October 28, 2003
The time is flying by so fast. I
think Joe's visit was the fastest 5 days
I've ever experienced. One bummer of
the time was that just before he got here, I
fell headlong into one of the biggest
depressions I've ever had, I think. It
was tied into a few things and it took me a
day or so to figure out what it was all
about, but once I got it under control, we
had a really great time. I really
hated that it happened, but I'm grateful for
the lessons I got from it. I had 2-3
situations come up at once where people that
I love and trust (and there are so few of
those around that I really take dearly into
my heart) dishonored me in a painful way and
they kind of pinnacled into an onslaught of
I'm never averse to examining my life and
learning more about myself, but the timing
was just horrible, so I had to spend some
personal time acknowledging the issue,
promising to work on it, but saying, 'Hey
guys, this just isn't a good time. Can
we table this for a day or so?' I came
out of the funk and was able to enjoy myself
(and not be a pervasive black cloud).
It sucked, but hey, it was and it was
handled and I'm letting it go.
Joe is such a fabulous person and this
visit definitely reminded me of that.
I thought I was going to have to start
wearing Depends we were laughing so hard.
Winchester Mystery House was such a
tremendous disappointment. We had all
looked forward to it for years, always
saying we were going to go and never being
able to make it. Being how we are, we
were hoping that we'd get to know a little
more about Sarah Winchester's madness or
some of the spooky things that had gone on
in the house (it's reportedly the second
most haunted house in California) and other
actually interesting stuff. Instead,
we got to hear 10-15 examples of how bitchy
she was to work for and saw an hour and a
half of very nice turn of the century
furniture and Tiffany glass. It's not
that the stuff wasn't beautiful, but it
wasn't what I went there expecting.
Since it was a flashlight tour, I was almost
afraid to bring Delena, thinking it might
get a little hairy, but once you've seen a
few rooms of nice furniture, it all starts
to look alike. OK, so she had tiny
little stairs that were only about two
inches deep. OK, so she built a
staircase that went to the ceiling and a
chimney that doesn't leave the room. I
wanted to see a lot of seriously freaky
deaky shit and it just wasn't there.
My mind started to wander to the materialism
of how *I* wanted to cool house like that
and if I had the millions of dollars that
were at Sarah Winchester's disposal, I would
give the world a hell of a lot more to talk
about a century later. I wouldn't
build the damned thing because I was trying
to appease the angry spirits of blah blah
blah. I'd do it because I
could. So you folks can rest
assured that if I ever become a
gajillionaire, y'all will know about it and
I'll do something really cool and notorious.
Hide and watch.
Eric and his business partner are still
working hard to try and make contacts for
jobs. They've gotten a few small ones,
enough to pay for their insurance premiums
mostly. We're still hopeful that the
harvest is all bottled up and ready to break
out at once. It's building slowly and
they have some good opportunities pending,
so I'm keeping happy thoughts and hoping for
the best (but battening down the hatches for
the worst). I have complete faith and
trust that things like Delena's birthday
(Nov 20) and Christmas will all be handled
and by that time, we won't even have to
think about this stuff any more. One
day at a time. One mountain at a time.
One lesson at a time (or, if recent evidence
suggests, 10 or 12 at a time).
I'm amazed by how hot it has been here
lately (must be the heat rising from the
southern fires). It has been near 90's
most days and then chilly at night.
And... I'm talking about the weather to not
talk about the scary stuff, which is no big
deal for most people, but is tragic for me.
I have to go to the dentist today at 3pm.
Where this should initiate a frown and a
"Damn, I have to go to the dentist" followed
by a shrug, for me it involves a great deal
of sweating and screaming and wild-eyed
panic, due to some things that happened to
me in my past. I try to get a cleaning
once a year (twice would kill me), but
I haven't had more than that done in about 6
years, despite knowing that I have some
active decay. I can do X-rays with no
problem, I can brush and floss with no
problem, but as soon as that chair tilts
back, I start screaming inside shaking
outside and don't stop until about a half
hour after I'm home. I've tried
everything from biofeedback to aversion
therapy to counting to humming to active
visualization and nothing seems to work.
Nitrous helps immensely. I've already
called ahead to make sure they'll have
plenty of that. I once had IV Valium
to have all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed and
once it got up my arm and into me, I didn't
care WHAT they did and that made it the most
tolerable dental procedure I've ever had.
Today is going to be either an intense
filling of mammoth proportions or a root
canal and the place I'm going to (the only
one with a decent payment plan) is a real
butcher shop. I went there for my last
cleaning and Eric, Delena and Josh all had
work done there. I know that I'm just
going to have to shore up and get it done
and pray for the best. By tonight, it
will (should) be over and I'll be out of
pain. That will be quite a blessing,
so I'm just moving toward that and I'll let
the Universe fill in the blanks.
I've finally started sleeping well at
night (ironically, I got a bit of a cold and
the past two nights, I've taken so Niquil to
help it and the sleep that comes with it is
pretty addictive) and now I feel my body
craving more of it. I've been sleeping
lightly and waking up every 2 hours or so at
night for a few weeks now and the effects
have been pretty frustrating. I know
that also contributed to my depression.
I'm just really tired and I don't do well
with tired at all any more. If Eric is
able to be home a bit over the rest of the
week, I'm going to try and catch some naps
along the way and get back up to par again.
It's my favorite time of year and I want to
be there for it!
For now, it's time to get the house back
into order and try and do some laundry.
I hope everyone is having a glorious week!