July 16, 2003
us stay around!---->
C'mon, you know you love us! Donate to EOS!
I have sent up a
guest book for her many fans to say good-bye to Jessica Ferrarone, the Real
Lydia Karenin on GH. I will pass your messages on to her as she leaves our show
and is replace out by a cookie cutter drone bee instead of the Queen that she
You guys know I'm not usually gushing Fan Boy, but let's face it, this gal was a
breath of fresh air into a very stale GH!!
Stop by and let her know you'll miss her!
July 14, 2003
us stay around!---->
C'mon, you know you love us! Donate to EOS!
OK, so I guess I CAN do clicky links on the updates
notices! Those foxy little minxes said, "NO HTML!" Those liarheads.
Hello My Darlings!!
to everyone who has contributed to Eye on Soaps this month! We are working
hard to stay on the net and greatly depend on your contributions to keep us
around and this site free of pop up ads. If you have not already done so
and would like to throw a few dollars our way, you may do so by clicking
on the PayPal logo or by going here for more options.
We had a major freak out this week when there was not enough money in the EOS
account to pay for the incoming monthly web hosting expenses, meaning that EOS
would be shut down for a while! So far, we're still around, and with your
help, we'll stay that way. If you enjoy what we do here at EOS, please
consider chipping in to keep us around. Every little bit definitely
helps each month.
This week, the gossip is at an all time low, but I will keep you posted as
more appears through the week.
I do have just a couple of tidbits before moving on to other things:
Kate, my beautiful cynical goddess, is all aflutter that Alfred Vanderpool,
again played by Bill Timoney, will be showing up in Pine Valley briefly on July
The teens are being trimmed back a bit. Michael Alberti (Jamie),
Amanda Seyfried (Joni) and Ivan Shaw (Henry) have all been released from their
roles. I heard that Jonie is being shipped off to boarding school by her
parents (rumor only) and that both Jamie and JR will be returning SORAS'd yet
again. They will be older than their dads before long.
...brings a 35th anniversary show to the screen on Wednesday, July 16th.
Clint will be back and there will be a great deal of old footage shown.
The show will center around preparations for Cris and Natalie's wedding.
Since David Fumero (Cris) is still slated to leave OLTL this summer and Melissa
Archer (Natalie) is not, I'm not looking at a good chance of happy nuptials for
these two. There are rumors of Cris getting a bite for an art project in
NY, so perhaps he'll just be shipped off to (the attic) the Big Apple to explore
his career ambiguously.
Pfft. I got nothing EXCEPT that my #1 cohort, Coggie, did a bitchin'
interview with one of my personal favorite actors, Loren Freeman (Elton
With that little smidgen of info out of the way, I of course wanted to
offer what would hopefully be some meager form of entertainment. Since my
2nd anniversary with Eye on Soaps came and went on June 1st without me taking
the time to thank Katrina for giving me this little piece of the net to share my
thoughts, I'd like to do so now (thanks, darlin). I'd also like to express
my appreciation for all of the wonderful friends I've made, for my Ho's and for
the faithful readers who pop in every week to see what I've babbled about
recently. To walk down memory lane, I have vaulted through the Sage
columns of yore to find some of my favorite moments to share with you. You
will find my updates [listed in red brackets]
Enjoy! The original posting dates are given.
January 15, 2002
My precious readers! For today’s column, you must
pretend that Sage sounds like Barry White [God rest his
ever lovin raspy soul *sniff*]instead of Barry Manilow. Flow with me,
Darlings, and feel the love all around. Take a deep breath and exhale all of
the madness, tension and worry of your insane little world. Breathe in the
healing energy of Sage. Let me soak into your pores and caress your dermis with
love. Let me tingle into your bloodstream and flood your veins with the
adoration of Sage! Feel Sage souring in your soul! Be one with Sage and let
Sage be one with you!!! Fly with me!
Anyway, while you’re breathing in joy and breathing out
negativity, allow me to make everything all better for you in ABC SoapLand,
because you know:
Sage knows what women want.
Sage has lived with magnificent women his whole life,
since he was a tiny, newborn Sage.
Sage knows what women want.
Sage’s entire career is built around women and what they
Sage’s very survival has depended on reading the minds
of women, keeping a ton of sisters and a mama happy and knowing how to unlock
the beauty in women through make-up and a new hairstyle. I look into her eyes
to her soul and seek out her inner magnificence, her Goddess-self and then I
yank it out of her and splash it all over her face and hair for the world to
see! She simpers into my shop, hiding under a hat and wearing sloppy dungarees,
a Winnie-the-Pooh T-shirt and a trench coat. She leaves shouting, “Yes, Yes,
YES!” to the world, glowing, wearing an evening gown and waving to the paparazzi
who have gathered to honor her.
Sage knows the mind of a woman.
Sage knows what women want (have I mentioned this,
Sage knows the needs of a woman.
Sage is, well, SAGE! How can you doubt me?
Women are fabulous, beautiful, fascinating creatures,
one and all. Whether they are big and soft, strong and slender, cute and ditzy,
handsome and wise, old and seasoned or young and blooming, it matters not at
all. Women are the light of my life and the most precious things on Earth. ALL
women are beautiful when you can find the button that illuminates them from the
inside out. Sage is the master of the console.
Sage listens to women complain about what’s wrong with
soaps, all day, every day basis and has done so for more than forty years. I
heard my mother complain about what was wrong with Secret Storm while still I
swam in her uterine waters.
Sage knows what women want and don’t want…from their
soaps. Mind you, I know what men want from their soaps as well (no irony there,
eh?), but today, I am bowing to the majority and in soap land, the majority of
the viewers are females, the femmes, the keepers of the wombs, the givers of
life, the yin to life’s yang, the embracers of human emotion and the keepers of
the keys to the kingdom!
Darlings, ladies, do you think that because I was born
with an outie instead of an innie that I am unable to speak for you? Ha! Oh ye
of little faith! As I said, Dear Ones, I’ve spent my entire life and career
getting inside women’s heads and knowing what they want even before they do as I
primped and plucked and preened them into their most amazing, gorgeous selves!
Loveys, trust me, you’d kill to have me in your hair
and in your face, in your heart and in your soul, brushing and blow-drying and
shadowing and contouring! I know what to shove into the dark and what to bring
out into glorious light. I know women and I can speak for women, so I am
sending out the following to the ABC Soap Honchos who’d best appreciate my
wisdom and listen up or they are going to face the consequences! [Note: When I
say “we” below, I say it speaking for the “we” of women who watch the soaps, not
like Sage is a woman or anything whacked out like that, but just to be the
megaphone for all of those beautiful, sultry, pouting lips out there (Liner,
darling! It’s all about liner!)]
So here we go:
Women do not want reality on their soaps. Do not tell
these beautiful ladies “sometimes relationships don’t work out” or “life’s like
that” and pretend it applies to a soap. We have reality all around us. If we
wanted reality, we would not turn on the TV, we’d just look around. Soaps are
an escape from reality. Don’t give us reality in our soaps. Make it work out
the way we want it to in the end. Let this be a safe place to fall where we can
be assured that true love prevails. Assure us that we don’t have to mourn and
suffer loss and betrayal like we do in real life. The characters, yes, but not
Women want great villains. We need villains that test
our good guys and make them dig within themselves to pull up their strengths and
demand more of themselves that they or we ever thought possible. We want
villains to put a face on evil rather than have it as some unknown enemy like in
Women want romance, romance, and romance. We want
courting and falling in love and stolen looks and hands brushing “accidentally”
and a long build up to the climatic first kiss. We want steamy passion and men
who say dorky things to the women and would fight to the ends of the earth to
defend her honor, but not for a second doubt her own strength and
Women want at least one rock solid relationship on
each show, a touchstone for the musical chair relationships that shuffle around
them. We need to know that there is one couple who we can depend on to stay
together no matter how rough the going gets.
Women want handsome men of all ages and colors and
temperaments and body builds.
Women want at least one man on each show that we can
depend on to be in a towel or at least shirtless no less than once a week (now
it’s Ryan, Troy and Jax).
[Now, it's only Cris Vega
and he's leaving, which leaves us ABC skinless!!!! Let's hope that Cam Mat
doesn't return with a "no nipples" clause!]
Women don’t want the action isolated to the beautiful
people and the young’uns. We’d love to see the older people on the show
involved in an interesting story. Well, older people other than Viki and
Erica. Give us some veteran romance! Give us some drama with the over 40
crowd! THEY are actors as well, not mere supplies from the props room!
don’t like to see older men that we lust after paired up with women who are
younger than the cookie sheets in our kitchen cupboards. Give us some romance
between a man and a woman who are over 40. Now an older woman who is
swept off her feet by a younger man would be most refreshing (Dorian and “Joe” –
If you’re going to have a token gay person on the
show, don’t pretend that they are celibate. Go the distance and have a gay
person who is in a relationship some time. The closest we’ve seen is Elton
feeling up Stavros’ muscles. (Don’t lie and pretend that wasn’t fabulously
[This was pre-Bianca and Lena,
Women want wonderful musical montages every two weeks
or so, but don’t overdo it and for Godsake, give us the name of the artist and
song in the closing credits that day. Is that so damned hard?
Speaking of credits, women want the opening montages
changed every year and any footage more than 2 years old must be removed. We’d
also like the departing cast members snipped from the montage within two weeks
of the last airing with the exception of Stephen Nichols and Dr Hardy, who are
to remain in the opening montage of GH indefinitely.
Women want a healthy respect of the show’s history.
If it’s going to be rewritten, make it believable. The return of Roy DiLucca
and the Jessica-Natalie baby switch are prime examples of acceptable rewriting.
Laura abandoning her newborn baby to be with Luke or pretending (as they did for
a while) that The Rape was actually consensual is an example of unacceptable
rewriting. Do NOT insult our intelligence or our memories. We aren’t nearly as
stupid as you think.
[Don't even get me started on
the whole Rick Webber disaster]
Women don’t mind SORAS, but for crying out loud, if
you are going to SORAS a kid, you have to SORAS all of the kids born that same
year (Maxie and Lucas). Keep it straight across the board. Also, you may SORAS
no more than 3 years up. Anything else is ludicrous.
Women do not want to see thirty-year-olds cast as
Women don’t mind kids being involved in a story. We
do not, however, want them to be the main focus of a story except for the
occasional kid-in-trouble-for-drama or child custody battle OR if the kid is a
good actor like Kristen Alderson (Starr Manning). Kids we have (most of us).
Making kids the ongoing main focus (this includes teens, by the way) does NOT
remove us from our reality sufficiently and is unacceptable. Just because there
are teens on the show does not mean there always has to be a teen subplot or
main plot. They can fade into the woodwork for a while and let the vets come
out and play.
Speaking of kids, women do not want more than one
deceased (or diseased) child or dead baby per year, per show. Period.
Women always want Dr Larry or Jake Martin to be on
duty in the E.R. No exceptions.
[Add Dr Troy
Women do not want the show’s writing dummied down to
the level of the most stupid viewers in the audience. Let the stupid people be
encouraged to rise up to the intellectual level of the median audience rather
than having to play everything out in “See Jane run” format. Subtlety is golden
at times. Don’t pretend that we really believe Lindsay could change a pregnancy
test with a Papermate stick pen or that Jen is brainless enough to believe it.
[I have since determined that Jen *is* brainless enough to
believe it. I still had a smidgen of hope back then.]
Women want and deserve quality acting on the soaps.
We understand that a certain degree of leeway is given to overacting and, as in
Susan Lucci and Finola Hutchinson, can even be endearing. We don’t need Robert
Redford and Faye Dunaway, but we are tired of models that decide to be actors
“favoring” their way into our shows to get their feet wet in acting. If they
are good, that’s fine with us. We can break in new talent, no problem. The
operative word being “talent.” We don’t’ mind showcasing young or new talent,
but resent having to wait while they try and invoke talent into a rock with nice
hair and a pretty body.
Women want the recast of a character to be some way,
some how, in touch with the actor who previously played the character. Throwing
in someone who looks and acts nothing like the actor they are replacing is just
annoying and jarring.
Women do not need a character’s personality shoved
down our throats. Let us make our own decisions and form our own opinions
rather than freight training us with “Kristina is SO WISE AND NICE! See how
WISE and NICE she is?” “Melissa is SWEET! See how SWEET she is??”
Women need to see strong women on soaps; women who we
want to emulate and appreciate and admire. We need to see women who can go
through adversity, experience emotion and still behave with honor and wisdom,
even when they don't really know what to do.
Women want to remain intrigued and interested in the
stories. Don’t drag them out for so long that we no longer care about the
outcome (like who is Matthew’s father?).
Women like things nice and neat (that doesn’t mean WE
like to keep things nice and neat, just that we like things to BE nice and
neat). Don’t leave strings hanging out untied and flopping around everywhere,
like that stupid music box on GH or acting like we don’t freakin’ notice that
Ryan and Duke are both Lavery’s or that Lesley still hasn’t called her husband.
Perfection is not required, but sloppiness is abhorred.
[Or that Joshua on PC is a dead ringer for Duke Lavery]
Women like humor and don’t ever forget it. A good
laugh is absolutely necessary. Golden is the moment we saw a skeleton in the
attic with a hat that said, “Bobby” on AMC. If you're going to be sloppy, we
can forgive it if you make us laugh about it.
Women don’t want new characters shoved down our
throats, dominating every scene and insinuating themselves into every story on
the canvas. Give us a chance to breathe and get used to new faces before
expecting us to invest emotions into them.
Above all, women, or make that soap viewers, want to
be treated with respect and appreciation, not as though you are doing us a favor
by airing a soap for us. We are the ones that keep you alive and wealthy. We
are the ones who invest hours that turn into years into these shows and we are
the ones who purchase the products that finance the shows. Respect what we say
and when we are telling you in teeming masses that something isn’t working,
listen. Don’t keep us in the dark about important decisions or play bait and
switch with information. See, what you forget a lot of the time is that we are
a force to be reckoned with and if you screw with our emotions and with us long
enough, we will screw with the little knob that makes the TV go black and the
ratings go plummeting.
So, um, how was that??
November 7, 2001
Many of you have asked about my dream list for GH
honcho’s. It goes a little something like this:
Executive Producer: Francesca James
Head Writer: Claire Labine
Head Writer in charge of all dialogue: Patrick
ABC Soap Overseer, QA Monitor and Whipcracker:
Cast Changes (while we’re at it):
This one will only have the new info included.
More air time:
Everyone on the cast other than the blessed 8 or so
Back to school for acting refresher:
Gregg Vaughn... Needs to hear Faith Hill's song "Cry"
about 47 times before he reacts (or doesn't) to hearing his best friend has
in the Panic Room! Good God and Kathie Lee!
Please locate and give a life:
Everyone on the cast other than the blessed 8 or so
Beg to come back: Jonathan
Jackson, Sarah Brown (as another character on the show), Tristan Rogers, Lisa
Cerasoli, Amber Tamblyn, Tava Smiley, A Martinez, Robert Kelker Kelley,
Constance Towers, Genie Francis, Chris Robinson (to FIX THAT RICK WEBBER MESS),
Ferraron (before they get cemented into NuLydia)
Couples I'd endure (or not):
Nik and Emily - yes
Nik and Lydia - no
Nik and Gia - no
Zander and Gia - yes
Zander and Emily - yes, but he has
to get mad at her for lying to him
Zander and Monica - yes
Cameron and Alexis - yes
Cameron and Skye - no
Skye and Ned - yes, but not for
Ned and Alexis - yes
Alexis and Jax - Absolutely
Alexis and Stefan – icky, but yes
(so call me a freak
and get on with it, it’s my list)
Alexis and Sonny - no
Sonny and Carly - no (getting
bored, sorry, and I enjoy seeing the actors work with other people)
Sonny and Jason - yes
Carly and Johnny - yes
Carly and Jason - yes
Jason and Courtney - no
Courtney and Johnny - yes
Courtney and AJ - yes
Courtney and Coleman - yes
Coleman and Skye - yes
Skye and AJ - no
AJ and Carly – yes
Carly and Cameron - yes
Cameron and Lesley - yes
Alan and Lesley - yes
Lesley and Mike - yes, if he's not
Bobbie and Mike - yes
Mike and Florence - yes
Luke and Laura – yes
Luke and Helena -yes
Luke and Alexis - yes
Lucky and Lydia - yes, if
it's old Lydia
Lucky and Liz – yes
Liz and Ric - no (don't see any
Ric redemption on the horizon so he's stuck with Faith)
Liz and Jason - hells yes!
Stefan and Bobbie - yes
Bobbie and Tony - yes
Bobbie and Alcazar - yes
Skye and Alcazar - yes
Skye and Jax – Not without him
relentlessly pursuing her for a LONG courtship as Brenda did him.
Skye and Sonny – Yeah, why not?
|May 25, 2002
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