June 28, 2005
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DO I WHAT???
WILL I WHAT???
OH YOU SWEET THANG YOU
YOU KNOOOOOOOW WHAT I LIIIIIKE!
Back to a week of those fascinating, fabulous, irritating,
infuriating, exciting ABC soaps!
I love it. When I went to grab the Fight Club promo
to make the Ryan and Greenlee pic, it already said, "Mischief, Mayhem, Soap."
Does it really get any better than that?
This has got to be the dumbest crap I've ever seen hit the
soapwaves. Ryan is secretly a cock fighter, with himself as the... cock.
I have never seen such rooster waving in my life. A bunch of testosterone
overloaded, hyperbole driven yuppie assmunches get together in Zach Slater's
basement and beat the shit out of each others. My favorite part was when
Ryan was hallucinating that his father was there kicking his ass when in
reality, he was kicking his own ass. If that is not metaphoric for the
whole lameass story, I don't know what is. I'm more interested in why
people who see Ryan flailing all over the fight area after he's pulverized the
other guy aren't having him locked up. After the way he's treated
David (deserved or not) and if what I suspect is true and Hercules was rolling
around on the floor of the Fight Club by himself, wrestling with a phantom
daddy, then someone's got to be blowing the horn that this guy is nucking
futs (I'm talking worse than Tom Cruise even!) and needs to be locked away
from the rest of us and NOT, Miss Greenlee, running around free, producing
little crazy carbon copies. Maybe she SHOULD look at the evidence that
everyone in Ryan's family was absolutely insane.
You know, I have been doing some thinking about what Ryan
and Greenlee's baby might look like. When I was a teenager (OK, so I was
in my 20's, SHUT UP!!), I collected these little toys called M.U.S.C.L.E.S and I
think some of them might look just like the little Lavery bundle of joy would
look. If it favored mom, I would choose this one,
Here, Muscleman wears a stunning boned corset, defining
tights and smart briefs. His hair is fashionably teased into a stunning
coiffeur and his face is contorted into a petulant look of rage and pouting...
or, if he favors Ryan, this one is called Leopoldon:
I'm not sure what it is about ol' Leopoldon that reminds
me so strongly of Ryan, but if I look at the picture long enough, maybe it will
come to me.
Or perhaps they'll have a whole passel of kids who look
I can't believe he used the actual rules from the
movie "Fight Club." Does he know that it's only a movie? Does he
think Tyler Durden is going to move in with him? Lord knows the guy
talks to enough imaginary people as it is.
In case any of you did not see the movie, here are the
official Fight Club rules:
1st RULE: You do not talk about
2nd RULE: You DO NOT talk about FIGHT CLUB.
3rd RULE: If someone says "stop" or goes limp or taps out, the fight is
4th RULE: Only two guys to a fight.
5th RULE: One fight at a time.
6th RULE: No shirts, no shoes.
7th RULE: Fights will go on as long as they have to.
8th RULE: If this is your first night at FIGHT CLUB, you HAVE to fight.
I also hated the way he was babbling to
Greenlee about how dark and sinister he is. "...And
when they pulled my body from the twisted, burning wreck of a family, my soul
looked like this..."
...And that, Greens, is why I am too dark and twisted
and skeery to have babies. The End."
Something tells me that if I have to watch Greenlee get it
on with this:
I'ma gonna spew.
Speaking of stuff I just so completely do NOT need to see,
what's the deal with that cup, anyway? Every time I see it, it reminds me
of the time I dressed up as a lab tech for Halloween and carried around specimen
cups, one with pineapple juice and one with a miniature Baby Ruth candy bar
Every time Courtney and Jax were going all soft porn, I
was scared to death I was going to have to watch her trap those damned things
and slam the lid shut. Even for ME that's too ewwww. Like the limp
green thing of the soap opera grocery bag (and a limp green thing would do us no
good in this story), the specimen cup is about to get listed in the closing
credits, I think, as a key player in the scenes. Since Elizabeth was
fertilized today, we can hope that it's the last we see of Mr Plastic Sperm
...and yes, the rumors are off and running that there may
be a Jax and Elizabeth pairing in the works. Weird, but possible.
[Ha! I was plundering around the net, trying to
collect my thoughts,
this, which totally cracked me up in a twisted way I do not wish to further
About today's GH specifically, any time I can have both
Luke and Coleman not only in a scene together, but in tuxes at the same time,
I am just such a happy, happy boy. I'd even let Coleman call me "Mama."
I have asked before and I still have to wonder. Are
the "uh's" and "um's" actually written in Natalia Livingston's script?
C'mon, someone's seen'em. There are literally 3-10 in every sentence the girl
I'm proud of Sonny for settling the record straight with
Carly, who is definitely having trouble seeing the boundaries drawn in the sand.
"My penthouse before I met you. My penthouse after you're gone. My
choice of who lives in it now." Doesn't get much clearer than that!
I did cringe when she actually said, "we made LOVE on that COUCH!" We can
bet Reese won't be sitting there now without turning the cushions over. I
kept expecting her to go on, "...and on that countertop... and against that
wall... and on that dresser..." I wonder if Carly thought the same thing
about the hairy blanket Hannah used to snuggle to after accepting Sonny's mighty
sperm into her holiest of holies. Come to think of it, I never did see the
hairy blanket after Hannah left, so maybe Sonny set it on fire or something (as
it should be). Another good point was made with Carly's "It takes one to
know one" speech to Jason. Two points for history recapped. Carly
did, however, lose points by thinking she could keep Alcazar from noticing she
disappeared all night by keeping the tequila coming. She definitely
underestimates her hubby!
Lastly, I was thrilled when Emily came to Sam for advice,
practically saying, "You seem like someone who has screwed around a lot,
probably faked it a bunch of time and I need some suggestions."
It just keeps getting better and better!
...and for those who noticed, I have been watching OLTL
and I have found that I just don't have anything to say about it. It's not
one of those "if you can't say something nice" things. I just don't have
Peace to all of you, my darlings,