Time for a "check up" on ABC's Daytime Drama and
Sarah Doctor is just the gal to give it to you!

Eye on Soaps was fortunate enough to be approached by a witty and talented writer in search of new digs.  I've loved her writing for a while now and I think you will too.

I'm proud to present to the Eye on Soaps readership our newest columnist: 

Sarah Doctor





Woo-freakin’-hooty!!  *Finally*, the end of the “Who Killed Michael Cambias” storyline!  It started off so powerfully, but a couple months into it, the storyline seemed to totally lose momentum.  Before the story finally picked up again in late January, it had REALLY dragged out for a couple months, but that was my only big criticism with this storyline.  For the most part, I’ve got to give kudos to the actors/actresses involved, and MMT & crew. 

What a refreshing change of pace it was to watch a soap storyline that integrated almost all of its characters on the canvas!  On a daily basis, AMC treated us to an ever-changing cavalcade of PV denizens, young AND old, without forcing us to swallow the same four characters every single day…and that, as most GH fans know, is a treasure unto itself!  In addition, other storylines on the show weren’t “lost”, backburnered, or sacrificed for the sole purpose of furthering the murder mystery.  We still were treated to the OLTL/AMC crossovers, the “Who’s the Daddy” storyline with Babe, the Tad/Simone/Liza/Krystal mess, Edmund getting shot and his little secret with Brooke, etc… 

Also, the murder storyline seemed well thought-out for the most part.  TIIC took seemingly innocuous incidents, such as Erica trying to stab Kendall, and used them as part of a larger purpose, in that case by foreshadowing the reveal that she shot Adam the night of the murder.  Also, as the story was wrapping up, everybody's part in what had happened that night was explained and made sense of, instead of leaving us thinking “…but what about…?” 

And thirdly, wasn’t it bliss to have some really great acting backed up with some dynamic writing for once?  The AMC writers, and each of the actors/actresses involved in the storyline, most notably Eden Riegel and Alicia Minshew, all pulled their own weights on this one, and it created a balanced, interesting storyline!  Scenes from the entire murder mystery ran the gamut from being absolutely horrifying to deeply emotional to impishly funny.  The writing was on target, the acting was superb, and that combination is what really saved this storyline from sinking into the same deep, watery grave as most soap opera murder mysteries. 


After watching Erica go off the deep end on prescription drugs, after watching her hit rock bottom and struggle to get clean, and after watching her maintain her sobriety the last few years, is it any wonder that I’m really cringing about Erica’s recent affair with the booze?  Been there, done that, got the “Erica Kane Survived the Betty Ford Clinic” t-shirt.  Why, why, WHY do soaps execs seem to get-off on rehashing old storylines?  I can think of about a dozen other storylines that would put La Lucci front and center, stories that haven’t been done already.  And yet, the AMC writers, after crafting a well-written murder mystery, come up high and dry for a new storyline for Erica Kane?  Guess I’ll chalk it up to my own momentarily misguided belief that the writers have some sort of a clue about the characters and the show they are writing about, and just sit back and watch Erica belt back another one. 


On another AMC note, how pathetically sad was it, that Greenlee went missing, and NO ONE noticed, save Ryan?  Don’t get me wrong,  I thoroughly enjoyed watching Greens get harshly brought back to reality after all the asinine stunts she‘d pulled lately, but it still seems a *bit* unrealistic that not ONE person really noticed, or cared, for that matter.  She may act like a psychotic, jealous shrew at times, but damn, even *she* deserves to have at least ONE person, besides Ryan, who cares if her face ends up on a milk carton.  

Speaking of PV’s Boy Wonder, what the hell is up with this asinine, recently fabricated, supposedly primordial “psychic connection” garbage between him and Greenlee?  PFFT!  I remember their history, I watched when those two used to…um…let’s just say “date”?  And IMHO, a little bumping uglies, thrown in with a few of Greenlee’s usual episodic jealousy fits and unfounded accusations, just does NOT scream “psychic connection” to me…go figure. I suppose pretty soon, she’ll be telepathically checking out everyone’s psyche in PV, seeing what makes them tick, and reading his or her futures.   Although, at least now she has a promising future---Pine Valley’s own “Miss Cleo”, turban and muumuu included… 


“See-moan, I be tellin’ ya now, chile’…stay fa’ away from dat ole’ mon, Taaad…ri’ now, he got two udda hoochies he givin’ it to, guhl, an’ he’s goonna break yo’ heart, chile’…he no goo’ fuh you, woo-mon…Und by da’ way, chile’, yo’ lucky numbah’s fo’ today are 1-5-17-25-27-31... ”


My, my, my…Llanview has certainly made me feel quite at home the last couple weeks, as suddenly Docs of all shapes and sizes were coming and going quicker than you could say “La Bouiche”…

Dr. Rae Cummings

Dr. Ben Davidson

Dr. Kenny Haver

Dr. Stephen Haver

Dr. Jordan Kingsley

Dr. Michael McBain

Dr. Marty Saybrooke (Shouldn’t there be a Thornhart at the end of that name?)

(ex-)Dr. Dorian Cramer Laurence

(ex-)Dr. Troy McIver

And next week, we can add Blair's brain doctors/surgeons, and Kelly's ob-gyn to the ever-growing list.  Eh, no complaints here, though.  In fact, I honestly think ABC ought to look into doing a soap opera that mainly revolves around a hospital, something with young hot, well-muscled Doctors, gossipy nurses with deep, dark secrets, and some good old-fashioned hospital drama!  They could call it something like…oh I don’t know… maybe “General Hospital” and it could air sometime between OLTL and that other GH show, “Gangster Hangout.”…Yeah, sure, there’s a hospital in THAT one too, but it’s really only used as a place to patch-up the show’s mobsters, their families, and their victims…oh, and Liz.  Anyhoo…… 


For the past two weeks, I find myself having a BIG problem with Jessica, and it’s not the usual gripe “aboot” how Jess came back from visiting her dad in LONDON sporting a blatant and unexplained CANADIAN accent.  Don’t get me wrong…I think Bree Williamson has done a pretty decent job of filling those mighty big shoes left by Erin Torpey.  But, that having been said, could her character have been any MORE naïve the last couple weeks?!  After watching her blindly swallow up Haver’s asinine explanation about why he had Rae’s I.D., I found myself positively itching to step out, and mail Stevie a nice red leotard with “JESS” sewn on it in bold, black letters.  


HELLO?!?  We’re talking about a possible SERIAL KILLER here, not some habitual jaywalker or someone who has a glove box full of unpaid parking tickets.   She KNEW Rae had been reported as missing…she KNEW the cops suspected Haver…She KNEW that John McBain, an experienced FBI agent, suspected Haver…She KNEW Viki was worried about her hanging out with Haver, and even promised her that she wouldn’t be around him anymore…She KNEW that her *Police Commissioner* Uncle Bo, whom she’s known all her freaking life, suspected Haver…and yet, she STILL thought that Haver, a man she’d only known a few measly months, was innocent, and she offered to let Haver drive her…how ridiculous was that?  She felt so bad for him being accused of being a serial killer, so what--she wanted to stoke up his male ego by letting him play “the man” and drive her?  They say people with lower IQ’s are easier to hypnotize than people with higher IQ’s, and Haver certainly chose his newest stool pigeon well. Stick a fork in me; I’m done with this mess! 


Moving on to the next OLTL mess, I’m STILL trying to make sense out of TIIC’s lame attempt at this “Michael isn’t Al anymore, but his soul is still there, but Al’s memories aren’t, but we still see Al as playing Michael, who’s sorta-kinda still got Al in him, but not really” storyline.  PUH-LEEZE!  What IDIOT thought up this piece of convoluted, nonsensical stupidity?!? 

DING! DING! DING!  We have a winner! 

But, I mean seriously, folks.  Today, I found myself trying to explain to my once-in-a-while-OLTL’er hubby, about what exactly happened to Michael/Al over Valentine‘s Day.   It was at that moment that I realized that the best way to explain it…actually, the ONLY way to explain it without getting lost in that idiotic “Al‘s gone, but we still see him as Michael, but really, Al‘s totally gone“ never-ending cycle…was that the character of Al Holden is entirely gone from OLTL, and that the role of Michael McBain was now being played by Nathaniel Marston.  So, then my husband had to question why TIIC even did that whole, inane  “Heaven Can Wait” storyline, if the character was going to leave the show anyway?  Why didn’t they just leave Al totally dead, and just hire NM as Michael in the first place?  Not only that, but then my hubby went on to say that OLTL could have had some great storyline opportunities with that---in Marcie trying to deal with life after Al, meeting Michael for the first time, and having to deal with seeing her beloved‘s look-alike around town; Marcie trying to decide if her feelings for Michael were for HIM, or just because he looked like Al; and someday, if Max were to return to Llanview, wouldn’t it have been a shock for him to see someone who looks like his beloved, dead son?!?…Which led ME to wonder:  How can MY husband (who thinks that re-runs of “Sabrina, the Teenage Witch” and “Saved By The Bell” are MUST-see TV), in a split second, come up with a more viable, far more sensible, and GADS easier to-understand scenario for bringing NM back onto the OLTL canvas, than that contrived crapfest that was shoved down our throats that took TIIC *weeks* to come up with?  Hm…Anyone want to tackle THAT one? 


I may be in the minority, but I absolutely LOVED watching Aunt Betsy decide to get her rocks off with David!  THAT was must-see TV!  How it proceeded from that, to Aunt Betsy kicking the bucket, was done flawlessly.  I have been eternally thankful that not only did OLTL have the wisdom to bring Tuc back into the fold, but also that they have been using and abusing his talents to no end!  Pairing David with Dorian again, was also a very smart move. They have wonderful sexual and emotional chemistry together, and David has always brought out Dorian’s lighter, comedic side, and it’s always a joy to watch the many facets of them as a couple. 


Then, there’s the latest chapter in the never-ending “Manning Family Woes” book…subtitled “Todd and Blair---betraying, lying, conning, stabbing, kicking, biting,  scratching, clawing, conning---it‘s all foreplay to these two.”  Regardless of what she wanted everyone to believe, it’s becoming quite apparent that Blair has NO clear memory of what happened “that night”, just tiny slivers of the memory of her and Todd fighting right before.  So, I have come to the conclusion that her rape accusation was an assumption, based off of the following combination:  what little she did remember; her physical appearance afterward; Dorian’s immediate, pushy assessment of rape; and in true, “Blair“-esque fashion, she purely wanted REVENGE on Todd.  She wanted him to pay for duping her as Walker for all those months, for insinuating himself once again in the lives of herself and the children, and quite frankly, she wanted him to pay because she found herself in love with Todd again, and it totally pissed her off.  I would have found Blair’s accusation of rape a lot more believable if TIIC hadn’t had the idiotic notion a while back to have Blair daydream about her and Todd.  Just my opinion, but I honestly don’t know of any woman who, a few weeks after being raped, indulges herself with romantic fantasies about her attacker.  I still cannot believe a jury, even a TV jury, found him UNQUESTIONABLY guilty of raping Blair.  I could have driven a train through some of the loopholes in that case! 



Just a couple of GH things at the moment that I feel the need to examine… 

Zander’s dead; Wait, no he isn’t, he’s mysteriously missing; Scotty’s dead; Whoops, wait, Scotty’s not dead, he was just drawn that way, but really, him and Serena (BIG thumbs up to the writers for researching enough to realize that the man still had a living, breathing daughter!) are currently sporting kick-ass tans, while some muscular, dark-eyed, dark-skinned island boy named Paulo fans them with palm fronds, while they drink endless Pina Coladas and Shirley Temples, and watch the sun rise and set every day over their little tropical isle of paradise…(Don’t know about ya’ll but that’s all the incentive *I* need to push my children into a life of corrupt and crooked politics!)…But wait! Now, the body that WAS Zander, but then was Scotty, has NOW been proven, without a doubt, to be…Zander again.  Okay, GOT IT!…But, am I really supposed to believe it?  Nah.  This is the same writing team that had a dead body PROVED, beyond a shadow of a doubt, to be a 100% DNA match to Carly, and had several characters reiterate that fact over and over, but still, somehow Carly managed to make it to her own funeral, very much alive, but badly in need of some crème rinse and make-up. 100% DNA matches just don’t hold much credence on GH anymore, and somehow, I’m betting that the faceless crispy critter in question here, shares NONE of the same genetic material as Zander, and ends up being one of those nameless, faceless, homeless people that GH always ends up throwing in at the last minute.  And after a few blank references from Lucky or Ric about “no family” and/or “not being reported as missing”, we’ll never hear anything else about it---ever.  Including the fact that the genetics lab is BADLY in need of a random drug testing policy for it’s employees, because someone there was obviously smoking crack when they concluded that Zander was a 100% DNA match for a 5’3”, 350 lb., 47-year-old Iraqi/Japanese/Mexican/Irish homeless guy named Muhammed Yonishiwa Sanchez de los Rodriguez O’Brien who had a raging case of psoriasis, unchecked diabetes, and a liver the size of a pencil eraser. 


Did anyone else like Courtney better when she was poor, and her and AJ had just gotten married, and AJ was just starting to really like her??  So now, she got a pretty decent chunk of change, and suddenly went from her little, naïve, cottonbunny self, into this in-your-face, “Miss Business Thang” overnight.  

But, in honor of Court’s recent windfall, I’ve composed the following about her life and times in PC. 

“Life Without The Borg”
(sung to the tune of Bon Jovi’s “Livin’ on a Prayer.”) 

Jason enforced on the docks

Gunning down his victims,

He coldly killed them all for love,

For Sonny’s love.

Courtney worked the strip joint all night.

To keep her husband from jail,

She lap-danced Jason, and thought

“MMM…he’s HOT!”

She said “We’ve got to give in,

To these urges we’ve got,

It doesn’t make a difference

If it’s inappropriate or not!

I’ll put out for you

On our first date,

And you’ll see

Why your brother’s married to me!”

Oh-ho, AJ totally stalked me!!

OH-HO!  So, I totally divorced him!

Jason got me a dog, and then our own little love nest

OH-HO!  Now, what can I do next?

Courtney joined a karate class

And quickly became

A Lethal fighting machine, in one lesson

In one lesson.

Then, they both started to fight

And she had to leave

With Carly’s kids, to keep them safe,

And there, she met a new face.

She got some HOT feelings

For good boy Brian,

But then he was gonna kill Jace,

So she tried to blow him away,

She let an innocent Zander

Take the blame, said “Jason, I won’t tell.”

But her marriage is still in hell!

Oh-ho, she’s halfway there

OH-HO!  Life without the Borg

Take Jax’s hand, let him show you the “ropes”,

OH-HO!  Life without the Borg!

Then came the big hotel fire

And Courtney got a big reward

for saving a rich woman’s dog,

And now owns…those docks.

She paid off all her daddy’s debts,

And then she changed all the rules

For moving shipment on the docks,

Which made Jason, say “Hey! Let’s talk!”

She said “You gotta STOP

From killing on my prop.

It doesn’t make a difference

If you get away or get caught.

I‘ve got 10 mil to lose now,

So your gun had better not

Go POP! on my prop,

OR I’ll tell the cops!”

Oh-ho!  She’s almost there.

OH-HO!  Life without the Borg!

Take Jax’s hand, let him show you the “ropes”.

OH-HO!  Life without the Borg! 

…and that’s all I’ve got to say about that…