I don’t do many things in this
world that are purely for my
own sake. I don’t do
manicures or pedicures. I
don’t do facials or even
at-home, deep-conditioning
hair treatments. I hardly
even buy new clothes for
myself, because I always think
of a dozen better things to
spend the money on than
myself, and I end up putting
it all back. It’s not that I
don’t think I’m important, but
because I get more enjoyment
out of spending money on my
kids or others, or doing
things solely to make other
people happy.
Having said that, I have to
say that writing about this
has probably been one of the
best, most purely selfish
things that I have ever done
for myself in my entire life.
Writing it all down, and
confronting myself with the
words, after a lifetime of
running away from them, has
been a blessed release and
relief.
I also want to thank everyone
who emailed with their
understanding and
encouragement, thoughts and
prayers, and/or experiences of
their own, with an
extra-special thank you going
to Heather H., for giving me a
desperately-needed push in the
right direction. To feel that
I’m not alone and to know that
I have the support of many
wonderful friends is a big
comfort to me. I feel as
though I have a “safety net”
now, and it empowers me. I
also want to send a big thank
you to Katrina for granting me
the opportunity to do this for
myself, and all of the EOS
staff for their warm welcomes
and encouragement.
…Hello. My name is Sarah, and
I’m a Clairvoyant Sensitive.
It‘s been 6 hours and 23
minutes since my last
“feeling”…
All people, souls, and places
have their own energy. Being
a Sensitive, also called an
Empath, means that you FEEL
that energy, and the emotions
of others, while being a
Clairvoyant means you can see
and smell unexplainable
things.
When I read the above, it was
like a key clicked in my head,
and I was able to open the
door to self-discovery.
FINALLY, here was something
tangible, something that I
felt right about, and
something that held up a “You
are HERE” map, while shouting,
“Welcome home!”, and coming
home has never been so sweet.
While I identify more with the
Sensitive aspect, I can’t sell
short the Clairvoyance aspects
that I’ve experienced either.
As of now, I have not looked
in any books; I have not
become quite that brave yet,
lol. But, I’ve surfed a bit
online, and want to thank
http://www.helpforsensitives.com/
for being a wealth of
information and links on this
subject.
SCORE!!
My first breakthrough happened
about a week after I wrote
everything down. I think I’ve
discovered why I have always
felt such fear about this part
of me, and about feeling,
seeing, and smelling things I
shouldn’t. The reason was
there all along, but I
couldn’t see it, or maybe I
just wouldn’t see it. I’ve
always thought that the
intense fear I’ve felt in
dealing with my experiences
was something I SHOULD feel;
that the fear was
automatically part of the
experience.
But combing through my own
words, I’ve realized that the
intense fear I’ve always felt,
stems from my own psychic
baggage that I’ve been
carrying around since I was my
own daughter’s current age.
My first memorable experiences
with this “gift” weren’t good
ones, because of the “them”
that I mentioned in my first
column. I felt hatred and a
distinct impression of evil
coming from “them” more often
than not, and I was very
frightened of “them”. I
think SEEING the Scary Lady
really capped it for me,
though. The anger and hatred
I felt, the real fear that she
wanted to cause me harm,
really made a BIG impression
in my three-year-old mind.
But, until I looked at my own
words written down, it had
never occurred to me that
maybe because of those first,
traumatic experiences, I
myself have been the one
bringing FEAR into the
equation! I now really believe
that, since that point of
“Scary Lady”, I’ve
subconsciously carried the
fear I felt THEN, into every
“extraordinary” experience
I’ve had since then! I didn’t
see this before I wrote
everything down, but now, I
really feel strongly that I’m
right.
So, since I last wrote, I have
been consciously working on
separating that lingering fear
from the current “feelings” I
have, and for a first effort,
I think it’s going well. I
find myself thinking that
maybe, just maybe, the spirit
world is more peaceful than I
what I thought it to be. For
the first time, I’ve felt more
in control of the situation,
and that, combined with the
knowledge that I’ve been the
one who’s been bringing a lot
of the fear into the
situation, has helped
tremendously in lessening the
fear I’ve always felt about
“knowing” and “feeling”
things.
I’ve also been thinking a lot
about my Aunt and Grandma, and
I am hoping that they sense
that I’m trying to “get a hold
of them”. Maybe one of them
will come to me in a dream or
something; I would really like
that now. I feel that maybe
they can help me out with
dealing with this thing,
also.
I’ve also been making it as
clear as I feel I can, that
while I’m trying to open up
the lines of communication
with them, I’m also trying to
keep other lines of
communication with unknown
spirits DEAD CLOSED. I do NOT
wish to commune with anyone,
or anything, else. So, I
would REALLY appreciate it if
anyone reading this would say
a small prayer or protection
incantation for me. I’m doing
what I know, which isn’t much,
so could really use the extra
help in staying “safe”.
I’ve also been trying
consciously to think of this
thing as a gift, instead of a
curse. However, therein lies
another problem, because to
thank the “higher power” that
gave me this gift, I have to
confront another need of
mine---religion.
I was raised Catholic, and to
believe in God, Jesus, and the
Holy Spirit. And I do. I
believe without a doubt that
Jesus died to offer mankind
salvation, and a chance at a
glorious afterlife beside
Him. I got married in a
Catholic church, and both my
kids were baptized Catholic.
I believe in the burning bush,
I believe that Moses parted
the waters, I believe. Also,
for some reason, I’ve always
felt very strongly about the
Virgin Mary. There’s
something so entirely
shatteringly powerful about
Her image of quiet, feminine
serenity. To me, She
represents everything a woman
is, was, and will be. When I
pray, I focus on her image. I
feel like She hears me, that
she understands my needs and
wants, as a woman.
I believe it all--but do I go
to Mass every Sunday? No. Do
I even go once a month? No.
Why? Not because I don’t
believe, but simply, because I
feel religion isn’t in a
church---it’s in your heart.
Do I go to confession? Nope.
Why? Because He already knows
what we’ve done or haven’t
done. He knows the difference
between malice and good
intent. He sees what’s in a
person’s heart and head. I
don’t feel that I should have
to go tell some stranger that
I had “impure” thoughts about
Orlando Bloom and me scorchin’
the sheets together, when God
already knows about it. Do I
think I’m going straight to
hell--do not pass go, do not
collect $200-- because: even
though my children recognize
and know Jesus and Mary, they
can’t recite the bible word
for word?; or because I’ve got
4 tattoos and a piercing, and
plan on getting more?; or
because I use cuss words once
in a great while?; or because
along with every other kind of
music He ever invented, I also
listen to, and thoroughly
enjoy, the music of Ozzy
Osbourne, Disturbed, and other
“metal” bands?; or because I
had sex before I was married,
and had a child out of
wedlock? No, I believe that
He sees what’s in my heart,
and what’s in my heart is not
nearly enough to warrant
everlasting hell.
The God I tell my children
about is THAT one, the one who
sees what’s inside a person;
the one who loves ALL his
children regardless if they’re
black or white, gay or
straight, saint or sinner; the
God that even if you turn your
back to him, he’ll always be
waiting with open arms for
your return.
THAT God…is NOT the Catholic
God.
The Catholic God demands
confession and atonement for
your sins, or you go to hell;
the Catholic God says tattoos
and same-sex relationships are
strictly forbidden, and if you
have one, you go to hell; the
Catholic God says you must
remain a virgin until your
wedding night, or you go to
hell; the Catholic God says if
you have “feelings” (such as
mine), they are not
heaven-sent, because ONLY God
possesses omnipotence, so
those “feelings” are the work
of the Devil, so---GUESS
WHAT?---You’re going to hell!
Anyhoo, so while I inherently
believe in some things
Catholic, I just can’t believe
in all the tenets of
Catholicism, and I don’t teach
my children about a Catholic
God. So, I’m Catholic…but not
really. Or am I?
I have read into different
religions, trying to find my
niche, but I can’t quite find
one. The closest I’ve come
was Wicca. I agree in the
principles, the foundation,
and I think there IS a deep
magic to be found in the
earth, sky, and nature. And,
to be a little honest, I think
athames look SO cool, and
also, how great would it be to
go sky clad?? Also, I think
Wicca would embrace my gift,
and teach me a lot about it.
But, I just can’t fully
embrace it. It’s not because
I think it’s wrong, or because
I have some no-brained idea
that it’s evil or unnatural (PFFT!
Honestly, IMO, it’s probably
the most natural religion out
there!). I just feel that I
can’t truly embrace the Mother
without first letting go of
Christ, and secondly, losing
my devotion to the Virgin
Mary, and I feel like I can’t
do that.
So, I’m not quite Catholic,
but I’m not quite anything
else, either. So, I teach my
children about the God--very
loosely based in
Catholicism--which my heart
tells me to believe in, and go
about my way.
However, in facing that I have
this “gift”, I find myself
having to face my religion,
and wondering where or how I
fit in, and to what purpose
did He gave me this gift. I
don’t “do” sensationalism, I
definitely don‘t do
deceit--what you see is what
you get--, I don‘t do “parlor
tricks”, and I’m not going to
start doing any of them now.
But, obviously, I was given
this “gift” for a reason, and
so it was not meant to be
ignored. I’m beginning to
think that maybe there are
things about it that I can
change, with help and
willpower, but I don’t think I
will ever be able to close
myself off completely, I’m
much too empathetic to people
and situations. This last
week proved to me that
somehow, I DO have the power
somewhere to control my fear
of the situation or
experience, so there is hope,
my friends.
So, now, off I go to my own
little “altar”---i.e. many
candles and several Virgin
Mary statuettes that I keep on
top of my dresser---to pray to
Her for guidance in learning
to let the good IN, while
keeping the bad OUT.
Until next time,
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