October 31, 2003/November 3, 2003

At last, the day is here!  I've been feeling the energy of the ending of the harvest since about September and have been eager to get into the quiet, darkness of they year that comes afterwards.  It has been a year of wonderful blessings, but also some pretty heavy challenges and I'm able to think so much better once the heat is off and the days are shorter and darkness is in charge.  The early nights lend well to quiet contemplation (even if situations often do not), so even if things are nutty, the energy is there and I can feel it.  I know a lot of people are intimidated by quietness and go a little bit bonker when the activity around them mellow.  The constant social activity, phones, friends, computer, work, errands, parties, soccer practice, PTA and such all create a sense of urgency and importance and noise around us that seldom keep us from sitting in quiet contemplation.  I know for myself, when the weeks come where I don't get that quiet time, I start to have actual physical symptoms of anxiety and tension and headaches and such.  I guess I'm just not built for speed.  I always look forward to Spring with equal enthusiasm (I bore easily), but this year in particular, the embrace of the Winter is seductive.

A lot of people have asked what we do at Halloween time, so I'll give you a quick run down.  Our kids definitely trick or treat.  It's a tradition we've employed for 25 years now and will likely continue for another 9-10, given the kids' current ages.  They'll go out for a couple of hours (Delena is a vampire slayer, Dylan is a ninja and Nathan is Jigglypuff this year), then we'll come back and they'll collapse into a sated, exhausted heap.  Eric and I will likely cuddle, read some Tarot cards and go to sleep.  Tomorrow night, we have our group ritual.  We'll do a lot of internal work to let go of the things in our lives we're being led to release.  It's our belief that too often, we're given indications for quite some time that we need to let go of certain behaviors or situations in our lives, but we resist this if it's something to which we're wanting to hang out to, despite all indications and common sense.  Since Halloween is a time of death and endings, we figure this is the best time to mourn and let go and prepare to move on.  This year, I will be letting go of my mom, of my desperate need to control things around me, of my expectations for my spiritual group, which is going through a lot of changes and of my use of food for instant gratification to get me through tense or difficult situations.  We also take this time to honor our ancestors and loved ones who have passed on before us. 

Nov 3, 2003

Well, that's as far as I got before things got crazy.  I called the dental clinic to find out if they take payments and yes!  They do!  Not only that, but their office was empty and they could see me right then!  I closed up the journal and headed out, getting to the office less than 20 minutes after the call.  It was PACKED.  I registered and settled in to wait.  It was an interesting two hours.  There was a little woman of Italian or Greek descent beside me, age was indeterminable and could be somewhere from 50 or so on up.  She seemed to be nodding off and was slowly curling up into a ball like a potato bug, perhaps ready to roll out into the floor at any moment.  I was becoming engrossed in an episode of Andy Griffith, in which Ellen Corby (Grandma Walton) was a little old lady out to screw Barney over on a car sale.  About 20 minutes into it, one of the little street urchins there for care got a hold of the remote control for the TV, declared her hatred of all shows black and white and started running nonexistent channels  (no cable).  I thought about saying something, but then figured it wasn't worth the effort.  I pick my battles. 

Attention then turned to a little boy who was among a family of about 5 kids, ranging in age from him (2) to maybe 16-17 (the oldest of whom I believe was his mother) with a matriarchal figure of gargantuan proportions there as well.  I know the little boy was 2 because one of the women there at the office asked how old the little boy was.  If he was two, he was an old two because he was extremely verbally articulate.  Little bit took to going out the door of the office and running up and down the sidewalk and when one of the little girls who was about 12 went out to get him and brought him inside, Little Bit said very loudly and clearly and assertively, "Fuck YOU, Bitch!"  Oh and everyone thought it was just the funniest thing they'd ever heard!!  I don't consider myself to be overly sensitive to language and have been known to address situations in a particular fluorescent manner myself, but this was just the trashiest thing I'd ever heard in my life.  My skin was crawling and I just wanted to leave and get back to my safe little house where two-year-olds don't know those words, much less how to use them correctly. 

Not long after that, they called me up to tell me that I didn't qualify for payments and would have to pay the full amount in cash. Since I am expecting x-rays and a root canal to be needed, that was just impossible and still make rent.  So I'm still here with a painful tooth and trying to investigate dental insurance plans ($100 a month and 40% co-pay!  Yikes!). 

We had a really detailed event planned for Saturday night and along about lunch time, Eric came down with a horrible flu and couldn't get out of bed for two days.  I had to clean house, prep for ritual (LOTS of set up!) and host the event on my own and by the time everyone left at 11, my tooth was in high swing and I was just exhausted.  He was down again the next day and I wasn't able to get all of the ritual set up out of the back yard before we got a downpour.   My stereo now weighs about twice what it did before I took it out there. 

I figure that can't be good.

Eric is finally out and about today, feeling much better. I'm very, very tired after a stressful weekend and lots of changes going on seemingly everywhere in my life.  I'm eager to get back on the upward cycle again to see the really positive side of all that's happening.

I did get a wonderful gift.  My son, David (23), has a friend named Zack (21) who happens to have a Kirby vacuum cleaner and shampooer.  If you know anything about the Kirby machines, you'll know they're just the best ones out there.  Anyway, they came out to the house last Thursday and started a deal with me where I make them a big dinner and they... clean.  David organized my kitchen and bathroom while Zack shampooed my living room and dining room, getting up lots of stains and making it look so much better.  In exchange, I made meatloaf, mashed potatoes, gravy, biscuits and peas.  They were very happy and felt they might be taking advantage of me (the essence of any good deal.. I was afraid I was taking advantage of them).  They are coming back this week to do other floor areas and hit some high traffic areas.  David is going to be working on washing walls and windows and such and helping me rearrange some furniture (I bore easily).  If this keeps up, I can have a lot of my under cleaning done by these guys and just cook them a meal for it.  That definitely works for me!  I'll enjoy it while it lasts.  I told them they should go into business together, sort of Straight Eye on Some Queerly Dirty Houses.  This is a real blessing.

Eric still spends every day looking for work, making contacts, doing work to keep their insurance paid up.  It's been so challenging, but I've been here before and it's just a matter of waiting it out, killing all unnecessary expenses and trying to minimize the damage along the way.  One day at a time, one step at a time and keep the piggies happy.  :) 

This spring, I'm planting financial stability and that's all there is to it.  Enough of this other stuff.  I'm getting too old for this crap.  I'm ready to relax and ever have to look at my checkbook balance for a while.  I'm definitely ready to drive a car that isn't threatening to break down and to not sweat the bills any more.  That kind of life has to be out there and I intend to find it!  :)

This is the year, folks!  I'm going to make it happen one way or another, hopefully without running guns or drugs.  hee hee  oh wait, I mean BWAAHAHAHAHAHA!!

Meanwhile, it's time to go tickle the pig a bit.





© Lil Kitty, 2001-2003.