About Life, the Universe and Everything
October 18, 2005
My horoscope on Yahoo today says:
What a difference a day makes. You can go from being so sad you can't see any way out of it to being so happy you're ready to believe you'll never, ever stop feeling this way. Like it or not, though, as they say, change is the only constant -- and at this point, it may be your only constant. Of course, there's one thing you can do to absolutely ensure a happy ending: Adjust your attitude. That's what makes the real difference.
As a rule, I'm not sold on generic horoscopes, but this one (and one last week) really spoke to me. Overall, I consider myself to be a fairly happy, joyful person and I am careful about to whom I give the power to upset me on any level. That's why I don't have many friends who I take deeply to my heart, I suppose. I just got hurt too many times and now I'm really careful about where I place my trust.
Of course, the people who hold the greatest power to hurt me are my husband and my children. My older kids know pretty well how to push my buttons, mostly because of my wishy-washiness and inconsistency as a mom when they were growing up. It is my hope that my younger children will not have as much ammo to use against me as they get older. I pretty much left myself wide open with the older 3. With any luck, this batch of kiddies will not feel as insecure and uncertain about me and my parenting.
Yesterday was a great day. Eric came home midday with chicken alfredo, breadsticks and salad from Olive Garden. We ate upstairs and got about 4 episodes into the Deep Space Nine TiVo stockpile. After that, he and I went about our own activities for most of the late afternoon and evening, but somewhere around 7pm, things got weird and a very civil, but very hurtful argument ensued. It was unresolved to the point that I chose to sleep on the couch so I could think and pray and try to work out my brain a little on it. I went up around 2am and got into my own bed and slept well. Things were still unsettled when he left around 6am today, but seem to be working their way out after a good talk by phone. Sometimes, we need to communicate by phone to hear each other. I think maybe that is because right after we first met, he had to return to Sacramento while I was still in Idaho, so most of our formative conversations took place by phone. Also, we are always aware of the presence of the kids when we are arguing, which makes us a little uncomfortable. We do not hide the fact that we are arguing from our children, but we have to be respectful in how we speak to one another, even in an argument (especially in an argument) and allow the kids to also see that we reach a resolution and that we still very much love each other. I agree with what Dr Phil says, "When you argue in front of your children, you change who they are," but I think in some ways, that change can be positive. When a parent takes every argument behind closed doors so the kids don't think you ever disagree, I feel it gives them an unreasonable and unrealistic view of marriage and relationships. Married people are going to argue and too many people do not know how to do it right or do it well. It's important to stick to the topic and not go wandering down tangent roads. It's important to not allow the conversation to degenerate to meanness, insults and name calling. It's important to stay away from generalizations like, "You always... and you never..." It's important to let kids know that when people live in the same house, they will not always get along and to show them how to "use their words" and resolve conflict appropriately. So sometimes, when you argue in front of your children, you teach them and that definitely changes who they are, just not necessarily in a bad way.
Another premise Eric and I agreed upon a while back (not nearly long enough) is that we will not hold the marriage hostage to the idea of divorce. We do not say things like, "Well, just leave, then" or "Then get a divorce!" Our standard is that the marriage will stay intact and with the option of divorce off the table, that leaves the only option to be offering negotiations on both parts until we find a compromise that will work. It may sound idyllic and sometimes, we fall short, but it's the goal to which we aspire. We're getting better at it all the time. But wow, sometimes, he can get some very civilized zingers in there that really, really hurt.
I won't say that, as per the horoscope, I am "so sad I can't see a way out of it," (not yet, anyway) but the sadness was definitely there. Now, I just want to sleep.
But sadly, I have a house to clean and want to get some work done on my novel. Yet, the couch calls. It is such a whorish vixen siren.
[C'mon, Dianna, just do it! We'll have fun!] <------- Private note
I'm off to referee the war between house cleaning and napping. Right now, napping has the lead!
October 17, 2005
I just had to laugh. After I did my journal entry for Friday, complaining about being on the phone all day that week, especially Thursday, my phones promptly went out for the whole day. Now THAT is service!
Delena's friend did not come and get her dog this weekend, so we still have 2 puppies in the hole (Baby has been inside with us pretty much full time). I woke up Saturday morning around 6am to hear the rain pouring down outside. It was glorious. I grabbed the flashlight (already dark at 6am!) and went out to close the car windows and check on the little girls in the hole. They were all snuggled and dry down in the hole, so I made sure their plywood lean to was well adjusted and crawled back into bed with the hubby for lovey hubby moments, listening to the rain. He fell back asleep and I drowsed for a while. Around 9am, Baby started fussing the way she does when she wants to visit the sister, plus they needed to be fed, so Delena went out into the rain, which had toned down from torrents to just a light mist by this time, and returned right away saying the puppies were gone! Holy Cruella DeVille! We searched for about 45 minutes, trying to figure out what could have happened to them. Finally, around 10:30, Eric went to ask the neighbors if they'd seen them and it turned out that they had taken them into their house to keep them from getting all wet. So puppies were safe and sound and we were very grateful.
In our own inside puppy world, JoBu has made it clear that the puppy pads are not for him. He wants to pee and poop outside (fine for me!), even though he's hardly ever been outside in his life. So I'm puppy training myself, meaning every hour or so, I have to remember to take them out (Baby too) until they figure out to let me know they have to go. JoBu has cried to go out a couple of times, so he's getting it.
Here are pictures of my babies"
I give up. So how does THIS happen?
I spent most of yesterday cleaning, going through the kids' room, going through Delena's clothes (she was MERCENARY and got out a huge lawn and leaf garbage bag of stuff she doesn't plan to wear, Goddess bless'er), working on laundry that needed to be done, catching up on kitchen cleaning (for some reason, and I don't mean to appear ungrateful, but whenever anyone "does the dishes" for me any more, the pots and pans always stay unwashed on the stove... gift horse and all that, but damn) and generally getting the house presentable. Decided to stay up last night and get the EOS columns I'd received posted instead of doing them this morning. That leaves me with a ton of laundry to finish, a call to make to the title company to make sure they have all of the documentation they need to proceed with a closing tomorrow and a fairly clean house with just a general once over to be done.
All in all, it sounds like a great day.
Eric and I went out to the circle out back for Full Moon last night around 8:00pm and it was really glorious. The moon was just high enough to see it over the trees, big and fat and full of promise. The temperature was nice and only a bit nippy... just enough for the season. I was surprised because the woods around us had a very eerie quality to them and they are always really friendly to the point of being downright skippity. I mentioned it to Eric and he was feeling the same thing. It was really cool, given the closeness to Halloween, for it to be a little creepy. Loved it. The energy was really pure and strong from the Blood Moon. Historically, because the moon hangs on the horizon for so long both last month and this month, the light was used for work, extending the work day that has been cut increasingly short since Summer Solstice. The Harvest Moon was used to bring in more harvest under its light and the Blood Moon, rather morbidly, was used to extend the day of slaughter, when the livestock that was not strong enough to make it through the coming winter were killed off (the culling of the herd). Our ancestors knew it would be a waste to continue to feed animals that would not likely live through the cold times, so they took care of business now rather than having to deal with dead animals in the snow and ice. For us, it begins the process of getting rid of things in our life that no longer serve us and will be depleting our energy over the next few months. Since the Sun is in Libra, we use the energy of the scales to balance out our lives, especially our energy output and to achieve emotional balance for the descent into the dark of the year when we will be resting, learning more about ourselves and turning inward. With this month's Full Moon occurring in Taurus (around 6pm EST), that adds an energy of attunement to the creature comforts of life and sheer determination and will power. It's a real toss-up as to who is more stubborn, the Taurus Bull or the Capricorn Goat, but I have to give the Bull the edge. So that's a lot of transitional power associated with this moon and we were really feeling it last night! It was great!
The presence of Fall is so strong now. The air is crisp and cool, the day are so noticeably shorter and the trees are just now (finally) starting to turn. I love this time of year. The onset of Spring and the onset of Fall are my two favorite times of year. Both are filled with their own special kinds of promise and new beginnings, even though they are the opposite ends of the spectrum. Spring brings the sparkling hope of new beginnings, the fullness of promises yet to come and the return into the light. Autumn brings the wonderful feeling of closure, of endings, of purification and of unshackling from our burdens and obstacles. Whatever is holding us back from our own success, from being our best selves is brought into stark focus and we are called, just as our ancestors were called under the blood moon, to sacrifice what we have been shown is holding us back from our own greatest good. To carry it with us into the dark of the year is to continue feeding our own failure, our own encumbrances, our own unhappiness. There is even a moon set up (next one, in fact) called "The Mourning Moon" where, a month out from letting go of these things, we take a special time to mourn their loss. Even the things that hold us back and throw us off course from our own destiny and greatest good can be dear to us and it is natural to mourn their loss. The more I explore the process of following the natural flow of the year, the more sense it makes to me on a deeply psychological level. I love it.
Just spoke with Chick At The Title Company and she called the lender and verified that everything is proceeding as planned with the refinancing. They are waiting on a verification from our insurance company, but they expect the loan to fund tonight. That means by tomorrow, this could all be over. What a happy Full Moon. :)