You asked for it, you got it!  This is Sage, Uncensored.  Here, you will find my innermost thoughts and opinions about ABC soaps and life in general.  This page is not for the light of heart or faint of breath.  It is definitely not for those on the verge of or already well into a white hot hatred or even mild dislike of Sage.  You aren't going to dig it most likely unless you are an avid fan.  This particular segment is about Sage's view and does not necessary reflect the opinion of Eye on Soaps, its staff, yourself or other rational, sane folks.  Not much gossip here, just ranting and raving.  If you accidentally stumbled onto this looking for the other side of Sage that is far more civilized and focused on gossip, click here.  This column will be updated on an as-inspired basis.

May 26, 2004

Darlings!!  Did you REALLY think I was only going to dish out rumors and be done with it?  Laws, no  Got my White Russians lined up like the dutiful little soldiers they are (for for the record for those old timey Sage fans, the Captain and I had a bit of a falling out a few months ago when I overindulged and got puking sick for the first time in my whole drinking LIFE.  After giving the Cappy the ol' barfy, barf, he and I have decided to pull a Ross and Rachel and be on a break.  Meanwhile, I'm happily spending my recreational indulgence time with White Russians, inspired by none other than The Dude from "The Big Lebowski."  "Careful, we have an alcoholic beverage here!") and the full box of (*sigh*) Reeses Swoops (there it is!) is at the ready.  These chocolate-peanut butter pringles are just lovely little creatures, surpassed only in superiority by this white chocolate, milk chocolate concoction sent to be a year or so ago by my Mistress, Mardi.  Mmmmm.  Sage loves him some cannies!  Peanut Butter M&Ms are also decidedly ruley.

But I digress.

White Russians are ready and so am I, so let's rock.

Let me just say the unthinkable.  I am love, love, LOVING all there shows right now! Although there are certainly aspects of the show that have be afrown from time to time, overall, I'm lovin it!  Maybe it's because of the months when I couldn't watch and I'm coming at it with a fresh perspective.  Hell, it's altogether possible that I actually did miss them.

The most stunning story of May sweeps is that Alexa Havins is turning in one absolutely kick ass performance.  The last time I saw her, she was pretty much standing up from her sandpounding with Jamie and not impressing me in the least with her cow-thieving, resident whore ways.  I imagine Simone was a little bit pissy about being usurped from that position (and it wasn't missionary). 

Well slap me to sleep and slap me for sleepin, here I come back and she's just acting her little heart out.  You can almost hear the director in the background giving her stage direction, "Over the top, darling, give it all you've got.  I'm talking amped up countrified absolute torch and twang, baby."  Then Alexa says, "Sorry, dude, I'm going for the Emmy reel here."  If she was awkward at first, this gal has definitely gotten her land legs and is running like mad. ("Run, Forrest, RUN!")  I find it fascinating that her portfolio prior to AMC is zilch other than a quick appearance on the TV series "Reno 911" as "Goth Girl #1."  I've gotten retina sprains from rolling my eyes over ABC's penchant for plucking new "finds" from the model pool, only to find they can't act worth a damn.   Between AMC, GH and OLTL, we've endured an endless parade of pretty faces with dirty knees who simply cannot act. 

Every now and then, they strike gold.  Josh Duhamel was such a pretty face when he popped up as Leo and the boy had done NOTHING, NADA, ZIPPITY DOO DAH.  Not only did Josh "have it," but he "wanted it" and worked his ass off to get it.  As soon as he was in place as Leo, he began working overtime, creating his own back story for Leo, much of which actually ended up being used.  He wanted Leo to be real and vibrant and make sense and thanks to him, we got a bigger than life character that we all just wanted to hug (etc).  It's no wonder he's kicking so much ass in prime time.  It was destiny.  He wanted it enough and came alive when the camera hit him. 

Cameron Mathison had done almost nothing when he was tapped to play Ryan Lavery and he has hallmarked the role.  I think we have another winner in Alexa Havins.  Interestingly enough, to my finely tuned ears, her accent sounds more authentic than Krystal's and Bobbie Eakes was Miss Georgia, 1982!  Alexa Havins hails from New Mexico and her accent is affected.  It takes a lot to impress an old man like myself, but she's managed it.  Her ability to effectively convey Babe's grief over learning her child was supposedly killed to the torment over whether or not to follow through with the lie had me wiping away a tear.  Dammit, she was just good.

Also just absolutely cute as a doggone little bug's ear is Natalia Cigliuti, who now plays Anita.  Getting this one thing perfectly clear is essential:  I despise the Santos family.  It's a tradition for me.  They have eachly and everyonely gotten heavily on my nerves forever and a day.  Anita (this one), I could just eat up with a spoon.  She even makes scenes with St Maria tolerable (As long as they don't span more than 1-2 commercial breaks, then it gets toxic no matter how much Anita is there as an antidote.  Watch enough Maria and I swear, it'll kill ya).  Unlike Alexa, Natalia has a healthy body of work behind her, including my "Oh YEAH!" moment of realizing she's the "Saved By The Bell" chick, Lindsay. 

Proving that AMC is on the "cute" role of a lifetime, let me also highly praise Tanisha Lynn as the sassy (All Hail Phil Hartman!) and downtown cool Danielle Frye.  She was also added while I was away and is such a delight!  I was concerned that when they got a female yin to Reggie's yang that we'd end up with some dishrag who couldn't handle the strength of his performance.  Michael Jordan makes acting look so easy and natural that it would take an actress of some caliber to balance out the team and AMC certainly found it in Tanisha Lynn.  She gives as good as she gets and she held her own magnificently in her scenes with Jordan and Eden Riegel today as she explained that she was suing Fusion and Reggie. 

If AMC isn't careful, they are going to build up one hell of a cast.  Mia's leaving and rumor is strong that Simone is out the door next.  Whether it's fair or not, the characters who are not being used are being trimmed neatly away and some incredibly talented newcomers are coming on board.  I have no doubt that either Terri Ivens or Amelia Heinle are marvelous actresses, but they were done wrong from the beginning by the powers that be and never really got a chance to shine.  Simone was doomed from the beginning to be everyone's kicking post and Mia started off strong, but her story got lost the second Fusion showed up.  Fusion, devourer of strong female roles, is like one of those sea turtles that wiggle their tongues to look like worms, then eat the fish that swim up for a gander.  It was something that looked good, but then destroyed everything it touched.  Remember the "Sexiest man in...zzzz"  Nope, didn't think so.

I loved every minute of the Ryan-Greenlee-Kendall wedding, from the powderpuff pink helmet to the surprise party when they arrived home.  It was just soooo soapy.  The castle they chose was perfect and they even had the requisite cat fight.  What's not to love?

Have you ever noticed that in the Garnier Nutrisse hair color commercials (I think it's Garnier, anyway, I'm drawing from memory) with Sarah Jessica Parker that her hair color is invariably really, really shitty looking?  I will guarantee you that Jose Eber is NOT using Garnier on SJP on a regular basis.  I wouldn't dye my dog with that crap.  Anyway, I think Erica's wig is Garnier #83.  It has that same, icky, new Barbie hair look to it.  Erica must be eating Estroven like popcorn to be able to keep up with the young Vegas showgirls. 

Speaking of Vegas, etc, I have to say that Thorsten Kaye is looking particularly delish and his whole invasive "I'm so frickin Irish who can stand me?" shtick is decidedly (and uncharacteristically) subdued.  So far, I quite like the character.

I guess my only complaint about AMC (other than the obvious frustration that Edmunch isn't dead yet) is that I don't get to see nearly enough Palmer.  I do so wish Arlene would come back to town to have a good tangle with both Mary Smythe and Krystal Cary.  (*insert ear bleeding twang* "We Cary women don't..."  "Pffft, shut the hell up."  *thwack.  thud.*")  Ahhh.  Life would just be soooo good!

Does running screaming into the night, naked and bleeding from the briars and branches, pulling my hair and plucking at my eyes mean NOTHING to OLTL powers that be???  Didn't I specifically forbid this?  Kelly and Todd are going to almost kiss.  I'll wait whilst you set about your vomiting.  I'd heard the idea of this pairing was batting around and I thought I had adequately exorcised it away, but no.  We're going to get the whiff of it and it's going to stink like last year's dead woodchuck. 

I've got issues with Heather Tom.  I don't get it.  I just don't.  She was lauded and fawned over when she was with Y&R and when I would see her on the award shows, I'd have to cross myself and avert my eyes. As I said, I just don't get it.  It doesn't help that I adored Gina Tognoni, but even before Heather Tom was Kelly, I just didn't get the fascination.  She's an honor grad from the "screw up your face and push hard" school of constipated emoting and now that I've seen her in action, I get it even less.  I'm sure she's a wonderful human being and tips her waitress well, but damn.  I don't get it.  I laugh out loud when I read yet another spoiler saying, "Kevin is suspicious of Kelly and Todd."  "Kevin is suspicious of Paul and Kelly."  My thinking is if you steal a baby, then stand around and talk about it all day long and look heartbroken, constipated, scared and about a sixteenth of an inch from the top of your head going mushroom cloud, people are going to be suspicious.  If you hide in corners, talking to shady guys in fervent whispers and gesturing wildly, people are going to get suspicious.  If you are six months pregnant and bring home an eight month old baby saying you just gave birth, people are going to be suspicious (but evidently NOT).  Additionally, in case anyone was questioning, (I help.  It's what I do) if you find a dead guy and wrap him up in a comforter and toss him in a landfill and leave blood all over the hotel room he was in AND the hotel finds out you horked the linens, (say it with me) people are going to get suspicious.  For the first time in his adult life, I've been cheering Kevin on, begging him to go to Pine Valley and ask the right questions.  He's a reporter, for crying out loud, and he couldn't figure this one out if the kid was still wearing his monogrammed Chandler Pampers.  God, Adam is going to be so righteously pissed that someone named his grandchild "Ace."  Even then, they both sensed the kid was from redneck origins.  They might as well have named him "Bubba."  Talk about Adam being pissed, at least he's going to get an heir.  Asa, Kevin, Renee and Viki are going to be seriously pissed off to end up with an empty cradle because Kelly was busy farming Paul out to thief a baby.  Since kidnapping is a subject that grates a little too close to Viki's ailing heart, I don't imagine she's going to take kindly to the notion.

Speaking of Viki, just allow me to say, "Brava! Brava!"  Erika Slezak has done a bang up job of portraying Viki as really, really sick.  I'm buying it to the point that I wanted to phone the actress herself and ask if she's feeling OK.  I haven't seen sick like that since Liza had her brain surgery.  Her immense grief over Ben's death today had me boo hooing right along with her, THEN OLTL ups the ante with those marvelous montages!  That tugs my heart strings every time since I'm an ANCIENT viewer of OLTL, back to the Cathy Craig, Carla Gray days. 

And what?  What did I see?  Did Dorian actually talk Dr Larry into killing Ben today to save Viki?? It looked to me as though she called Larry up on fake emergency status to show him that Ben was a heart match for Viki (the symbolism is NOT lost at all) and then all of a sudden we hear that Ben has taken a turn for the worst right on cue.  I was wanting to shake the group that was deliberating over whether or not to OK the surgery while Viki was still unconscious.  "Just DO IT already, SHE'S DYING!  Stop babbling before I dive in and rip Ben's heart out myself!"

Then came the waterworks with Asa and Renee and I'm NOT talking about theirs, I'm talking about MINE.  What a couple of class acts Phil Carey and Patricia Elliott are.  Just magnificent.

I was looking at Clint and thinking, "Damn, Cowboy got OLD."  The I looked in the mirror and thought, "Damn."

And I thought THAT was a pisser?  Pfft.  "Life With Bonnie" was canceled about seven and a half seconds after the "Ben's Dead" scenes were in the can.  Now THAT'S a pisser!  OW!!

Back tomorrow with GH!

Much Love!

On to GH

Note:  Sage gets a fat ton of mail every day and regrets he can't answer everyone personally.  He loves ya, he just might not get a chance to write to ya!  Besides!!  He writes to you every week in a column whether you write to him or not!  So there!  You can e-mail him here.