Time for a "check up" on
ABC's Daytime Drama and
Sarah Doctor is just the gal to give it to you!
Sarah Doc proudly presents the latest ABC’s for ABC Daytime…
A is for Asinine, which, as we all know, stands for MANY recent ABC Daytime things, including:
· how half of Pine Valley seems to know that Bess is Miranda, except for the baby's mother.
· why the finger sent to Antonio after Cris "died" was a total, irrefutable match of Cris' DNA...but yet, as we've most recently seen, Cris is still very much in possession of 10 luscious fingers..
· how does it take 6 pallbearers to carry a casket during a funeral, but only ONE rebel without a warrant to dig it up, and then heave-ho it back OUT of the grave, 6 feet up?
· From what our dear Sage hears rumored (http://www.eyeonsoaps.com/rumor.htm), Nik could be Connor and Connor might be Nik---WTF is up with that??
· Is there ANY reasonable explanation for Em just *happening* to have Mary's diary on hand?? Why would Em or Nik have possession of ANY of Mary’s things, much less her personal journal? Hmm...and they call Mary the psycho?? Pfft.
B is for Brat, which is honestly the nicest thing I can say about that Port Chucklian, red-headed stepchild from hell, Mikey. Such ill-mannered, constant, grating behavior from a kid who tried to kick his own mother outta the house plainly deserves some sort of EOS ode commemorating “The Littlest Gangster“...JenJen, Sage, anyone???
C is for Connor. First off, does anyone know where that god-awful accent is supposed to come from? Secondly, does anyone really care? Thirdly, that sweet afterglow of totally screwing Zander over just to get with Nik must have finally faded, since it seems that Emily has started THAT ball rolling again with Nik and Connor...or is it Connor and Nik…hmmm…
D is for the Despicable OLTL Dumbasses that are directly responsible for Desecrating the Delightful Duo of David and Dorian by Deliberately Dumping Dead-Dull Kelly into the mix. If there was ever a time that a smackdown was in order for TIIC of OLTL, this is SO it.
E is for Ego. Erica, Adam, JR, Sonny, Carly, Antonio, Asa, Guza, Frons...the list just goes on and on...
F is for Friday, which is that day of the week that annoys us soap watchers the most because it's ALWAYS on a Friday---at the VERY last moment of the show nonetheless---that a car/truck/boat/building blows up with one of our favorite characters trapped in it, or the heart monitor flat lines, or a character comes back from the dead, or the identity of the serial killer is revealed, etc…
G is for Green, as in Janet-from-Another-Planet-Green. Now that Robin Mattson has left the role of Heather on GH, wouldn't anyone else like to see Janet pop-up in PV again? Perhaps recently divorced from poor Trevor, with a young Amanda in tow to soften JR's heart again? Or maybe even with a GOOD recast of Tim to lead Edmund and Maria's saintly daughter running fast down the path to no-good?
H is for ho-hum, which was our reaction to Sonny's latest "I'll see you dead and buried before..." speech. *yawn*.
I is for Incredible, which is what NLG's sweep performances were on GH. I don't care if you think Alexis is an uppity bitch, or if you think she showed just a tad bit of bad taste in approaching Sam so quickly after Baby Lila's death. Regardless of the character, NLG totally kicked ass. If those scenes don't put her in the running for an Emmy, I will be very surprised.
J is for Jacked, which is where fans of Ryan and Kendall, Liason, ZEm, LiRic, CarLo, and Jolie have found themselves, and where fans of Tad and Krystal, David/Dorian, and CarSon are fast heading to.
K is for Kristina, who, while laying there dying, had to listen to some man she's met all of 3 times go on for hours about being her daddy, telling her that she was going home with him, and blather on about how he was never EVER going to let her go. If she hadn’t already been scared witless from feeling so sick, staying in a strange place, away from home and all her own toys, and seeing her Mommy so teary-eyed, snot-nosed, and worried, then a stranger telling her that he's going to take her away from her mom, home, and everything she knows, definitely would have done the trick.
L is for lying, which has been rampant in Pine Valley for TOO DAMN LONG. We've got all the lies going around about Ryan’s shooting; David, Tad, et. al about the true identity of Baby "Bess"; TIIC of AMC lying to themselves about what they think the AMC fans want to see, while ignoring the things that the fans actually DO want to see…
M is for mmmmmmmm-ama, which was my reaction to seeing David Fumero back on my screen again. WOWZER. The man came back even hotter than before, which IS a feat.
N is for Naive, which apparently is what Frons feels ALL women are. I mean, come on---Babe TRULY believes that Bianca will forgive her for keeping the truth a secret and letting Bianca painfully grieve for a baby that wasn't really dead? Yeah, NOT going to happen. And over in Llanview we've got the DERR Sisters, Jess and Nat. They were in a dead heat in the race for Supreme Stupidity until that ridiculous, on-the-rebound-from-Antonio marriage to Tico totally won Jessica the crown, cape, and scepter. And how naive was it to think that someone with a heart and ethics could remain happily married to a man that coldly kills people for living? Incredibly, and it's refreshing to know that Courtney has discovered just how naive she was....even if it was years after the rest of us knew...
O is for Oh, boy, this ought to be good. If rumors hold true about Carly and Steve, can't WAIT to see the fireworks between her and Liz. They have a hard enough time getting along when they cross paths by chance, so you just KNOW that Carly boinking Liz’s brother isn’t going to sit well with either of them.
P is for Pfft! which is my response to Sonny's comment on 11/12 of "...I've gone overboard on security, but I always keep Michael and Morgan, you know -- I don't risk them with any kind of danger. They're always protected. They live in a penthouse. They're surrounded by bulletproof glass." Hmm...anyone else notice he sorta kinda left out the part about when that “gift” for Mikey's birthday was delivered, and how that supposedly SUPER safe, bulletproof penthouse went KA-BLOOEY!?!? And I also noted that Sonny left out other key points about himself to his newest, well-stacked Dial-a-Lawyer, including shooting his wife in the head while she delivered his son, and hanging a father off a hook in a meat locker for 3 days while threatening him, and other members of his family, with death unless the father signed away all his parental rights. All that must have just slipped his mind? Also Pfft!!-able, was this statement from Sonny, "I'm angry, you know, but I make sure that I don't show it in front of my children." Yeah, Mikey learned how to yell, shatter crystal, and order hits from whom---Carly?? The only thing he's learned from Carly is how to whine.
Q is for Question??:
? If digging up a grave without a warrant is such a no-no, why is John not flat out on his ass...aka jobless, unemployed, pink-slipped, canned, etc…??
? For being such a self-appointed martyr, Emily is sure being awfully supportive of Nik's recent murder/shooting rampage. Apparently, as long as her hair doesn't get mussed or her manicure screwed, it's all good??
? And lastly, why is it that the heir to the throne of Total Dickdom, JR, can get the words, "Bianca, you're holding your daughter" out of his deceitful, cold-hearted lips, and yet Erica, Bink's own mother, couldn't or wouldn't??
R is for Reuse and Recycle, which is the mainstay of ABC soaps. For one example, how many times have stairs been the cause of a miscarriage, or near miscarriage, on GH? And what about what happens every time Lindsay gets a man? Who ends up with the guy? Nora, that’s who. I sincerely think the writers just dig out the old scripts and change the names around.
S is for Santos, and specifically, the only Santos that was ever truly a joy to watch---Julia. Maria---*snooze*. Mateo---cute, but clueless. Anita and Rosa---meh, nothing worth writing home about. But Julia was a Santos worth watching, and one you WANTED to watch, couldn't wait to watch. She had none of that trademark Santos "holier-than-thou" attitude, and enjoyed life for what it was. Yes, it really exists---a fun, interesting Santos. Now if only AMC would remember that and lure Sydney Penny back for longer than 3 days, the Santos family might just be salvageable yet.
T is for Tico, who has got to be the most boring bad guy that OLTL has ever had. Ever.. We're all supposed to hate they guy, and be righteously indignant that he swindled "poor Jessie Buchanan" into marrying him, but really none of us can stay awake long enough during his scenes to know anything except he's slick and slimy and ...zzzzz...
U is for Unconditional and Understanding, which are the two words that describe Viki, as a mother, to a T. Jess went and got herself knocked up, Kevin stole Joey's wife from him (then proceeded to dump her for her cousin, lol), Nat initially joined forces with Alison Perkins to take Viki and her children DOWN, Joey went out with Viki's nemesis-of-all-time Dorian, Kevin acts like the entire world should revolve around him, Nat put ALL her inheritance money in a trust fund, Jess married Tico on the rebound...the list goes on and on about the things her children have done that would have caused lesser mothers to recoil, or put up walls. But not Viki. While Viki doesn't always agree with her children's actions, she has always provided them with unconditional love and understanding. No where else on ABC Daytime is there such a mother as Viki.
V is for Vanishing storylines, which is what GH excels at. Whatever happened with that skull that Alexis blackmailed Scotty with? One minute, it was a hot investigation into Scotty's past; the next, it's as if the skull never existed. Then, when Ric first came to Port Chuck, he dreamt of an explosion, a woman screaming, and he woke up in a cold sweat, vowing revenge against Sonny. Now, how exactly did all that tie into the *big* reveal of Sonny and Ric being half-brothers?? It didn't. It was just another storyline that simply vanished.
W is for When did THAT happen, as in exactly when the hell did Luke and Heather get together for a "couple of incredible days, long ago"?? Where exactly was Laura, and for that matter, the entire GH viewing audience, who know that Luke and Heather had exactly ZERO storylines together?
X is for Xerox machine. Why is it that NO ONE on soaps ever Xeroxes their butt? No one can convince me that Todd---possessing such a fun and easy rude streak---wouldn’t have Xeroxed and faxed his butt to Kevin at least once…a week.. And I’m sure Starr would love to take a crack at it, too, lol. Xeroxing their butts together to send to Kevin would be just another Father/Daughter Kodak moment for those two.
Y is for Yes, the writers ARE on crack.
Z is for Zipper, which is what Sonny should learn to keep up in order to avoid fathering yet another child, and to avoid making GH viewers sit through yet another custody battle for one or more of his illegitimate children. Or maybe his would-be assassins just need to aim lower next time?
Until next time,