How can you not love it!! I will be getting on to the enforced
Gedstern deciphering soon enough, but first, we must dish about the 29th
Annual Daytime Emmy Awards!! As you can see, I was on hand to pick
up mine for "Best New Soap Page and All Around Cool Soap
Guy." It was one of those insignificant ones that they give
away at the fake Emmys the day before where only the nominees and a couple
of janitors named Mike and Omar are present. What they DON'T tell
you is that five seconds after the picture is snapped, they descend on you
and snatch the Emmy away and spirit it off to be engraved or
something. I'm sure there are little sweatshop children laboring
over "Sage Bourland: Best New Soap Page and All Around Cool
Soap Guy - 2002" somewhere as we speak. What they don't is that after
plying him with much liquor in our post-Emmy congratulatory partying, Josh
Duhamel and I drew up elaborate plans for turning ours into bongs.
You can't tell it, but those little suckers are HEAVY and there will be
drilling involved...oh yes, there will be drilling.
Although there is much extraneous stuff to be said (and I will be saying it!), I can pretty much sum up this year's Emmy's with three words: "Too Many Tits." Some of you may have figured out that I'm just not much of a boob man, but I am indeed a style man and definitely an ABC man. All of these things come into play soon enough.
When I commented to Josh that I'm just not a tit man, he looked at me like I was a new specimen of worm or something. "WHAT?" I asked him. He said he figured that given my "predisposition" that I probably didn't even notice such things. Adoing??! Like I'm suddenly blind? Puh-lease. Just because I'm not aching to achieve maximum lust consummation with a woman doesn't mean I can't tell if she's hot or not and it particularly doesn't mean I can't tell if she's dressed like a tramp or a class act! I will also admit to a twinge or two here and there, just as I'm sure that most people have twinges that don't always ring true what what they normally put into practice in such arenas. Ahem. So when I got home and was going through pictures, I found that ATWT was the show that should have gotten recognition for having the most female stars who dressed like tramps. Men and Emmy fashion are a foregone conclusion. Tux. Tux with slight variation. Those are the only two available to men options because WE still live by the sword and die by the sword that is inscribed "The Words 'Black Tie Affair' Mean Something." Women decide that they are going to dress in varying degrees of style and try to make a big fashion statement. How often do you hear a man asked "who" he's wearing?
As I said, I'm an ABC man and always have been. There is an unwritten law that intelligent, high brow people watch ABC, people who don't expect as much and are willing to make greater allowances in the quality of their entertainment watch CBS and teenyboppers and white trash watch NBC. Bad news, don't shoot the messenger. I'm just telling you what's out there. That means that when I'm talking about stars and characters from other networks, I don't have the faintest clue what I'm talking about. I know that our Cliff is now on *some other show* and the real AJ Quartermaine is on *some other show* and Maggie The Nun is on *some other show AND won an Emmy for her work on said other show*. I know Dorian used to be Hecuba on Passions and had fun while I cried my eyes out for her and Phoebe Fickalilly from "Nanny and the Professor" is on the same show as Tabitha. There. You have the extent of my other network knowledge.
As I said, most of the women from ATWT were dressed like hookers...expensive hookers (though they didn't come close to outclassing my Ho's), but hookers nonetheless. Let me show you:
All of the above women are from As The World Turns. Honorable trampy mention goes to this woman:
from Guiding Light - Yikes!! Did she grease up before the pictures? Ew! And to these working girls from The Young and The Restless (or "The Young and the Breastless" as they shall henceforth be known):
I mean, can we LOOK any more like we're ZZ Top women? In contrast, submitted for your ooohing and ahhhing:
Donna Pescow, Chloe's Aunt Gertrude, was RADIANT and is now on *some other show*. She looked damned glad not only to be at the Emmys, but to be working.
Beth from Guiding Light looked like a movie star and won my total style approval. I know she plays Beth because she told me.
Our Finola shows how to TASTEFULLY show off a little postpartum décolletage and looked absolutely beeeyootiful.
Ditto for Heather Tom from *some other show* who had a beautiful dress, beautiful body and beautiful smile, but unfortunately looked like she was dressed more for lunch at the country club than a formal event.
Kudos from this gal fro Guiding Light who, unlike Greasy GL Woman above, looks beautiful, slightly booby and appropriately formal. Very nice!
This Lady in Red who plays Brittany on *some other show* broke the law of "leave blinding colors at home," but it works! If she were to lose the second head she has growing out of her left side, the dress would be perfect. This dress and the one below:
(Ironically from an ATWT cast member who evidently got the memo to show boob, but missed the part about 'and be tacky about it') show that one can wear a dress with a plunging neckline and not look like a Vegas showgirl making money on the side. The pink is a little to negligee for me, but it's a fine fit and beautiful dress.
Ex-Maggie the Nun was doing great with her dress:
Looking absolutely stunning until HEY!!
We got down past the bodice and found that it is indeed a tragedy to not have friends who are honest enough to tell you, "Honey, that mess is...a tragedy."
Best dressed awards for the night go to the Olsen twins whose appearance made young men across the nation look them up on the Internet Movie Database to see when exactly they turn 18.
Another ATWT star ALMOST makes it to classic GORGEOUS if only she'd lose that pink satin tumor from the back of her otherwise PERFECT dress. I don't want to speculate on that aqua "Designs by Byork" travesty behind her.
Ex-AJ, Sean Kanan, sporting his Jack Wagner look and cuddling his significant other who might want to consider working for ATWT if she isn't already.
Josh with his soon-to-be-bong.
The joke that proves this is all rigged.
So check this out! The guy above is the recast for Rick on B&B. Rick was the character Jacob Young played before taking over the role of Lucky Spencer. Now I ask you, if B&B can cast someone who looks so freakishly like JY as Rick, why can't we find someone who looks a little more freakishly like Jonathan Jackson to play Lucky, hmmmm?
Absolute freaking disaster of the night of the night was when the award for Best Actress was read by a nameless blonde young actress *from some other show* who will go down in history as dumber than a bag of hammers for SHRIEKING the winner's name inarticulately as "Susan ARRGGHHH" when there was Susan Lucci and Susan Flannery (above) both as nominees. SL was right off stage, having just presented an award and we saw her ask a stage person if it was her and receive the confirmation that it was while the AMC theme started to play. She enacted the perfect "Oh My God" soap diva gush (she was soooo excited) and began to walk onto the stage while Susan Flannery flew up to the podium like a bat out of hell, grabbed the statue and started making her speech while poor Susan L eased off stage in what had to be great embarrassment. Find the people responsible for this disrespectful glitch and pound them mercilessly. Bad, bad form.
Lastly, the most gratifying award of the night was "Best Daytime Drama" picked up by the very deserving OLTL team. They have taken the turd of a show that Jill Farren Phelps left them and turned it into a REAL award winner. Gary "God" Tomlin is second from the left and should be given a number of humanitarian awards in addition to this Emmy for the turn around OLTL has done. That just shows us that there is indeed hope for GH!!
Column #2 will be up tomorrow! Wait!! It's 2:00am...it'll be up later today! After Sage snoozes for a while.