I don’t do many things in this world that are purely for my own sake.  I don’t do manicures or pedicures.  I don’t do facials or even at-home, deep-conditioning hair treatments.  I hardly even buy new clothes for myself, because I always think of a dozen better things to spend the money on than myself, and I end up putting it all back.  It’s not that I don’t think I’m important, but because I get more enjoyment out of spending money on my kids or others, or doing things solely to make other people happy. 

Having said that, I have to say that writing about this has probably been one of the best, most purely selfish things that I have ever done for myself in my entire life.  Writing it all down, and confronting myself with the words, after a lifetime of running away from them, has been a blessed release and relief. 

I also want to thank everyone who emailed with their understanding and encouragement, thoughts and prayers, and/or experiences of their own, with an extra-special thank you going to Heather H., for giving me a desperately-needed push in the right direction.  To feel that I’m not alone and to know that I have the support of many wonderful friends is a big comfort to me.  I feel as though I have a “safety net” now, and it empowers me.  I also want to send a big thank you to Katrina for granting me the opportunity to do this for myself, and all of the EOS staff for their warm welcomes and encouragement. 


…Hello.  My name is Sarah, and I’m a Clairvoyant Sensitive.  It‘s been 6 hours and 23 minutes since my last “feeling”… 

All people, souls, and places have their own energy.  Being a Sensitive, also called an Empath, means that you FEEL that energy, and the emotions of others, while being a Clairvoyant means you can see and smell unexplainable things.   

When I read the above, it was like a key clicked in my head, and I was able to open the door to self-discovery.  FINALLY, here was something tangible, something that I felt right about, and something that held up a “You are HERE” map, while shouting, “Welcome home!”, and coming home has never been so sweet.   

While I identify more with the Sensitive aspect, I can’t sell short the Clairvoyance aspects that I’ve experienced either.  As of now, I have not looked in any books; I have not become quite that brave yet, lol.  But, I’ve surfed a bit online, and want to thank http://www.helpforsensitives.com/ for being a wealth of information and links on this subject. 



My first breakthrough happened about a week after I wrote everything down.  I think I’ve discovered why I have always felt such fear about this part of me, and about feeling, seeing, and smelling things I shouldn’t.  The reason was there all along, but I couldn’t see it, or maybe I just wouldn’t see it.  I’ve always thought that the intense fear I’ve felt in dealing with my experiences was something I SHOULD feel; that the fear was automatically part of the experience.   

But combing through my own words, I’ve realized that the intense fear I’ve always felt, stems from my own psychic baggage that I’ve been carrying around since I was my own daughter’s current age. 

My first memorable experiences with this “gift” weren’t good ones, because of the “them” that I mentioned in my first column.  I felt hatred and a distinct impression of evil coming from “them” more often than not, and I was very frightened of “them”.   I think SEEING the Scary Lady really capped it for me, though.  The anger and hatred I felt, the real fear that she wanted to cause me harm, really made a BIG impression in my three-year-old mind.   

But, until I looked at my own words written down, it had never occurred to me that maybe because of those first, traumatic experiences, I myself have been the one bringing FEAR into the equation! I now really believe that, since that point of “Scary Lady”, I’ve subconsciously carried the fear I felt THEN, into every “extraordinary” experience I’ve had since then!  I didn’t see this before I wrote everything down, but now, I really feel strongly that I’m right. 

So, since I last wrote, I have been consciously working on separating that lingering fear from the current “feelings” I have, and for a first effort, I think it’s going well.   I find myself thinking that maybe, just maybe, the spirit world is more peaceful than I what I thought it to be.  For the first time, I’ve felt more in control of the situation, and that, combined with the knowledge that I’ve been the one who’s been bringing a lot of the fear into the situation, has helped tremendously in lessening the fear I’ve always felt about “knowing” and “feeling” things. 

I’ve also been thinking a lot about my Aunt and Grandma, and I am hoping that they sense that I’m trying to “get a hold of them”.  Maybe one of them will come to me in a dream or something; I would really like that now.  I feel that maybe they can help me out with dealing with this thing, also. 

I’ve also been making it as clear as I feel I can, that while I’m trying to open up the lines of communication with them, I’m also trying to keep other lines of communication with unknown spirits DEAD CLOSED.  I do NOT wish to commune with anyone, or anything, else.  So, I would REALLY appreciate it if anyone reading this would say a small prayer or protection incantation for me.  I’m doing what I know, which isn’t much, so could really use the extra help in staying “safe”. 


I’ve also been trying consciously to think of this thing as a gift, instead of a curse.  However, therein lies another problem, because to thank the “higher power” that gave me this gift, I have to confront another need of mine---religion.   

I was raised Catholic, and to believe in God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit.  And I do.  I believe without a doubt that Jesus died to offer mankind salvation, and a chance at a glorious afterlife beside Him.  I got married in a Catholic church, and both my kids were baptized Catholic.  I believe in the burning bush, I believe that Moses parted the waters, I believe.  Also, for some reason, I’ve always felt very strongly about the Virgin Mary.  There’s something so entirely shatteringly powerful about Her image of quiet, feminine serenity.  To me, She represents everything a woman is, was, and will be.  When I pray, I focus on her image.  I feel like She hears me, that she understands my needs and wants, as a woman. 

I believe it all--but do I go to Mass every Sunday?  No.  Do I even go once a month?  No.  Why?  Not because I don’t believe, but simply, because I feel religion isn’t in a church---it’s in your heart.  Do I go to confession?  Nope.  Why?  Because He already knows what we’ve done or haven’t done.  He knows the difference between malice and good intent.  He sees what’s in a person’s heart and head.  I don’t feel that I should have to go tell some stranger that I had “impure” thoughts about Orlando Bloom and me scorchin’ the sheets together, when God already knows about it.  Do I think I’m going straight to hell--do not pass go, do not collect $200-- because:  even though my children recognize and know Jesus and Mary, they can’t recite the bible word for word?; or because I’ve got 4 tattoos and a piercing, and plan on getting more?; or because I use cuss words once in a great while?; or because along with every other kind of music He ever invented, I also listen to, and thoroughly enjoy, the music of Ozzy Osbourne, Disturbed, and other “metal” bands?; or because I had sex before I was married, and had a child out of wedlock?   No, I believe that He sees what’s in my heart, and what’s in my heart is not nearly enough to warrant everlasting hell.   

The God I tell my children about is THAT one, the one who sees what’s inside a person; the one who loves ALL his children regardless if they’re black or white, gay or straight, saint or sinner; the God that even if you turn your back to him, he’ll always be waiting with open arms for your return. 

THAT God…is NOT the Catholic God.   

The Catholic God demands confession and atonement for your sins, or you go to hell; the Catholic God says tattoos and same-sex relationships are strictly forbidden, and if you have one, you go to hell; the Catholic God says you must remain a virgin until your wedding night, or you go to hell; the Catholic God says if you have “feelings” (such as mine), they are not heaven-sent, because ONLY God possesses omnipotence, so those “feelings” are the work of the Devil, so---GUESS WHAT?---You’re going to hell! 

Anyhoo, so while I inherently believe in some things Catholic, I just can’t believe in all the tenets of Catholicism, and I don’t teach my children about a Catholic God.  So, I’m Catholic…but not really.  Or am I? 

I have read into different religions, trying to find my niche, but I can’t quite find one.  The closest I’ve come was Wicca.  I agree in the principles, the foundation, and I think there IS a deep magic to be found in the earth, sky, and nature.  And, to be a little honest, I think athames look SO cool, and also, how great would it be to go sky clad??  Also, I think Wicca would embrace my gift, and teach me a lot about it. 

But, I just can’t fully embrace it.  It’s not because I think it’s wrong, or because I have some no-brained idea that it’s evil or unnatural (PFFT!  Honestly, IMO, it’s probably the most natural religion out there!).  I just feel that I can’t truly embrace the Mother without first letting go of Christ, and secondly, losing my devotion to the Virgin Mary, and I feel like I can’t do that. 

So, I’m not quite Catholic, but I’m not quite anything else, either.  So, I teach my children about the God--very loosely based in Catholicism--which my heart tells me to believe in, and go about my way. 


However, in facing that I have this “gift”, I find myself having to face my religion, and wondering where or how I fit in, and to what purpose did He gave me this gift.  I don’t “do” sensationalism, I definitely don‘t do deceit--what you see is what you get--, I don‘t do “parlor tricks”, and I’m not going to start doing any of them now. 

But, obviously, I was given this “gift” for a reason, and so it was not meant to be ignored. I’m beginning to think that maybe there are things about it that I can change, with help and willpower, but I don’t think I will ever be able to close myself off completely, I’m much too empathetic to people and situations.  This last week proved to me that somehow, I DO have the power somewhere to control my fear of the situation or experience, so there is hope, my friends. 

So, now, off I go to my own little “altar”---i.e. many candles and several Virgin Mary statuettes that I keep on top of my dresser---to pray to Her for guidance in learning to let the good IN, while keeping the bad OUT. 

Until next time,


© Amy Brown Fantasy Art

Enchanting Designz