Sage Uncensored is NOT a spoiler column and does not represent itself as such in any way. It is not intended to proved "new," "out-scooped" or otherwise groundbreaking material. This column will discuss news, rumors and spoilers already in circulation, so if you are here to bitch that there is no new material, don't say you weren't warned. Those of you who enjoy Sage and his writing will likely appreciate the column. Those of you who are just here for your spoiler fix are probably in the wrong place.
For those of you who choose to continue on and share time with Sage, welcome!
March 21, 2005
Bored with my own impressions of the shows and what's been going on (and honestly, bored with the shows themselves), I decided to go on the road and conduct some interviews to bring in some fresh blood.
Some of the people I spoke with were long time fans of ABC soaps and others were newcomers. Some of my targets took some tracking (read: stalking) and others were more than willing to grab the mike and talk at length about their favorite characters and story lines (as well as their least favorites, of course). Which soaps are reviewed depended on what was available at the time we were talking, how loaded we were and how boring what they said turned out to be. I'll give you the highlights.
First, I made contact with the elusive and mysterious Christopher Walken. I knew for some time that he was a closet soap fan and looked forward to hearing his take on the latest happenings in Pine Valley and Port Charles. Little did I know that he was also quite literate on One Life to Live. We met up by the pool, Chris in his white terry robe, chinos and Jesus sandals and me in cut off jeans and a Tenacious D shirt. I don't know for sure why I was moved to tell you what we were wearing, but it seemed important. Also, I could see his bare chest, which was stunning, to say the least. I started out by greasing him about the fantastic music video, "Weapon of Choice," by Fatboy Slim in which he dances his way around an expansive hotel. A marvelous piece of work in and of itself, but Walken waxed humble, "You know, Sage..." he took a drag of his ... Irish mocha and looked at me levelly. "I wasn't really flying in that video. It was a ... camera trick. I wasn't, however, choreographed. They just let me go for it and that's what came out. It was a very... inspiring song, given to dance. Be sure and give your little friends, Sage, the link so they can watch it, you know, if they haven't seen it, or maybe if they have seen it but do not have it on their DVR or perhaps on a... video cassette." (You can watch the video here)
With Walken, you have to ease into subjects, so we talked about 5000 things before we ever got around to the soaps. I'll spare you the rambling details.
Our differences of opinion were immediately apparent as he began to weep openly about Edmund's death. "I am devastated," he admitted. "I know it's because of that harlot, Maria." He wiped his eyes with a monogrammed linen handkerchief. "I never trusted her from the minute she first came to the valley. It's her eyes, you know, They're far, far too close together and I had no love for her because of that. The entire time he was not marrying Brooke, I was begging him, 'please, please, Edmund, just marry the golden woman and leave the Latina Jezebel in the desert.' Brooke is a good woman.
He was getting so torn up over the whole Edmund thing that I was afraid he was going to storm the set and throw himself on Edmund's coffin or something, so we moved on to General Hospital.
"Again, so much death... the little boy, Michael, I hated him so. It's wrong to, you know, hate a child with such passion, but I found him to be so impudent. I thought I would be cheering when they found him in the swamp, but so intense was the acting around the scenes that I found myself choking in sobs before we even got to the photograph. I will miss Faith. She was forceful and I enjoy that in a woman. Being dead is the very last thing on a very long list of things I would want her to do."
"So you enjoy General Hospital then?"
"I do, but I am embittered about Faith dying and I am of the mind that she should come back having faked her death and ready to go into the witness protection program with Justus. I am quite happy with the show and have, you know, no complaints, but that other show, the middle one, I don't care for so much, yet I am drawn to it... like a road accident."
"One Life to Live. Is there anything you like about it?"
He paused for about 20 minutes here. "I like the couch in Asa's mansion. I have one like it. I had is specially made for my sitting room. But I don't sit on it. It's too special, you know. The show used to be wonderful, back in the olden days of Joe Riley and Vince Wolleck. I didn't used to tell people I watched it because it was always the joker in the deck and I had to act like I only watched for the commercials. Still, I was quite a fan for quite some time. Now, it's more of a joke than anything.
The next person whose opinion was of interest to me was Coz himself, Bill Cosby. I ran into him on the street (literally) and grabbed a few minutes of his time.
"The problem with daytime drama, you see, is the obvious imbalance of races represented by ABC soaps in particular. One would think that since we just had a complete census in the year 2000, the soaps would be unable to plead ignorance or worse, indifference, to the average national dispersal of racial orientation. Since the census revealed that America is 75% White, 3.6% Asian American, 12.3% African American and 12.5% Hispanic, one would think that those demographics could be accurately represented in..."
"Bill, that's 103.5%."
He looked puzzled. "I really don't think it is, Sage."
"No, really, 75.1, 3.6, 12.3 and 12.4 are 103.5%. For real."
"If that's the case, then it's the 'white of Hispanic origin' that is included in white demographic and not in the Hispanic demographic. That makes it appear that there are even more white people than there are, which makes the lack of color on ABC soaps even more deplorable. One One Life to Live, for instance, there is a cast of 26 contracted actors, yet the characters are only 7.6% Hispanic, 7.6% African American and 84.6% White. All My Children has a contracted cast of 32 actors, but the characters are 6.2% Hispanic, 9% African American and 84.3% White. General Hospital is by far the most out of whack with a cast of 31 actors and characters that are 6% Hispanic, 3% African American and 90.3% White. There's not an Asian-American in sight!"
While I agreed with his point, all the numbers were giving me a headache, so I was forced to move along to our third interview of the day (I have others, believe me), my mother, Mom Bourland.
(Not a picture of my mom, but looks enough like her to be a twinner. This interview occurred by phone.)
"Hey Ma, watching the soaps."
"Yes, yes, I am, but I'm really disappointed with that new young man on General Hospital. He's quite a randy little thing and I had such high hopes for him. He's a clever little thing, but he is too busy in his pants."
"Who are you talking about, Ma?"
"That new boy. You know. I can't remember his name. It starts with a D."
"Who?! Diego. No, I don't know any Diego."
"Then who are you talking about, Ma? The new boy?"
"You know, that one that was in bed with that little girl the other day."
"Yes! That's him! The one with the odd hair. I don't watch my shows to see little children doing nasty things in bed. I had to turn it off. Did you turn it off?"
"No, Ma, I didn't watch it, but I heard about it. Did you get your Big Daddy John sighting for the week."
"Oh he's foxy. I like him."
"You know they're going to make him a bad guy."
"Oh, now, I don't care. He's a foxy one, that one is."
"What about Sonny and Carly. Did you cry when you thought Michael was dead?"
"Oh I knew he wasn't dead. They won't kill a little child. But that whore who was helping them find him I didn't like so much. (It's important to know that my mother says the word "whore" as "hoo-wah.") Is she going to leave? I hope she's going to leave. She dresses like a whore. Is she going to leave?"
"Not so far, Mom. She's supposed to be Sonny's new love."
"Oh I don't like that. I don't like that at all. Did you see that nice girl, Tava Whosit, is back? She plays someone else now. She used to be with Jax."
"That's not Tava Smiley, mom. That's Amy Bernhardt. She's playing Rachel."
"No, not her, that blonde girl who's living with Courtney. Tava is playing her."
"No, Mom, seriously, it's a different person playing her, that's Rachel."
"Sage, honey, are you sure you're watching the right show?"
"Mom, I don't know any more. Did you watch Edmund die on All My Children, Mom?"
"Oh yes, yes, I did. I loved hearing Olivia sing. That was beautiful."
"What do you think of Bianca leaving?"
"What do you mean, did she leave?"
"Yes, she went to Paris to live with Maggie."
"The actress or the character?"
"Well, the character, Mom, the actress moved to L.A."
"No, Mom, on her own, I guess."
"But where's Maggie?"
"In Paris with Bianca."
"But I thought you said she was in LA."
"*sigh* The other L.A., Ma, the one in Paris."
"Oh, OK, well why didn't you say so?"
"I don't know, Mom. Are you watching One Life to Live?"
"Oh, sometimes. That comes on during my nap time. I don't nap long, you know, so I see some of it. Who is that little boy they have playing Todd?"
"His name is Trevor St John."
"No, I'm talking about the new boy with the beard."
"Mom, it's the same guy. He just grew a beard."
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah, Mom, I'm sure. Same guy."
"Is Nora going marry that new district attorney who has the beard?"
"No, Mom, they're going to break up. And it's the same guy, he just grew a beard."
"No, I mean the guy who is the father to that boy that Lindsay's girl is with."
"I know, Mom, it's same guy who has always played him."
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah, Mom, same guy."
"OK, Mr Smarty, is that the same guy who is playing Dorian's husband as who was playing him before when he was on the show?"
"Yeah, Mom, Tuc Watkins played him both times. And he and Dorian aren't married."
"Yes they are, they got married a long time ago."
"But Dorian got a divorce, remember? That's how she could marry Mel."
"I liked Mel."
"I know, Mom, me too."
"Her husband is much cuter than the guy who played him the first time."
"You mean David? It's the same guy, Mom, and they aren't married."
"This one is much more handsome than the other David Vickers."
"I guess so, Mom."
After that, I had to take a break and rest my head. I have to talk to Mom in small doses some times.
Lastly (for this week), I spoke for a few moments with Harvey Fierstein, who was very single-minded and fixated only on GH. He accosted me as I was out for a jog.
"I know you know who they are casting as Carly. Tell me now and I'll let you live." He laughed uproariously.
Pfft, I didn't know. I reminded him that I wasn't in the spoiler biz any more, that I mostly just talk trash about soaps. I did tell him what a reader sent to me. I don't know where this person got their info, so I can't vouch for it. All they sent to me were the names and the pics:
If I die, I don't want it to be because Harvey Fierstein killed me for not knowing who the new Carly is yet, so I had to tell him something. We talked about how it doesn't really matter because Sonny and Jason are the real love affair, then he jogged his way and I jogged mine.
And that's my gig for this week, folks. Take care and have a stunning week, my darlings.
Celebrity voices are impersonated, as are the interviews, except my mom.
Note: Sage gets a fat ton of mail every day and regrets he can't answer everyone personally. He loves ya, he just might not get a chance to write to ya! Besides, he writes to you every week in a column whether you write to him or not! Needless to say, if you are an asshole, he just for sure isn't going to write back. If you're inclined to writing hateful things, pretend he wrote back and said, "That's just like, your opinion, man."
If your writing to ask about future storyline happenings, figure he answered, "Pfft, I dunno." Sage truly does not have info on upcoming storylines except what is posted on the EOS Spoiler Commentary pages!