May 26, 2003
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Sleeping With the
It's been a long assed friggin damned week and although today was pretty
cuddly, overall, it's sucked. The thing is, I love you people and for that
reason, Captain Morgan (that'd be Captain Jason Morgan for those not on a first
name basis with his lordship) and I have crawled out of the hot tub where I sat
under the stars enjoying the temperate California breeze, the hot bubbles and
jets that hit all the happy places and inhaling the finest hybrid of Humboldt
County, California... um... incense ever grown to crank out yet another
fascinating column of Sage's drunken ramblings about soaps and life and crap
First, I find it essential to start offending people immediately, so I
shall morph into my alter ego, Andrew Dice Sage:
Yo people, listen up. I know you have tings you wants t'know, so I
am here to impart my wisdom upon you, OH!
So what is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover, my friends??
The position of the dirtbag, OH!
Why does divorce cost so much? BECAUSE IT'S WORTH IT, I tell ya!
Why is sex like air? Cause it don't mean nothing to you unless you
ain't gettin any, HO!
What's da difference between a girlfriend and a wife? 45 POUNDS,
Ouch! Dat hurt me!
But Andrew Dice Sage ain't nuthin if he ain't an equal opportunity
offender, so let's ask, what's da difference between a boyfriend and a husband,
yo? 45 MINUTES! You're killin me.
What's da fastest way to a man's heart, I ask ya? I know some of you
ladies know this one. It's through his friggin chest with a nice serrated
steak knife! OH!
Why can't women ever find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
Cause men like dat already HAVE boyfriends!
What's da difference between a BMW and a porcupine? With a
porcupine, the pricks are on da OUTSIDE.
Why don't men ever look women in da eyes? Because boobs don't have
How do you get a sweet little old lady to say da "F" word? Get
another sweet little old lady to say "Bingo." I know dat's right.
Lastly, how can you tell if a man is lying? Check and see if his
lips are moving and words are coming out, OH!
Thank you very much. I'll be here all week. And the week after
that and the week after that.
I spent the day with Katrina for the most part. Since Mom has been
flaking out so much, the gals got Kye to give me a day's break once a week and
usually I spend that day doing site work and trying to weed through my huge
mountain of e-mails and collect my thoughts and things like that, but this week,
Katrina and I had some business to discuss about the site and all, so I drove up
and spent a few hours with her and the fam. [Dammit. I just dropped a
frickin corn chip in my danged drink.] Anyway, we decided to go check out
this new pool that the community center in her neighborhood opened up and since
she has a normal sized car and a huge family, we took both vehicles. One
of her little kiddos rode with me and about halfway there, this little beast
hauls off and WHACKS THE CRAP OUTTA MY ARM and yells, "SLUG BUG!!!!" and
starts screeching like a ninny. I beat the little monster down and was
like, "WHAT? Why'd you hit me, spud?" and she was all like, "there was a
bug and when you see a bug you punch the person and say 'slug bug'." I was
like, "That's a stupid thing to do. How can you see a bug from inside a
car?" and she was all like, "Not an insect, dork, a Volkswagen bug" and I was
like "A VW bug lets you physically assault a person, like when did that happen?"
and she's all like "I don't know. That's just how it is" and I was like "Pfft,
bulllllshit, munchkin, you keep your little punch paws on your side of the seat
or you'll be walking and talkin outside this car as I drive away" and she didn't
say anything and I thought about it for a while and then I asked, "So do the new
bugs count?" and she says, "They're good for 2 punches" and I was like, "Well,
you'd better not do that either, frickin Little Lavender Holyfield, you got it?"
and she said she got it and I was like, "Pfft, yeah right you got it" and then
we got to the pool and I helped her get out of the car because she was pretty
sore from her beatin and I hauled her little bruised self over to Katrina and
told her what happened and Katrina was like, "What about VW buses?" and well,
little Missy just didn't have an answer for that.
So it didn't really happen like that. Delena popped me on the arm
and I told her not to any more and she was cool and apologized and told me about
this Slug Bug game and I'm here thinking man, kids these days are in serious
need of some license plate bingo or something. Evidently, there's
this whole host of rules about "Slug Bug no returns" and some stuff and it was
making my head spin, so I just did some swimming and laid around the pool
getting a pretty sharp tan if I say so myself. Then we went back to the
house and Eric went to a business meeting and Katrina and I talked about the
site and things we want to do with it and talked about issues and crap going on,
then Eric came back and was ready to grill, so I figured I'd better head out
since I wasn't really in a carnivorous mood and was just looking for some salad
and such. Got home and picked up Mom from Kye and listened to her rant
about being passed off like she had babysitters and I said, "You're an only
child, how can you have 'baby sisters?'" just to piss her off and short circuit
her mental mother board for a while so she told me not to be a wise ass and
started fussing some more. *sigh* I made a nice big salad for dinner
and poured some wine (guaranteed to make Mom sleep like a baby) and we actually
had a nice visit and she drifted off around 9pm. That was my cue to crank
up the hot tub and crawl in with the incense and the rum and start some rapid
detox. Then, well, here I am. My day, by Sage Bourland.
Crap. I forgot the cat. Just a second.
OK, that's better.
Nope, no artwork from the great cat masters this week. Sage can't be
trusted near the Paint Shop Pro tonight or there's no telling what might come
out of there. In fact, there's no telling what might come out of this
column because really, it's just getting started.
Well, I guess you folks really wanted to talk about some soaps or
something tonight, so I expect I should get onto that and of course, we should
start out with the only soap anyone ever really talks about, GH.
Let's just delve right in and start with the obvious choice of
conversation, the beautiful Cynthia Preston. God, I love her. She's
way too gorgeous for words and she's one of those women that you know looks
really, really hot without the foxy model make-up. I was cheering louder
than anyone when, a few weeks into her GH tenure, she dumped the wacky eyebrows
and started really going for it with Ned. In fact, I'm betting it was Ned
who clued her in about the eyebrows.
This little woman has inadvertently (or vertently, hell, I don't know)
caused me a whole passel of grief lately without even trying. I'll refresh
those who aren't familiar with this and bore those of you who are.
About 2 weeks ago, I got a call (like they called me, I didn't even bug
them) from one of my most trusted and beloved and long term sources on
the set of GH who told me that (this is not intended to be blind itemy, but
informy) there had been a big drama on the set regarding Cynthia Preston and
someone said they didn't want to work with her and it looked like she was going
to be let go. This was the whole tidbit I got and since A) I couldn't get
it confirmed by any other source and B) it sounded like something that might
blow over, I didn't report it. Then I was talking to another friend of
mine who had been on the set who doesn't know I'm in contact with the first
person (I'm sure other columnists can tell you how totally cloak and dagger
these sources are) and SHE said, "Hey, did you hear what happened with Cynthia
Preston?" My ears perked up and this person said, "Yeah, I guess someone
has an issue with working with her for some reason and she's being recast ASAP."
So there it was again. Then I go to the Wub Queen (remind me to tell you
something about The Wub Queen in a minute when I'm done with this) and see she's
alluding to it. WTF? Then I hear that Soapboy is talking about CP
being fired, so I'm thinking, "Pfft, OK, that's like FOUR sources, how much more
do I need to hear?" So I figure I'm doing my job by reporting it to you
guys and good GOD it was like I'd said the pope was gay or something. The
floodgates opened and people started beating me like a freakin' redheaded
stepchild (dang, sorry Michael) and I'm like, "OK, dood, OK get OFF me already."
The whole Cynthia Preston worshipping community opened their mouths and bees and
hornets and pit bulls and black widows poured out with my name on their
afflicting members. So I'm like, "DAMN!" and I dialed up the first person
so fast I called a Chinese restaurant and an old woman in the 818 area code
before I got my source and said, "Listen, I'm taking the beating of a lifetime
on this rumor, you'd better be right." They assured me that they had
personally heard a person of influence PROMISE that Cynthia Preston would be
gone and when I said, "That had better be true because EVERYONE is saying she's
flat out denying it" the Source said it was altogether possible that she
didn't even know the drama had happened and so I just decided to back off of it.
Hell, now I don't know WHAT's going on. I know I got solid info from
two unrelated sources who had nothing to gain by lying and had always been
trustworthy in the past. I know I reported it and I'm STILL picking the
shit out of my fur from the storm that ensued. I know that as of last
week, witnesses verify she was still working onset and still using her dressing
room. I know that everyone who loves CP with the passion only a fan
frequenting the OFFICIAL WEBSITE of an actor can muster up hates my guts.
I know that this whole deal has jaded and stressed me to the point that an hour
ago, I was soaking in a boiling tub, contemplating my options for handling this,
everything from full disclosure to not saying anything and ignoring the whole
thing to getting in my car, driving to LA and firing
the bitch myself to save face. I chose the first option because A) I'm low
on gas and B) I doubt my firings mean much at GH and C) Although I've heard
conflicting reports, something tells me she's really not a bitch and doesn't
deserve to be fired because some actor (maybe, maybe not) got his boxers in a
bind about whatever and tried to throw his nonweight around and she definitely
doesn't deserve to be fired or called a bitch because some little queen reported
what he thought was true and then took a few cyber beatings for it. God,
is that even a sentence? Or four? So I opted to sing a few bars of
"I Gotta Be Me" and just pour it all out to you guys and give you a blanket, "Pfft,
I dunno." Part of me says this was something that came up, then was
smoothed over, possibly before she even knew about it, shoved under that oh so
deep carpet (which must cover a black hole) that everything that happens on the
GH set gets swept under or that it isn't as smoothed over as we thought and the
NEXT thing I heard is true, that recast attempts had failed and the story was being
continued until she could be written off was Plan B or that... wow. I
can't remember what the next thing was. Oh yeah, the next thing was that
my reliable source has developed a raging crack habit and hallucinated it all or
something. Regardless, I dunno and I love what I do enough to continue to
report what I hear and take the hits for it and hope for the best. It's
what I do.
So do I dare even go on or are people out there with their fingers poised
over their keyboards expectantly and their shit catapults on maximum thrust,
filled to capacity? What am I saying? Of course they are. They
were there when I wrote my first column and they'll be there when they pry my
mouse and keyboard from my cold, dead fingers. Thankfully, they aren't the
ones that matter. You folks know who you are my darlings. So here we
The hallowed date is June 2,
2003. He'll be on for the last few minutes of clincher and then into the
next day, going head to head with Luke from the get go. Where is Laura?
She's been moved and Luke can't find her? Who's got her? Who's been
pulling the strings on her care? Who was behind Nikolas getting power of
attorney over her care? Who is behind the regaining of the lost Cassadine
fortune? Who is going to be behind the removal of Summer from the
picture??? Who lays the blame for Laura's mental condition squarely at
the feet of Luke Spencer? No one but St Nichols, from what I hear!
AJ pays Janine to show up at Courtney's shower drunk, but Sonny ends up
being the one to intervene.
Mac forces Kyle to cancel his prom date with Maxie.
Elizabeth quits Kelly's and Summer takes over the apron and the coffee
Skye learns Dobson's true identity and she and AJ work to set up the
Emily pretends to be with Nikolas to push Zander further away but he ain't
to be pushed.
The Sonny hour is balanced out by heavier Luke and Lucky and Dobson and
Sonny comes back on Elizabeth about Ric's behavior.
Maxie and Dillon set up Georgie.
Ric tries to leave the Sonny revenge alone.
Sonny gets Faith to heat up the battle with Ric again.
Nikolas defends Emily to Stefan.
Scott tries to set up Jason and Sonny.
Jason and Sonny learn that there is still an Alcazar around.
Ric begins to take things that belong to the unborn Corinthos.
Monica wants to help Zander, but holds fast to her promise to Emily.
Sonny ends up getting beat down by NuAlcazar's drug guys. They take a
picture of him all broken up and send it to Carly, which causes her to go into
early labor (there's some medical accuracy for you). Jason is quick to
blame the abduction on Ric and attacks him in front of Liz.
Carly has some questions for Faith,
Sonny and Jason close in on Alcazar.
Ric decides to take Sonny and Carly's baby to replace the one he and
Elizabeth lost. He kidnaps Carly and holds her captive in a secret room in
a house he and Liz have purchased. So how are they going to redeem him
from this one?
I have not been able to verify any of the rumors about Jacklyn Zeman being
let go or written out of scenes. I've made contact with three people so
far and they all say it sounds like nothing more than rumors and that we should
be seeing about as much of her as we always do, including a guest shot during
Carly's early labor scare.
Tracy Q's back on June 9th. Yayyy.
On the rumored Brenda recast or VM return? I'm getting conflicted
reports. Some say she's being sought after and if she doesn't come back,
there will be a recast and others are saying that this is just more of the same
rumors that always show up about 5 minutes after VM leaves GH. Yawn.
more on the Wub Queen like I promised. Look at what she sent me that I
picked up from Katrina's today! It's an absolutely beautiful little metal
plaque that says "Sage" on it and has an awesome hand painted picture of Sage!
*sigh* I knew after our meeting in Chicago, she wouldn't be able to ever
get enough of me. If she keeps wooing me like this, I might actually have
to switch teams and start batting for the New England Wubs, IF you catch my
drift (winky winky).
Moving right along to those other shows we also watch that while they do
not have the plethora of information released, do have a notch or two of gossipy
gossip for us to banter around the table a bit.
Talk about red herrings! First, I hear that Cameron Mathison is
thisclose to re-signing with AMC and I almost lost consciousness as all the
blood plummeted out of my head for regions generally further south. THEN I
was all at once staring straight down at a casting call from AMC that was
OBVIOUSLY for Ryan (character named, - duh - "Ryan," sexy, handsome leading
man), so WTF? Is this a leverage casting call as with Stephan Nichols
where they put out the line, then draw it back if he signs? Does it
guarantee that one way or another, we ARE getting a Ryan? Lord, I hope so.
We are in serious beefcake deficit in da Valley.
Of course, the rumors are really hot that Boyd is going to be turned into
a bad guy and will rape Bianca, which I find hard to believe, but the rumble is
turning into a roar. Still others believe the rape comes from the likely
source of Michael Cambias as a way to get back at Erica.
Supposedly, John Callahan let it slip at a fan luncheon that Leora will
die as a result of the surgery and kabang, there go the Haywards as David turns
into Mr Blaming Vengeance wreaking havoc and Joe has to have him forcibly
removed from the OR even.
There is an ever-growing rumble also of a Michael Nader return.
I've also heard (RUMOR, RUMOR, RUMOR - DUCKING, CRINGING, SHIELDING) that
Lauri (for those who missed it, that's JR's ex-girlfriend and the object of
Jamie's affections - talk about a story being dropped like a stone), Henry
and Maggie are all being dropped.
Another unlikely rumor is that ABC had been told to lose one of its
daytime dramas and AMC is in the crosshairs! Yikes!
Lastly, fans are quickly mobilizing at the rumor of Roscoe Born being let
go as Mitch Laurence (we know Mitch is found dead on the docks AFTER being
convicted of killing an associate AND that a major whodunnit ensues).
Since writers are always able to write a character back in even after they're
dead, anything is possible. I'd love to see him stay.
Gina Tognoni is starting to weaken from what I've heard and may well be
returning as Kelly and if not, Kelly gets a recast.
Nu Kevin has been cast in the form of Dan Gautier, who is indeed as hottie
as promised. You can check out both him and his information here:
Rumors of Jimmy DePaiva leaving appear to be false and in fact, I'm
hearing of a huge Max story coming up, hopefully with Roxy.
Matthew Twinning is the new River Carpenter and will be showing up in
The casting of any more Roberts' folk (CJ and Tina) has been put off for a
while. Supposedly, Flash is Sarah, but she's going to be kissing Joey this
week, so, ew. Cousins, please keep your tongues OFF one another, which is
a sad thing for me to even have to ask.
And that about wraps it up for this week. Ol' Sage is going to have
to go hit the pillow before his head hits the keyboard and he wakes up with the
alphabet printed backwards on his forehead.
Peace be witcha.
All my love,
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