"My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you
how to swim.'"
--- Paula Poundstone
"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills
than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study:----Duh."
--- Conan O'Brien
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner."
--- Lynda Montgomery
"The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out with a
riding vacuum cleaner."
"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York
said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold
enough. Let's go west.'"
--- Richard Jeni
"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
--- Paul Rodriguez
"My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law."
--- Jerry Seinfeld
"Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet."
--- Mae West
"Suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were a member of Congress...But I repeat myself."
--- Mark Twain
"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only
time of the month that I can be myself."
"You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look
that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'"
--- Dave Barry
"We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight or if we can kill. I think we can. All the General has to do is walk over to the women and say, 'You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms.'"
--- Elayne Boosler
"In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts?"
--- Hugh Grant
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
--- Robert De Niro
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, 'I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked.'"
--- Jerry Seinfield
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
--- Billy Crystal
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
--- Jay Leno
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
--- Robin Williams
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
--- Lewis Grizzard
"Ah, yes, divorce.....from the Latin word meaning 'to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.'"
--- Robin Williams
"The definition of insanity: Doing the same thing but expecting a different result."
"When the sun comes up, I have morals again."
--- Elayne Boosler
"If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten."
--- George Carlin
"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was,
'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, 'I should hope not! If I
don't want you, why would I want someone like you?'"
--- Larry Miller
"If you want to say it with flowers, a single rose says: 'I'm cheap!'"
--- Delta Burke
"My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn
care and vehicle maintenance."
--- Tim Allen