Sage Uncensored is NOT a spoiler column and does not represent itself as such in any way. It is not intended to proved "new," "out-scooped" or otherwise groundbreaking material. This column will discuss news, rumors and spoilers already in circulation, so if you are here to bitch that there is no new material, don't say you weren't warned. Those of you who enjoy Sage and his writing will likely appreciate the column. Those of you who are just here for your spoiler fix are probably in the wrong place.
For those of you who choose to continue on and share time with Sage, welcome!
January 3, 2005
Happy Tremendous New Year to all of our Eye on Soaps readers! With the holidays behind us, the whole new (Gregorian) year opens up to us, rich with possibilities and hope. Each year brings its own set of joys and challenges, building on the lessons and progress of the one before it, creating the beautiful and every evolving process that is what we call "life."
How was that?
OK, so I got totally, rippingly shitfaced this past weekend and I'm still a little wonky from it. It's a lovely place to be, sort of half in and half out of the worlds. I've been eating lots of protein to get me all grounded again and meanwhile, I'm just floating along, all blissful and such. Welcome to my cloud, darlings.
As you know, the first week of the month is critical for Eye on Soaps as we glide into another deadline for EOS expenses to be due. Will we make it this month? Will we not? If you come here and get a big ol', "Page Not Found," you'll know we didn't make it and won't be back until the bills are paid. If you would like to help keep that from happening, you may do so by donating to the monthly expenses of Eye on Soaps. Several faithful readers donate every month and Katrina, the rest of the Eye on Soaps staff and I wish to say thank you to all those who keep us afloat for the rest of the EOS readers. We love what we do here at EOS and fully depend on reader contributions to remain on the net. We completely depend on reader support, so If you enjoy Eye on Soaps on a regular basis and like what we do, please consider chucking a few dollars our way so that we can stick around:<-----------(Click here for credit cards and on-line checks) (Click here for check, cash or money order by mail)
Now, moving on to the soaps!! (Hey! Go back up there and donate! I'll wait...)
. . .tap tap tap
Having carefully watched the Baby Mirabess reveal this past week, I have to say I was not particular disappointed by how it went. The rumors that came out saying that Bianca would be blaming everyone BUT Bess were extremely disheartening and, honey, I am just so glad they weren't true. Bianca reacted exactly as I would have had her act.
I was doing some further research into some of the deeper symbolism behind the story and I was truly shocked by what I found. I am going to be working on a detailed book of my speculations and I am calling it, The DaBinky Code. First, I was studying this portrait that Leonardo DaVinci painted of the Mirabess reveal called, "The Lesbian on the Rocks."
Click to make it larger. Please. You have to study the detail to get the clues. See how The Virgin Bianca's hand reaches menacingly toward The Blessed Mother Babe's hand, as though to crush it in her powerful talons. TBMB seems oblivious to any danger around her, instead grinning maniacally while pointing to The Infant Mirabess as if to say, "Look, isn't that just so totally cute?" On The Virgin Bianca's lap, there is what can only be a crushed cowboy hat, showing the full destruction of the Cowboy element (the OLTL Buchanan's who end up with jack shit after all babies are again rightfully distributed). Both babies plead for peace, with Mirabess clutching her tiny fingers in the age old gesture of prayer while James the Lesser (sometimes known as "Ace") offers up the symbol of peace with his chubby little digits. What else is the artist trying to tell us?
Going straight to DVD is the story of one man's quest for vengeance and truth, taking no prisoners and refusing to let sleeping dogs lie together. Out for blood and and bone is:
As long as some revenge is being thrown around, why not pay homage to someone else who has her own brand of vengeance to unleash?
Xenica is ready to seriously kick some ass on those who have wronged her baby girl and stolen away a year of her grandmahood. Mind you, she has to officially deduct out all that time when she ran away, refused to participate in her daughter's grief and played aged showgirl in Vegas on a drunken binge, but the rest of the time she's really, really pissed off about.
Even the cartoon characters, one of whom used to be a very real and complex personality, have been major players in the story:
With both JR Punisher and Xenica out to get them, they'd best have more than one bomb up their sleeve if they are going to continue to outfox Moose and Squirrel.
Or some other cartoons (some of whom used to be real characters) who are on the lam.
Don't get me started on the Jim and Tammy Faye... I mean Ryan and Greenlee show. America's sweethearts are giving me a damned sugar coma...
I am trying hard to think of some witty, fun things to say about OLTL, but right now, it's in full on suck mode. Of course, new head writer, Dena Higley is talking about giving Kelly and Blair backbones to make them into strong women. Any chance we can see Lindsay in the backbone distribution line?
There isn't much about this show that I am enjoying at all. I still watch it, hoping for some glimmer of fun, of greatest, of interest. As it stands now, I end up spending 45 minutes a day missing the way it used to be. When Gary Tomlin took over Executive Producer reins form Jill Farren Phelps in 2002, there was a very abrupt turn around in the overall quality of the show. Within three months, we had a show that had risen from a near painful experience to watch to being an absolute joy.
Remember where we were when Tomlin came on board:
Dorian had slammed into Jessica, causing her to lose her baby, Megan. Jessica then stalked Dorian in a story called arbitrarily, "The Haunting of Dorian." All through the story, much like the Michael Cambias killing on AMC (Megan McTavish was the head writer on both stories), it was painfully obvious that the story was being made up as we went along, even the writers unsure of where they were going to take it, leaving it very floppy and unformed until coming to an anticlimactic ending. A fizzle instead of a bang. The character of Dorian pretty much went nowhere from there. Inexplicably, Jessica never had any repercussions from nearly killing Dorian and driving her nuts for weeks (which seemed like years). Dorian, in a very uncharacteristic move, just blew the whole thing off. From there on, the show had positively no clue what to do with Dorian and she was eventually let go under confused circumstances.
Now, we again have Jessica going nuts and Dorian bouncing aimlessly around, stepping occasionally into other peoples' stories and working on the outer edges. She and her man David are the best couple on TV and are not only without story, but are currently without scenes, which is a dead ass shame.
Nora slept with her puppy-dog-eyed groupie, Sam Rappaport, supposedly to give her much beloved husband, Bo, a child after having lied to him saying she was pregnant to get him to come back to shore after launching himself and the dead body of his son into a vicious storm in a rickety boat. Blah, blah, blah. We went back and forth on the DNA testing, much the same as the DNA merry-go-round over at AMC with the Miranda-Ace mess. This time, instead of Krystal changing results, we had Lindsay bribing a lab tech. Again, SSDD. Or rather, Same Writer, Different Show.
Ben and Blondie were on the run from Gina Russo, who had put out a hit on Ben, her ex-husband. They were big bad bikers (Ben and Blondie, not the mob). We suffered through Kelly and Kevin dressing up in some kind of "Guys and Dolls" bad wardrobe, trying to be mobsters. Asa disguised himself with sunglasses to put a hit out on his own son, who he, of course, did not know was his son at the time.
Renee suddenly remembered she and Asa had a son, just before their second (third? can't remember) wedding. We were baited into believing it was Max, then Max took up the gauntlet and scammed his dear, dear friend Renee, pretty much decimating that relationship, in order to get access to the Buchanan millions for himself and Blair and in theory, for his never seen twins, for Al who was still with Gabrielle at that time and for Starr. Eventually, Ben was revealed to be Renee and Asa's son, about 37 seconds before he was shot, sent into an terminal coma and sent to a prime time show that was canceled.
Max's character never recovered from this storyline and afterwards, Renee was pretty much rendered invisible.
Kevin started going through quite a slew of women, starting with Kassie, who was still married to Andrew, then going on to Grace, after Kassie went crazy, then on to Kelly, his brother's wife, after Grace died. No one minded, really, that he stole Joey's wife right out from under his nose. Viki applauded them for recognizing their love that could not be denied and basically told Joey to get over it and stop whining.
A fan favorite, Ty Treadway, was vilified as the horrendously insane Dr Colin MacIver. He kidnapped and tortured Nora for days on end before being killed and launching us into a mediocre murder mystery with an ending as limp as... well... limp.
Ty even looked really, really good when he was dead
We rejoiced when Ty resurfaced as Dr Troy MacIver, but he was quickly reduced to Colin Jr, which is a damned crying shame because he was way too hot with Lindsay to be panting after Nora. C'mon, guys! Give us a story where Troy was really Colin who wasn't really dead and came back for vengeance, but Troy is still alive and really DOES fall for Lindsay. C'mon, c'mon, c'mon.
I try very hard not to be one who lives in the past. I don't think it's healthy, even if soaps, especially OLTL, were a damned sight better back then. When I look back to where we were a couple of years ago, how far down the show had fallen, only to be picked up again in a matter of a couple months, it gives me hope for the future. As nearly as I can tell, we're pretty far in the pooper right now and it's nice to know it could all turn around once the new head writer really finds her feet and settles in. I have a few ideas if she's interested:
1) Bring back Max. He is an interesting character with several ties still in Llanview. It would be especially good if he could wake up Renee and Asa.
2) As mentioned before, bring back the REAL Troy and hook him up with Lindsay. In lieu of that, FINALLY hook her up with RJ.
3) Heat up David and Dorian with a good story.
4) Play down the Bo and Nora thing. Been there, done that, don't want to go back again until the pod people are gone.
5) Send away Marcie, Michael, Jennifer, Riley, Daniel, the cast of the Love House and anyone else who is just hanging around doing nothing. Marcie and Al were sweet and endearing. Marcie and Michael are cumbersome and extraneous. Jennifer is better than she used to be, but is pretty much just "there" now.
6) No. More. Singing.
7) Bring back: Clint (recast OK) because this show has NO matriarch and patriarch. Sophia to wake up Antonio a bit. Mitch because we have no bad guys who are worth a damn. Alex Olanov because I love to watch her. Kassie because I love Laura Koffman and the Cramer women should all be together. Hank because Bo just hasn't been right since he left. Madam Delphina just because I love her. Mel Hayes because wow, what a story THAT would give Dorian and David! Heck, he can marry Viki for all I care and really get the rivalry back in motion!
8) What yourself and DON'T lose Ilene Kristen. Find something for that woman to do, preferably with Nigel.
9) Put the focus back on family drama, lust, romance and intrigue.
10) Wake up Angel's square and get a little color into that show!
Foremost, I think the characters should always be forced to dress as they did for the New Year's Eve party. LOVED IT!! I can't think of a single one of the amazing costumes that I actually disliked. I found them all to be extremely creative, splendiferously opulent and downright over-the-top delicious. Each one was even more fun than the last. I can't decided which one I liked better. All I needed to make my GH dressing up experience better was for Brad Maule to break into "Jump, Jive & Wail."
Man, I miss the Nurses Ball. :(
In other worlds...
Gimme sum more of DAT! Here are the top 10 reasons why Sage wants Flea and Big Daddy John to hook up:
10) For those who do not know, Flea delivers one hell of a love scene as long as she's not with Luke. Flea was quite the little hornpuppy in her day, rivaling Bobbie...
9) Which brings me to Bobbie, Flea's best friend (Lucy, you will recall, was her "bestest best" friend). Having Flea hook up with Bobbie's ex with whom, I might add, she still has mondo sparks, would be great TV.
8) I love the name "Felicia Durant," so I would make it a rule that now that her girls are grown up (one missing in action) that she is forbidden from rearranging her name in some spastic way to have the same last name that they do.
7) Flea and Mac are old and tired; Flea and Luke are horrifying and having her with John would pretty much negate the possibility of either of those things happening.
6) I don't think Kristina Wagner has scrinched up her nose ONCE since her return and she deserves to be rewarded with some hearty Big Daddy John lovins.
5) Lorenzo couldn't handle her and Jax would be racing her for the mirror.
4) Her "private investigator" skills would make him smile in that yummy Big Daddy John way.
3) Mac would want to kick his ass and that would make for good drama. Mac wouldn't dig on Felicia being with a renegade cop.
2) I'd like to see Big Daddy John heat it up with something more than a smarmy one night stand.
and the number one reason I'd like to see Big Daddy John and Flea together...
1) It would eat into NEm time!!
Did you know that Corbin Bernsen was trained in the martial art of Jeet Kune Do by Bruce Lee himself and could therefore totally kick Kung Fu Cottontail's little bunny ass? He also has one of the largest collections of snow globes in the world, over 6000. Trippy, man.
Did you know that Maurice Benard is a member of the prestigious "Actor's Studio?" of "Inside the..." fame?
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT! As most of you know, tickets went on sale yesterday for the annual General Hospital Fan Club Weekend, which will take place pretty much from July 14-17th. Eye on Soaps staff (nope, Sage won't be there this year) will be on hand to people watch, soap talk and laugh it up with you as party after party unfolds that weekend. This is THE fan event of the year to attend. Debbie Morris, the Grande Dame who midwifes this fantastic extravaganza every year, NEVER fails to deliver and this year promises to be no exception. Tickets first go on sale to GH Fan Club members in January, then nonmembers get to scurry for the leftovers in February. These tickets go FAST and the main luncheon sells out right away, so get on over to www.ghfanclub.com and order your tickets! That's also where you get the most up to date information for the little parties as their plans firm up. Be sure and bookmark that site!
Several sites, including Wubs.net, are confirming that Connor will rape Emily. After her conjugal honeymoon lovins with Nikolas, will we have a who's the daddy story? The never ending, never back burning, never slowing roll of NEmTV continues.
Wub Queen also confirms that yes, we will get our Hells back on January 6th, which makes for a happy Thursday! Thanks for letting us know, Wub Queen! A Helena return is happy, happy news!
And with that, Happy Happy Sage is off to a peaceful night of watching "Dynasty, the Making of a Guilty Pleasure," which is a guilty pleasure in and of itself. Thank goodness for video tape! :)
Have a wonderful week,
Note: Sage gets a fat ton of mail every day and regrets he can't answer everyone personally. He loves ya, he just might not get a chance to write to ya! Besides!! He writes to you every week in a column whether you write to him or not! So there! Needless to say, if you are an asshole, he just isn't going to write back because you will have proven you're not the people he writes for anyway and therefore, do not deserve his attention. If you're inclined to do that, just pretend he wrote back and said, "That's just like, your opinion, man."
If your writing to ask about future storyline happenings, figure I answered, "Pfft, I dunno."