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October 12, 2004

Good God.  I feel like I'm losing any grip on the world I have around me.  I'm not a firm believer that we HAVE to have a grip on our world, but I enjoy a feeling of stability and tranquility that just absolutely is not there at this time.  I don't mind giving it up for a while.  I get frayed and start to unravel around the edges when that is gone for long periods of time. 

I really miss that whole "peace" thing. 

It's not that things are particularly bad right now.  The finances are shot all to hell.  It was a close payday to start with and then we got 3-4 hard hits this week and that socked us back into the dog house in a big way.  After the way we have lived in the past several years, it certainly is not tragic by comparison, but it's still challenging.  Eric is super pissed that I had to put more money toward the website staying up and running this month because donations were not enough.  I don't want to give up the site, but I can understand his viewpoint.  Of course, I paid in the money before I knew that the payday was going to be destroyed by needing a new tire, by a miscommunication between us about how much his check would be and by a stupid company sucking $79.99 out of our account after I canceled my membership twice.  (NEVER have anything to do with a company called "Great Fun."  Suffice it to say, they aren't.)  We'll recover.  It will take a few weeks, but it will work out.  I'm trying not to look down the road to Delena's birthday in November and the fact that I haven't even started anything for Christmas yet.  Putting my fingers in my ears, singing "Lalalalalalalala" and not listening.  La La.  Lighting St Jude candles and asking him to pull miracles out of his cloak-ed ass yet again.

Eric and I are getting along better than ever, which is a godsend.  The kids are being irritating as hell.  Dylan is fussing about doing his lessons and is on the verge of being bounced right back into public school and Mom's Home School being closed for the year.  Other than that, he's a perfect child.  Nathan is eating rocky road ice cream and spitting the nuts out in the floor.  >:<  Delena is being bossy and obnoxious with the boys and pissing them off.  Calgon, take me away.

I have a ton of reviews staring me down that need to be done.  The only way to do it is through it.  Stand'em up and knock them down, doing them in waves.   It's been 2-3 weeks since I could get to any. 

My house was picture perfect when then in-laws arrived on Friday.  Eric had to work incredibly long days, so I had to do it all, the major cleaning inside, cleaning the outside, which hadn't been done in forever and generally making things nice.  I cleaned from Wednesday all the way through Sunday when they left.  I cooked a good bit while they were here since we can't really go out to eat and I wanted them to have good eats.  After they left, I pretty much collapsed and haven't much been able to get going since then.

The visit itself went exceptionally well.  Eric got some much needed time with his father, spending late nights outside, talking and sharing.  The best gift was his ... girlfriend?  Somehow that doesn't seem right since he's been with Ann for longer than Eric and I have been together (8 years) and they act as husband and wife, but are not legally married.  I kid you not, the woman was everything I would ever look for in a mother-in-law or even a mother.  She was fun, funny, open, wise, just so many things.  I loved every moment with her and grabbed a good bit of them.  I hate that she lives in Florida and we don't get much contact.  For instance, this was the first time Eric had seen them since before we were married.  Having her around was like being thirsty and getting the most delicious thimble of water ever.  Anyway, good visit, but I was glad to get my bed back (we slept on the couches and gave them our room) and I wish I could move them both out here.

Both Nathan and Delena are selling cookie dough.  It's $14 for three pounds of it.  Sheesh.  I hate fundraisers.  I bought wrapples to make caramel apples.  Delena made one batch and I ate the caramel wrappings from the other package.  They were extremely tasty.  Happy harvest and all.

If I have to say, "Go pick up the peanuts" one more time to this little ape, I'm going to... he just covered them with a towel and said, "All done!"  >:<  I should have smoked pot when I was pregnant with him.  If he were a tiny bit duller, I don't think I'd mind too much.  Now he's pushed me to start counting.  "ONE!... TWO!!..." In 27 years of mothering, I've never once known what I will do when I get to "THREE!!   That's IT!"  I've never gotten to three.  The kids have always scattered like their hair's on fire and there ass is a'catchin' by two.  I must give good bark or something.

Ah.  Mail has arrived and instead of the miracles St Jude was going to laden my mailbox down with, the first of the NSF notices has arrived. 

Interesting information.  When I get to "THREE!!!" evidently I say, "and now it's your ASS," and I latch onto his little arm with eagle-like talons, steer his disobedient butt to the peanuts and put the fear of both god and mom into him.  At least that mystery is solved and he's picking up the peanuts.  Goddess help us both if I get to four.

I've found in the past two weeks that I'm very lucky to have friends who can talk me off the ledge.  They are all wonderful little guide wires for me to follow back down to the earth.  I've been missing Georgia a lot lately and don't know where to put that.  Friends shouldn't have to move away.  :(  I think it's particularly bad because Halloween was OUR time and even though we really connected well at all times of the year, this was OUR time and we ran it to the fullest. 

I'm also pissed that Christopher Reeve is dead.  He was my hero as Superman when I was younger and was even more of a super man in real life later.  It's obscene that he was killed by a bed sore when I was so sure he would be walking within a few years.  That really hurts and as most of you know, I'm not given to sentimentality over death.  This one was an owie.

I also got hit with a majorly petty owie when I was showing my (not)Mother-in-Law around Placerville.  We hit a gift shop that sells the Windstone series by Maya Hill.  It's here.  Georgia got me the "Desire" one for my birthday and I guess it worked, because when I came across the one called "Origin," I thought I was going to pass out from wanting it.  I was a fraction from buying it and bedamned the consequences, but common sense batted me about the head and shoulders and I let it go.  What I wouldn't give for that collection!  I am NOT given to materialistic longings overall, but damn.  These really moved me in a profound way.

Also, if you go about 2/3 of the way down THIS PAGE, you'll see the Amy Brown Earth and Fire Diva Fairies that Ms Sherry got me for my birthday.  They are just gorgeous and so me.  The Full Moon, Air, Water and Four Season Divas I must have.  When did I get so Veruca Salt?  ("I want it NOW, Daddy!")  Pfft, who knows.  A few years ago, I went all stupid and stumbly if someone merely asked me what I wanted for Christmas. 

So yeah, I saw Origin when I was out with the new Mumsy and was struck by how totally tired of being poor I really am.  I hadn't given it a good bit of thought before.  I was raised painfully poor.  My first husband (who is also my second husband) was Air Force enlisted and they make just at the poverty level in income.  We divorced for the last time when he was a Tech Sergeant with almost 20 years of service behind him.  Then I was a totally poor single parent so that when I married another service man who was 3 stripes below Paul, even that was a step up.  At one time, we had all six kids at home and were only making about $1600 a month.  I don't know how we made it.  After he got out of the military, he got a stunning job making over $30 an hour and we were ready to cruise on easy street for a while.  The bottom promptly fell out of the dotcom industry and as a result (that being one of the factors, anyway), MCI Worldcom went bankrupt and started laying off it's employees.  Can you imagine who Eric worked for just out of the military?  As one of the last hired, he was one of the first to go and after that, the domino effect went all through his career field, so that he would get a decent job, then get laid off after just a couple of months (just as we were getting caught up again). 

So in short, I've never known financial security and comfort.  I know I would enjoy it.  I don't get all bunged up about money any more.  I pretty much figured I've been through the storms and can weather most of what gets tossed my way.  That doesn't mean I'm not tired of the storms.

I know we're on the way out and life has been getting a good bit better over the past few months.  I don't get focused on it much, which was why I was surprised when it jumped up and bit me on the ass.

We haven't been able to check on Spooky for a while, which is bothering me.  Our neighbor said she would try to adopt him almost a week ago and I haven't heard anything from her.  We can't call because they told us they were getting too many calls on this one animal and we'd have to go in.  Eric keeps working past visiting hours (which I know is hard for him anyway) and can't get in.  I just want to know how he's doing and it's bugging me to not know.  I trust it's how things should be, but I still miss him.

My, my.  Haven't I done a lot of bitching here?  I held off posting for a day, hoping it would be better.  I think I need to go to bed with warm linseed packs on my eyes and not get up for a while. 

As my sweet friend says, "Le Sigh."

Blank ButtonLoves and I'll be back when I'm more positive,


PS:  Ow!!

And this is my 7th grade math teacher, Mr. Lee.  Be very careful when you google people from your past. 

It's official.  I'm depressed.

Le sigh.

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