October 3, 2003
I may have used this webset before, but I like it, so here it is again. Dancing up in the stars and feeling magic all around. I love that tingly feeling that comes when you can feel a divine hand moving things along and everything seems to flow in this remarkable synergistic roller coaster of events. During those times, you can feel this incredible sense of rightness and order and exhilaration. You probably think this is leading up to me revealing some great miracle or explosive harvest or something, but actually, I think what's making me feel so close to that wonderful, holy space is its current absence. I can still feel the spirituality in my life and the presence of Deity, but I'm not feeling the current sweeping me along in that wonderfully, blessed way. When that is missing, I've found that usually one of two things is going on. One is that I'm off track in some way, but usually when that is the case, there is also a lot going wrong, rather than just a lot of nothing going on. I'm usually hitting brick walls everywhere I turn and having land mines go off all around me. That usually encourages me back to where ever I was supposed to be in the first place. The other possibility, which is where I think I am now, is that I'm in a holding pattern. There's a Tarot card that represents this place and it's the one to the left, "The Hanged Man." The Hanged Man isn't going anywhere, but he's not really distressed or uncomfortable. He's mostly just hanging around, in limbo, unable to make any progress until situations line up in a particular way to allow forward movement. I feel like I'm being held back in stasis until a number of factors come to a certain place to let something, an event or situation, happen to work as a catalyst for change. I can feel change going on all around me. People are rearranging in my life in very interesting ways by relocating, changing their lives in ways that affect their degree of interaction with me, etc. I feel like I'm standing still while all this fast forward motion is going on around me. I'm watching so many people make significant changes and move forward in profound ways and I can feel that my forward movement has just not been charted yet. I'm supposed to do something. I'm just not sure what that is yet.
It's sort of like being in the cocoon, not knowing when I'll come out or what I'll look like when I emerge. What will be waiting for me then? I'm not at all afraid, more like breathless with anticipation (and fairly bored in the meantime). I've tried a few things, thinking it might help me if I tried to take the first step in at least some direction, but each time, I kept getting the message to just sit still and wait.
Meanwhile, I've just been working on my health, which is going wonderfully, and losing the weight. I've not lost tons yet, but I've lost 2 pounds, my blood pressure is normal again and I'm not having any of the problems I've been having for quite some time. I feel physically better than I have in years after just a week of linking carbs and proteins and exercising for 20 minutes a day. I expect I'll throw in the bodyflexing after a few weeks, but in the meantime, it's great to be feeling so much better.
There is still no word on Eric's job front. He and the guys have been working hard to find jobs to bid and meet with contractors and such to try and get different jobs. We don't yet know for sure if he'll go back to his old job a week from Monday when they asked him to call back. Everything is just... holding.
He's in good spirits, which really helps. He quit smoking last Saturday and is finally out of the bitchy part of that, so it's nice to be back with my cuddly husband instead of BeastBoy. We're both working hard on the self betterment business and have really come too far to turn back now. At least those demons will be bested and this time next year, I should be considerably smaller. I've missed not being extremely overweight and I look forward to being a smaller size again.
Nothing is planned for the weekend. With the kids off work this week, it's not much different than any other day. They go back to school on Monday and it will just be Eric, Nathan and I around. I know he has a lot of work related things going on next week.
One thing we have learned is that accounts that we had discharged on a bankruptcy back in 1999 are now showing up as open and not very happy accounts on our credit report. We know they were shown as discharged before, so I don't know what's going on there. Eric is going to try to see how to fix it this week, but really, neither of us have a clue where to start. I'm presuming it would be the credit bureau here in town. It's really the only small thing (comparatively to other things that have gone on in my life) that has really gone askew in the past few weeks, other than Eric being laid off. We've been watching our money very, very carefully and hoping for the best.
So while I'm just hanging around here waiting for the next big thing, I'm going to dance up here among the stars and get some playing done while I'm in the holding pattern. I'm trying to find things to entertain myself to pass the time and not let my irritation bleed through onto others. I'm working to find the grace in no momentum and in just presuming that everything is exactly how it's supposed to be. I'm waiting to be inspired, to be motivated, to be enflamed with joy and enthusiasm. It has to be here somewhere or else is on its way...
Have a stellar weekend,
PS: Oh, freaky dreams. One was I dreamed I went upstairs (interesting that we live in a one story house) and realized I hadn't fed my tank of turtles or tank of fish in months. They were still alive, but really testy and hungry. The turtles had propagated like mad and where there had been 3-4, there were now 10-12. The fish were still the same number, must much thinner (I don't have fish in real life and have only 2 huge semi-aquatic turtles). Tried to find something to feed them and ended up giving them granola. The last I remember of the dream I was worried that the raisins might make them sick.
Second freaky dream was that some man I don't know outside of the dream but knew in the dream and had some kind of authority over me wanted me to get *something*, don't know what, from a midget guy who was very wealthy. I remembering it as being permission for some business arrangement or something like that. I had to get a paper signed for that to happen, which I did, then I gave the midget a hand job out of gratitude because I was going to get a raise or promotion out of it. It was through jeans, vienna sausage-ish and over in less than 60 seconds, then I left and the dream was over and the midget was happy. I'm not EVEN going to try to decipher those two. I'm still worn out from delivering Geordi LaForge's baby.