Im going to make this short and sweet:  I find myself in much the same predicament as EOSs dear Katrina was in almost one year ago:  I need to move. 

No, were not getting kicked out or evicted.  Weve simply outgrown this home.   

When we moved in, there were just three of us, and only 3 years worth of worldly wealth that had to fit into the charming, yellow, 2 bedroom house wed fallen in love with.  But here we are now, 7 years later, and for the last 3 or so, weve been trying to cram into every nook and cranny the now-four of us, 3 pets, and 10 years worth of odds, ends, and junk that weve accumulated..  The drawers, cupboards, garage, attic, etc are all bursting at their seams --literally-- and I just cant fight it or justify it any longer..  We need a bigger home.   

Renting just isnt going to cut it this time.  Rent is so freaking expensive right now, plus trying to find a rental that allows pets is nearly impossible.  And also, simply, Im tired of throwing money away every month.   If Im going to pay out hundreds of bucks a month to live somewhere, its time that that money actually works for me, and goes towards a future for myself and my family. 

Ive never owned a home before, and I find myself both ecstatically excited and purely petrified at the thought:  our own home.  I could plant flowers, tomatoes, and trees, and not have to think about someday when I would be forced to leave it all behind.  I could build a solarium onto the house, and not have to leave that behind either.  I could paint my kitchen purple, green, and yellow without having to ask the permission of a landlord.  I could rip up all the carpets and put in hardwood flooring.  Just the thought of all these possibilities that would be open to me are just amazing and tickle me to no end. 

However, at the same time, I find myself SO nervous and dreadful about the whole loan ordeal.  My main fear is not qualifying for a loan.  Im so nervous about that thought.  I try not to obsess, I really do.  But I am petrified that we wont find a lender, and well spend the rest of our lives like sardines in a can, crammed in this cute, charming, but TINY house. 

Another thing that really bugs me about the thought of moving is leaving my neighborhood..  I really like the safety and comfort Ive felt here.  I like knowing how things work here, and how we fit into the canvas.  I like being outside and being able to see the mountains right in front of me.  This place was the first place weve ever lived that really felt like a home, felt like I belonged..  The idea of giving up that safety net is terrifying.  The idea of starting all over again, getting to know my neighbors, who they are, what they do, bad habits/good habits, etc is daunting to me.  I could choose to ignore it all and just live in my own little world, but eventually the guilt of having chosen to be such a careless part of this new neighborhood would start nagging on me.  The little inner world I had built for myself as a haven, based on not giving a shit about things around me, would end up totally screwed.  Better to suck it up, and get to know people around me while they have an open mind, rather than after ignoring them for half a year, in which time theyve already decided Im either a hermit, quack, or just an everyday, garden variety snatch. 

Lord, but Im overwhelmed by the thought of this whole thing.  I really dont even know where to start at, but Im guessing that, if its meant to be, Ill find it. 


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