October 6, 2003

I am kicking so much as my legs are tired.  I CLEANED MY GARAGE!!  This is a big deal for a few reasons.  One is that my garage was truly the most hated place in my house.  It looked like the backroom at the Goodwill Store blew up.  Another is that the last time I tried to clean my garage a couple of weeks ago was when things got really hairy and I had all kinds of palpitations and thought I was going to die and such.  I have to admit, I was actually afraid to go out there and give it a try and (I have trouble admitting this) I had a minor little anxiety attack (which never happens what with me being a diva and all) before going out there. 

So Sunday hits and I make my way out to the garage with lots of water at hand to drink and lots of tape, markers and time on my hands.  I only exercised on my bike the 5 weekdays last week, so weekends were a freebie.  I sure got my work out that day!  It looks wonderful now and I didn't even have a moment of physical discomfort, other than the usual stretching and straining and sweating of cleaning a garage when it's 80 degrees outside.   OH man, after being on my feet for that long, my dogs were barking like mad from the plantar fasciitis. I hope that goes away when I'm smaller.

Today I master the boys' room.  No matter what kind of pictures or posters I put up, Nathan always manages to tear them down (evil destructo chile).  While in the garage, I found a pile of huge tapestries (horses running through water, dogs playing poker, etc) and so I used super duper staples and slammed those things against their walls today.  It looks like a flophouse in there now, but the walls are covered and the kids have ample nightmare material (I never realized how sinister those animals look in low light). 

I also cleaned my office on Sunday (the warm up to the garage since they are so similar), so tomorrow I master our bedroom, which needs a bit of help.  OH for the Queer Eye guys to come redo my world!

I'm still combining all carbs with protein and have never felt better.  This really does seem to be the health key for me and I am still in my normal blood pressure range.  I did the bike today and found I could get up to 12-13 mph instead of hanging out at 10 like last week.  I also got up to 3 miles in the 20 minutes, so yeah, it wasn't peaked out at 13 mph the whole 20 minutes, but I only had to slow down twice and then only to 10mph.  I'm not seeing any effects yet, but I can sure feel them.  Next week, I plan to start adding on the body flexing to tone the muscles. 

The wild and crazy dreams just keep on coming!  I don't know what is pushing my buttons, but it's definitely entertaining.

Last night, I dreamed that my mother showed up at my house and told me that it was all a mistake and she hadn't died at all.  We had a wonderful visit, then I got a phone call saying that it wasn't really my mother, but an android who had been programmed with all of her memories and emotions.  I didn't care.  I moved her in with me.  I wub her.  I miss her.

Night before last, I dreamed that I was going on an international trip and had a stop over in Russia.  While I was there, I waited at the airport gate with about a dozen or so other Americans (I was the person I am now) and the flight was delayed even past my unreasonable layover.  While we were waiting, we found out that America had gone to war with Russia and they were coming through public places, rounding up Americans and taking them to concentration camps.  We had to work together to stay safe, so we pretended to be Russian at times and managed to sneak our way out of the airport and start working to get home.

It took months, but finally, we had a meeting with someone who was supposedly sympathetic to our cause and was going to help us get home.  All this time, I hadn't been able to contact Eric and the kids to let them know I was alright and we'd been involved in all kinds of shoot outs and close calls and such.  Finally , we met up with this guy and it turned out to be a set up.  We learned that all of us, including me, were actually secret agents and had been programmed to think that we had these other lives (such as me with Eric and the kids) and were actually there to get info for the American's about the Russians.  Now, it turned out, the Russians had found out about it and captured us and we were screwed.  That was when Dylan woke me up to ask if he could have some ice cream (it was 2am and we had no ice cream). 

So that's a total of three dreams, these two and the secret agent/daughter dream (forget the one about giving the midget a hand job... I think that one was just a loose cannon) where someone looks like one person but isn't who they seem to be or claim to be.  I think that is worth looking into a bit further.

I wrote  a piece for The Diva Digest on judging others.  I'll print it here for you to read to avoid all that excess clicking.  I'm betting it's not what you're expecting I'd write, given my inclination to fruity new age ideals.  See?  You've got to always have a few surprises brewing so people don't think they've got you pegged.  It keeps them on their toes and hones the mystique factor:

OK, so, here it goes:

Oh for Godsakes.  Can people ever amaze me more than they do now?  I think likely not.  I've been waiting around for my next inspiration, my next "big thing," the next leap of my heart, quickening of my loins and flutter of my creative wombkinder and for the longest ol' time, nuthin.

It's always like this at harvest time for me.  I think it's from years of manifesting Goddess to bring forth the harvests.  I've fallen into the "Mama eats last" leftovers from being a Mother aspect instead of Glorious Diva.  That one still hangs around.  I usually end up getting my harvest the week after Samhain while I sit around and watch everyone else with their little luminous, grateful faces, smiling heavenward and thanking Goddess for their goodies.  Pfft.  Sure, I'm grateful for mine, but it's invariably late, late, late.  I sit in this funky holding pattern and wiggle around like a creature in a cocoon, feeling it slippery and too tight around me, unable to break free and raise some Cain in my new duds, whatever they might be.  Who knows how I'm going to emerge this year?  What new life awaits, blah, blah, blah.

Although I'm fairly content in my current life and surrounds, knowing that new life is pending just around the corner leaves me a bit antsy and scratchy-pants, wondering what's on the way.  To distract and entertain myself, I watch youse mugs and make mental notes, then tell you all about yourselves.

This post is likely to make people about as happy as the "Why I Don't Like Pagans" post that I started the diary with a month or so ago, but hey, I calls 'em likes I sees 'em and don't ask for validation or concurrence from anyone.  Walk your path, think your thoughts and I'll think mine. 

It has always surprised me how completely threatened people are when you voice an opinoin that is different from their own.  It's never more obvious than on Pagan message boards and, in fact, message boards all over the net communities.  It varies from derision to outright violent hostility and inane bashing if one's thoughts don't belly up neatly to the buffet of popular thought, throw their face into a dish of choice and start swallowing.  Religion is one of the most sensitive places where people really start to squirm if they are unable to sway another over to their way of thinking.  Does it invalidate what they have found to be true for themselves if another person doesn't jump right onto the boat and start rowing away?  Must they then re-evaluate their whole spiritual infrastructure if someone says, "No, I really don't believe in re-incarnation?"  Scrreeecch.  WTF and damn the torpedoes!!  Time for a ripping debate and the last one standing wins the "I'm right" loving cup. 

Gone seemingly are the days where wise people can nod and say, "Interesting perspective" and move on with their belief system intact and unthreatened by opposing thought.  Now it's all a big contest to win over as many souls to a person's way of thinking as if numbers are the key to heaven (wait, that's not OUR philosophy, is it?)

So given that little mild rant (which was really just an opening for my larger rant), here we go:

"Judge not, that ye be not judged."  (Matthew 7:1-5) Really has some wisdom to it because it's basically saying that if you judge others, you need to be aware that you too will be judged. 

"Do ye not know that the saints shall judge the world? And if the world shall be judged by you, are ye unworthy to judge the smallest matters?" (1 Corinthians 6:2) means that if you can't make up your mind about even the smallest things, you sure can't get your head straight to judge larger life decisions and situations, much less the world.

"No one but God can judge me."  (Tattoo on a guy at Great America)  Wholly untrue.  Everyone can and will eagerly judge you and there's not much that ugly blue ink on a bicep can do about it.

"You have no right to judge me" (The little gothy gal from www.savingmysanity.com)  She used to have a really pathetic site that showed her sad, cwying little face while she begged others (cyber tin cup in hand) for money to help her pay off her massive credit card debt.  I commented on it in my journal and she wrote me this scathing little girl letter, explaining in massive, grueling detail how all of her debts were incurred and blasting me saying that I had no right to judge her.  Pfft.  Of course I do!  Where do these people live??  I have a right as a human and a discerning diva to judge her when she puts herself out there in such a vulnerable and judgable way!  She did not respond to my letter of Diva advice, namely that she change her site from pathetic and whining (Which she did right after my letter... coinkidink?  I think not) and not explain to people like me how she got into so much freakin debt.  I mean really, who cares?  Why should she care if I think her site is no different than the bum who accosts me going into  Albertsons, begging money for a nonexistent bus ticket to a phantom job interview?

I have listened closely to marvelous gurus of our time, Chopra, Dyer, Williamson, and so on (and I do admire a great many of them, these included, don't get me wrong) gently chastising their captive audience for judging others and feeling superior in any way.  I mean, we're all brothers and sisters under the skin and little skuttling creatures of the Goddess, right?  She loves no one of us any less than the other and we must strive to emulate her blessed blanket luv and treat everyone as equals.  We must not judge others!!


Either people don't really know what the word "judge" means or they are living in some truly inhuman state.  According my my dictionary, judge means:  "to discern, to distinguish, to form an opinion, to compare facts or ideas, and perceive their agreement or disagreement, and thus to distinguish truth from falsehood."

We do that every day, with every iota of input that comes our way.  We discern a basic truth about the people, things, places (nouns, I guess) and situations around us.  That truth is based upon our subjective opinions and the way that we process the info that we receive from and about a.. noun.  True or false is actually irrelevant.  It's OUR truth until proven and accepted by us as otherwise.  We take those self-truths and decide things about the ... nouns in our lives.  We then (hopefully, if we've evolved out of high school at all) create within us a discerning opinion that determines whether or not those nouns have a place in our lives, and if so, the degree of power we will give them.  This is called "judging."

Sometimes, it's as simple as "Dear Goddess, that dress makes her ass look big" or "If he doesn't stop talking this inane chatter in the next 12 seconds, I may beat him to death with his own arm." 

Sometimes, it's as complex and daunting as, "I'm finding that this person, with whom I've been friends for years is creating discord and drama in my life constantly and if we can't resolve this issue, I'm going to have to end the friendship and remove them from my life."

It can be conditional, such as, "Yes, I welcome you back into my life, but I'm going to be watching you carefully and not fully trusting you because you hurt me very, very badly before."

Judgments are what keep us safe and help us to use wisdom, yes and discernment, to create an environment around us that supports our own peace, harmony and growth.  Goddess never tells us that we have to grow by continuing to have an abusive person in our lives.  Goddess wants us to stand up proud and strong and make a choice (a judgment, followed by acting in accord) to have that person leave our life.  Goddess never tells us that we must invest endless energy into feeding a relationship in which the other person fails to ever give us respect or honor.  Goddess wants us to love ourselves enough to find the strength to demand better or find better in someone else. 

It's hard to let go of those we love, but often, Goddess demands that we love ourselves enough to release the negative influences in our lives that create discord and bring harm to us on any of the five levels of existence:  physical, emotional, mental, spiritual or sexual.  In order to do that, we are forced to judge.  If we do not do that, then often we force ourselves to live a fully unsatisfying life, resting with martyred assurance in our holy place of "not passing judgment."

Of course, there is also minor judgment that we make and pretend we don't if we wish to follow the path of the righteous.  To say, "I never judge people" means that you never feel someone's attire is tragic, that you never think to yourself that someone talks too much or at an inappropriate time or that someone's behavior is not socially acceptable to the situation.  A haughty and arrogant (and usually false) statement like this is often the words of the young person with high ideals or the "false prophet" who is pretending to be holier than thou (or me). 

You never judge people?  Bullshit.  Of course you do... nonstop in your head all day long.  What most are saying is, "I never say what I'm thinking about people if it's at all negative because if I'm not saying it, no one can prove I'm thinking it and then my illusion, self and public, is complete."

What most people really mean when they climb up onto that Pedestal of No Judging is that they do not judge people harshly and speak it aloud.  If you decide someone looks particularly attractive that day, it's a judgment, right?  If you decide you really like a TV show, that's also a judgment. 


If you are walking alone in an alley at night and you hear footsteps behind you picking up the pace, do you make a judgment about that person before you ever see their face? 

If you are in a store and you see a woman slip an expensive necklace into her pocket and leave the store without paying, do you not judge it differently than if she slipped a package of baby aspirin in her pocket and left without paying?  Do you really, in either instance, say, "Oh, poor soul!"

If you are in a grocery store and see a woman slap her 3-year-old across the face, do you also not judge her because she may have had a tough day?

If you see a guy driving in a Volvo with his 3-year-old bouncing around all over the inside of the car with the empty car seat beside him, do you not judge?

Of course you do and if you say you don't, you're either a sanctimonious liar or worse.

Why do we judge others (going with the idea of judging others harshly rather than kindly?)  Wouldn't it be easier and oh so nicer to only say or think the nicest things about others?

Depends on whether or not we are human.  It's my solid opinion that all human emotions exist within us for a distinct reason and are not to be denied.  Some, like guilt, are ones to be worked through (not ignored or despised) in order to assess accountability and afford atonement (although way too many people tend to look at it as a place to hang out for long periods of time rather than a temporary stopping point for evaluation).  Guilt is a tool for growth, just like our other emotions.  Some, like anger, tend to mask deeper emotions, such as fear, hurt or frustration.  I don't see any human emotion as good or bad, but rather catalysts to teach us more about our selves and to be interpreted solely in terms of how the person deals with and manifests that emotion into the outside world.

No one likes people who are forever snarky and catty, but likewise, I don't think anyone enjoys people who are sniffing superior-like that they never judge others.  Since everyone DOES judge others, it immediately gives most people a sense of inadequacy and humiliation since they know in their hearts that they judge others and now they hear someone proudly proclaiming that the do not.  How did this person rise above such a basic (and, as we will find, useful, nay necessary) human reaction?  Is this person really so much more holy? How low must I then be if I am unable to rise above it?  Do they really have a fix on not judging? 

I don't believe they do.  As I've said, I think it's more that they are lying to themselves and the world or that they have a very, very warped definition of the word.

To understand why we all must judge, we must first look at why people fear being judged so much.  "No one but God can judge me!!!"  "You have no RIGHT to judge me!" the louder ones cry.   People fear and reject being judged when they feel inadequate or pathetic in some way.  If someone sees and points out something that they already know within themselves and despise about themselves, then the secret is out and the world has been shown their frailties.  If this is the case, then we must despise the messenger. 

Example:  We cringe when a child points at an person who is obviously morbidly obese and says, "That man is fat."  Oh my GOD the apologies fly and the stammering begins and right then and there we are taught by our parents and everyone around to no believe our lying eyes or at least not give voice to the obvious.  It's not like the man and everyone around doesn't know he's fat, but somehow, saying the words makes the speaker at fault.  You can say someone has black hair or green eyes, but to say aloud that a person if fat is a horrible societal sin.  Why?  He knows it.  We know it.  Now, to say, "That person is a pig, a hippo, a deplorable person because of his fatness" is obviously inappropriate and cruel.  But if the person is truly fat, then why does the world cringe when that fact is stated aloud? 

I'm fat.  I know I'm fat and anyone who sees me knows I'm fat.  Others are thin or muscular or wiry or tall or petite.  I happen to be fat.  I don't have a problem with anyone pointing it out and although I'm not overly excited about where I let my physical self get to, I'm not going to shy away or cry if someone points it out.  Sure, if it's hammered on, made fun of or if I'm ridiculed because of it, it's going to hurt, but just acknowledging that I'm fat isn't going to bother me.  In fact, it bothers me more when others get all goofy about me being fat, when they shift in their seats and say, "You're not FAT, stop saying that!'  Um, honey, I've long passed the point of being noted as any size BUT fat.  It's a fact about myself that others, because of their impeccable social training, have more trouble dealing with than I do. 

I also, as a diva, don't give a shit if people judge me.  I've long since stopped much caring if people somehow derive a negative opinion about me.  She's a bitch.  She's too loud.  She dresses weirdly.  Pfft.  I don't care.  It's their opinion and one person's opinion does not define me.  Judge away and I don't meet it with fear or defensiveness.  I yam what I yam and for some people, that's a lot of fun and for others, it's a cringe.  I am comfy with all parts of who and what I am and I think people sense that when I'm with them.

Not everyone is there and that's cool.  It's a glorious path and one that comes mostly with age and life experience, although certainly none of those things guarantee arrival at Port Don't Give a Shit by any means. 

So we can see that we fear being judged because we know there are areas in which we well and truly suck and if we hear those voiced by others, then it's suddenly true (as if it wasn't before) we're likely to come unglued because we can't trust ourselves to accept, love and come to terms with our own frailties.  Therefore, WE get mad and judge the judge who is judging us as being harsh or cruel or inconsiderate just because they are stating a fact or opinion about us.

I'm not saying we should go around babbling whatever comes into our pointed little heads without class or grace or regard to the feelings of those around us.  I'm saying we should grow a little thicker skin and not go around yammering about how we don't judge others when we do so on an ongoing basis.

If you get right down to it, it's about denying our natural place in the animal kingdom.  We may be of the highest order and top of the food chain, but the fact is that we still immediately assess others in our species as higher, lowers or equals in order to continually place ourselves in the pecking order for survival of the species.  Whether it's a matter of seeing someone constantly struggling with an abusive spouse who keeps them subjugated and whipped down or seeing someone struggle with bad fashion sense or an inability to determine when to speak and when to keep their yap shut, we are constantly sizing ourselves up against those we come in contact with on a recurring or intermittent or one time basis.  This, my darlings, is called judging.

Get over yourself.  Be OK with being human and just work on the kindness and discretion.  To demand of yourself not to judge others is to deny yourself your own humanity and to put yourself in a constant state of failure because honey, you're gonna do it.


To this I would add (and likely will at some point on the other site) that it's also essential to do two things in order to get anywhere in this old world.  One is to find your own basic set of truths and get comfortable with them, regardless of whether even one other person on this earth accepts them as their truths.  It really doesn't matter if it's what YOU determine to be true.  Despite what is generally thought, you really, really don't need a consensus or a bunch of people saying "Amen" for something to be true to you.  Once you have your own basic truths about who you are in the this world and how this world operates, stay open to new ideas, but don't be bullied into them and don't try to shove yours onto others.  Sharing is one thing, force-feeding is something else. 
Once you've got your truths in place, let it be OK that people are going to judge you based on those truths and on the self that you project to the world.  It's going to happen and sitting back whining about the fact that people are judging you isn't going to stop it and is only going to doom you to eternal insecurity and devastation.  Let it be OK that people judge you, for the good or for the bad.  You are who you are and when you can stand proudly in those truths and take up the amount of space in this world you were intended to hold rather than curling up into a compact little ball and hiding away, then those people will no longer have power over you.  People only have the amount of power you are willing to give them.
Who cares what they think?  Find a place where you can live proudly.  Forgive your sins of the past and be an honorable person who is proud of who and what they are and beyond that, hand people a spoon and tell  them to start eating your ass a bite at a time.
Life is too short to get all wound up in who is judging or thinking what. 
Remember what Maya Angelou says.  "You did what you knew how to do and when you knew better, you did better."
If you know better, do better.  It's as simple as that in all things.  If you're doing better or the best that you can, then no one's judgment means anything except your own.
The only time you'll truly feel the sting of others judging you is if you know you aren't giving life the best that you can.  What hurts is the truth in their judgments, because if they are lying or mistaken, then you know they're full of shit and who cares anyway?
Get your truths, stall tall with pride and have a spoon ready for the idiots.
Love to you all.  I'm going to cuddle the hubbins and steal a little sleep.
Got to see what madness the subconscious is up to tonight!
Much Love,