October 19, 2003

Still with the really odd dreams.  Two nights ago, I dreamed about the upstairs that isn't there again (the one with the turtles and fish tank).  This time, when I went up, there were no starving animals (always a bonus).  Instead there was a huge, cherry wood armoire filled with clothes, jewelry, sunglasses and basically everything I'd ever lost in my life.  In the dream, I was  aware that some of the jewelry had been given to me by my aunts at the time of my mom's death and I'd misplaced it on the trip back.  Some nice stuff, some tacky stuff, but still welcome. 

When I turned around from exploring the armoire, I saw that the other half of the room was a metaphysical store with lots of Tarot decks, little statues of pewter and clay and plaster and resin, little oddity figurines and geegaws, crystal balls and all kids of wonderful things.  I also knew I could choose from any of them or all of them and they would be mine.  It was fairly breath-taking.  I think this is an invitation for me to choose what I'm going to harvest before the harvest ends at Halloween, so I'm likely going to meditate on that and come up with a list.  The "finding everything I've ever lost" is  a recurring theme to my dreams, but usually, it's focused around "Maltings House," which is a house I lived in in England.  Up until about 2 years ago, I used to dream at least once a week that I was going back there (I only lived in the house from 1982-1983) and that when I did, the family living there (always a different family) welcomed me in (or in some dreams, the house was abandoned) and either invited me to explore or would ask me if I left anything there.  Regardless, I always ended up in the upstairs of the house and in one of the rooms would be everything I ever lost or misplaced.  Once I realized the significance of that dream (that I needed to concentrate on some of the elements of my life that were prevalent during the time I lived in that house... things I had "lost"), then the dream stopped.  Now, it's in an armoire I've never seen before in an upstairs to this house that I didn't know existed.  Go figure.

Another really odd dream came just before waking yesterday morning.  Eric, the three little kids and I were living in a nice apartment and were fairly happy there.  We didn't have any of our usual belongings.  The apartment was furnished rather sparsely, but with very nice items.  I was washing dishes when Eric came into the kitchen and said, "Look who's come to visssssitttt!" and had a little fat blonde, Augustus Gloop baby on his hip.  Baby was toddler age, just around 12 months and was very dirty, old, unchanged diaper on him, dirty, snotty face, ratty hair with little piggy eyes.  Baby was looking dim-eyed out into the world and gurgling happily as Eric jiggled him, waiting for me to fall into the "all hail" worship of this baby.  In the dream, I knew that the baby belonged to this white trash woman downstairs who was forever pushing her kid off onto us so she could go out running around.  She was one of these who wore crop tops when she ought not be wearing crop tops and whose mouth doesn't bother to close then they aren't speaking.  Eric was frustrated with me that I wasn't excited this baby was there and I was frustrated with him for getting suckered into watching the kid again.  We had plans for the afternoon that were now going to have to be changed and he was fairly indifferent to that because *sigh* the baby was here.  No idea what that one means except for some vague thought that it is about Eric introducing something into our family that he loves and I barely tolerate.  That could be many things.

Only four more days until Joe is here!  I'm so tremendously excited!  One of the things we set up (and fortunately pre-paid for prior to the financial shit hitting the fan) is a flashlight tour of the Winchester Mystery House.  We're all really eager to check it out.  :)  Beyond that, we will just be hanging around, talking, laughing and being together.  It's going to be great fun. He and Eric are also really close and the kids just adore him.

Eric has been working like mad to find a job, constantly scanning the net (newspapers, job boards, etc) for new possibilities.  He and his partners have been putting a lot of energy into marketing what they do with their business (installing security systems, home theater systems, etc) and aren't getting very far there either.  It's very frustrating for him, but we are doing our best to stay in a positive place, spend our money wisely and weather this storm like we have to others that have come.  I feel my Virgo nature patterning ahead to "but Christmas is coming!"  "but Eric's birthday is coming!"  "but Delena's birthday is coming!" "but we have to make rent on the first!" and I do a lot of deep breathing and reseating into the idea that this is the harvest, that we have been through this before and know that worry gets us nowhere, that history has proven out that our lives can change on a dime and that the things I worry about in the future may or may not happen.  I am trying to stay rooted in the present and to just to the best I can for the time being and let the future wait its turn until it becomes the present, whatever that will be.

The hardest part of this has been that normally, I allow myself the luxury of eating to make the stress better.  This time, while I'm still eating too much, I make sure I balance out  and link up the carbs and proteins like the Insulin Resistance Diet tells you to and I haven't had any candy, cake, doughnuts, etc (*sniff*) in weeks.  I do miss it.  I don't crave it, but I miss it.  Now, I have to work on the portion control  of what I am eating and on exercising enough.  That motivation has been hard to conjure up when I'm feeling defeated and tired.  I know I can work on that and get past the resistance.  I just have to do it.  Sometimes, I think of how easy it would be to grab a candy bar or a Krispy Kreme doughnut and get lost on the explosion of flavor for a while, but ultimately, I know that I've at least gained this much ground and I don't want to lose it.  I've not lost any weight in two weeks (due to the reduced exercise), but I've not gone back to the sugary foods and that is progress to me.

Not much else is really going on.  One day at a time-ing it and thinking positive thoughts.  The calla lilies are full and green and lush, so maybe they'll start sparking some blooms and bring in the miracles again.  I'm hopeful.  I mean, it could happen.  It always has before. 

Meanwhile, onward and upward! 

Love,
K