Sleeping With the Captain, Baby

It's been a long assed friggin damned week and although today was pretty cuddly, overall, it's sucked.  The thing is, I love you people and for that reason, Captain Morgan (that'd be Captain Jason Morgan for those not on a first name basis with his lordship) and I have crawled out of the hot tub where I sat under the stars enjoying the temperate California breeze, the hot bubbles and jets that hit all the happy places and inhaling the finest hybrid of Humboldt County, California... um... incense ever grown to crank out yet another fascinating column of Sage's drunken ramblings about soaps and life and crap like that.

First, I find it essential to start offending people immediately, so I shall morph into my alter ego, Andrew Dice Sage:

Yo people, listen up.  I know you have tings you wants t'know, so I am here to impart my wisdom upon you, OH!

So what is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover, my friends??  The position of the dirtbag, OH!

Why does divorce cost so much?  BECAUSE IT'S WORTH IT, I tell ya!

Why is sex like air?  Cause it don't mean nothing to you unless you ain't gettin any, HO!

What's da difference between a girlfriend and a wife?  45 POUNDS, Ouch!  Dat hurt me!

But Andrew Dice Sage ain't nuthin if he ain't an equal opportunity offender, so let's ask, what's da difference between a boyfriend and a husband, yo?  45 MINUTES!  You're killin me.

What's da fastest way to a man's heart, I ask ya?  I know some of you ladies know this one.  It's through his friggin chest with a nice serrated steak knife! OH!

Why can't women ever find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?  Cause men like dat already HAVE boyfriends!

What's da difference between a BMW and a porcupine?  With a porcupine, the pricks are on da OUTSIDE.

Why don't men ever look women in da eyes?  Because boobs don't have eyes!

How do you get a sweet little old lady to say da "F" word?  Get another sweet little old lady to say "Bingo."  I know dat's right.

Lastly, how can you tell if a man is lying?  Check and see if his lips are moving and words are coming out, OH!

Thank you very much.  I'll be here all week.  And the week after that and the week after that.

***

I spent the day with Katrina for the most part.  Since Mom has been flaking out so much, the gals got Kye to give me a day's break once a week and usually I spend that day doing site work and trying to weed through my huge mountain of e-mails and collect my thoughts and things like that, but this week, Katrina and I had some business to discuss about the site and all, so I drove up and spent a few hours with her and the fam.  [Dammit. I just dropped a frickin corn chip in my danged drink.]  Anyway, we decided to go check out this new pool that the community center in her neighborhood opened up and since she has a normal sized car and a huge family, we took both vehicles.  One of her little kiddos rode with me and about halfway there, this little beast hauls off and WHACKS THE CRAP OUTTA MY ARM and yells, "SLUG BUG!!!!" and starts screeching like a ninny.  I beat the little monster down and was like, "WHAT?  Why'd you hit me, spud?" and she was all like, "there was a bug and when you see a bug you punch the person and say 'slug bug'."  I was like, "That's a stupid thing to do.  How can you see a bug from inside a car?" and she was all like, "Not an insect, dork, a Volkswagen bug" and I was like "A VW bug lets you physically assault a person, like when did that happen?" and she's all like "I don't know. That's just how it is" and I was like "Pfft, bulllllshit, munchkin, you keep your little punch paws on your side of the seat or you'll be walking and talkin outside this car as I drive away" and she didn't say anything and I thought about it for a while and then I asked, "So do the new bugs count?" and she says, "They're good for 2 punches" and I was like, "Well, you'd better not do that either, frickin Little Lavender Holyfield, you got it?" and she said she got it and I was like, "Pfft, yeah right you got it" and then we got to the pool and I helped her get out of the car because she was pretty sore from her beatin and I hauled her little bruised self over to Katrina and told her what happened and Katrina was like, "What about VW buses?" and well, little Missy just didn't have an answer for that.

So it didn't really happen like that.  Delena popped me on the arm and I told her not to any more and she was cool and apologized and told me about this Slug Bug game and I'm here thinking man, kids these days are in serious need of some license plate bingo or something.   Evidently, there's this whole host of rules about "Slug Bug no returns" and some stuff and it was making my head spin, so I just did some swimming and laid around the pool getting a pretty sharp tan if I say so myself.  Then we went back to the house and Eric went to a business meeting and Katrina and I talked about the site and things we want to do with it and talked about issues and crap going on, then Eric came back and was ready to grill, so I figured I'd better head out since I wasn't really in a carnivorous mood and was just looking for some salad and such.  Got home and picked up Mom from Kye and listened to her rant about being passed off like she had babysitters and I said, "You're an only child, how can you have 'baby sisters?'" just to piss her off and short circuit her mental mother board for a while so she told me not to be a wise ass and started fussing some more.  *sigh*  I made a nice big salad for dinner and poured some wine (guaranteed to make Mom sleep like a baby) and we actually had a nice visit and she drifted off around 9pm.  That was my cue to crank up the hot tub and crawl in with the incense and the rum and start some rapid detox.  Then, well, here I am.  My day, by Sage Bourland.

Crap.  I forgot the cat.  Just a second.

OK, that's better.  Nope, no artwork from the great cat masters this week.  Sage can't be trusted near the Paint Shop Pro tonight or there's no telling what might come out of there.  In fact, there's no telling what might come out of this column because really, it's just getting started.

Well, I guess you folks really wanted to talk about some soaps or something tonight, so I expect I should get onto that and of course, we should start out with the only soap anyone ever really talks about, GH.

GH

Let's just delve right in and start with the obvious choice of conversation, the beautiful Cynthia Preston.  God, I love her.  She's way too gorgeous for words and she's one of those women that you know looks really, really hot without the foxy model make-up.  I was cheering louder than anyone when, a few weeks into her GH tenure, she dumped the wacky eyebrows and started really going for it with Ned.  In fact, I'm betting it was Ned who clued her in about the eyebrows.

This little woman has inadvertently (or vertently, hell, I don't know) caused me a whole passel of grief lately without even trying.  I'll refresh those who aren't familiar with this and bore those of you who are.

About 2 weeks ago, I got a call (like they called me, I didn't even bug them) from one of my most trusted and beloved and long term sources on the set of GH who told me that (this is not intended to be blind itemy, but informy) there had been a big drama on the set regarding Cynthia Preston and someone said they didn't want to work with her and it looked like she was going to be let go.  This was the whole tidbit I got and since A) I couldn't get it confirmed by any other source and B) it sounded like something that might blow over, I didn't report it.  Then I was talking to another friend of mine who had been on the set who doesn't know I'm in contact with the first person (I'm sure other columnists can tell you how totally cloak and dagger these sources are) and SHE said, "Hey, did you hear what happened with Cynthia Preston?"  My ears perked up and this person said, "Yeah, I guess someone has an issue with working with her for some reason and she's being recast ASAP."  So there it was again.  Then I go to the Wub Queen (remind me to tell you something about The Wub Queen in a minute when I'm done with this) and see she's alluding to it.  WTF?  Then I hear that Soapboy is talking about CP being fired, so I'm thinking, "Pfft, OK, that's like FOUR sources, how much more do I need to hear?"  So I figure I'm doing my job by reporting it to you guys and good GOD it was like I'd said the pope was gay or something.  The floodgates opened and people started beating me like a freakin' redheaded stepchild (dang, sorry Michael) and I'm like, "OK, dood, OK get OFF me already."  The whole Cynthia Preston worshipping community opened their mouths and bees and hornets and pit bulls and black widows poured out with my name on their afflicting members.  So I'm like, "DAMN!" and I dialed up the first person so fast I called a Chinese restaurant and an old woman in the 818 area code before I got my source and said, "Listen, I'm taking the beating of a lifetime on this rumor, you'd better be right."  They assured me that they had personally heard a person of influence PROMISE that Cynthia Preston would be gone and when I said, "That had better be true because EVERYONE is saying she's flat out denying it" the Source said it was altogether possible that she didn't even know the drama had happened and so I just decided to back off of it. 

Hell, now I don't know WHAT's going on.  I know I got solid info from two unrelated sources who had nothing to gain by lying and had always been trustworthy in the past.  I know I reported it and I'm STILL picking the shit out of my fur from the storm that ensued.  I know that as of last week, witnesses verify she was still working onset and still using her dressing room.  I know that everyone who loves CP with the passion only a fan frequenting the OFFICIAL WEBSITE of an actor can muster up hates my guts.  I know that this whole deal has jaded and stressed me to the point that an hour ago, I was soaking in a boiling tub, contemplating my options for handling this, everything from full disclosure to not saying anything and ignoring the whole thing to getting in my car, driving to LA and firing the bitch myself to save face.  I chose the first option because A) I'm low on gas and B) I doubt my firings mean much at GH and C) Although I've heard conflicting reports, something tells me she's really not a bitch and doesn't deserve to be fired because some actor (maybe, maybe not) got his boxers in a bind about whatever and tried to throw his nonweight around and she definitely doesn't deserve to be fired or called a bitch because some little queen reported what he thought was true and then took a few cyber beatings for it.  God, is that even a sentence?  Or four?  So I opted to sing a few bars of "I Gotta Be Me" and just pour it all out to you guys and give you a blanket, "Pfft, I dunno."  Part of me says this was something that came up, then was smoothed over, possibly before she even knew about it, shoved under that oh so deep carpet (which must cover a black hole) that everything that happens on the GH set gets swept under or that it isn't as smoothed over as we thought and the NEXT thing I heard is true, that recast attempts had failed and the story was being continued until she could be written off was Plan B or that... wow.  I can't remember what the next thing was.  Oh yeah, the next thing was that my reliable source has developed a raging crack habit and hallucinated it all or something.  Regardless, I dunno and I love what I do enough to continue to report what I hear and take the hits for it and hope for the best.  It's what I do.

So do I dare even go on or are people out there with their fingers poised over their keyboards expectantly and their shit catapults on maximum thrust, filled to capacity?  What am I saying?  Of course they are.  They were there when I wrote my first column and they'll be there when they pry my mouse and keyboard from my cold, dead fingers.  Thankfully, they aren't the ones that matter.  You folks know who you are my darlings.  So here we go:

The hallowed date is June 2, 2003.  He'll be on for the last few minutes of clincher and then into the next day, going head to head with Luke from the get go. Where is Laura?  She's been moved and Luke can't find her?  Who's got her?  Who's been pulling the strings on her care?  Who was behind Nikolas getting power of attorney over her care?  Who is behind the regaining of the lost Cassadine fortune?  Who is going to be behind the removal of Summer from the picture???  Who lays the blame for Laura's mental condition squarely at the feet of Luke Spencer?  No one but St Nichols, from what I hear! 

AJ pays Janine to show up at Courtney's shower drunk, but Sonny ends up being the one to intervene.

Mac forces Kyle to cancel his prom date with Maxie.

Elizabeth quits Kelly's and Summer takes over the apron and the coffee pot.

Skye learns Dobson's true identity and she and AJ work to set up the butler.

Emily pretends to be with Nikolas to push Zander further away but he ain't to be pushed.

The Sonny hour is balanced out by heavier Luke and Lucky and Dobson and Quartermaine stuff.

Sonny comes back on Elizabeth about Ric's behavior.

Maxie and Dillon set up Georgie.

Ric tries to leave the Sonny revenge alone.

Sonny gets Faith to heat up the battle with Ric again.

Nikolas defends Emily to Stefan.

Scott tries to set up Jason and Sonny.

Jason and Sonny learn that there is still an Alcazar around.

Ric begins to take things that belong to the unborn Corinthos.

Monica wants to help Zander, but holds fast to her promise to Emily.

Sonny ends up getting beat down by NuAlcazar's drug guys.  They take a picture of him all broken up and send it to Carly, which causes her to go into early labor (there's some medical accuracy for you).  Jason is quick to blame the abduction on Ric and attacks him in front of Liz.

Carly has some questions for Faith,

Sonny and Jason close in on Alcazar.

Ric decides to take Sonny and Carly's baby to replace the one he and Elizabeth lost.  He kidnaps Carly and holds her captive in a secret room in a house he and Liz have purchased.  So how are they going to redeem him from this one?

I have not been able to verify any of the rumors about Jacklyn Zeman being let go or written out of scenes.  I've made contact with three people so far and they all say it sounds like nothing more than rumors and that we should be seeing about as much of her as we always do, including a guest shot during Carly's early labor scare.

Tracy Q's back on June 9th.  Yayyy.

On the rumored Brenda recast or VM return?  I'm getting conflicted reports.  Some say she's being sought after and if she doesn't come back, there will be a recast and others are saying that this is just more of the same rumors that always show up about 5 minutes after VM leaves GH.  Yawn.

OH, more on the Wub Queen like I promised.  Look at what she sent me that I picked up from Katrina's today!  It's an absolutely beautiful little metal plaque that says "Sage" on it and has an awesome hand painted picture of Sage!  *sigh*  I knew after our meeting in Chicago, she wouldn't be able to ever get enough of me.  If she keeps wooing me like this, I might actually have to switch teams and start batting for the New England Wubs, IF you catch my drift (winky winky).

Moving right along to those other shows we also watch that while they do not have the plethora of information released, do have a notch or two of gossipy gossip for us to banter around the table a bit.

AMC

Talk about red herrings!  First, I hear that Cameron Mathison is thisclose to re-signing with AMC and I almost lost consciousness as all the blood plummeted out of my head for regions generally further south.  THEN I was all at once staring straight down at a casting call from AMC that was OBVIOUSLY for Ryan (character named, - duh - "Ryan," sexy, handsome leading man), so WTF?  Is this a leverage casting call as with Stephan Nichols where they put out the line, then draw it back if he signs?  Does it guarantee that one way or another, we ARE getting a Ryan?  Lord, I hope so.  We are in serious beefcake deficit in da Valley.

Of course, the rumors are really hot that Boyd is going to be turned into a bad guy and will rape Bianca, which I find hard to believe, but the rumble is turning into a roar.  Still others believe the rape comes from the likely source of Michael Cambias as a way to get back at Erica.

Supposedly, John Callahan let it slip at a fan luncheon that Leora will die as a result of the surgery and kabang, there go the Haywards as David turns into Mr Blaming Vengeance wreaking havoc and Joe has to have him forcibly removed from the OR even. 

There is an ever-growing rumble also of a Michael Nader return.

I've also heard (RUMOR, RUMOR, RUMOR - DUCKING, CRINGING, SHIELDING) that Lauri (for those who missed it, that's JR's ex-girlfriend and the object of Jamie's affections - talk about a story being dropped like a stone),  Henry and Maggie are all being dropped.

Another unlikely rumor is that ABC had been told to lose one of its daytime dramas and AMC is in the crosshairs!  Yikes!

OLTL

Lastly, fans are quickly mobilizing at the rumor of Roscoe Born being let go as Mitch Laurence (we know Mitch is found dead on the docks AFTER being convicted of killing an associate AND that a major whodunnit ensues).  Since writers are always able to write a character back in even after they're dead, anything is possible.  I'd love to see him stay.

Gina Tognoni is starting to weaken from what I've heard and may well be returning as Kelly and if not, Kelly gets a recast.

Nu Kevin has been cast in the form of Dan Gautier, who is indeed as hottie as promised.  You can check out both him and his information here:  http://www.page-creations.net/dangau.html.

Rumors of Jimmy DePaiva leaving appear to be false and in fact, I'm hearing of a huge Max story coming up, hopefully with Roxy.

Matthew Twinning is the new River Carpenter and will be showing up in mid-July.

The casting of any more Roberts' folk (CJ and Tina) has been put off for a while.  Supposedly, Flash is Sarah, but she's going to be kissing Joey this week, so, ew.  Cousins, please keep your tongues OFF one another, which is a sad thing for me to even have to ask.

And that about wraps it up for this week.  Ol' Sage is going to have to go hit the pillow before his head hits the keyboard and he wakes up with the alphabet printed backwards on his forehead.

Peace be witcha. 

All my love,

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