November 18, 2004
Talk about your subjective meanings...the psalm quote above says, "Those who sow in tears shall reap with joyful shouting." (Psalm 126:5) On the surface, I took it to mean that if you live a life that is fraught with sacrifice, pain and hardship, you'll be blessed with great joy... eventually. There is also the other side of that idea which is the premise of life working in cycles, of there being pain and sadness and hardships, then joy and elation and success, then pain and sadness and hardships.
(As an aside, I'm watching the first season of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" on FX and I must say, Angel is decidedly hot. I mean, he's no Spike, but well, I'm impressed, although there is no reasoning why an overwhelming of you thought back in January that Angel is actually hotter. Click here for a little memory. I don't know what THAT was about.)
This concept of up and down is, in my mind, best expressed by the Tarot card, The Wheel of Fortune (see brightly colored card above). The card itself means "the hand of fate" and its influence in our lives. The card above shows the mixed bag of angels and demons that exist in our lives. One of my favorite versions of the card is in fact, in one of my favorite decks, the Morgan-Greer:
I love how it shows that some days, you're king and queen of the world, riding on top of the wheel, but most assuredly, the wheel is always, eternally turning and when you're on top, as it turns you will eventually be on the bottom (under the wheel getting squashed). The great news is that the Wheel KEEPS turning, so eventually, you're back up again. I love that concept. I've seen it in actual application over and over, in my life and others.
I don't believe we should pigeon-hole times on our lives as "good" or "bad." Obviously, there are certain times of our lives that feel absolutely tragic. Hardship is always challenging and it's amazing how at times we can feel like hardship magnet. No matter how positive I tried to think, I can remember opening my eyes in the morning and having the first thought coming into my mind unbidden be, "God, I wonder what will go wrong today." That kind of negative programming is absolutely detrimental, but it would just be there without me even having to transition to it. I just felt beaten.
I haven't felt that way in a long, long time and for that I am particularly grateful. It was really scary when we were losing our house, but the promise that all would be well was palpable and for the most part, it was like a do or die rush. I am still amazed at the plethora of miracles we experienced during that time. It started with an EOS friend, Maurine (I miss you!), who volunteered her services as a mortgage broker. Eric had been with very sketchy employment for almost a year and our credit was so destroyed that we automatically presumed that not only would we NEVER qualify for a home loan, but would be very lucky to get into a rental house. The timing was just absolutely horrible. Maurine got the ball rolling and got the idea in our head of buying. Because we thought that loan was a done deal, we started shopping and almost immediately found this house and fell in love with it. When that loan fell through, we called the agent showing this house to tell her we couldn't take it and she said, "Pfft, I'll get you a loan..." and she did. She also paid for our moving truck and brought us a buttload of boxes. We were able to move into the house and rent it a during escrow and be out of our other house long before we had to. Sure, we had a TON of stuff stolen from us during the move (while we were between trips in the truck), which was really hurtful and felt very invasive. The hardest to accept were the kids' things that were taken. But now, that's behind us and we're working on replacing the stolen things (still) and we figure it was some price we had to pay in exchange for all of the angels and miracles that came into our lives during that time with the express purpose of getting us to this amazing place. Even though that was a time that would be considered to be the bottom of the wheel, it was an amazing experience.
I wouldn't say that we are down now, or maybe we are. Money is really hard because we had to get a reliable vehicle for snow time (you'll remember, I asked for this, so I shouldn't complain!) and it totally stripped us. No Christmas money in sight and it's only a month away (we celebrate on Winter Solstice, so we'll likely use December 19th, the weekend before solstice (since Eric will have to work through that week). I am a firm believer in miracles, as you well know, and the St Jude candles are well aflame. I'm trusting that we'll get through this one, like all the rest, and all will be well.
Like so many other times in the recent past, primarily since Nathan was born five years ago, I am extremely sleep deprived, almost to the point of running into walls and definitely to the point of being very irritable. Each night, I think "tonight is the night" and I imagine I'm going to get some good, solid sleep. Each night, something comes up to undermine it. Either Eric is continually poking me about my snoring to the point where I go downstairs to the couch (every night this week), thereby assuring that I'm going to have ragged sleep. I get up at 5:30 to get the day rolling and it's all I can do to drag out of bed. I push through the day, fueled by diet coke until I can finally collapse on the couch that night, once all the kids are finally settled.
I WILL get caught up on sleep and this too shall pass, but it always feels like forever when I get a week or two like this. My head hurts, the sound of the kids' voices is like razor blades plowing through my ears and I feel like I'm packed in cotton. My house is in OK shape, but definitely isn't up to its usual nice state. Of course, this has been the week for drama central, so I've been putting out fires on a few different fronts, feeling wholly inadequate to do so.
Gods, I need a vacation.
Eric and I have a parent-teacher conference at 5:30 and when we come back from that, I have a feeling I'm going to hit the bed and sleep like the dead. Eric can handle everything for the night. He's had to be gone late, late, late every day, so I've done my overtime and he can do some now. It will take more than one night to get me anywhere near rested up, but this definitely can't hurt.
The weekend is taken up with Delena's birthday. She has friends coming in from out of town who will arrive tomorrow night and leave out Sunday. Her actually party is Saturday. She's having pizza and a weenie roast. Her father is going to be in Sacramento the weekend of the 27th, so I'll drive her down to see him then. She's very excited. She only gets to see him about once a year, but they talk nonstop online and are very close, for which I'm extremely grateful. she's saving birthday money to go shopping with him. I'm told Torrid and Hot Topic are on her list. :) My little gothy girl is going to be 12!
I'll leave you today with a funny a friend sent me that pretty well sums up the present atmosphere:
PS: Also, some wonderful, intellectual humor!