back home
fortunately not very often, but sometimes...just... sometimes...I get blue...this is one of those times
December 30, 2003

I used to be permanently sad.  It seemed like I was drowning in black pitch and could never get my breath.  The bad stuff would just keep compounding on each other until it seemed like there was no longer any good stuff.  The good stuff was like a really brief whiff of a cool breeze on an endless, oppressively hot day.

I lived in a constant state of emergency and crisis.  I would wake up in the morning thinking, "Oh God.  What's going to go wrong today?"  It was a horrible way to live and I'm grateful to have worked my way out of that place.  Overall now, I'm a positive person and very trusting of "the process." 

Sometimes though, every once in a while, things begin to happen so fast that I can't get my breath and before I can reach up and touch the sky again and get my balance, I'm falling down again.

Yesterday, Eric learned that his little business was awarded an important contract that will keep them working for several months starting in March or so. 

That's a good thing.  Not an immediate cure for poverty in the first degree, but a good thing, none the less.

Then, I had this really, really magical thing happen that moved me in a really profound way.  About a month ago, I started seeing advertisements on TNT for the remake of "The Goodbye Girl" by Neil Simon.  The original one starring Richard Dreyfus and Marsha Mason is one of my favorite movies of all times.  As soon as I saw the remake, I knew I wanted to see it.  It's showing January 16, 17 & 18th and I'm very eager.  On the preview, I heard bits of Hootie and the Blowfish doing "Goodbye Doesn't Mean Forever," which is the theme song for the movie (originally done by David Gates) and thought it was just wonderful.  I started looking around for a place to find the song to download and had no luck.  I looked over a few days and no luck. Then, out of the blue, someone doing the publicity for that very movie contacted me as the webmaster of Eye on Soaps and asked if I'd be interesting in promoting the movie on my site.  Um, Yeah!  In return, they offered TEN copies of a DVD that has the Hootie video, interviews with the actors and the trailer of the movie.  I can use the extra copies for a give away on the site.  :)  So that was really cool that what I was searching like mad for came right up to my door.  I won't have them until sometime in January, but it's there, nonetheless.  The official site on this movie is here.

My mother-in-law sent us a gift certificate for Sears for Christmas and my husband's sister sent the kids Toys-R-Us gift cards.  Just so you'll know, Toys-R-Us gets the Ignorant Customer Service award because you can't use their gift cards on their website.  Pfft.  Eric and I went there on Friday to see if they had cubbies for the kids' room to provide a little organization.  Delena wanted a Danish Princess Barbie.  Got it.  Eric was in a bad mood the whole time we were out, so the shopping trip was aborted and I went out again yesterday.   I got a cool cubby set for $35 (drop in drawers rather than cubbies in their truest form), then went on over to Sears.  Eric didn't have anything he wanted and Sears was having a great sale, so I got a lot of really cool stuff that the family could enjoy, like a replacement for our much used and ultimately killed George Foreman Lean Mean Fat Grilling Machine.  Regretfully, I went for the bun warming variety which I belatedly (as in after I got home) realized does NOT have a timer on it, which seemed standard I would think.  Got a mini-trampoline, on sale for half off in the sporting goods section.  That will be good fun for the kids and good exercise for me.  Got two new pillows for me and Eric ($3 each!) and a new heating pad for my wretched back (strained during pregnancy #6 with Nathan, never got better, really, and fusses from time to time).  I also got four big plastic bins with lids and e smaller ones, also on sale. 

Came home and started cleaning right away.  I went through all of the kids' toy boxes (they had 3, with the emphasis on "had") and cleared out a bunch of stuff that is no longer age appropriate for them and other things they've ignored for the past couple of years.  A million Burger King and cereal box toys were on the bottom layer of toy box entrails and most were serious multiples.  Anyway, I got it down to one toy box of toys and one of very favorite stuffed toys.  Sorted things into the cubby drawers and put the books into one of the big bins.  Here's the end result:

The book bin (under the giant pink frog)

The 2 toy boxes in the closet.  Up on the right is the costume bin full of different Halloween costumes, Bob the Builder hat, etc.  The closet is finally clean and the doors move now.

The famous cubby set.  To the left is the shoe bin and the milk crate of shoes and socks.

Eric is thrilled and the kids spent most of the day in their room playing with the toys that they are now able to find.   It took about 4 hours (and *shhhhh* I never cleaned under the bed - Yikes!), but it was worth it and I'm glad I did it. Now, if someone else would just come and do it for the other rooms in my house.

So those were all good things.  They happened during a tough time.   Not tragic, just challenging.  Eric had an emotionally trying time and needed lots of R&R time to hang with his friends and such, so I was spending tons of kid time.  Then he got sick, which was difficult for both of us, then he was out of sorts from quitting smoking, which was challenging.  So... challenging, challenging, challenging.  Yesterday seemed like a beginning of good things with the awarding of the contract and the cleansing out of the room.  It feel like new beginnings all around.  It still could be, but today was when I got underwater and couldn't find my way back up again.

As a lot of you know, Eric has been laid off since June, with the exception of a good 3 week job in July.  We've been skating by nicely, even eeking out a Christmas for the kids.  Today, it seemed like the bottom fell out.  The guys found out that they need a special endorsement on their liability insurance to take the contract and it's going to cost a bundle.  A parking ticket we got on a truck we own and have been trying to sell (it has some carb issues) not only has to be paid, but has to be corrected, which means paying $200 in registration, plus getting it insured, plus the $25 ticket. 

Eric got a letter saying that the Unemployment Department (EDD) is under the impression that he inaccurately reported his earnings for that one job back in July.  He looked up his records and they match what EDD has, so it had to be a matter of Eric making a mistake on the form or something. He's really anal about reporting, so it surprises me, but they are of the impression that he's a criminal, so they are fining him 30% of the amount in question ($380), plus they are withholding 5 weeks of his benefits as punishment.  That means we have to pay almost $500 and lose the majority of our income for 5 weeks.  How we will make the rent that falls in that window on February 1st is beyond me, not to mention that in two weeks, we were to get the EDD check that covers electricity, phone, internet services and such.  >:<  So that won't be coming.  Scary, scary stuff.  Thinking about things like lights and groceries and heat and such was a place I didn't really want to go again.  Without his EDD payments, we're going to be in sorry shape unless we find a way to fill in the blanks.

Eric has been working small jobs here and there to supplement the budget and I can only hope that he's able to redouble those efforts during the next couple of months. 

To add to THAT, I am so old that I can be considered on the Silver Care Plan for insurance.  The commercial says they will cover anyone born between 1913 and 1963.  That means if I die, it's not a big surprise to the Silver Care Plan. I'm officially old.

I know that all the hopes in the world can be crammed into tomorrow, but today really sucked.  I need to go find some incredible, luscious holiness to not have today be a total waste. 

Counting my blessings,  you know. Got great friends on and off the net.  Got a wonderful family.  Got steaks on the grill (London Broil was only $1.99 a pound!) and a 4th season Sopranos video from Netflix to crack into.  Got a clean room for the kids and ... something.  I dunno.  Good stuff out there. I just need to break the surface to see it.

Meanwhile, I'm a little bit blue.



For Today's Earlier Post, Click Here


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