Itís lazy writing; itís the only way they could think of to get Sonny and Carly back in the same house.  Iím lost as to what the writers think we are getting from this, but I gather they must believe that we will think itís noble of Sonny to give Mikey what he wants so he wonít run away again?  I think all three of them are psychotic and if ever there was a child that needs to go off to camp with Lucas for about six years, itís Michael.  I couldnít be more sick of the character.  If they want us to sympathize with him, they need to allow him some depth.   

Every character that has a regular storyline, even a seven-year-old (or however old theyíre claiming he is these days), has to have depth.  These writers donít ďdoĒ depth, and when they lost AJ they lost the character that drove that false sense of urgency between Michaelís parents.  If AJ were here Sonny and Carly would have to fake getting back together because their divorce and recent violence, coupled with their inability to keep Michael safe at home - not to mention keeping him out of organized crime, would be jeopardizing their ability to keep Michael from AJ forever.  Instead, we have this contrived crap being driven by a child that has no personality to back any of it up.  Yeah sure, heís just like his parents, he takes up more airtime than is merited.  Do I really need to watch Michael read his parents a story on two separate days?  Thatís a scene worth viewing twice even?  Instead of thinking heís sweet for wanting his parents back together, I found myself thinking heís a brat with no redeeming qualities or apparent vulnerabilities while his parents are just plain dumber than dirt.  Aww, what a beautiful family!   

I guess it just goes to show that itís pretty difficult to generate the warm fuzzies for cold criminals, particularly when neither they nor those surrounding them ever lay bare the truth.   OLTL acknowledges that Todd is a bad guy.  Maybe not perfectly and maybe not even as often as they should, but at least half the town thinks Todd basically sucks, while the other half is mildly leery of him as well.  Sonny is the favorite son of Port Charles; the angels adorning the Queen of Angelís Church are molded in his likeness, Iím sure of it.  The favored son of the favorite son deserves no less than what every child of divorced parents might wish for; his parents reunited just because he asked nicely.  If only the rest of us were as noble as Sonny, no child would ever need to be separated from any member of his family.  This story could have gone in many different directions, several of which would have actually been interesting.  How about Michael gets a taste of normal life living with Carly (as normal as Carly can be) and lets both his parentís know that he has no desire to ever listen to them scream at each other again and acknowledges that heís much happier without that stress?  How about he fears that Carly has now tossed Sonny aside like she did Michaelís real father and he has second thoughts about taking their word for how terrible AJ is?  How about anything other than, ďbut Michael wants us together?Ē 

Bring the Cuffs! 

I became mildly interested in Courtney and Lorenzo when she rescued him from Carlyís little bondage fantasy in the basement.  While I canít say itís the case now, I used to actually enjoy Courtney once upon a time.  Iím slowly starting to appreciate her (thus far) rejuvenated backbone when it comes to Sonny and Jason.  Likewise, I used to enjoy Lorenzo.  Lately though, he has done nothing but inexplicably pant over Carly while seemingly oblivious to the fact that he passed at least twelve more interesting and engaging women on his way to Kellyís for morning coffee.  Almost like magic, the very day that Lorenzo told Carly to go have at it with her mobster, I felt a renewal of my Lorenzo love.  Itís still in the recovery stages, but thereís hope!  When these two had several scenes together this week, when Lorenzo said things that made sense and Courtney actually heard him (unlike some other people who apparently canít hear anything over the breeze blowing through their skulls), I definitely had my curiosity piqued.  I doubt it will go anywhere, but as of today Iíd be willing to watch Courtney and Lorenzo fall madly in true love (with much shirtless torridity on his part) and be too engrossed in one another to even notice how astonished Carly would be to finally have someone be finished with her of their own volition, not to mention how Jason will utilize the blank stare to its fullest when he lays eyes on the new couple.  This definitely falls under the ďwhat the hell, bring it onĒ category. 

Speaking of cuffs, Iím waiting patiently for the RJ/Evangeline/Antonio triangle that I *know* Iím gonna get!  Have I mentioned lately my love for Evangeline?  She has chemistry with everyone she brushes up against for goodness sakes!  She and Nora have chemistry!  Most definitely a great addition they made there and I cannot wait to see Jessica completely blindsided by Antonio falling in love with someone else.  Sheíll never see that coming, I guarantee it.  Of course, I am spoiler free so Iím just supposing and all, but I really hope I get my wish on this one.  Something tells me Antonio and Vangie will be hot, hot, hot.  Iím not counting RJ out either, because I find him fascinating and so does Evangeline.  With RJ and Antonioís history, not to mention that baby in the middle, it could all be very sordid and soapy.  Just how I like it.

Vendetta, Inc.  

Both shows have moved back toward some corporate intrigue and backstabbing, and Iím loving it!  Todd vs. Buchanan Enterprises is a beautiful thing to behold.  I love that heís niggling away at the edges, while Kelly went and took a big bite out of the middle.  Iím one of like three people that I know of (lol) that donít hate the baby-stealing story.  I donít watch AMC regularly, so I have no heartstrings being pulled when I see Kelly cuddling Ace.  I think sheís nuts, but I can deal with a nut here and there, no problem.  I am starting to really enjoy HTís portrayal of Kelly.  Kelly is a different person now, thatís for certain, but Iím adjusting.  I also enjoy Kevin (in a love to hate kinda way) and Iím very much relishing watching him start putting the screws to her over this whole mess.  Itís fabulous that Todd is intertwined in that mess as well.  Thereís a tangled web being woven over about half the town and it promises to make a mighty fine mess when it blows up.   

GH is making a valiant effort some days to incorporate more of the cast, and Iím glad for that.  Tracy blackmailing Jax into an engagement and possible move into the Q mansion is a very interesting development, I must say.  While itís nowhere near as involving as OLTLís venture, itís a start.  GH is seriously lacking in professional individuals doing professional things (and I donít mean professional hit men) and I enjoyed seeing several PC residents dressed for business and closing deals last week.  More, more, more! 

To top it off, OLTL has a little something going on the side with RJ/Lindsay/Rex, and the addition of a Nora/Daniel dalliance just to irk Lindsay is a nice little aside as well.  Rexís downfall will be all the sweeter if Lindsay eventually helps pull it off, and we know heíll bounce back somehow, only to cause trouble elsewhere.   

Canít Get Enough of

Roxy!  I love that sheís handing out love advice all over town!   

Mike!  Sonny:  ďAre you asking my permission?Ē  Mike:  ďNot in this life.Ē  WooWhoo!  Go Mike!  I will enjoy Mike being honest about his son anytime and anywhere he wants to do it.  His discussion with Dillon was good and let me just note that Dillon would do much better to stick with asking Mike for advice than he would to bother with Saint Emily anymore.  Besides, sheís busy saving babies at the moment.  Puppies will be next on the list. 

Riley!  I love RileyÖthatís all you need to know!  ;) 

Coleman is the best darn day player EVER!  Not only is he amusing, heís also sexy.  How often do you get that?  Well, not often enough actually, but at least weíve been graced with his presence a few times lately.  Remember what I said a few weeks ago about being wrapped around JJYís leg?  If youíre looking for me at the GH Fan Club Weekend and you canít find me with target A, Blake Gibbons will be target B.  Just so you know. 

Canít We Get Rid of:  

Emily?  Please?  First sheís bitchy about Mary (I realize she is a complete nutÖbut like I said, I can handle those most of the time) sleeping with someone so soon after her husbandís death which might normally make sense but this is the same Emily who slept with another man while her husband was very much alive and just out buying lunch!  Iíll bet even psycho Mary couldíve worked up a pretentious scowl for Emily had she been around to witness that.  Then we have Sam, torturing poor Emilyís soul: 

     Jason:  ďEmily, whatever is hurting you, Iím gonna help.Ē 

     Emily:   ďOh Jason, *sob*, Iíve been hurt so badly by that nasty skank Sam!  She barged into that place I try to do charity work at and she started bellowing about not wanting a baby and she *knows* that Nikolas died before we could have a baby of our own!  How could she do that?  Plus, once she practically knocked medown in an elevator and took my candy bar.  Why is she following me around causing me pain, Jas, why?Ē  

Someone needs to tell me why Emily is suddenly in EVERY story on GH?  Sheís Dillonís confidante, sheís Samís keeper, sheís Michaelís favorite visitor, (Why doesnít the brat ask her why she never dropped by before he landed in the hospital?  Then maybe he could just take a hit out on her, for practice.) and sheís the only reason Lucky ever gets a scene at all.  

John McBain?  Okay, Iíll allow that thereís room for him in Llanview but heís on too often.  Iím completely lost as to the point of this Kathryn thing, and I donít feel theyíre approaching this thing with Natalie in the right manner at all.  By the way, is there a more annoying drunk than Natalie?  Good grief.  Iím about ready to watch Paul (another one that is teetering on the brink of ďget off my screenĒ) fly away with Natalie forever.  John can work, but lately heís all over the map and Iím exhausted just trying to keep up with the back and forth of the whole thing. 

Carly?  Um, Iíve said it all before, but I suddenly noticed (again) this week just how useless she is.  What is this character thinking?  Sheís approaching this ďmove in together for the kidsĒ with a sort of amused look on her face.  I donít get it.  Carly has to be the most inconsistently written character on GH, maybe ever.  Is she a goddess, irresistible to all men?  Is she a shrieking shrew that seems to attack at will?  Is she in love with Sonny?  Is she as brain damaged as Jason?  Does she have to call everybody and their sister a whore when sheís the child of an ex-prostitute?    Iím just sick of her.  I used to enjoy Carly, back when she knew who she was.  Simply put, she doesnít have a clue anymore.  Unfortunately for her, we still remember and maybe even more importantly we recall her when she had a spirit and a soul.  You donít have to be the ďgood girlĒ to have soul, but you have to be able to relay depth.  The only thing Carly remembers about herself is the surface hostility.  Sheís completely forgotten all the reasons that made it make sense.  Sheís lost.  Irrevocably, I fear. 

Canít Get Enough of

Roxy!  I love that sheís handing out love advice all over town!   

Mike!  Sonny:  ďAre you asking my permission?Ē  Mike:  ďNot in this life.Ē  WooWhoo!  Go Mike!  I will enjoy Mike being honest about his son anytime and anywhere he wants to do it.  His discussion with Dillon was good and let me just note that Dillon would do much better to stick with asking Mike for advice than he would to bother with Saint Emily anymore.  Besides, sheís busy saving babies at the moment.  Puppies will be next on the list. 

Riley!  I love RileyÖthatís all you need to know!  ;) 

Coleman is the best darn day player EVER!  Not only is he amusing, heís also sexy.  How often do you get that?  Well, not often enough actually, but at least weíve been graced with his presence a few times lately.  Remember what I said a few weeks ago about being wrapped around JJYís leg?  If youíre looking for me at the GH Fan Club Weekend and you canít find me with target A, Blake Gibbons will be target B.  Just so you know. 

Wow, this became long very quickly!  Iíll update the Soily news soon, but I hope you all caught their scene yesterday!  We worked hard to get a chemistry test and it paid off.  Keep those Soily Doilies floating in to TPTB, I heard a rumor that Guza is wallpapering his office with them!  Weíre SO getting Soily!  Iíll also have exciting news about the next target in our campaign.  Letís just say weíre going to go straight to the top!  If Sonny thinks he has an ďinĒ with God, wait until he sees what the Soily Campaign can get when we ask for it extra nicely!



The Soily President


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