October 21, 2003
Hello! Ten days and counting, so
it's time to start paying homage to my very favorite holiday, HALLOWEEN!!
I've been feeling the energy of it coming in for weeks now and I'm so excited
that it's almost here!
For me, this is the time to burn away
the fields and let go of the behaviors and people and other baggage that we
aren't to take into the new year. The dark of the year is a time of quiet
introspection, especially for women. Men, in the ancient times, would go
out and hunt to supplement the stored harvest, so they had an active role (as
usual... men don't seem to do well passively waiting things out), but for women,
it was a time of healing, of nurturing one another, for inner spirit exploration
and for story telling. It means warm hearth fires, quiet nights, long
sleepy mornings, big mugs of steaming cocoa and close visits with friends and
family. It's a season of hibernation and meditation before sticking our
heads out in the spring to being the growth of new things again. I love
this wonderful respite in the year, where nature has built in a vacation (before
we had to go out daily and earn a paycheck for our survival) into the year when
the weather was inclimate for being out and about. Being a control freak,
I live in California so that I don't have to deal with snow and ice, but I
definitely still honor the spirit that comes with the crisp in the air and the
frost on the window.
know that this is a particularly tough time for people who thrive on noise and
activity and distraction in their lives and it's sometimes difficult to adjust
to the quieter energy and time of deeper reflection that late Fall and Winter
bring. For me, I always appreciate the less hectic pace and the descent
into quiet darkness.
This particular year, I've not been
pleased with all that I'm having to release. It's not that I'm actually
losing a great deal that is vital to me, but more that things are moving around
in my life and I'm having to adjust to their changes. Other things are
being reaffirmed. It's as though suddenly every part of my life has come
into question to either readjust, reaffirm or release. The Universe seems
to be saying, "OK, where do we put this? How about this? Mmm Hmmm.
This?" The clarification is refreshing, but it's sometimes hard to keep up
and occasionally, I've had a "What??!!" moment. Thankfully, I've had
wonderful and wise (and patient) friends who have kept me well grounded and
thinking through this process.
Recently, one of the issues that has
come into question is as observation by a reader of the journal who noted that
my life seems to carry with it an atmosphere of "sadness and desperation."
If anyone else is getting that impression, I want to clarify myself immediately.
My mother died this year. That has left me with a feeling of sadness and I
miss her very much, as well as missing all that we never were able to have in
our relationship. My husband (and our source of income) is unemployed and
we are working hard to stay afloat and keep the faith and spirits high during
this challenging time. Overall, I consider myself to be a joyful and
directed person and it was disturbing to find that someone perceived me this
way. I really hope that overall, those who read this journal do not come
away feeling that I am lacking for joy, hope, faith or love in my life just
because times right now are challenging.
means, that I now must go put a cold cloth on my forehead and think deep
thoughts. It has been such an amazingly "who's on first" day that I think
I need a drink with one of those little umbrellas in it and a cabana boy named
Jacques to massage my back.
I'll be around soon with an entry that
makes more sense. I just needed to reassure anyone who might have the
impression that I am wayfaring, desperate, rootless, suicidal, floundering or
otherwise pathetic. I'm really doing OK, this is just my place to vent
about life in general and since some of that has been challenging as of late, my
attention has been hanging around there a bit.
Jacques?? Are you there?