June 6, 2005
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Welcome to my old/new place! I thought my recent
life recovery warranted a revisit to the old look and my old internet world.
It felt good to be looking through my old columns again.
If you will look to the left, you will see buttons for all
of my columns over the years, to my new message board and such.
This particular page I revamped for today's column is from
almost exactly two years ago, June 30, 2003. At that time, we were
excitedly celebrating the demise of pop ups on Eye on Soaps. For those of
you who haven't been with us that long, EOS used to pay for its monthly
expenses, or a good chunk of it, by having a pile of pop ups fly up in your face
every time you pulled up the main page or sometimes, a few pages inside, mine
included. They crashed the machines of some folks and were, at best,
fucking annoying as hell. We said that if EOS readers could, for three
consecutive months, carry the expenses for EOS, we would take off the pop ups.
The EOS readers came through and so did we, taking down the pop ups for two
A couple of times, we've lost the site during those two
years when donations were insufficient to make the expenses for that month.
Last month was one of those times and even after the bill was paid, it took a
couple of admin days for the site to come back online again. Katrina, our
webmaster, works hard on this site, logging in plenty of hours every day on her
own writing and site upkeep. The staff also spends time away from their
lives and their families to provide quality commentary for all tastes, all
personalities. This is done without any compensation to any of the staff
other than a kind reader letter here and there and Katrina's unending support
and appreciation. They are contributing their time and talent to provide
this site for the tens of thousands of readers who create a few million hits a
month. Only a tiny, tiny percentage of those readers who access EOS every
day or every week take the time to donate to its continuance. If it goes
away, they will move on to another site.
I am personally asking you not to be one of those EOS
readers who pops on, takes what we have to offer and doesn't give back.
Above all, Eye on Soaps is a community and we all have to pitch in and make it
work. I and many of the other staff members contribute financially every
month, in addition to writing columns for the site. We love the site and
don't want to see it fade away due to lack of interest from the readers. I
hope you feel the same way. It's not just this month, it's every month
that EOS depends on its readership to keep us on the internet. No donation
is too small. Every one helps out. We receive donations of $10, $15, $25,
$100, etc. Donations come in in every denomination and all are vital to
Is Eye on Soaps worth something to you? Have you
really looked at all it has to offer? (www.eyeonsoaps.com)
We provide spoilers, with commentary, every single week and an update to
commentary, both on and off topic, almost every day. Eye on Soaps boasts
some of the finest writers on the soap internet and we are proud to share each
and every one with you.
Most of all, Eye on Soaps is my home. I've just come
back to myself again and I don't want to lost you guys any time soon! I
have always said (and stuck to the promise) that I will never write for a
website other than Eye on Soaps. It's where I live on the net and where I
will stay. If EOS is here, I will be here. If EOS goes away,
so will I.
Expenses for the month are deducted each month on the 7th.
I am asking and depending on you to help keep our home intact.
You may donate by clicking on the buttons below.
Thank you so much,
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Now, on to the shows...
I had written a full column on AMC and how much I am
loving it lately, but computer glitches conspired against me and kabam! It
disappeared into the vapors. So here I go on the recreations.
YES, I am loving AMC, but not what I am watching right
now, which is back to *sigh* The Mr and Mrs Lavery Hour. I can't believe
she just said, "I USED to be the most selfish bitch on earth." How in the
world did she say "used to be" with a straight face? This comes after
storming into a fertility clinic, demanding Ryan's sperm and bedamned the rules,
bedamned what anyone else needs. Her wants and her needs rule supreme.
Here's Ryan, STILL talking about his stupid vasectomy to anyone who will listen,
justifying to the freakin ends of the earth his choice to take away the
choices in his marriage, commandeering the gestational reins without giving
Greenlee any input and vote. He's right, of course. She never would
have understood, never would have agreed and since they were, of course, on the
verge of exploding into ovulation, he couldn't waste a second of time before
blowing apart the vas defrens highways that would dump his little swimmers right
at Greenlee's ripe and ready and grasping cervix. Never has there been a
story that would more aptly display, in blinding technicolor, the blatant
selfishness and self-absorbedness of these two deplorable characters. If I
ever liked any of them, I can't remember it. I'm sure I did, but at this
point, it is clouded by my extreme dislike of them. Separately, they were
barely tolerable. Together, they are vomit-inducing. (But how much
do I love Ian Buchanan? The love knows no bounds.)
Likewise, Maria, who can't seem to nail that last hand to
the cross with the other two spikes already in. Fortunately, there are
plenty in Pine Valley who are there to help her achieve her blessed martyrdom.
YES, we get it, your kids are bitches. YES, we get it, your ace in the
hole is now an ace in Kendall's hole. YES, it sucks to be you. Pfft.
Get over it. Fortunately, AMC is getting over it and later this month,
both Maria and Maddie will be singing Happy Trails and shaking Pine Valley off
their shoes. Buh-bye. Sam will be staying around, becoming Tad's new
ward and "aw shucks" foster child. They had to keep him so that Lily would
have someone to kiss.
Pity the Laverys can't also ride off into the leather-clad
sunset to pound away at their infertile sex games. Can't have everything,
I guess. From the looks of contracts, they will be around to torture us
into the dark ages again.
We should see another bit of Jeff Branson (Blown Up
Jonathan) next week. It is yet unknown whether he will continue on as a
ghostly visage or in real life by some soap rewriting. Branson is,
however, still on contract.
Didn't I mention at the beginning that I love this soap!
I do! I do! Those are just the pesky flies in my otherwise yummy bowl of
AMC ice cream. I have been riveted to the Di/Dixie/Whodafuck story,
wanting more than the key characters involved to know who the complete hell
she is. What I love most about the story is that NO ONE seems to have
all of the pieces, even DI! My completely coveted story would be for Di to
be "proven" to be Dixie beyond the shadow of a doubt (all ABC soaps play fast
and loose with DNA results, why not one more?), she settles about a year or two
into the cush life of Pine Valley's Favorite Princess and then BAM! Cady
McClain returns as the REAL Dixie and the shit completely hits the fan. As
much as I disliked Dixie in all of her pretentious glory (much less, TWO of
them), I do like drama and this would definitely stir up summa dat!
As Di aptly pointed out, who WOULDN'T want to be Dixie??
One of my favorite things about AMC as it is now is having
Krystal firmly under lock and key in the pen. Hearing her words of
motherly wisdom pouring forth this week made me groan out loud. I couldn't
believe she actually said to her daughter:
"A guy can only see a gal without lipstick a few times
before he loses interest."
"I'm in PRISON without so much as a good conjugal visit
to keep him coming around."
Um, yeah. there's about 10 pounds of self-esteem in
a 5 pound bag, proving out the deepest fears over every insecure woman in the
viewing audience, that men only want make up and sex from the bags of biology
known as females. Nice. >:<
Then there is that whacked out comment made by Amanda (I
can hear the powers that be now, "Whores! Whores! We need more good,
old-fashioned whores! They are like cowbells in a Judas Priest song! You
can NEVER have enough WHORES! More whores! More whores!") to Jamie,
post failed-seduction [paraphrased], "Take it from someone who has worn the same
tank top as your wife..." What? For so many different reasons, what?
So yeah, I was talking about how much I love this show.
Let me reach around in this bag a bit more. I love the Di/Dixie story... I
love Kendall and Zach Slater. I love... Aidan! I love Aidan!
Even with the psycho hose beast, Amanda, he's hot, hot, hot! I love Lily!
What am I saying? I might actually actively dislike
this show! Ask me tomorrow when it's not 1pm with a lame episode behind
me. On Friday, I loved it and I'll be damned now if I can remember why
(and no, I didn't make notes, I just wrote the column that evaporated).
I LOVE THIS SHOW!!! Not only is David Vickers hot as
hot can be, but YES! There ARE more at home like him and now there are
more on the show! Welcome to Spencer Truman, (my bad, thinking they
would have the same last name) brother of David Vickers and newest Hottie
McHotterstein on the show. Yum! I could spend a good bit of time
looking at that guy! He's wunnerful. *sigh*
Did Kevin actually say, "Does a guy have to have a reason
for taking his ex-wife to dinner?" You know, Kev, in this world, yeah, I
think you do.
Asa is not only holding Duke hostage, but is going to ally
with Carlo Hesser to kill off Blair? Then Adrianna overhears them talking
and, being the ego-maniac that she is, thinks SHE is the target of the hit?
I am so grateful to see Asa back. I am so grateful to welcome Christopher
Thom back to the show, but damn, this story is a dead fish.
Marcie is about to piss me off even more. Michael
says, "Don't go anywhere with Hays, OK?" "Why, what's wrong." "I can't
say, just don't go anywhere with him." "But WHY, what's going ON?"
*sigh* Marcie, just shut up FOR ONCE and do what you're told!!!
I am so grateful that David and Dorian, the happiest
couple in daytime, are back together again. My heart melted when he took
back his engagement ring, only to return it to her with a renewed engagement.
The way she leapt into his arms had my eyes burning with tears in nothing
flat. It was so soapy and so wonderful.
Let me get this straight. To control her DID alter,
Tess, Jessica is going to lock herself in her room? I wonder why other DID
patients and their physicians never thought of this revolutionary treatment?
How many All About Eves and Sybils could have been saved over the years with a
simple turn of the key? Lame!
Now comes word that rather than giving her a boyfriend and
spicing up her life a bit, the recently fired Viki is going to have a massive
coronary. Like Erika Slezak told OLTL Executive Producer, Frank Valentini,
"PICK ON SOMEONE ELSE FOR A WHILE!"
I can't believe what an ass Antonio continues to make of
himself, seemingly without the writers realizing that he's making an ass of
himself. If anyone can find a redeeming sliver of value in this man with
severe anger issues and an extreme lack of common sense, I don't see how.
Lord knows he is the LAST person I would entrust the care of a toddler to and I
am grateful that the writers let the judge make a reasonable ruling.
Painting this jackass as some kind of leading man/hero is ludicrous.
For about 20 seconds, I was totally captivated by John and
Natalie on Friday, moments after she was nearly skewered by the crossbow arrow
when he barked that he didn't want to lose someone else he loves. Natalie
grabbed the word like a gold ring on a carousel and no doubt, we are now off and
running. Then I came to my sense and realized that this is just one more
link in the eternal chain of these three people (throw Evangeline in there)
dancing around each other in a macabre minuet that gets heavily on my nerves.
Did I say I love this show? Pfft, I think I might
hate this show too. NEXT!!!
Perhaps this is the wrong time in my life to bring this
up, but there isn't anyone I wouldn't leave for 5 million dollars.
Mind you, I'd ask for cash or wait for the check to clear before I left, but
wow, 5 mil. The cat fight was fun, definitely one of the most enthusiastic
we've seen in a while (this was no Krystal and Alexis in the fountain, honey,
the gloves were OFF). I give credit the most recent object of my
affections (for 3 weeks running now), Jennifer Bransford, who continues to just
lay'em out and pick'em up. JB has brought a new life to Carly that I've
never seen and I will cease my praise lest I begin plagiarizing my friend,
Coggie, who wrote a similarly
glowing column about my new favorite actress. She definitely hit the
ground running and did the impossible; she made Carly even more "Carly" than
she's ever been.
Like so many, I am LOVING the Coleman/Luke/Skye/Tracy
mess. Anything that gives me more Coleman is a wonderful thing! And
who would EVER think I'd say anything good about the Courtney/Jax wedding?
Yes, yes, I used to be a MAJOR Casper fan back in the days of the bet, but for
months now they have been like watching paint dry and my interest is just ZIP!
I loved Jason "ordering" Jax to marry Courtney (although I have to say, this
version of Not So Lady Jane really came out of left field and is a pain in my
ass). I was laughing my ass off at Coleman and Courtney in the elevator
and the only bad thing I can say about that scene is that it didn't go on long
I did, however, expect that Skye might warn Courtney to
have the house combed for Brenda, who tends to come back on wedding nights and
wreck things all to complete hell.
I was confused about Jason and Sam making arrangements for
Michael to see a psychiatrist. Nonparents can do that?
But I don't hate Sam. How weird is that?
I do, however, hate Michael. A child. A homicidal
little child. I hate him hard. He's like Emily Jr, killing people
and not only getting away with it, but having people around him help him get
away with it, telling everyone what to do and having a tantrum when they don't.
Yeah, gimme summa dat.
Speaking of Umily, I was counting down in my head from the
time Sam told her about the fight with Carly until she was on Carly's doorstep,
scolding and reprimanding and regaling her with anecdotes of marrying Zander
when she was in love with NIkolas, presuming to know Carly's heart and Carly's
mind when she barely even knows Carly's phone number? I mean, has she SEEN
Lorenzo? Who WOULDN"T fall on their knees proposing just by looking at
him? Sheesh. I hope that Carly and Lorenzo are the next freakin
supercouple. God knows Ted King has paid his dues sniffing around her
skirts for a couple of years now. If the two of them can finally hook up,
maybe he can get a chance to show what he's really made of.
Anything to move this train along.
I can't say enough good about Kristen Storms, who like
Jennifer Bransford, has done an amazing job dropping into an intense story and
convincing me that she IS Maxie. She does look a little too much like Fake
Porn Maxie from a couple years ago, but she is carrying the part extremely well.
It would, of course, been much more poignant to have Robyn Richards back in that
hospital bed and the reasoning behind letting her go completely evades me.
If the recast must happen, KS has done a marvelous job.
When I was culling this column format from the column
written back on June 30, 2005, I was amused to find that I wrote:
Note to the
folks who are doing Natalia Livingston's make up: TOO MUCH LIPSTICK!! The
glare was blinding. Admittedly, I thought the kiss today between Nikolas and
Emily was hot, hot, HOT, but I kept imagining Tyler Christopher spitting and
wiping a good deal after that take.
Ha! No shit. The more things change, the more
they stay the same.
I just watched Lorenzo propose to Carly. OK, I
changed my mind. Maybe there are some people I'd NOT leave for even
5 million dollars.
How funny that of all the shows, I now love this one most.
Now go donate to EOS and know I love you. Go on.
See you next week, my darlings.
Photos are from http://www.abcwebpix.com