Sage Uncensored is NOT a spoiler column and does not represent itself as such in any way. It is not intended to proved "new," "out-scooped" or otherwise groundbreaking material. This column will discuss news, rumors and spoilers already in circulation, so if you are here to bitch that there is no new material, don't say you weren't warned. Those of you who enjoy Sage and his writing will likely appreciate the column. Those of you who are just here for your spoiler fix are probably in the wrong place.
For those of you who choose to continue on and share time with Sage, welcome!
February 14, 2005
Happy Valentine's Day, Loveys!
I hope you are all cuddled up with a sweetheart today, whether that be a romantic love, a cuddly kitty, a bowl of particularly good ice cream or a great book and a cup of cocoa. Do something for yourself and be your own sweetheart today! You deserve it!
I was hatching a sort of "miniature theater" idea for the three soaps and before I could get a good grip on it, I got this in an e-mail from Katrina, which really let the form start to take shape. I want to thank Sue Jockens for allowing me to use her words for the GH portion of this column.
So... just in case any of you have to miss the show in the next week, I'm going to give you a preview of what is to come based on an ultra secret, high tech, job-risking infiltration of the GH scripts:
Jason looked stunned
Diego didn't get any smarter.
Neither did any of the teens.
Morty Corinthos Jr. lipped off at someone.
Leticia was taking good care of her son Morgan.
Brook Lynn wore some strange outfit.
Ric was hot.
Wardrobe hated Skye.
Luke was wonderful.
Lucky was hot (is he still unconscious and hot? - more the better.)
Lois wore an unfortunate outfit.
Alan and Monica were seen in passing.
Connor was still dead.
Lorenzo was hot.
Helena was still on my shit list for not killing Emily.
People came and went from the interrogation room at will.
Ned was hot.
I still don't care about the kidnapping because once again it's all about Sonny and Jason.
I miss Stefan.
Ric was hot.
Kristina was adorable.
Jax was still p[ussy]-whipped. [Sage is bolder than Sue, so let's just put it right out there]
Courtney was annoying.
Ric was hot.
The PCPD bungled something because they, of course, are the bad guys.
Ric was hot.
Ric was hot.
Ric was hot
Ric was hot.
And of course, Sage must add his own spin: Wally got canned, Jordan got panned and Monica got tanned.
Tamara Braun isn't leaving, Rachel is deceiving and Rexis fans will no longer be grieving.
Alexis is nesting (but NLG is not), Robin Richards is screen testing and Scott Clifton is besting (everyone else in the personal appearance gig because guess who showed up at his concert event? None other than the elusive Tony Geary!).
Brook gets jumped (but I heard NOT raped), Courtney gets humped and JJY gets dumped (to recurring status, or so the reliable gossip goes).
Erica postured and preened and narrowed her eyes and hissed at all enemies real and imagined.
Jack proposed and gave Eric a hideous, gauche, 70 pound ring the color of strawberry Koolaid.
Reggie and Danielle kissed and were cute as little bug ears.
Jonathan tried to be intimidating.
Ryan made excuses for Jonathan.
Aidan seduced Anita and they went all goo-gooey.
Edmund rolled around and glared at people.
Jamie continued to recruit people to the dark side (supporting Babe).
People from OLTL demanded their damned baby.
JR and Adam huffed and puffed and blew the house down.
Stuart said something wise in that "Chancey Gardener" kind of way.
Lily spontaneously healed her own autism through intensive touch and red therapy.
Zach plotted his own character redemption.
No one went to the bathroom.
Derrek showed up and arrested someone.
Greenlee's poisoner remained undiscovered.
Kendall batted her eyes.
Simone quietly disappeared.
BAMmers hoped for a miracle.
Tad and David each opened their pants and found their brains in there, but didn't bother to move them back to their heads.
Babe wept and was 17 different kinds of humble.
Palmer barked and growled.
Because it was Valentine's Day, AMC had to steal the rights to the worn out song, "My Funny Valentine" from OLTL (in retaliation for OLTL stealing the hackysack baby that keeps getting booted from show to show and parent to parent.)
Bo and Nora looked like they still wanted to be together while they led other people on.
Natalie cried with her tongue out.
Evangeline told John she loved him and he said, "whatever."
John "accidentally" ended up where Natalie was and looked at her really, really hard...directly in the boobs.
Viki worried about her daughters.
Jessica considered dumping the whole split personality story.
Antonio snorted and shook like Ferdinand the Bull after he sat on the bee.
Bo and John arrested the wrong person.
Todd and Blair hated each other then loved each other then hated each other again.
The "good" characters, Roxie and Nigel, were nowhere to be found.
The interesting romance, RJ and Lindsay, faded to the back.
Cris went away.
Kevin did his patented rooster strut.
Kelly demonstrated she has inherited the Cramer woman mentally unbalanced curse by rushing to the Babe Chandler pep rally.
Duke looked all cute and jailbaity.
Adrianna blinked and looked confused.
Susan modeled the behavior of a strong, confident woman who was in charge of her own life and didn't need a man to be a thriving, vibrant character (of course, Susan does not exist on this show in any way, shape or form).
David did a *swish!* move over his sweaty forehead over his narrowly escaped almost affair with Kelly.
Dorian plotted her revenge on Viki.
Asa struggled to find some kind of foothold in the script.
[Did all of you who have an Outback Steak House in your town see my faaaaaavorite daytime star, Barbara Niven (ex-Liz Reynolds, OLTL) in their new commercial? She's looking cute and foxy as ever! Love me some Barbara!!]
Now don't you just love our soaps??
Eat candy. Lots of it. It's good for you.
Note: Sage gets a fat ton of mail every day and regrets he can't answer everyone personally. He loves ya, he just might not get a chance to write to ya! Besides!! He writes to you every week in a column whether you write to him or not! So there! Needless to say, if you are an asshole, he just isn't going to write back because you will have proven you're not the people he writes for anyway and therefore, do not deserve his attention. If you're inclined to do that, just pretend he wrote back and said, "That's just like, your opinion, man."
If your writing to ask about future storyline happenings, figure I answered, "Pfft, I dunno."