Best Lines of the Week

Part One---Monday and Tuesday
 

AMC
 

?        Derek: Maria, where's my witness?

“Can I get a witness…I want a witness…”  Mr. Mick was singin’ his groove thing in my head the rest of the day.
 

?        Tad (to Adam):  I doubt those chimps on your payroll could find the bathroom with a map and a flashlight.

Hee-hee…
 

?        Tad:  Just don’t mess with my hair.

*blink*  Yeah, cuz, you know, your hair always looks so neat and stylin’…and stuff.
 

?        Jamie:  Close your eyes and lean into me.  Come on.  We’re time traveling now, 10 years into the future.  We’re married and we’re living on a cattle ranch in Argentina.  Big hacienda, poco fiesta, celebrating our 10^th anniversary.  Our kids are clocking zs…

Aw…on the run from like the ENTIRE WORLD, but he still takes the time to wax poetic to his ladylove…what’s NOT to like about this guy?  I can totally dig why Babe would follow this guy to some third world country where you can’t trust the water not to kill you.
 

?        Ryan:  Kendall.  So you’re behind this.

Oh yeah, Ryan, that’s IT.  It’s ALWAYS Kendall, isn’t it?  She was probably the instigator of the war on Iraq, too…the floating chad fiasco…the day the music died…bell bottoms…and hell, let’s just blame the mass murders of the Holocaust on Kendall too.  Pfft..  What a tool.
 

?        Ryan: Greenlee, Jonathan is my brother, all right?  He’s not some whack job.

What did I tell ya?  Ryan.  Is.  Total.  Toolage. 
 

?        Greenlee:  I connected the dots and they led to you.

Really?  Hmm…I get a cute little bunny instead…

?        Bianca: Well, Babe doesn’t exactly think inside the box.

That’s putting it mildly, honey…REAL mildly.
 

?        Maggie: Yes. I love you. I've never loved anybody like this in my life. I love us.. I love what we have. I don't want to mess that up. Please, Jonathan, give me the knife. Let me put it away.

Hmm…mental abuse, violence against a woman, said-woman letting misogynist pig use and abuse her while singing his praises…Hell, just stir a short, dark mobster with a big ego into the mix, and VOILA! -- Instant-made GENERAL HOSPITAL..
 

?        Bianca:  JR is working from the dark side.

Like father, like son.  The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.  Evil begets evil..  Do I really need to elaborate?
 

Best mock of the almighty Chandler name:

?        JR:  So you played God with my son?

?        Jamie:  Well, we couldn’t take the chance that you would play Chandler.

Ooo---TAG!!!
 

?        JR:  I want to be a good father.  I want him to be proud of me.  I want to do the right thing.

Then stop being such a dickweed.  Duh.
 

?        David:  Krystal and I have a right to know what’s going down.

?        Aidan:  Really?  Like Krystal and you had a right to keep Bianca’s baby from her?

DOH!!  That was too good, you sexy, sexy man!!
 

?        Kendall: I think Miranda's pretty thrilled, too, the little worm.

?        Ethan: She's just ticklish, aren't you?

?        Kendall: Hmm.

?        Ethan: Just ticklish.

Aww…these two are just SO sweet together, and loved this cooing and goo-gooing over Baby M.  TOO cute.
 

?        Erica:  You’re in for a world of pain.

…and Erica would know all about pain, having caused so much of it for herself and pert-near everyone else in PV, not to mention the pain and suffering that we fans went through watching the whole “Desiree” debacle.
 

OLTL
 

?        Margaret:  I told you I was going to rock your world!  And tonight you’re going to see the magnitude of my love for you.

That totally gives ME the willies, and I’m not even the one tied to the bed, being used as a handy-dandy sperm bank.  *shudder* 
 

?        Roxy:  I mean a couple of little screwups, little minor faux pauses…

?        Roxy:  …it’s just water under the fridge.

?        Roxy:   You know, like they say, “If the glove fits, how can you acquit?”

If I were a lesbian, Roxy and me would totally have it going on in a big way.  I seriously love this woman, and the totally screwed-up things that come out her mouth.  OLTL is made finer by every second that Roxy is on-screen.
 

?        Natalie:  …and then did the dumbest thing I could’ve ever done in my life, which was get involved with Paul Cramer.  My god, how stupid was I?

Pretty damn stupid, Nat.  Pretty damn stupid.
 

?        Natalie:  Ok.  (reading from Cris’ burnt journal) “I’ve stolen Cristian Vega’s past, and I’ve stolen his wife.”  What does this mean, John?

?        Natalie:  “Natalie has no idea who I really am, and neither do I.”  No, I still don’t understand what this means.

Jesus H. Christ, woman!!  How much clearer do you need it to be?!  Let me sound it out for you:  THE DUDE YOU’RE BOINKING IS NOT YOUR HUSBAND!!  He’s like Diet Cristian:  Just one calorie, not Cristian enough.
 

?        Blair: I don’t care if I have to turn this mountain upside down, I am going to find you, you crazy bitch.  Because I’m on your trail now, and I swear to God, if you’ve touched one hair on Todd’s head, I will kill you with my bare hands!

Hmm…wouldn’t this have been more interesting if Blair knew exactly WHY Margaret kidnapped Todd, lol…“…and I swear to God, if you’ve touched one kinked-up pube on Todd’s nut sac…”  Hee-hee.
 

?        Jessica:  I figured you out.  I know what’s going on with you.

Honey, pleeze..  You don’t even know what’s going on with gravity.
 

?        Margaret:  After everything we have been through together--the avalanche, the hypothermia, the gunshot wounds--we always end up right back here.  It’s as if God had it planned for us all along.

Aww…ain’t love grand?
 

?        Jessica:  You’re still in love with me, Cristian, aren’t you?

Honey, three words:  GET OVER YOURSELF.
 

?        Duke:  Grandpa, this is the second time you’ve been disrespectful to a woman in front of me.  I mean, I didn’t think Buchanan men did that sort of thing.

DUDE.  That’s like the second order of business for the day, following right on the heels of “Blackmail/Threaten someone you see as standing in your way of world domination.”
 

Doc’s most favorite Detail Police, Nancy, chimes in with:

?        Bo:  I’ve got to go with them for processing.

Huh?  He’s now police commissioner of the world?  I mean, here he is, Llanview Police commish, with the Pennsylvania Lt. Governor---in LOUISIANA.  How on earth is he going to have ANYTHING to do with their processing?!  And, since they are in Louisiana, what about extradition!?
 

?        Blair (talking to Kelly on phone):  Well, I’m up here in the mountains.

Words of experience about mountains and Cramer women:  Bad, bad combination.  Dorian was trapped for days somewhere up there with arch-nemesis Viki, and the last time Kelly was up in the mountains, she came back down with a stolen baby.  I’m just saying is all.
 

Margaret:  Blair Cramer Buchanan Manning Holden Manning---wait, did I forget a Manning in there somewhere?

Peggy made a funny!  Actually that was pretty damn good, Margaret.  You know, for being a fruit loop and all.
 

GH 

…And the Well, Derr!! award for the week goes to…

?        Courtney:  I was never planning on Hope living here.

Let’s examine this for a second, shall we?  Bridget lives with Courtney in Courtney’s apartment.  Ergo, if Bridget wants her baby back, then baby makes three..  Simple mathematics.  I mean, where exactly did Courtney plan on Hope staying once Bridget took her back?…“Bridget, you’re back, and with Hope, I see.  Aww, what a cutie!  You know that you can stay with me as long as you need to, Bridget…But would you mind taking your baby off before you come in?  Sorry…new carpet and all.”
 

?        Carly:  He’s good at surprises, huh?

Actually, Sonny’s magical penis and it’s uncanny way of unerringly knocking up every girl who even accidentally glances at him naked, no longer surprises any of us.  What surprises us is that you’d think that somewhere between the 1^st and 4^th unplanned pregnancy (Lily, Carly, Alexis, and Sam) the man would KNOW to slap a raincoat on that ole one-eyed monster of fertility..
 

?        Sam:  You threaten and intimidate people all the time!  Blackmail that judge!  Do whatever you need to do to make sure she stays with us.

I gotta go with Sam on that one.  Jason has made his life based on that stuff.  What’s good enough for Sonny…
 

?        Rita:  Bridget, you stole from my friends, more than once.

?        Bridget:  So you call the cops on me?

Exactly what did she expect---a standing ovation??  This girl should in NO way, shape, or form be allowed to *talk* to a child, much less raise one.
 

Best misunderstanding of the word “hypocrisy“:

?        Sam:  No, I don’t understand how you could be okay with breaking the law on Sonny’s orders, but you won’t fight to hold onto the child we agreed to raise together.

?        Jason:  Sam, it’s not the same thing..

Um, yeah it is.  Be it orders from Sonny, or orders from the woman you claim to love and asked to marry you, it doesn’t matter.  It’s just semantics.  Tomato-tomato…Creek-Crik…Washington-Warshington…it’s all the same.
 

?        Carly:  Ok, news flash, Alexis -- you can’t buy love.

?        Alexis:  Thank you, Mahatma Gandhi.

Meh…I can see where she might get confused…
 

?        Jason:  We could’ve stolen this baby, but how is that right?

?        Sam:  “How is that right?”  Where were your high-flying morals when Sonny and Carly forced Michael’s father out of his life?  No qualms about breaking the law then, or doing what was right.

The little lady does have a teensy-weensy point there. Granted, Jason feels that he was saving Mikey from a life with an alcoholic father who just wanted to use the kid, but exactly what is his justification for simply handing Hope over without a fight?  He said he was going to be her daddy, and yet, the first real chance he got, he dumped the baby off.  Bad Jason!  Bad, Bad Jason!
 

?        Carly:  It also makes Kristina look forward to seeing Sonny.  Isn’t that what you really object to?

Oooh, please educate us with your brilliance, Dr. Carly.  First off, Carly, with all her various, and MANY, different psychoses has NO business lecturing ANYONE about having hidden motives or secret agendas…people in glass houses and all that.  Second off, what Alexis does or doesn’t object to, concerning Sonny’s and Kristina‘s time together, is THEIR business, and has ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with Carly.
 

Sam:  I don’t love you.  I never did.  It was always about the baby.  You were the guy who was going to pay the bills.

Jason: I don’t believe that.

Sam:  Then you’re even a bigger sucker than I thought you were.

Ouch!  That was just COLD, girl!  Good thing that Jason understands Sam well enough to know that she’s merely lashing out in grief.  But, still, hearing that had to hurt, even for the Lord of the Borgs.
 

?        Carly (about Alexis):  Oh, for pete’s sake.  That woman is nuts.

Hello, Kettle?  Pot calling.
 

?        Carly:  And while we’re at it, maybe we should take off our wedding rings..

Finally, at long last, we come to the end. The last couple years of Pruza constantly propping CarSon by writing them into almost EVERY storyline they possibly could, was, to me, akin to flogging a dead horse.  It was painfully obvious to 90% of the viewing audience that whatever magic and interest the couple had once possessed, was long gone, and the pathetic attempts by TIIC to jump-start the couple again merely flew by the wayside.  I have been beyond thrilled that CarSon has finally been declared dead and been interred.  I LOVE that TB and MB are free to explore other storylines and partners, and the two’s talents , apart from each other, are shining so much more brightly than they did when they were together.  But, honestly, as much as I couldn’t stand the two together anymore, the scene of them taking their rings off had such an air of finality to it that even I got a little misty-eyed. 
 

?        Courtney:  Ok, look, Sam, I never had any intention--

Ever notice that for someone who never has any intentions, she’s sure the hell full of them?  For example…“I never intended to jump your brother, AJ…although I did invite him over for dinner with the intention of furthering our relationship, and quite possibly, ending up in together in the sack.”  AND  “I never intended to rat you out to the cops, Sonny…although I did call the cops with the intention of telling them that you were gonna kill someone.” AND “I never intended to kill Brian, although I did go to the docks with a fully-loaded gun and the intention to use it if I felt I had to.”  Uh, Court?  Maybe you should like start having the intention to NOT have any more intentions?  Just a suggestion.
 

?        Elizabeth:  Haven’t we learned anything from the disasters we made in the past?

THIS from someone who’s getting ready to steam it up again with the guy that cheated on her by boinking her own sister?  Don’t get me wrong, I’m loving me some Liz, but I think she ought to have thought that particular statement through a bit before putting it out there. 

Part two!!