Darlings, the time has come once again for Sage to sharpen the claws and take a swipe or two at this incredible entity that we call the Daytime Emmy Awards. The Soap Opera Digest Awards are to the DEA's as the Golden Globes are to the Oscars, with it sometimes laying the template and sometimes fooling us into thinking we know what's going to happen. Like the proverbial phoenix, each year this ever regenerating lummox of a show climbs up out of the ashes of last year's taped up boobies and crocodile tears to again blind us with a blaze of spotlights, bleached teeth and sequins.
KNOW YOUR ENEMY:
This was to be the year of surprises, most notably that Co-GH Head Writer, Bob Guza, was even more belligerent than in previous years and bore a striking, unnerving and unfortunate resemblance to Elton John. I guess he's "Hip Bob" now instead of "Angry Bob." Here, you see three people whose faces should be on wanted posters in every post office in America for the murder of daytime drama. Megan "The Butcher" McTavish, who brought us such drama as "Angel wears white and lives in a swamp," "Chloe has a psychic tumor" and "Cassadines suck, let's get rid of them with Endgame." Bob "The Looza" Guza has blessed us with "Felicia, deadbeat mom tied up in fluffy handcuffs in the basement," "The Sonny Corinthos Hour" and "Don't trust or work anyone over 30." Charles Pratt (if you are in England and you refer to him as "a right pratt," they won't just consider him to be accurate) gets pegged through guilt by association for hanging out with Looza Guza. The rest of the folks up there are fairly benign.
That is why this year, we will be referring to the Emmy for Best Writing on a Daytime Drama as "The Best Emmy Money Can Buy." I've suspected since Jacob Young glowed over his Daytime Emmy Award last year that the damned things are rigged (Meribarb, sweetheart, I totally adore you, but you and I have to agree to disagree on this one), but hearing the crap that we watched last year (which was akin to playing 52-turd pickup with a chimp) being proclaimed the best writing on daytime television just clinches for me that the Daytime Emmys are totally bought and paid for. I'm betting they used Rachel Ames' and Constance Towers' salaries. Bastards. Now we'll never get rid of JFP and Guza. >:<
As you can see, Sage has no love whatsoever for these events. I feel they are the bane of the Soap World because they provide perfect fodder for the screaming, ugly masses to have even more fits than they do on a normal basis in their little hate and venom filled world of competition. The red carpet, I adore and I again curse the very NAME of Comcast (previously cursing the very NAME of AT&T before the bloody coup in which Comcast retook our cable company) for not carrying SoapNet (I curse thee, I curse thee but please still let my cable modem work!! Thankee) so I could see the DAMNED PRE-SHOW!!! Anyway, I'm going to throw out comments in no particularly order.
- I knew it might be a bad night when I started getting really excited that they showed a brief shot of Rod Hull and Emu during their "Daytime Emmy Through the Years" segment at the beginning. I'd go into who Rod Hull was, but that would entail a lengthy discussion about who The Hudson Brothers were, why they were entitled to a show called "The Hudson Brothers' Razzle Dazzle Hour," then about the little kid who was the manager of the show and how Bill Hudson was married to Goldie Hawn and Kate Hudson ("Almost Famous") is their daughter and that Bill is now married to Cindy Williams from "Lavern and Shirley" and "American Graffiti" and that Bill and Goldie did NOT part on good terms, but now that Goldie is all zen-like, she might be bringing enough peace into the situation that they're all cuddly again. There was also a thing about "Rodney Allen Rippey, take a bow" and this really gorgeous little black boy would come out and bow. We all had a serious crush on Brett (on the same level as the crush we had on Bobby Sherman, guy to the right here) and Mark went on to write a bunch of the newer Aerosmith songs. I was just glad to see Rod and Emu, who died when they fell through the roof adjusting the TV antenna.
- The clip submitted for Josh Duhamel's nomination as Best Supporting Actor was the perfect choice: Leo reacting to the (we thought) death of Vanessa. Sadly, it was clipped before the very best moment of Duhamel TV history, which was when Vanessa's eyes opened and he jumped backwards in that insane, frantic "Holy SHIT!" dance. Such a waste when a couple of seconds would have made the clip.
- We were all very pleased that the breasts of both Cady McLain and Kelly Monaco could make it. We suspect that somewhere behind them, the owners of said boobies were also present. At these awards, there are always more breasts seen than at a La Leche League meeting. I can't imagine that there is a single strip of tape left in all of LA after they've all finished taping their glorious mounds into place. Even Robin McGraw was filled to the neck with décolletage. How's that workin' for ya, Phil?
- Ingo looked like a doofus and I'm ashamed that his mother never taught him that it's rude to wear sunglasses inside. I am so sorry, Hulda and Linda, I thought he looked particularly bad. (In the banner picture above, I was outside... no lie).
I'm sorry this pic is so little. It's the only one I can find and it doesn't grow up into a bigger one when I click on it. :(
- Tony Geary looked really, really hot.
- I counted ex-GH EP, Wendy Riche's name mentioned ONCE and that was in Vanessa Marcil's acceptance speech. I'm grateful she didn't start babbling about having to pee or fart or other bodily functions. She looked absolutely wonderful. I don't usually go for that whole tapestry look, but on her, the dress looked quite good.
- I thought Wayne Brady did a fine job of hosting and laughed at his comment about Kelly Ripa having 47 babies. That was the second laugh I got last week off of Kelly Ripa, the first being the picture of her with her face in her husband's crotch. (click to make it bigger... the picture, not the crotch, except in proportion to the picture)
- David Fumero was in a collection of comments from OLTL folks about the show's tenure on the air and of course, it showed him with lots of exposed muscles and in one of those, "Oh, you want to talk to MEEE? I was just working out and you interrupted me!" fake work outs. Puh-lease. Leave the show faster, dork. How could they do that and show NO Ty Treadway pecs? Tragic.
- Speaking of tragic, Judith Light's hair was tragic, but her dress was wonderful. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------>>>
- Hillary B Smith looked great and Cynthia Preston makes a faboo red-head.
- Real Andrews didn't even let the ink dry on his ATWT contract before bounding up onto the stage with the cast to accept the award for Best Daytime Drama. Yep. He made the year. I have never, ever ventured off of ABC, but many people tell me ATWT very much deserved the award.
- I hear the same thing said for Susan Flannery, who took home the Best Actress award for the second year in a row (last year being the year Susan Lucci misheard the name and walked onstage). Eh. I gots no qualms about it. Her acceptance speech impressed me and I love her soft, purry voice. Hair = Tragic, but I'm betting it's some kind of statement or something.
- The musical medley didn't do a whole lot for me. Ron Raines butchered "Can You Feel the Love Tonight" to the point that my cringing answer was, "No?" "Love Shack" is a song that is no one's friend EXCEPT the B-52's and poor Kassie DePaiva (who looked AWESOME) got saddled with it. Why the hell couldn't she get a decent song like "Beast of Burden?" I'm pleased that Eva LaRue has a day job to keep her on par with John (and we shall pray she doesn't quit it). Her dress was a horrible fringe hell monstrosity. Wally Kurth was dynamic singing "When a Man Loves a Woman," but I felt, again, they could have picked a better song for him (But he looked GREAT in casual chic). Some guy named Ricky Paull Goldin brutally murdered "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" to the point that Freddie Mercury climbed up out of his grave and personally strangled the guy after the show. Look for him in the "Died This Year" montage next Emmys.
- Brian Gaskill looked tres' handsome, just an angel.
- Tamara Braun and Alicia Leigh Willis, those clever little minxes, reversed their colors so that ALW was wearing black (oooh, I'm so baddd) and TB was wearing white (I'm so twinkly pure and innocent). I'd love to get ahold of that floppy, lank hair, however. I know it might be the style, but blow dryer, baby, blow and spray, blow and spray.
- Donny Osmond still looks like a teen heartthrob. I dub him the new Dick Clark. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------->
<---- Some little girl named Kirsten Storm looked absolutely stunning and in perfect young beauty-wear.
- During a montage of 40 years of GH, they showed a misty eyed Brian Frons, who was probably crying because of *sigh* so many wasted years when people over 30 were used in scenes.
- I was really sad during the "People Who Died" segment when they showed Lynne Thigpen. She was the last one shown and people applauded and cheered. I was pleased that I couldn't tell if it was for her or the whole batch. It was also sad to see Michael Jeter (Mr Noodle's Brother, Mr Noodle) in the dead people montage. :( Forget the Mr Rogers tribute... I ran out of kleenex way to early. *sob*
- Rebecca Buddig's dress made her look frumpy and slouchy, but when she cracked a smile, the dress was quickly forgotten. WHAT a gorgeous lady she is!! Alicia Minishew looked unspeakably beautiful.
- I was thrilled that Sesame Street took another win and was amaze to hear that they'd had 243 nominations and 84 wins. The part about Mr Hooper made me cry.
- The little guy from "Even Stevens" is definitely on crack or something. Yikes. Someone give that boy a big bowl of Ritalin O's. I mean, what a little tweaker that fella was!
- During an uncomfortable special scene, we were give a "writers' tour" by Nancy Lee Grahn (supposedly a little funny to give us a giggle), but when she said, "You have to be nice to the writers or there is definite payback," the irony of her words obviously almost choked her.
- Seeing Jessica Morris in her Emmy dress made me stop and thoughtfully consider, "Hmmm. I wonder what in the world made the writers think this megatalented super actress could play a whore who acts out sexually at the first sign of any tension (or any penis)? Typecasting much?" Me thinks art immitates life or vicey versey, at least dresswise!
- Linda Dano proved to me for about the 5 millionth time in 20 years that if she is what style is about, then I don't know anything about style.
- In other news...*sigh*...Fonz is old like the rest of us. Moment of silence.
- I had such a laugh out of Agnes Nixon saying that One Life to Live was originally to be called "Between Heaven and Hell" because that's exactly what it was last year when it was sandwiched between AMC and GH. I mean, how prophetic can you get?
- The women from The View were just annoying as hell and I was ashamed for them to even be there. Meredith Vieira looked dumpy and frumpy in what served as her dress and they did little more than bitch the whole night. I love "The View," but they embarrassed themselves even though they won. Maybe that's why out of 67 nominations, this was their first win.
- Although I personally didn't get to hear it (see above rant about not having SoapNet), I heard that Finola Hughes was a real jerk to Thorsten Kaye in the pre-show. What a shame!
That's all for Sage's 2003 Emmy Wrap up. Why do I watch it and comment when I don't have much that's nice to say? Because a bunch of you folks asked me to. Lord, I hate these shows, but I'm definitely willing to take one for the team. Besides, you never know when a streaker might fly past.