We are limited, not by our abilities, but by our vision.

October 28, 2003

The time is flying by so fast.  I think Joe's visit was the fastest 5 days I've ever experienced.  One bummer of the time was that just before he got here, I fell headlong into one of the biggest depressions I've ever had, I think.  It was tied into a few things and it took me a day or so to figure out what it was all about, but once I got it under control, we had a really great time.  I really hated that it happened, but I'm grateful for the lessons I got from it.  I had 2-3 situations come up at once where people that I love and trust (and there are so few of those around that I really take dearly into my heart) dishonored me in a painful way and they kind of pinnacled into an onslaught of abandonment issues. 

I'm never averse to examining my life and learning more about myself, but the timing was just horrible, so I had to spend some personal time acknowledging the issue, promising to work on it, but saying, 'Hey guys, this just isn't a good time.  Can we table this for a day or so?'  I came out of the funk and was able to enjoy myself (and not be a pervasive black cloud).  It sucked, but hey, it was and it was handled and I'm letting it go.

Joe is such a fabulous person and this visit definitely reminded me of that.  I thought I was going to have to start wearing Depends we were laughing so hard.

Winchester Mystery House was such a tremendous disappointment.  We had all looked forward to it for years, always saying we were going to go and never being able to make it.  Being how we are, we were hoping that we'd get to know a little more about Sarah Winchester's madness or some of the spooky things that had gone on in the house (it's reportedly the second most haunted house in California) and other actually interesting stuff.  Instead, we got to hear 10-15 examples of how bitchy she was to work for and saw an hour and a half of very nice turn of the century furniture and Tiffany glass.  It's not that the stuff wasn't beautiful, but it wasn't what I went there expecting.  Since it was a flashlight tour, I was almost afraid to bring Delena, thinking it might get a little hairy, but once you've seen a few rooms of nice furniture, it all starts to look alike.  OK, so she had tiny little stairs that were only about two inches deep.  OK, so she built a staircase that went to the ceiling and a chimney that doesn't leave the room.  I wanted to see a lot of seriously freaky deaky shit and it just wasn't there.  My mind started to wander to the materialism of how *I* wanted to cool house like that and if I had the millions of dollars that were at Sarah Winchester's disposal, I would give the world a hell of a lot more to talk about a century later.  I wouldn't build the damned thing because I was trying to appease the angry spirits of blah blah blah.  I'd do it because I could.  So you folks can rest assured that if I ever become a gajillionaire, y'all will know about it and I'll do something really cool and notorious.  Hide and watch.

Eric and his business partner are still working hard to try and make contacts for jobs.  They've gotten a few small ones, enough to pay for their insurance premiums mostly.  We're still hopeful that the harvest is all bottled up and ready to break out at once.  It's building slowly and they have some good opportunities pending, so I'm keeping happy thoughts and hoping for the best (but battening down the hatches for the worst).  I have complete faith and trust that things like Delena's birthday (Nov 20) and Christmas will all be handled and by that time, we won't even have to think about this stuff any more.  One day at a time.  One mountain at a time.  One lesson at a time (or, if recent evidence suggests, 10 or 12 at a time).

I'm amazed by how hot it has been here lately (must be the heat rising from the southern fires).  It has been near 90's most days and then chilly at night.  And... I'm talking about the weather to not talk about the scary stuff, which is no big deal for most people, but is tragic for me.  I have to go to the dentist today at 3pm.  Where this should initiate a frown and a "Damn, I have to go to the dentist" followed by a shrug, for me it involves a great deal of sweating and screaming and wild-eyed panic, due to some things that happened to me in my past.  I try to get a cleaning once a  year (twice would kill me), but I haven't had more than that done in about 6 years, despite knowing that I have some active decay.  I can do X-rays with no problem, I can brush and floss with no problem, but as soon as that chair tilts back, I start screaming inside shaking outside and don't stop until about a half hour after I'm home.  I've tried everything from biofeedback to aversion therapy to counting to humming to active visualization and nothing seems to work.  Nitrous helps immensely.  I've already called ahead to make sure they'll have plenty of that.  I once had IV Valium to have all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed and once it got up my arm and into me, I didn't care WHAT they did and that made it the most tolerable dental procedure I've ever had.  Today is going to be either an intense filling of mammoth proportions or a root canal and the place I'm going to (the only one with a decent payment plan) is a real butcher shop.  I went there for my last cleaning and Eric, Delena and Josh all had work done there.  I know that I'm just going to have to shore up and get it done and pray for the best.  By tonight, it will (should) be over and I'll be out of pain.  That will be quite a blessing, so I'm just moving toward that and I'll let the Universe fill in the blanks.

I've finally started sleeping well at night (ironically, I got a bit of a cold and the past two nights, I've taken so Niquil to help it and the sleep that comes with it is pretty addictive) and now I feel my body craving more of it.  I've been sleeping lightly and waking up every 2 hours or so at night for a few weeks now and the effects have been pretty frustrating.  I know that also contributed to my depression.  I'm just really tired and I don't do well with tired at all any more.  If Eric is able to be home a bit over the rest of the week, I'm going to try and catch some naps along the way and get back up to par again.  It's my favorite time of year and I want to be there for it!


For now, it's time to get the house back into order and try and do some laundry.  I hope everyone is having a glorious week! 

Happy Tuesday!