I have sent up a guest book for her many fans to say good-bye to Jessica Ferrarone, the Real Lydia Karenin on GH. I will pass your messages on to her as she leaves our show and is replace out by a cookie cutter drone bee instead of the Queen that she is!!

You guys know I'm not usually gushing Fan Boy, but let's face it, this gal was a breath of fresh air into a very stale GH!!

Stop by and let her know you'll miss her!


http://pub22.bravenet.com/guestbook/show.php?usernum=1804252892

OK, so I guess I CAN do clicky links on the updates notices!  Those foxy little minxes said, "NO HTML!"  Those liarheads.  Anyway...

Hello My Darlings!!

Thanks to everyone who has contributed to Eye on Soaps this month!  We are working hard to stay on the net and greatly depend on your contributions to keep us around and this site free of pop up ads.  If you have not already done so and would like to throw a few dollars our way,  you may do so by clicking on the PayPal logo or by going here for more options.  We had a major freak out this week when there was not enough money in the EOS account to pay for the incoming monthly web hosting expenses, meaning that EOS would be shut down for a while!  So far, we're still around, and with your help, we'll stay that way.  If you enjoy what we do here at EOS, please consider chipping in to keep us around.  Every little bit definitely helps each month. 

This week, the gossip is at an all time low, but I will keep you posted as more appears through the week. 

I do have just a couple of tidbits before moving on to other things:

AMC

Kate, my beautiful cynical goddess, is all aflutter that Alfred Vanderpool, again played by Bill Timoney, will be showing up in Pine Valley briefly on July 18th. 

The teens are being trimmed back a bit.  Michael Alberti (Jamie), Amanda Seyfried (Joni) and Ivan Shaw (Henry) have all been released from their roles.  I heard that Jonie is being shipped off to boarding school by her parents (rumor only) and that both Jamie and JR will be returning SORAS'd yet again.  They will be older than their dads before long.

OLTL

...brings a 35th anniversary show to the screen on Wednesday, July 16th.  Clint will be back and there will be a great deal of old footage shown.  The show will center around preparations for Cris and Natalie's wedding.  Since David Fumero (Cris) is still slated to leave OLTL this summer and Melissa Archer (Natalie) is not, I'm not looking at a good chance of happy nuptials for these two.  There are rumors of Cris getting a bite for an art project in NY, so perhaps he'll just be shipped off to (the attic) the Big Apple to explore his career ambiguously.

GH

Pfft.  I got nothing EXCEPT that my #1 cohort, Coggie, did a bitchin' interview with one of my personal favorite actors, Loren Freeman (Elton Herbert).  Click here to read.

With that little smidgen of info out of the way, I of course wanted to offer what would hopefully be some meager form of entertainment.  Since my 2nd anniversary with Eye on Soaps came and went on June 1st without me taking the time to thank Katrina for giving me this little piece of the net to share my thoughts, I'd like to do so now (thanks, darlin).  I'd also like to express my appreciation for all of the wonderful friends I've made, for my Ho's and for the faithful readers who pop in every week to see what I've babbled about recently.  To walk down memory lane, I have vaulted through the Sage columns of yore to find some of my favorite moments to share with you.  You will find my updates [listed in red brackets] interspersed throughout.

Enjoy!  The original posting dates are given.


January 15, 2002
4:00pm

My precious readers!  For today’s column, you must pretend that Sage sounds like Barry White [God rest his ever lovin raspy soul *sniff*]instead of Barry Manilow.  Flow with me, Darlings, and feel the love all around.  Take a deep breath and exhale all of the madness, tension and worry of your insane little world.  Breathe in the healing energy of Sage.  Let me soak into your pores and caress your dermis with love.  Let me tingle into your bloodstream and flood your veins with the adoration of Sage!  Feel Sage souring in your soul!  Be one with Sage and let Sage be one with you!!!  Fly with me! 

Anyway, while you’re breathing in joy and breathing out negativity, allow me to make everything all better for you in ABC SoapLand, because you know: 

Sage knows what women want. 

Sage has lived with magnificent women his whole life, since he was a tiny, newborn Sage. 

Sage knows what women want.   

Sage’s entire career is built around women and what they really want. 

Sage’s very survival has depended on reading the minds of women, keeping a ton of sisters and a mama happy and knowing how to unlock the beauty in women through make-up and a new hairstyle.  I look into her eyes to her soul and seek out her inner magnificence, her Goddess-self and then I yank it out of her and splash it all over her face and hair for the world to see!  She simpers into my shop, hiding under a hat and wearing sloppy dungarees, a Winnie-the-Pooh T-shirt and a trench coat.  She leaves shouting, “Yes, Yes, YES!” to the world, glowing, wearing an evening gown and waving to the paparazzi who have gathered to honor her.  

Sage knows the mind of a woman. 

Sage knows what women want (have I mentioned this, Darlings?). 

Sage knows the needs of a woman.  

Sage is, well, SAGE!  How can you doubt me? 

Women are fabulous, beautiful, fascinating creatures, one and all.  Whether they are big and soft, strong and slender, cute and ditzy, handsome and wise, old and seasoned or young and blooming, it matters not at all.  Women are the light of my life and the most precious things on Earth.  ALL women are beautiful when you can find the button that illuminates them from the inside out.  Sage is the master of the console.  

Sage listens to women complain about what’s wrong with soaps, all day, every day basis and has done so for more than forty years.  I heard my mother complain about what was wrong with Secret Storm while still I swam in her uterine waters. 

Sage knows what women want and don’t want…from their soaps.  Mind you, I know what men want from their soaps as well (no irony there, eh?), but today, I am bowing to the majority and in soap land, the majority of the viewers are females, the femmes, the keepers of the wombs, the givers of life, the yin to life’s yang, the embracers of human emotion and the keepers of the keys to the kingdom!  

Darlings, ladies, do you think that because I was born with an outie instead of an innie that I am unable to speak for you?  Ha!  Oh ye of little faith!  As I said, Dear Ones, I’ve spent my entire life and career getting inside women’s heads and knowing what they want even before they do as I primped and plucked and preened them into their most amazing, gorgeous selves! 

Loveys, trust me, you’d kill to have me in your hair and in your face, in your heart and in your soul, brushing and blow-drying and shadowing and contouring!  I know what to shove into the dark and what to bring out into glorious light.  I know women and I can speak for women, so I am sending out the following to the ABC Soap Honchos who’d best appreciate my wisdom and listen up or they are going to face the consequences!  [Note:  When I say “we” below, I say it speaking for the “we” of women who watch the soaps, not like Sage is a woman or anything whacked out like that, but just to be the megaphone for all of those beautiful, sultry, pouting lips out there (Liner, darling!  It’s all about liner!)]  

So here we go: 

Women do not want reality on their soaps.  Do not tell these beautiful ladies “sometimes relationships don’t work out” or “life’s like that” and pretend it applies to a soap.  We have reality all around us.  If we wanted reality, we would not turn on the TV, we’d just look around.  Soaps are an escape from reality.  Don’t give us reality in our soaps.  Make it work out the way we want it to in the end.  Let this be a safe place to fall where we can be assured that true love prevails.  Assure us that we don’t have to mourn and suffer loss and betrayal like we do in real life.  The characters, yes, but not the viewer.  

Women want great villains.  We need villains that test our good guys and make them dig within themselves to pull up their strengths and demand more of themselves that they or we ever thought possible.  We want villains to put a face on evil rather than have it as some unknown enemy like in real life. 

Women want romance, romance, and romance.  We want courting and falling in love and stolen looks and hands brushing “accidentally” and a long build up to the climatic first kiss.  We want steamy passion and men who say dorky things to the women  and would fight to the ends of the earth to defend her honor, but not for a second doubt her own strength and capabilities.  

Women want at least one rock solid relationship on each show, a touchstone for the musical chair relationships that shuffle around them.  We need to know that there is one couple who we can depend on to stay together no matter how rough the going gets. 

Women want handsome men of all ages and colors and temperaments and body builds. 

Women want at least one man on each show that we can depend on to be in a towel or at least shirtless no less than once a week (now it’s Ryan, Troy and Jax).  [Now, it's only Cris Vega and he's leaving, which leaves us ABC skinless!!!!  Let's hope that Cam Mat doesn't return with a "no nipples" clause!]

Women don’t want the action isolated to the beautiful people and the young’uns.  We’d love to see the older people on the show involved in an interesting story.  Well, older people other than Viki and Erica.  Give us some veteran romance!  Give us some drama with the over 40 crowd!  THEY are actors as well, not mere supplies from the props room! 

Women don’t like to see older men that we lust after paired up with women who are younger than the cookie sheets in our kitchen cupboards.  Give us some romance between a man and a woman who are over 40.  Now an older woman who is swept off her feet by a younger man would be most refreshing (Dorian and “Joe” – ahhhhh).  

If you’re going to have a token gay person on the show, don’t pretend that they are celibate.  Go the distance and have a gay person who is in a relationship some time.  The closest we’ve seen is Elton feeling up Stavros’ muscles.  (Don’t lie and pretend that wasn’t fabulously interesting)  [This was pre-Bianca and Lena, obviously]

Women want wonderful musical montages every two weeks or so, but don’t overdo it and for Godsake, give us the name of the artist and song in the closing credits that day.  Is that so damned hard? 

Speaking of credits, women want the opening montages changed every year and any footage more than 2 years old must be removed.  We’d also like the departing cast members snipped from the montage within two weeks of the last airing with the exception of Stephen Nichols and Dr Hardy, who are to remain in the opening montage of GH indefinitely. 

Women want a healthy respect of the show’s history.  If it’s going to be rewritten, make it believable.  The return of Roy DiLucca and the Jessica-Natalie baby switch are prime examples of acceptable rewriting.  Laura abandoning her newborn baby to be with Luke or pretending (as they did for a while) that The Rape was actually consensual is an example of unacceptable rewriting.  Do NOT insult our intelligence or our memories.  We aren’t nearly as stupid as you think.  [Don't even get me started on the whole Rick Webber disaster]

Women don’t mind SORAS, but for crying out loud, if you are going to SORAS a kid, you have to SORAS all of the kids born that same year (Maxie and Lucas).  Keep it straight across the board.  Also, you may SORAS no more than 3 years up.  Anything else is ludicrous. 

Women do not want to see thirty-year-olds cast as teenagers.  

Women don’t mind kids being involved in a story.  We do not, however, want them to be the main focus of a story except for the occasional kid-in-trouble-for-drama or child custody battle OR if the kid is a good actor like Kristen Alderson (Starr Manning).   Kids we have (most of us).  Making kids the ongoing main focus (this includes teens, by the way) does NOT remove us from our reality sufficiently and is unacceptable.  Just because there are teens on the show does not mean there always has to be a teen subplot or main plot.  They can fade into the woodwork for a while and let the vets come out and play.  

Speaking of kids, women do not want more than one deceased (or diseased) child or dead baby per year, per show.  Period.  

Women always want Dr Larry or Jake Martin to be on duty in the E.R.  No exceptions.  [Add Dr Troy please!]

Women do not want the show’s writing dummied down to the level of the most stupid viewers in the audience.  Let the stupid people be encouraged to rise up to the intellectual level of the median audience rather than having to play everything out in “See Jane run” format.  Subtlety is golden at times.  Don’t pretend that we really believe Lindsay could change a pregnancy test with a Papermate stick pen or that Jen is brainless enough to believe it.   [I have since determined that Jen *is* brainless enough to believe it.  I still had a smidgen of hope back then.]

Women want and deserve quality acting on the soaps.  We understand that a certain degree of leeway is given to overacting and, as in Susan Lucci and Finola Hutchinson, can even be endearing.  We don’t need Robert Redford and Faye Dunaway, but we are tired of models that decide to be actors “favoring” their way into our shows to get their feet wet in acting.  If they are good, that’s fine with us.  We can break in new talent, no problem.  The operative word being “talent.”  We don’t’ mind showcasing young or new talent, but resent having to wait while they try and invoke talent into a rock with nice hair and a pretty body. 

Women want the recast of a character to be some way, some how, in touch with the actor who previously played the character.  Throwing in someone who looks and acts nothing like the actor they are replacing is just annoying and jarring.  

Women do not need a character’s personality shoved down our throats.  Let us make our own decisions and form our own opinions rather than freight training us with “Kristina is SO WISE AND NICE!  See how WISE and NICE she is?”  “Melissa is SWEET!  See how SWEET she is??”  

Women need to see strong women on soaps; women who we want to emulate and appreciate and admire.  We need to see women who can go through adversity, experience emotion and still behave with honor and wisdom, even when they don't really know what to do.  

Women want to remain intrigued and interested in the stories.  Don’t drag them out for so long that we no longer care about the outcome (like who is Matthew’s father?).  

Women like things nice and neat (that doesn’t mean WE like to keep things nice and neat, just that we like things to BE nice and neat).  Don’t leave strings hanging out untied and flopping around everywhere, like that stupid music box on GH or acting like we don’t freakin’ notice that Ryan and Duke are both Lavery’s or that Lesley still hasn’t called her husband.  Perfection is not required, but sloppiness is abhorred.  [Or that Joshua on PC is a dead ringer for Duke Lavery]

Women like humor and don’t ever forget it.  A good laugh is absolutely necessary.  Golden is the moment we saw a skeleton in the attic with a hat that said, “Bobby” on AMC.  If you're going to be sloppy, we can forgive it if you make us laugh about it. 

Women don’t want new characters shoved down our throats, dominating every scene and insinuating themselves into every story on the canvas.  Give us a chance to breathe and get used to new faces before expecting us to invest emotions into them. 

Above all, women, or make that soap viewers, want to be treated with respect and appreciation, not as though you are doing us a favor by airing a soap for us.  We are the ones that keep you alive and wealthy.  We are the ones who invest hours that turn into years into these shows and we are the ones who purchase the products that finance the shows.  Respect what we say and when we are telling you in teeming masses that something isn’t working, listen.  Don’t keep us in the dark about important decisions or play bait and switch with information.  See, what you forget a lot of the time is that we are a force to be reckoned with and if you screw with our emotions and with us long enough, we will screw with the little knob that makes the TV go black and the ratings go plummeting.    

So, um, how was that??

November 7, 2001
4:00pm

Many of you have asked about my dream list for GH honcho’s.  It goes a little something like this: 

Executive Producer:  Francesca James 

Head Writer:  Claire Labine 

Head Writer in charge of all dialogue:  Patrick Mulcahey 

ABC Soap Overseer, QA Monitor and Whipcracker:  Gloria Monty 

Cast Changes  (while we’re at it):  This one will only have the new info included.

More air time:  Everyone on the cast other than the blessed 8 or so

Back to school for acting refresher:  Gregg Vaughn... Needs to hear Faith Hill's song "Cry" about 47 times before he reacts (or doesn't) to hearing his best friend has cancer.

Wardrobe!!:  Carly in the Panic Room!  Good God and Kathie Lee!

Please locate and give a life:  Everyone on the cast other than the blessed 8 or so

Beg to come back:  Jonathan Jackson, Sarah Brown (as another character on the show), Tristan Rogers, Lisa Cerasoli, Amber Tamblyn, Tava Smiley, A Martinez, Robert Kelker Kelley, Constance Towers, Genie Francis, Chris Robinson (to FIX THAT RICK WEBBER MESS), Jessica Ferraron (before they get cemented into NuLydia)

Couples I'd endure (or not):

Nik and Emily - yes

Nik and Lydia - no

Nik and Gia - no

Zander and Gia - yes

Zander and Emily - yes, but he has to get mad at her for lying to him

Zander and Monica - yes

Cameron and Alexis - yes

Cameron and Skye - no

Skye and Ned - yes, but not for long

Ned and Alexis - yes

Alexis and Jax - Absolutely

Alexis and Stefan – icky, but yes

            (so call me a freak and get on with it, it’s my list)

Alexis and Sonny - no

Sonny and Carly - no (getting bored, sorry, and I enjoy seeing the actors work with other people)

Sonny and Jason - yes

Carly and Johnny - yes

Carly and Jason - yes

Jason and Courtney - no

Courtney and Johnny - yes

Courtney and AJ - yes

Courtney and Coleman - yes

Coleman and Skye - yes

Skye and AJ - no

AJ and Carly – yes

Carly and Cameron - yes

Cameron and Lesley - yes

Alan and Lesley - yes

Lesley and Mike - yes, if he's not as wretched

Bobbie and Mike - yes

Mike and Florence - yes

Luke and Laura – yes

Luke and Helena -yes

Luke and Alexis - yes

Lucky  and Lydia - yes, if it's old Lydia

Lucky and Liz – yes

Liz and Ric - no (don't see any Ric redemption on the horizon so he's stuck with Faith)

Liz and Jason - hells yes!

Stefan and Bobbie - yes

Bobbie and Tony - yes

Bobbie and Alcazar - yes

Skye and Alcazar - yes

Skye and Jax – Not without him relentlessly pursuing her for a LONG courtship as Brenda did him.

Skye and Sonny – Yeah, why not? 

*sigh*.  What a difference a set of clippers a decade or so makes.  I should know this better than anyone, being a hairdresser RETIRED and an old person.  I was surfing around for some info and found current pics of Christopher Douglas, who used to be Dylan Moody on OLTL and is now Brian O’Leary on Passions.  I knew him as the left shot; he’s now the guy on the right.  I should never have cut my hair.  Oh well.  When it was long, I looked a little too much like Kathleen Turner, anyway.  I’ll end this paragraph as I began it.  *sigh*

I'm also going to rerun this from last week so that if anyone wanted to get a Sage sticker or ten, they can:

As you know, there are a LOT of fan events coming up this summer and as you also know, I'm stuck here with Ma, feeding, tending and listening to her fuss!  Here is a way that you can take me with you to those events you're going to and let me live vicariously through you!  It's THE SAGE STICKER!!  I have a few things in my store, mostly because it's a pain in the ass to create things and my computer time is limited, not to mention that the stuff in the store has such a high base price that no one can really afford it.  This is cheap and fun!  If you click on the sticker to the left, you'll get to the page on my store that has them and they're only like $2.50 each.  You can stick me on your shirt (next to your warm pillows o' love - or, should you be a masculine sort , your pectoral rocks of Gibraltar) and I can say "Hello Darlings!" to everyone you meet!  The spycam set up in the cat's glasses will transmit to me all that you see and the cigarette holder is actually a microphone!!  That will let me hear as well!  It's like you're undercover for Sage!  (And the Captain Morgans that is burning nicely in my tummy tummy makes that just a lovely thought right now!)  OK, I made up the spycam microphone stuff, but who knows?  Maybe it's really there and I'm making up the making up part!  Just in case, be sure and talk into your boob from time to time and tell it that you love it!  I'll hear!

Additionally, I came across our old mailing group where we used to sign up for Update Notices.  We had to abandon it two years ago because it stopped delivering any of the messages, so I started screwing around with it and accidentally sent out a bogus message. If anyone still has the same address as 2 years ago and got a freak message, that was it.  Don't worry, it wasn't filthy filth or anything.   Sorry for the flub!

With that, I'm outta here until there's more to report.

Feelin' da love, Precious!